The Babylon Bee Presents: A Back-To-School Shopping List For Your Conservative Child

Satire alert!
It's almost that time of year again! Public schools will be starting in a few weeks! Time to send your conservative little tikes into a hostile den of godless commies. How will they survive? Make sure they're ready with this conservative shopping list!

-Fireproof American flag to carry around: Public school teachers are always on the lookout for American flags to burn. Be prepared!

-Commie repellent spray: Pretty much just bear spray, but it also works on commies.

-Extra bacon to help them counteract that dumb healthy school lunch program: Arm your child with real AMERICAN food! Come and take it, Obama!

-Kids size 'I Identify As Vaccinated' t-shirt: Teachers must respect your child, no matter how he identifies.

-CRT canceling headphones: Any time your kid's teacher starts to teach her racist Marxist garbage, he can pop in those headphones and listen to Ben Shapiro!

-Brass knuckles: For the commies.

-Crayons with all the primary colors removed so he doesn't accidentally draw an LGBTQ+ rainbow flag: Stick to grey, black, brown, and salmon, just to be safe.

-Scissors to cut the masks off his peers and set them free: Just remind him not to run with them and we're sure it will be totally fine.

-Wire and spy camera so you can secretly record the teacher teaching CRT: Then you can send the recording to Christopher Rufo. Busted!

-Fake Das Kapital book covers to disguise his Bible and Tuttle Twins books: Then put them in a fireproof backpack so the teachers can't burn them.

-A watch that only displays the national debt: Your child must always be reminded of the impending doom wrought by runaway government spending.

-Glasses that make him colorblind: That way he won't see race.

-Extra boxes of tissues to help his classmates wipe their liberal tears: A great way for him to make some friends.

-A school voucher to let him go to a non-commie private school: If you manage to snag one of these, you won't really need the rest of this stuff. Except for the commie spray. That's always good to have on hand.