Supreme Court Says Students Who Identify As Teachers Must Be Allowed To Use Teacher's Lounge

Satire alert!
In a landmark 7-2 decision, the Supreme Court has ruled that students who identify as teachers must be granted equal access to the teacher’s lounge. A spokesman for the ACLU lauded the decision, calling it a win for all Americans.

The case in question, Thompkins vs. Bismarck Elementary, centered around 4th-grade student Timmy Thompkins who self-identifies as a teacher. Thompkins had been using the teacher’s lounge for several months without an issue until his homeroom teacher complained to the Principal. “I went into the teacher’s lounge to get some coffee, and Timmy was there reading the newspaper. He called me Linda and kept talking about how much of a pain the kids were being today,” said Bismarck Elementary teacher Linda Fairfield. “I complained to the principal, and they banned Timmy from the teacher’s lounge.”