I am a Military Caregiver & I want to be Seen

I jumped out of the first plane I flew in. But my adventure in skydiving was a breeze compared to what I’m doing now: caring full time for my 63-year-old father, a service-disabled Veteran of the U.S. Army.

The Elizabeth Dole Foundation refers to the 5.5 million military caregivers in the United States as “hidden heroes.” I don’t know that I feel heroic but I do feel unseen. In deciding to share my story around the time of November’s National Family Caregivers Month, I hope to increase awareness about what we military caregivers do, and help us obtain the critical resources we earn.

As my Veteran father’s primary caregiver, I schedule medical appointments. I collect medical records. I administer medications and treatment. I attend a constant stream of exams and procedures. I sit in waiting rooms, wait for prescriptions, sift through bills and fill out paperwork.

When my Dad recently had a life-threatening incident at our apartment, I called an ambulance to rush him to the emergency room. If I wasn’t there that day serving as caregiver, my Dad wouldn’t be alive today.

Because I cannot earn a living outside of caregiving, we depend on my father’s monthly disability and pension checks to stay afloat and no other income comes into the household. I do this out of loyalty, deep concern and love for my Dad, a Veteran who volunteered to serve this country and was injured in an accident during service. It’s a 24/7 commitment and there are no paid vacations.

Dreams deferred

In doing everything I can do to keep my Dad alive — by myself, without help from my siblings — I am like so many other caregivers who has had to defer my dreams.

Even though I earned a bachelor’s degree in communications and have experience as a production assistant for popular shows like “Homeland,” it’s now impossible for me to work and care for my father, who the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) has rated 90% service-disabled. (A lawyer is seeking to move his status to the more realistic 100% service-disabled.)

My Dad receives health care at Hampton VA Medical Center in Virginia, but I’m told our circumstances don’t currently qualify me for financial help under VA’s Caregiver Support Program.

I’m a 31-year-old who’s the first in my family to go to college, but full-time caregiving means I cannot earn a salary to reduce my student loan debt or build up my bank account, which hovers near zero. During bleaker moments, I’ve felt despair and a diminished sense of worth, especially lacking the time to work in my profession. On the worst days, I experience a crushing emotional toll and a sense that life is almost not worth living.

It’s encouraging to see that a provision in the Build Back Better Act (H.R. 5376) that passed the House in November and awaits passage in the Senate would provide four weeks of paid leave to compensate me for caring for my seriously ill father, even if my earnings consisted of unemployment benefits. However, this benefit would not kick in until Jan. 1, 2024, and that’s if the provision remains in the bill, and the legislation is passed by Congress and signed into law.

Filling the breach

In the meantime, I discovered that there are private organizations who do see caregivers like me, and have offered to assist.

First lady Rosalynn Carter’s Rosalynn Carter Institute (RCI) for Caregivers supports the estimated 53 million unpaid and informal family caregivers, including those caring for Veterans. These are folks who scramble around like I do — running errands, shopping for groceries, providing wound care, managing prescriptions, and cooking and cleaning for parents and other relatives.

Through RCI’s Operation Family Caregiver program for the military community, I look forward to getting connected to one-on-one coaching resources.

I also plan to explore Elizabeth Dole Foundation’s Hidden Heroes program, which is a community of caregivers and an access point to respite services and other support. The RallyPoint community and public can also send supportive messages to caregivers and volunteer to lend us a hand at https://hiddenheroes.org.

If I could wave a magic wand and get anything I wanted, I would make my Dad healthy and well. For me as his caregiver, another wave of my magic wand would relieve me of student loans, which I can’t bring down without a steady paycheck. I would also grant myself easier access to mental health services to cope with feelings of hopelessness and manage the more difficult days. I would conjure the time to do a job I love, nurturing my passions for writing, reading and publishing. I would give myself the freedom to not only survive but to really live.

Until then, I keep my spirits up strumming my guitar and knowing that I’m doing something important for one of our nation’s Veterans. Because I am a military caregiver and, for now, that’s how I should be seen.

Learn more

Elizabeth Dole Foundation: https://www.elizabethdolefoundation.org/hidden-heroes.

Hidden Heroes: https://hiddenheroes.org.

Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregivers: https://www.rosalynncarter.org.

VA Caregiver Support Program: https://www.caregiver.va.gov.