How Have You Struggled?

I had PTSD long before my time in the Marine Corps. I almost killed myself while I was serving.
PTSD continues to haunt me long after I was discharged. I'm ok now. There are still flshback, not as bad. What helped me until today? Venging helps me deal with my anger. I went on google discussion group and wrote many opinions from what I strongly believe.
I received PTSD after the four years under Khmer Rouge regime. I stopped talking to any Cambodians for so many years. That was how much I hated those people. I'm pretty sure that many of you veterans can relate to. For me, talk about it helps me heal. I know it does. I tried numerous time to participate in discussion group with the VA. But no one seems to be interested.

What worked? Jesus, ask yourselves what isn't working. That is what is killing our vets. I have been seeking help for a very long time. I never got the slightest help at the VA or even evidence that ANYONE gave a shit down there. The magic word gets their attention though. Suicide ! When you finally get so dark, so desperate that you finally admit to another person that you are suicidal it may be too late but you will get their attention. You see, suicide is one of those big statistics that people watch and it looks bad on the VA. I repeatedly tried at the VA. I also have medicare and an AARP supplement that supposedly has mental health coverage. Complete bullshit. Three kinds of coverage and can't get anyone to keep a fucking appointment. The VA likes to pull us back from the edge if they can but fuck all anything else.

Over my lifetime I’ve attempted suicide 23 times…so I guess u can say I’m not very good at it… However; I have come up with the perfect plan this time… It came from a recent break up from the woman I considered “the love of my life” we’d been together 29 years… but I finally had enough of her controlling and manipulating ways and kicked her out of my life forever…
It’s been a whole year now! Since there are grandkids involved I still have to be around her … but I don’t stay in the same space and I haven’t spoken a single word to her since…
So…a few years back I rediscovered cannabis…Changed my life!!! I was able to get my headspace and timing corrected…and…started dabbling around in different eastern religions and philosophies… in the course of that I discovered an author named Alan Watts… who explains Zen teachings to where even I can grasp the concepts… so I’m going to expose the secrets of “Zen”… there are no secrets… “Zen” or “Dao” is already within you…
A student once came running to his master crying… Master help me still my mind it is in chaos! The master said, “Go! Bring me this mind that I might ease it.” The student replied; “Master I cannot I have been searching for it for years and have yet to find it.”
“There your mind is stilled!” replied the master.
My whole point is this…
Most people commit suicide to get back at someone or some thing…if you’re doing it for some thing…you may get your name in the paper or a post on social media where it will be…forever…buried under the trillions and trillions of other posts compiling in milliseconds…buried forever…the river…the flow of the universe…doesn’t stop…if you’re doing to hurt somebody…yes you will…but other than your very closest family members maybe one or two very close friends will think about you…but everybody else??? They too get caught in the same universal flow…even the ones hurt the most move forward…they still wake up, they’re blood still circulates, they still eat, etc… in other words some time …. someplace …. You’ll come back around again…

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Nothing like chairing a meeting, taking the cotton out of your ears and stuffing it in your mouth.

What has worked best for you?
When it came to suicide, I hang on for my family, my daughters, the memories of them that got me through deployments and prevented me from being too reckless was what I kept in the back of my mind. Although, I brought the war home and now it looked like the house we dropped the bomb on. Still, everything I had done since they came into my life was for their sake.

When it came to not lashing out against those who wronged me, Buddhism, it didn't require me to believe, just observe, analyze, and practice. It didn't require me to pray, just be, be compassion, be forgiving, and be content. Though, that alone was not enough, we all wanted to be part of something great. In the old day was the chivalry of a knight, now, who knew. However, for me was the Army values, honor, loyalty, integrity, and selfless service; yeah, there are more of them now, but to me these four values created others. They are the core value; I'll tell you guys my thought in some other article. The Oath of Enlistment, "I, ___, do solemnly swear /affirm that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; ... ", and how could I become the very threat I sworn to defend against? How could I pick up arm and do harm to my fellow American? Yeah, it was chivalry.
What methods/steps have you taken to bring positive change in your life?
When people asked me how did you do that? I always said, "I may be crazy, but I am not stupid." No offense to any religious, but "It's God's will" or "It's faith" didn't do it for me. Like the joke of "A Drowning Man", if I don't help myself by accepting help from others, how do I know that those others were not send by God? Like some long dead Greek philosopher said, "Randomness is the result of observing causation without all the information." or something like that. In a psychological study, when a toddler saw a large object being put into a small box, it stopped what it was doing and kept looking at the action being done, even a toddler knew when things didn't make sense. With that, I went through the program available from the VA, some more than once. I also earned a Minor in Psychology, to know more about what was going on with me. What was normal for animal and human behavior, and what was not. I wanted to help myself and others out of this abyss, but the VA Education counselor told me that a crazy person couldn't heal another crazy person. Hence: The Minor, not the Major. However, to me, "The psychiatrist/psychologist's first patient is thyself." If one couldn't do what one preaches, how would can other? Ignorance is a deadly sin to me.
Which services provided the best / most desired outcomes for your needs?
All of them, two weeks in-patient, medication, one-on-one, group session, classes, etc., some more than once. I learnt more in the college. My reason is, "If a single religious text gave rise to many two more and multiple sects, then multiple versions of Bibles, Koran, and other religious texts might give a single person the enlightenment." Basically, I was finding my cup of tea.

I struggled a long time with depression and suicidal thoughts. My local VA has many times said they would help me to understand and learn about my thoughts. They have come up short every time. My last provider called me up and quit and then told me if I called the mental health department she was instructing them to call the police. I have not had a therapist since April. With my mental health I do not trust my local VA.

In the last 14 years I’ve had 1 knee replacement,1 hip replacement, and 3 back surgeries. The last was in 11–1-21. The difference in my state of mind was all about the pain level that I experienced. For pain control for the 1st 4 I was given OxyContin to take befor I did my rehabilitation therapy. Somehow I Never got addicted to this drug because I was as directed, Imagine that, not abusing these drugs. Somewhere within they years between the 2nd back surgery and the final in November 2021 some government hacks declared that EVERYONE was an addict. These pain meds are no longer available to those who need them. Believe this spinal fusion of my lower back is serious and extremely painful . With no viable pain meds available I was in very serious trouble with little or no sleep for over 3-4 days at times has huge negative effect on life. Thankfully the Salisbury NC VA was close by &45 miles I spent 10 of 14 days in the ER IN SALISBURY, I AM THANKFUL that the Doctors were able to provide so relief. From 1971-1974 I server with 1/505 Airborne Infantry making over 35 parachute jumps and suffered a cracked hip in 1972. Of course none of my military service has anything to do wi5h my back problems. Pain is and continues to be the main reason for tension that leads to suffering and sucide. It’s time realizing that everyone is not hooked on theses meds ,and some are useful.

I've been fighting to survive since my first unit. Since 2000. Racial discrimination, peer bullying, being fat-shamed because I wasn't a skinny, 160-pound white guy (I was between 196 and 217 with 20% body fat), bullied for calling out my peers and my leaders for NOT doing the right thing, doing what I needed to do to lead soldiers and get promoted to the next rank, survivng multiple deployments when my chain of demand and NCO abort channel wanted me dead, being thrown into whatever undesirable situation no one else wanted and thriving when I was expected to fail, losing two of my four children & being told to "suck it up", then being forced off of active-duty because "I couldn't get promoted unless I reenlisted and I could reenlist unless I got promoted." After that, I went spiraling into debt because Army said I owed over $80K, even though I showed them repeatedly where I owed no debts. Now, I'm fighting a foreclosure! Every entity I've reached out to for help, to include the VA, has either said "NO" or has done so little that they may as well have done nothing at all! THE ONLY THING keeping me standing, THE ONLY THING that has kept me from carrying out various suicide plans that I've made is forward movement! Whether through exercise, serving others, or going back to school to finish my degree, I have to keep moving forward. I'm afraid that if I stop moving forward (depressed or otherwise because I definitely have depression), my past demons will catch up to me and kill me. Maybe my suffering will help someone else in the future, but it sucks right now. Gotta keep moving. Nothing else helps.

I have struggled to get Professional help from the VA. recently i had a series of tragic events and became overwhelmed. My primary care provider at the VA FAILED to respond. I called BOTH the VA emergency line and an old contact at my former community care facility-KVHC. The VA did respond, however since it was a weekend I could not get a much needed mental health medication. The KVHC contact immediately ordered my medication at a local pharmacy. The KVHC rep also called me later to check on me- the VA person did not. Later I did get an appointment with the VA rep. I had a couple of brief appointments and then suddenly the VA rep cancelled an appointment- with NO follow up. She did NOT reschedule, email or contact me in ANY way untill 3 months later when an assistant called me to schedule a medication check appointment. REALLY???? Fortunately I managed to get hooked up with the local VET Center and received mental health counseling. If it had not been for the professionals OUTSIDE the VA I would probably be dead right now and unable to respond to your question.