How Have You Struggled?

You mean publicaly put into print the dark thoughts, the reasons, the plans? That is the extent of what I choose to say today,. I have been in darkness and in light. During the darkest times, I didn’t even get the flashlight out. It was pitch black. But I’m still here,

The first thing I did to start working on my demons was to stop drinking and drugging. And boy did they really come alive then. But that was over 33 years ago and I'm still clean and sober with my demons in check. The main thing that helped me was AA meetings, getting a Sponsor and working the Steps. Of course, that's not for everybody. And then there's NA also. It takes what it takes.

When Northwest Battle Buddies gifted me a service dog it saved my life. My dog Millie, gave me a reason to live where none existed.

I encourage you all (VA staff and VA patients) to listen to the Shawn Ryan Show’s most recent podcast. It was a three part series with a man named Tom Satterly and his wife. They started a foundation callled All Secure Foundation. Dig a little into that, and I think you’ll have your answer. It’s something like 84% of veteran suicides occur following a catastrophic event with their family. For example, their wife leaves them. The next most common cause is command betrayal. So, to answer your question. Start prioritizing servicemen and women’s families. Usually a happy home results in a happy service member. Does your unit have a bunch of leftover money that you have to spend by the end of the year or you lose it? Stop buying useless stuff. Invest in the mental wellbeing of your men and women under your charge. Lastly, stop treating us as just another number. To a certain extent, we understand business is business. However, there are proper ways to go about things. Keep them informed. Even if it’s something they don’t want to hear. You’d be surprised what it means to us when we have a transparent commander that also cares about his/her people.

Acceptance and Commitment therapy and Ketamine therapy were both very beneficial. But the unconditional love of my dogs and cats is probably the most impactful.

I still struggle with the thought of taking a permanent dirt nap. It was really hard when I returned home after my first deployment & almost unbearable after I left the military.
A 72-hour hold in the Brooklyn, NY VA Hospital after an attempt helped me get acquainted with the VA and the PTSD program & of course, a pharmacy worth of meds. Also, drinking & illegal drugs did not help the suicidal ideation at all, so I eventually quit both.
However, I started using food & other vices to fill a void that I didn't even know existed & every time I try to fill this void, it seems bottomless. In all of my PTSD treatment over the last 17 years, not one doctor or therapist ever mentioned that there may be feelings within that something is missing.
While getting mental health treatment at the VA, quitting my vices, and even a trip to Peru for a 7-day ayahuasca retreat have made incremental positive changes in my life, I still struggle daily. I know the VA has started to explore alternative treatments like yoga, tai-chi...etc. Maybe the expanded allowance through the VA of certain psychedelics (psilocybin, ayahuasca, 5-meo-dmt) for combat vets could also be part of the plan.
My feeling of constant emptiness could be due to after leaving the military as a disabled person and unable to function, my sense of worth or purpose was & still is missing. Maybe the VA can provide retreats, seminars, and programs that can help spark that sense of meaning & purpose again or at least give a nudge in that direction.

I realized that I had to go to therapy, that I needed someone else to help me work through my doubts and struggles. It's helped alot: I can now identify where those doubts come from, and if I can identify the emotion and where it comes from, I can make behavior changes to overcome that emotion. Step 1 is hard, Step 2 is harder.

It doesn’t help when the VA treats you like trash. For example when benefits are denied in bad faith. Every soldier needs at some point to come back home and accept service is over. This transition comes at a great loss. Suicide comes from depression. Depression comes when sadness becomes the dominant emotional state. When you feel these horrible feeling the VA does not always have people that can relate. Psychiatric medication is not the answer it just numbs the pain. The idea that life itself may not be worth the trouble comes from service itself. You are trained to be selfless, to sacrifice everything for the mission. When the mission is over you have nothing left. When that uniform comes off there is very little to hold on to. Service members need some serious reverse therapy to take the military state of mind away and survive in the real world when your wife leaves you, you lose your friends, people dont relate to you. And one day you come to the VA for help and you get turned away. I have been trying to get help for twenty years and the VA does not have the therapists to assist in long term recovery. Its all about saving money I dont beliveve the VA Directive care about veterans and only tries to do something when a problem is so severe that is making them look bad. The VA saves money if you kill yourself. That’s how they make you feel when you seek out for help. We need therapy, we need our compensation for psychological damage caused by the service not the utter disrespect a veteran gets when applying for a compensation. Most of us want to recover. The VA needs a serious outreach effort to keep veterans engaged with others not isolated. Compensation for mental health issues should be no questions asked. Who are the VA Officers saving money for when they deny benefits? The government needs to be onboard and take responsibility for the cost of rehabilitating the veteran community. Job placement services are needed. What does a veteran do with no job, no friends, no effective therapy, then hits rock bottom and asks for a benefit and the VA denies it? Grow up people and take responsibility for your warriors when they come back home. Blood of the patriots is on the VA hands itself and the first step is to take full responsibility for years of ineptitude and indifference

I have been on my journey for over 15 years. I often find myself in a very dark place. I was recently an in-house patient for suicidal thoughts and intentions. What upsets me is there is absolutely no type of therapy. None. No-one to talk through those feelings with. No-one to sound off to. No-ones shoulder to cry on. The nurses are great, but they don't have time to sit and talk to you. There is no one to interact with. Most of the other patients feel the same way, and so we all just keep to ourselves. One guy I did talk to had been there 3 weeks, and made the offhand comment that "Next time I'll just pull the trigger".
The only interaction I had with any type of Psych staff was first thing in the morning at 'rounds'. I was asked how my night was, if I was still feeling suicidal, and if I had any thoughts of hurting myself or others. Thank you for your time, we'll see you tomorrow. After 3 days I was asked are you ready to go home.
So much for suicide prevention.

In April of this year I was suicidal and checked in at the VA in Clarksburg, WV. I was there until the last week of June. I do not receive any benefits. So I had no income, lost my job, lost my car, lost my home and when I was discharged I was homeless. Not much better off mentally but they got me into the VA in Martinsburg, WV as part of the homeless program. Martinsburg VA did absolutely nothing to address my mental health needs. In fact the only classes that they put me in were drug classes. I've never done drugs a day in my life and that includes marijuana. I told them that the classes they had me in were a waste of my time. I needed mental health assistance. Never got any mental health assistance. In fact it was the opposite. When I got there they told me I could not have my service dog because I didn't disclose I had one during our phone interview. I explained that I did address this during the phone interview and I even confirmed it with the social worker at the Clarksburg VA. Since Martinsburg didn't have it documented they say it didn't come up. So I had to get rid of my dog and I complained to Veterans Advocate. Another veteran would be at his dog in front of fellow Veterans and I complained about that to the Veterans Advocate. My dog is an Afghanistan Veteran and I don't know this dogs backstory but regardless of whether or not his dog is a veteran or not, it doesn't deserve to be beat. Another Veteran was racist and wasn't shy about it and several Veterans went to the Veterans Advocate about this guy. A staff member made sexual advances towards me and when I filed a complaint with Veterans Advocate..... I was kicked out of the VA and was told that I had Disruptive Behavior because I utilized my right to go to the Veterans Advocate. At no time did they help me with my mental health, transportation or housing. One staff member worked with me on finding employment but I never got a job lead. The VA took me from where I had resources to a town where I know not a soul and have no resources. They refuse to get me back to where I am from but they were quick to pick me up and bring me here. Even more quick to kick me out on the streets here where I don't know anyone or have a way to get back to the town I call home. I've been living on the streets for about 8 weeks and for about the last four weeks I have been without all of my medications because I sleep on the Wal Mart parking lot with no address. The VA is about a ten hour walk from where I have all my belongings. I can't tote all of my stuff there and back and I won't just leave it here for other people to just take. I don't know about other VA hospitals but this one here in Martinsburg clearly does not care for Veterans.