What advice do you have on the first rough draft of my OCS application essay?

I feel there is a lack of why you want to join/serve and why you would make a good leader/officer.
Do you plan to continue in the Behavior Health field? Maybe add more about how you help and support others.
No one is going to care about what you own or your financial situation - distracts from answering the question.
Take MAJ LANDGREN's advice to do some research and build an outline.

You are taking the road less traveled because you are getting Your commission through officer candidate school instead of a direct commission. This means that you will have to think and acts like a combat arms officer and learn that history. This will help you be above the other medical personnel in the medical service corps because you couldn't actually lead Medical personnel. I knew of medical personnel that were battalion executive officers in a civil affairs unit. I am sure you will get in but just give you Some encouragement and advice. People who are on the medical service corps can be lent out to civil affairs or psychological operations. I know this because when I was in a training division, I knew a major who was the medical service corps as a nurse a BSN. Cheap had her secondary branch as psychological operations. Share for the batteries administration as a civilian but she got a scholarship or fellowship to go to Walter Reed. She may lieutenant colonel no problem.
Anybody else have any questions or concerns over what I said?
CW2 (Join to see) MAJ (Join to see) MAJ Ken Landgren SPC Richard Zacke Lt Col Charlie Brown CSM Charles Hayden COL Mikel J. Burroughs CPT (Join to see)

Hello! Sorry I haven't had a lot of time to response individually. I work in a hospital currently and it has been very hectic and time consuming, plus all my classes transferring online. I also offered free online tutoring for highschool and below students since they all suddenly got moved online as well.
I have edited it! I will update soon :)