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"Why I want to be an Officer Army OCS?" Essay critiques?
Currently Enlisted Navy with approved DD368 Conditional Release from my Command. Working with an Army recruiter now; application is completed minus the essay and business photo. Application deadline is April 1; boarding in Baton Rogue June 7-11. I wanted to get this rough draft critiqued as much as possible before I send it to my recruiter.
Stats: TIS = 8 years (5 AD + 3 Reserves), secret clearance; quantifiable leadership experience reflected in yearly evals; Education = BA History 3.1 (multi sport college athlete); MA Global Affairs 3.4. ASVAB = 82. GT= 118. Approved 2808 and 2807 from the Navy in late October; Age 30 with wife (no kids); Letter's of rec from an O-8, O-6, O-4, and Dean/professor from college. Currently an E-5, testing for E-6 next month.
I did my best to quantify how my education and enlisted navy experiences would translate into a budding Army officer. I need to shorten the length by about 4-6 sentences; nonetheless it's only a rough draft. I am definitely interested in everyone's critiques to polish this up before my April 1 deadline:
"I want to be an officer in the Army because I earnestly desire to lead soldiers and be involved in the Great Power Competition with Russia and China. At a time when the United States faces growing threats from near-peer competitors, coupled with continuous asymmetrical warfare from nefarious adversaries in the Middle East and Africa, I aspire to articulate the capabilities and weaknesses of our enemies to the soldiers I would lead, if selected. The artificial island build up from the Chinese in the South China Sea, the threat of nuclear war from North Korea, the irregular warfare tactics from the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps in the Strait of Hormuz, and the malicious cyber hacks from the Russians are all potential geopolitical powder kegs that can ignite at any moment. I want to apply my sharpened analytical thinking from my Master’s degree and enlisted experience towards asserting our national interests and maintaining our military dominance around the world. As an enlisted Yeomen in the Navy, I am unable to channel my methodical reflections regarding solutions to the aforementioned problems.
The Navy has taught me the importance of character, discipline, integrity, and maintaining a standard of excellence in all aspects of life. The courses I took in college and graduate school covering Cold War Discourse, Nuclear Policy, Political Science, Human Rights, Colonization, and the Holocaust fostered my passion for becoming an Army officer and leading from the front. The experiences of living in 12 cities, traveling to 19 countries across five continents, playing high level collegiate soccer and basketball against diverse competition, minoring in Spanish, and following foreign media has given me a keen ear for identifying different foreign languages and has enabled me to understand the complexities of contrasting cultural norms. My critical thinking and analytical skills were refined while I pursued my Masters of Arts in Global Affairs at Yale University. This best-in-class program consisted of a demanding curriculum of examining primary source archives to disseminate the information to my cohort for optimal comprehension. The process of gathering information and decoding evidence was a cornerstone of my education and I am motivated to use these skills to lead soldiers if selected.
I currently work as a Transition Assistant for Navy Personnel Command and as a Subject Matter Expert, I am responsible for affiliating Active Duty Sailors and Prior Service Veterans in to the Reserves. The job has taught me to manage a sizeable workload, lead large projects, and chart an accurate course to success under tight deadlines. I was elected twice to executive positions within the Junior Enlisted Association (Secretary) and the Coalition of Sailors Against Destructive Decisions (Vice-President), and I had the opportunity to lead sailors in both organizations. Furthermore, as one of the Command Financial Specialists and Sexual Assault Prevention Readiness Victim Advocates, I helped sailors and Marines who sought my expertise. Through my extensive involvement at Navy Personnel Command, I was nominated Junior Sailor of the quarter during FY2021 Quarter 1. I have seen my positive leadership impact amongst the junior enlisted; now I am motivated to see my impact as an Army officer. I have come to appreciate that a good leader brings out the best in others, fixes systemic issues, holds everyone accountable, and takes responsibility for their team's performance. After recently reenlisting for another six years, I am committed to serving and would be honored to continue that service by being selected for the Army’s OCS program."
Currently Enlisted Navy with approved DD368 Conditional Release from my Command. Working with an Army recruiter now; application is completed minus the essay and business photo. Application deadline is April 1; boarding in Baton Rogue June 7-11. I wanted to get this rough draft critiqued as much as possible before I send it to my recruiter.
Stats: TIS = 8 years (5 AD + 3 Reserves), secret clearance; quantifiable leadership experience reflected in yearly evals; Education = BA History 3.1 (multi sport college athlete); MA Global Affairs 3.4. ASVAB = 82. GT= 118. Approved 2808 and 2807 from the Navy in late October; Age 30 with wife (no kids); Letter's of rec from an O-8, O-6, O-4, and Dean/professor from college. Currently an E-5, testing for E-6 next month.
I did my best to quantify how my education and enlisted navy experiences would translate into a budding Army officer. I need to shorten the length by about 4-6 sentences; nonetheless it's only a rough draft. I am definitely interested in everyone's critiques to polish this up before my April 1 deadline:
"I want to be an officer in the Army because I earnestly desire to lead soldiers and be involved in the Great Power Competition with Russia and China. At a time when the United States faces growing threats from near-peer competitors, coupled with continuous asymmetrical warfare from nefarious adversaries in the Middle East and Africa, I aspire to articulate the capabilities and weaknesses of our enemies to the soldiers I would lead, if selected. The artificial island build up from the Chinese in the South China Sea, the threat of nuclear war from North Korea, the irregular warfare tactics from the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps in the Strait of Hormuz, and the malicious cyber hacks from the Russians are all potential geopolitical powder kegs that can ignite at any moment. I want to apply my sharpened analytical thinking from my Master’s degree and enlisted experience towards asserting our national interests and maintaining our military dominance around the world. As an enlisted Yeomen in the Navy, I am unable to channel my methodical reflections regarding solutions to the aforementioned problems.
The Navy has taught me the importance of character, discipline, integrity, and maintaining a standard of excellence in all aspects of life. The courses I took in college and graduate school covering Cold War Discourse, Nuclear Policy, Political Science, Human Rights, Colonization, and the Holocaust fostered my passion for becoming an Army officer and leading from the front. The experiences of living in 12 cities, traveling to 19 countries across five continents, playing high level collegiate soccer and basketball against diverse competition, minoring in Spanish, and following foreign media has given me a keen ear for identifying different foreign languages and has enabled me to understand the complexities of contrasting cultural norms. My critical thinking and analytical skills were refined while I pursued my Masters of Arts in Global Affairs at Yale University. This best-in-class program consisted of a demanding curriculum of examining primary source archives to disseminate the information to my cohort for optimal comprehension. The process of gathering information and decoding evidence was a cornerstone of my education and I am motivated to use these skills to lead soldiers if selected.
I currently work as a Transition Assistant for Navy Personnel Command and as a Subject Matter Expert, I am responsible for affiliating Active Duty Sailors and Prior Service Veterans in to the Reserves. The job has taught me to manage a sizeable workload, lead large projects, and chart an accurate course to success under tight deadlines. I was elected twice to executive positions within the Junior Enlisted Association (Secretary) and the Coalition of Sailors Against Destructive Decisions (Vice-President), and I had the opportunity to lead sailors in both organizations. Furthermore, as one of the Command Financial Specialists and Sexual Assault Prevention Readiness Victim Advocates, I helped sailors and Marines who sought my expertise. Through my extensive involvement at Navy Personnel Command, I was nominated Junior Sailor of the quarter during FY2021 Quarter 1. I have seen my positive leadership impact amongst the junior enlisted; now I am motivated to see my impact as an Army officer. I have come to appreciate that a good leader brings out the best in others, fixes systemic issues, holds everyone accountable, and takes responsibility for their team's performance. After recently reenlisting for another six years, I am committed to serving and would be honored to continue that service by being selected for the Army’s OCS program."
Officer Candidate School (OCS) (Army)
OCS
Enlisted-to-Officer
Edited 4 y ago
Posted 4 y ago
Responses: 3
3
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Since your eliminating sentences...Maybe eliminate the portion of your Yeoman experience... Also, you could cut down on the great power competition with Russia. You have a clear understanding of the operational environment. Cut simply for saving space.
Your essay is spot on.... The only other thing would be a volunteering event or hours to add.
I would sign up for Draft King's and make a hearty bet you will get selected.
Your essay is spot on.... The only other thing would be a volunteering event or hours to add.
I would sign up for Draft King's and make a hearty bet you will get selected.
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What's your Fitness level?
What's your branch choices?
Are you on the global?
When are you going to turn it in?
What's your branch choices?
Are you on the global?
When are you going to turn it in?
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PO2 (Join to see)
Good Evening Sir,
Fitness level is decent. I can max out the push ups and sit ups standard for the 27-31 male age bracket. The 2 mile run I'm at 14 minutes. Overall I think I'm scoring around a 295 on the fitness test. Navy we usually do only 1.5 miles which ill clock between 9:45-10:15 every PRT season. The recruiter is giving me a month to work on my 2 mile time because I want to max the score out.
My branch choices are military intelligence, military police, adjunct general, field artillery, air defense artillery, and infantry. Admittedly, the last three I want to read up on a little more.
Global? As in military email? Yes Sir, I am.
My application due date is April 1. The only thing I have left to do is polish up my essay and a take a business photo. I think my recruiter and his colleagues will probably give me a mock murder board before I go to the board in June as well. The recruiter and all the guys in his office have been incredibly supportive and helpful.
Fitness level is decent. I can max out the push ups and sit ups standard for the 27-31 male age bracket. The 2 mile run I'm at 14 minutes. Overall I think I'm scoring around a 295 on the fitness test. Navy we usually do only 1.5 miles which ill clock between 9:45-10:15 every PRT season. The recruiter is giving me a month to work on my 2 mile time because I want to max the score out.
My branch choices are military intelligence, military police, adjunct general, field artillery, air defense artillery, and infantry. Admittedly, the last three I want to read up on a little more.
Global? As in military email? Yes Sir, I am.
My application due date is April 1. The only thing I have left to do is polish up my essay and a take a business photo. I think my recruiter and his colleagues will probably give me a mock murder board before I go to the board in June as well. The recruiter and all the guys in his office have been incredibly supportive and helpful.
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