Army General with 6 minute run time loses war

General officers in the Army have long been chosen for their ability to fill out paperwork, say yes, run fast, and not win wars. And the incredible system for selecting military leaders to fight and lose the nation's wars has once again proven successful in Afghanistan.

"The Special Operations folks were winning in Afghanistan," said Gen. George W. Casey Jr. "But we decided to put a guy with a great run time in charge and bring in conventional forces. Then we repeated it for nearly 20 years."

"The silver lining to all of this is that now most of us have some pretty sweet jobs teaching the same academics we didn't listen to, making fat stacks selling weapons to our friends, talking about how awesome we were, and spreading misinformation," Casey added. "So there really weren't any repercussions if you really think about it."

The Department of Defense tried a variety of systems to figure out how to manage talent in the military, according to defense officials. Yet despite differences in promotion systems, most generals along with their seconds-in-command and staff are now promoted based on run times and officer evaluation reports highlighting their brilliant war mismanagement.

In 1916, the Navy introduced its "up or out" model, and more changes came after Congress passed the Officer Personnel Act and Defense Officer Personnel Management Act. Meanwhile, most officers in the Coast Guard are picked through pie-throwing competitions that were made famous throughout the ranks starting in the 1950s.

While Army officials conceded they were unable to succeed in the graveyard of empires, leaders said their decision to select top leaders was based on precedent.

“George Washington, Ulysses S. Grant, John J. Pershing, George C. Marshall, Dwight D. Eisenhower, and George S. Patton. All of these brilliant men who read history, studied military theory in-depth, and are superb examples of leadership had one thing in common,” said Gen. Mark A. Milley in a recent interview. “They all ran six-minute miles.”

As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction. You can read more at asforclass.com.