To hell and back: NCO hopes his own story will inspire the Army to change

PAY ATTENTION while I tell you a story:

I am a Military Police Investigator. I am a Recruiter.I am a paratrooper. I am air assault.

I am a Master Resiliency Trainer. I am a sergeant first class (Made it in just nine years.)

I am the 2012 NCO of the Year for Army Installation Management Command.

My name is Sgt. 1st Class Robert C. Donovan, and I AM an ALCOHOLIC.

We are in your ranks and, in many cases, the ones leading the formation. We may seem like we are getting the job done, but we are dying inside because we are scared to ask for help. We are afraid that we will lose our careers and even more afraid that no one will understand. We sit through classes like SHARP, EO, and MRT and wonder why the Army has not been more proactive in finding the root cause of our condition. On the outside we carry ourselves well. Most of us have never received UCMJ or disciplinary action in any way. Yet, we neglect ourselves so much that once we become leaders we are so busy with professional development and leading Soldiers that we forget to take care of ourselves.

You don’t believe me? Here is my story.

On Aug. 3, 2015, after calling in sick two days in a row, I started drinking multiple bottles of alcohol and consuming prescription medication. I surely did not want to kill myself, but I certainly did not want to face the day. I was depressed, shamed, and filled with guilt. How could a very intelligent person like me not know what was going on? As I laid on the couch contemplating my options in life, it was my convoluted, alcoholic mind that was telling me that I needed to choose life or death. Gun on the table and empty pill bottles nearby, I realized that it was over for me.

At that moment, not once did family, friends, co-workers, or the Army cross my mind. Asking for help was simply not an option. There are studies which explain the psychology behind that, but it is imperative you understand that those thoughts of family and friends are long gone when you hit rock bottom.

I was paralyzed with fear and out of desperation I made a phone call. My lifeline was a soldier I knew that ETS’d, hit rock bottom shortly after, and lost everything in life that he had. This was an acquaintance that I truly did not have any type of close friendship with. I have no idea why I chose this person but I thought I might have seen him post something positive on Facebook that stated he had been sober for two years. I called and asked, “Does life get any better?” and all he said was “Yes.”

I was given hope; a word that I lost all understanding of in the thick of my disease. As I stood there crying uncontrollably, I found something I could manage. I could manage the amount of hope inside me. I soon passed out. But before I did, I promised myself that “tomorrow I am going ask for help.” I remembered that hope and walked right into my First Sergeant’s office and said “I need help”. I will never forget those words because I recorded the conversation just before I walked in. I wasn’t sure how the situation was going to be handled, and I wanted to make it clear that this was a Self-Referral. The fear of the Army’s reaction outweighed any and all logic at that point. It is within those three words of “I need help” that summed up my entire problem.

So you see the problem lies within the soldier’s inability to ask for help. The reason he cannot ask for help is because of fear. He is scared for his career, he is scared of the looks around the office, and he is scared that he may have a terrible disease called alcoholism that he will have to live with for his entire life.

How do we combat that fear? We give soldiers the opportunity to see that other Soldiers have been successful in recovery and that it is possible to not only survive in the Army, but thrive.

The Army needs a program led by a “green-suiter,” who is an alcoholic and who can relate to the masses, to spearhead this project and make change.

The Army Substance Abuse Program also needs an entire team of soldiers that can travel from installation to installation sharing their experience, strength, and hope.

My program of recovery today has led me down the path to freedom and I truly believe others can follow suit. I work hard in recovery and it shows both personally and professionally.

The moral of this story is that we have a problem, and I firmly believe we have a solution and it exists already within our ranks. If those suffering are willing to ask for help, they will not have to bear the pain that I went through. So instead of the Army’s anti-drinking motto being “Don’t Be That Guy” to deter at-risk individuals from going down the wrong path, it is imperative that we allow “That Guy” to feel comfortable enough to want to change.

Sgt. 1st Class Robert Donovan has served in the Army for 10 years and current serves as a US Army Recruiter for the Long Beach Recruiting Company.He deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan with the 16th Military Police Brigade.