Posted on Sep 2, 2016
What can I do to regain the confidence I once had while serving?
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Here is my situation and I honestly have no idea what to do. I have been out of the Army for just over four years. In that time I have gone from a confident person to a person who has no confidence in 95% of all things in my life. Even though I have accomplished many life long goals during that time (ie: earn a masters degree, land a teaching job in a great district, take over a baseball program that had no history of winning and won a conference championship in year one, wife and I had our first child etc). Not only have I lost confidence...I can go from having a good day to angry in a flip of a switch.
I'm going to ramble now since I am absolutely terrible at expressing myself and well, I have no idea what to do.
First thing; Marriage:
My wife is a successful person in the medical field. She is one that if you don't see things her way she has difficulty in logically understanding your view, therefore, she won't respect it. This never was a problem, but over the course of my deployment to my current time, this has ate at me more and more. Her comments have completely turned me off from her. For example, shortly after I returned and we were back on leave in my hometown, while out with a group of friends she made it known that I was never in any danger. She based that off of the fact that we didn't lose anyone from our Company (however we did lose two Soldiers from our Battalion). She is also on my case constantly about everything that I do. For example my career, I teach and coach and well, I make roughly $42K a year. Not a lot but it is the career that I always wanted and she knew this. She is constantly taking digs at it and how I need to find another job. Mind you that during the summer when I am coaching baseball I am at our field on average 9 hours a day. So it is not like I am at the bar...
I will say this, our marriage has and never will be physical. No matter how mad I get at her the thought of hitting her does not cross my mind.
Child: We just had our first child back in April. Honestly, the only thing that is keeping me from being done with her is him. I know it is not good in the long haul....but neither is staying in an unhealthy marriage.
The 5% that makes me "happy happy happy": I started hunting three years ago and it absolutely is one of the few things that makes me relax along with coaching etc.
Anyways, I'm not sure why I'm typing all of this....more so because I needed somewhere to go and vent as I am not one to do it on Facebook etc. I tried to search for this topic and found some good things but again, wanted to vent so if this needs to be removed, please do so.
I have set up an appointment with a therapist which felt like a weight off my shoulders. That lasted two days until I received an email from my wife this morning at work jumping my ass for something I had no control over. My invited my wife to come but in her words she "is not the one who needs help" and is not the "source of the problem".
I am not suicidal by no means. Although to be completely honest, I do wonder if things would have been better if I would have been one of the two Soldiers who did not return.
Thanks for letting me vent...like I said, I'm terrible at "expressing myself" so I appreciate it.
I'm going to ramble now since I am absolutely terrible at expressing myself and well, I have no idea what to do.
First thing; Marriage:
My wife is a successful person in the medical field. She is one that if you don't see things her way she has difficulty in logically understanding your view, therefore, she won't respect it. This never was a problem, but over the course of my deployment to my current time, this has ate at me more and more. Her comments have completely turned me off from her. For example, shortly after I returned and we were back on leave in my hometown, while out with a group of friends she made it known that I was never in any danger. She based that off of the fact that we didn't lose anyone from our Company (however we did lose two Soldiers from our Battalion). She is also on my case constantly about everything that I do. For example my career, I teach and coach and well, I make roughly $42K a year. Not a lot but it is the career that I always wanted and she knew this. She is constantly taking digs at it and how I need to find another job. Mind you that during the summer when I am coaching baseball I am at our field on average 9 hours a day. So it is not like I am at the bar...
I will say this, our marriage has and never will be physical. No matter how mad I get at her the thought of hitting her does not cross my mind.
Child: We just had our first child back in April. Honestly, the only thing that is keeping me from being done with her is him. I know it is not good in the long haul....but neither is staying in an unhealthy marriage.
The 5% that makes me "happy happy happy": I started hunting three years ago and it absolutely is one of the few things that makes me relax along with coaching etc.
Anyways, I'm not sure why I'm typing all of this....more so because I needed somewhere to go and vent as I am not one to do it on Facebook etc. I tried to search for this topic and found some good things but again, wanted to vent so if this needs to be removed, please do so.
I have set up an appointment with a therapist which felt like a weight off my shoulders. That lasted two days until I received an email from my wife this morning at work jumping my ass for something I had no control over. My invited my wife to come but in her words she "is not the one who needs help" and is not the "source of the problem".
I am not suicidal by no means. Although to be completely honest, I do wonder if things would have been better if I would have been one of the two Soldiers who did not return.
Thanks for letting me vent...like I said, I'm terrible at "expressing myself" so I appreciate it.
Depression
Marriage
Counseling
Help
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 59
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I'm just guessing here, but you seem to be speaking quite eloquently with the selection of "groups" for your question. It would seem that you're depressed due to PTSD and it's affecting your marriage. Do you need counseling? Obviously, yes. But you'll have to provide your counselor with more details than you've provided here. Good luck and always remember, there are many of us here who have gone through the same thing and survived. You can to.
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I'll tell you right now that staying in a bad marriage 'for the kids' is a terrible idea. Now, I'm NOT telling you to run out and get divorced, because your marriage might not be un-salvageable -- I don't have the info or training to decide that. But if it HAS come to that point, your son growing up watching the constant fighting and bitterness and stress between you two WILL effect him adversely. So, continue to get counseling, continue to try to work things out with her, continue to make things the way you want them, but, if the time comes that you've done everything you can, and it's still not working, do NOT 'stay for the kids'. It's not good for him (them). Ask your counselor about this.
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SN Greg Wright
SPC Nate Lamphier - Ehhh, there's always going to be 'what-if'. Even when you're clearly doing the right thing. That's just...the way it goes. I caught my ex cheating on Christmas Eve, 2003. I left the next day. We had 3 children together. It was absolutely the right thing for me to do (we were not in a good place, even other than the cheating on her part), but to this day I still question it. That's just the way the ball rolls for adults. Here's the kicker: much better for YOU to take on that angst, than for your son, who is innocent of all yours-and-hers bullshit. You and she got yourselves there. He didn't. So you do what's best for him, and live with it as best you can. We all do/did.
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SSgt Terry P.
SPC Nate Lamphier - SN Greg Wright I agree with Greg,"for the kids" is not a good reason.
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CW3 Jim Lance
Try reaching out to find old friends from your childhood and the army. Perhaps a little reflection on your own childhood and your time in the army will help reignite your lost confidence. In the mean time, since the description of your marriage you've given seems to be the source of your difficulties, tell her exactly how you feel and what it's doing to you. Ask her again if she cares to participate in saving your marriage. It's her choice to do so, but in doing so you'll learn what's important to her. I suspect she is the source of your lack of confidence.
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SN Mike Holcomb
To me, a marriage is a team and her statement that she's not the one that needs help that she hasn't grasped that. I get a sense from your story that she has an issue she isn't sharing with you and it would be good if you could convince her to join you in counseling. Don't be too hard on yourself. Marriage is challenging and it takes two to make it work.
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Nate, I hear you Lima Charlie. You've got your military family here and there are more than a few of us that can relate. I respect you putting your family first and being such a selfless father & husband. There is no shortage of challenges in your way and I'm keeping you in my prayers in hopes you will find clarity. Professionally, follow what you are passionate about. You will make the greatest impact on others and work will be much more than a job. Money, alone, has not bought anyone happiness and I know you have your priorities straight. Keep the balance in your life and look to your friends and family for their thoughts. You're not alone in this!
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SPC Nate Lamphier
Thank you Sir. I know I can't fit every detail in the few paragraphs that I have already commented on but my career is one of the areas that contributed to me attacking my issues (first obviously being my son). I come from a coaching family and teaching provides me an opportunity to impact the younger generations while incorporating the same strategies to have that same influence. When someone consistently beats me down because of what I have decided to do (as a career) while also acting as if they have all the answers, well that bothers me.
Thank you again Capt Brandon Charters for your comment as well as your prayers. Coming on here and talking to people who can relate to the issues we all face is a breath of fresh air.
Thank you again Capt Brandon Charters for your comment as well as your prayers. Coming on here and talking to people who can relate to the issues we all face is a breath of fresh air.
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Cpl Kevin Osborne
We dealt with a similar situation with my uncle. He was on float for 4 of his 5 kids. What this caused was my aunt to become the head of the household and take charge to accomplish the mission; like her, it seems your wife has not been able to allow you to regain your standing as an equal. We question if my wife actually resents my uncle for having to leave for tours overseas.
Is the reason that your wife takes jabs at your career decisions because she feels that money is a problem in your relationship, that is the number one reason for divorce.
Maybe she is not happy with what she is doing?
I would highly recommend that you buy a dvd called iMarriage. It talks about the transition from happy, anticipating couple with hopes and dreams to married with demands and expectations.
The time spent overseas can mess with the duration in marriage, but we hit the 7 year itch at 5; honeymoon was over and neither felt like the other was appreciating them.
Try to remember why you fell in love with your wife in the first place and, though I know this will be a challenge, do something nice, like get a babysitter and take her on a date! When was the last time you guys did that?
Marriage is not easy and as some have stated here, placing the blame on someone puts them on the defensive. If the date idea does not seem possible right now telling her how you feel about wanting to save the marriage; without pointing fingers is a great idea.
Set small goals for yourself and then reward yourself when you accomplish them. If money is a problem, set a goal of working with your wife to pay down, or off the credit card with the highest interest rate. Reward yourself with a picnic lunch, or dinner and a movie.
I know that I have taken a different approach than others, and have not mentioned PTSD, I do know that PTSD can complicate what I have suggested and certainly encourage you to seek professional counseling, but it wouldn't hurt to try these things too.
Semper Fidelis,
Kevin Osborne
Is the reason that your wife takes jabs at your career decisions because she feels that money is a problem in your relationship, that is the number one reason for divorce.
Maybe she is not happy with what she is doing?
I would highly recommend that you buy a dvd called iMarriage. It talks about the transition from happy, anticipating couple with hopes and dreams to married with demands and expectations.
The time spent overseas can mess with the duration in marriage, but we hit the 7 year itch at 5; honeymoon was over and neither felt like the other was appreciating them.
Try to remember why you fell in love with your wife in the first place and, though I know this will be a challenge, do something nice, like get a babysitter and take her on a date! When was the last time you guys did that?
Marriage is not easy and as some have stated here, placing the blame on someone puts them on the defensive. If the date idea does not seem possible right now telling her how you feel about wanting to save the marriage; without pointing fingers is a great idea.
Set small goals for yourself and then reward yourself when you accomplish them. If money is a problem, set a goal of working with your wife to pay down, or off the credit card with the highest interest rate. Reward yourself with a picnic lunch, or dinner and a movie.
I know that I have taken a different approach than others, and have not mentioned PTSD, I do know that PTSD can complicate what I have suggested and certainly encourage you to seek professional counseling, but it wouldn't hurt to try these things too.
Semper Fidelis,
Kevin Osborne
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