Spoiling your kids post-deployment.

My greatest wish and greatest pain pre and post deployment - I call this, hurricane Jacob:

You and most other guilt ridden dads MAJ (Join to see) It isn't natural to disappear for as long as we do/did. When I got home the first time my little man was terrified because he had no idea who I was (....or maybe he figured out he would grow up to look just like me?) Anyway, All of you who still wear a uniform are subject to experiencing that hardship again. It is only natural for you to want to spoil the kids rotten. Just beware of the spouse ho has to deal with the aftermath if you have to deploy again. All that doting might make us feel better and the kids feel good, but the whiplash effect can be painful on everybody. Of course, I'm divorced now and my input requires intense scrutiny.

Maj, I guess to me it depends on how you define 'spoil'. Your kids are all unique and a part of you. You miss them when you're gone and away from them tremendously. Of my 6 kids, I was only away from my oldest two girls for about 11ish months - they were 4 and new at that time. All these years later what I remember is a great sense of never wanting to let them go again. You don't need to feel guilty for doing your job. You show them you're responsible, you show them they can depend on you & you'll keep your word.

Being with them, hugging them, spending time with them, letting them know just how much you love them is not spoiling them - that is just being a dad. 'Being a tough dad' seems to me to have more to do with discipline ... every parent and couple have their own way of approaching that. Being fair and consistent in how you discipline does not make you tough, and you're not 'spoiling them' unless you mean spoil them with love and that is not a bad thing at all.

You do your best to reassure them that you will ALWAYS be there for them, even if there may be a time that you are physically away from them, you are always and forever with them. That will never change. This isn't exactly the same, but the premise is similar .... as they grow up and sleep in their own room, there are times when they seek you out in the middle of the night because they just want to feel safe and close. You explain that just because they are in their own room, they do not have to worry that you are not there. As they get comfortable with sleeping alone in their room they slowly realize that mom and dad are right there in the house with them and it's really easy to get them so the fear or anxiety of being separated from you lessens ... and in time, they become very comfortable with their room.

Military families face this all too often. It is never easy, but it can be solved in a way that the kids KNOW without a doubt mom and dad love them forever and they will always be your kids. That never changes. --- SO, when he cries, comfort him, console him and let him know that you're always there - it doesn't have to be buying him something or taking him somewhere. Spoil the heck out of them with time, love, interest, and support in what they do. That will pay off now and years into the future.