Military veterans discuss career transition

Here's great read right out my book called THE MIRROR
TRANSITION
As an active duty service member with 20 years of honorable service, I feel I have done my duty and served my country proudly, even though I think I should have stayed for the long haul. If I had, maybe today I would be the Command Sergeant Major I dreamed I would be or then again, I could have been killed. Where would I be today if I had stayed in the United States ARMY? I did my time at the Warrior Transition Brigade at Walter Reed ARMY Medical Center in Washington DC. When I referred myself to the Mental Health Department for signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I knew my military career was over and there would be no more deployments in my life. I think four combat tours and multiple deployments to the Middle East were enough and in speaking with my wife, one more would have killed me. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do for his family.
I was married to the military/Army for nineteen years. Now, I was also a newlywed and we had our daughter. I just returned from Iraq in 2006 and from the book tour for the Center of Army Lessons Learned and I had more than my share of deployments. It was time to make a change in my life because the person my wife met was going away and the person my wife loved was gone. That person was never coming back and it was hard to tell her because after my daughter was born, I was a proud father but I lost touch with the world and my wife. There was a darkness that came out in me and I wanted no one around. I started losing touch with guys in the unit and the people around me, as well as my job.
When I went to the Warrior Transition Unit (WTU), I participated in all kinds of mental counseling and fundamental classes with other veterans who were dealing with the same issues. As bad as I was, there were some patients worse off than I. I remember being in classes where we had to use colored markers to depict actions that were going through our minds at the time. A lot of the guys and gals used the color “RED” to show pain and suffering that they experienced in their tours. Some of our classes were group discussions or charades. My transition out of the military, while I was in outpatient psychiatric, was very slow and I hated it. There were nights I sat in my room and just stared at the wall because I was away from my family and I felt so alone. I did go to the gym and I hated seeing people there violating their profiles, but that’s life. Sometimes it reminded me of a funhouse or a crazy farm because every day was something different.
There were various ranks from Private through full-bird Colonel in our group and even a female USMC recruiter who went through some crazy shit herself. Everyone was there for a reason and we all heard everyone’s stories. Occasionally, everyone broke down in our group as their stories were told. I have all the respect for all these people in my group even though some of the people didn’t go into combat. I learned that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs in different ways and that is what I am trying to show in this book. To this day, we are still blind on what’s going on with our veterans who are serving, who have served from land to sea, and the problems they face on the battlefield or in the classroom. PTSD is a real killer and it is stopping us dead in our tracks. You can’t imagine the paper work that is required while transitioning out of the military. You would never believe it! Everyday some information or some type of status is required. It is like standing in line until role call and accountability has to be done. Boy, we had a shit load of hurt soldiers; I was shocked at the number of soldiers who became wounded warriors.
It seemed like I was always going to the same places and nothing was ever getting done. I had to report to a Full Bird Colonel (COL) who was retiring from service himself and I knew he didn’t give a crap about my status. So, I basically had to make sure I knew what was going on for my own good. I had to make sure I was reporting to my “so-called” Staff Sergeant (SSG) Platoon Sergeant three times a day while I saw others report only once a day. What kind of system is that, double standard? I wanted my rating, I wanted to go home and I couldn’t believe it took the process a year and a few weeks to complete. My counselor was an Indian doctor and very helpful, but very hard to understand. I don’t know how many times they changed my medication and the type of medication (I will cover in another part of the book). Some made me really sleepy while some kept me awake at night. I remember at night I reviewed the day’s paperwork on all my medical status and I did not understand shit. I would spend hours on the computer looking up medical terms and definitions on my medical status with the types of medication and why I was on these meds.
One thing I did was start my resume while I was there. Everyone who was at the WTU was given a desktop computer in the room. I was on line learning how to develop a resume, but it really did not help me because I was not the best at reading and social media was not my thing. I listened to a lot of music while I went through my transition period. Being alone helped me find who I really was and things I did not know about myself. Things I did not understand about myself, why I did things to people that I was unaware of and why I never looked back on why I did them. I thought about my career a lot and felt like a loser, someone who had been forgotten. I felt as though I was in a recycle center for soldiers, an old soldiers’ home; like the one my dad used to talk about and now I’m there. I never thought I was going to see my little girl again. Then one day we were told that if we lived within a certain mile radius, we could start driving home on the weekends. This started to help me a little bit and I was happy to see my family. I was still not the dad I used to be because I was still going through this change that I didn’t think I was ever coming back from. I knew the person I was, was gone and my daughter was too young to understand that her daddy would never be the same. Her daddy was gone and a new daddy was here to stay. My wife totally understood my situation and she was heartbroken and ripped part. Her lover was gone. I don’t think we were intimate like we once were upon my return home. The love was gone and it is still gone to this day.

I noticed there were a lot of fun things to do, but because they were more focused toward the soldiers with physical injuries, I just was not interested in them. It was as though the veterans with PTSD were not put in the same group as the wounded warrior group and their special activities. At least that’s the way I saw it. If you were missing a leg or arms you got really special treatment and if you were in wheel chair you got really special treatment because you could see their injuries. When you returned back with severe PTSD, your injuries were invisible and people didn’t know that you were capable of committing suicide at any minute. Times are changing and the military is taking better precautions for this. I just think some of this was not taken seriously and I hated being bossed around by lower enlisted soldiers who didn’t know their jobs and our current situations.
I think I found a light at the end of the tunnel when I was updating my resume and met some gentlemen from the Defense Department who were looking for a security intern for their agency and I fit the bill. I had an automobile, availability, they liked my resume and they liked me. I started working downtown Crystal City in the Virginia/DC metro area. These guys took me by the hand and counseled me and mentored me in areas and different security areas. I was their first Wounded Warrior Intern and I busted my ass every day, four days a week. I represented the United States ARMY the best I could and my mentality was shifting more toward the civilian sector. My mentors were molding me this way. I wish I could mention their names but I won’t, though they were great leaders and mentors. The agency is a super agency to work for and if I ever asked, I am sure they would take me back in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I just live too far from there now. I do have great recommendations from my mentor and trainer and my resume will always be top notch because of people like him. I think to this day the reason I got that special call at the Crayola Factory when I was with my daughter and my wife is because these guys were networking with the government agency I work for now.
My transition from Walter Reed was still not the best. When I left Walter Reed, I was not in the best shape because I had to out-process and go to a Transition Assistance Program (TAP). This program was a transition program jammed into one week. Two days of the program was resume writing with one day writing a resume and one day reviewing a resume. What a class! I really learned a lot, which placed me into a great job in the civilian world. The best thing I got from my 20 years in the ARMY was my MSM and a surprise from DOD when I was awarded the Joint Service Commendation Medal for service for serving one year at the Defense Department for Security. WOW! Not too many Field Artillery guys get a Joint service assignment for the end of their career and not too many FA guys get JSCM. I found myself driving back to the state of Pennsylvania with a job lined up with Pepsi Cola.
The worst job I ever had in my life and not one that a person with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder should have was being a merchandiser for some 29 year old boss. I thought the ARMY was bad with 0500 hours every morning meetings. I just lived down the street, but I was beat every morning. I was late getting out of work each night because I was slow at my job. Some of these guys worked circles around me. After a few months, I caught on but after my experience in a WAL-MART with a manager whose company says they support veterans, I had to call it a day and hang up that job. I needed to look for better opportunities.
Let me explain; we in the cola world are to work as a team. I won’t use the brand names, but I had soda in the back of the Wal-Mart stock area where we stored the soda and this other company area was a mess. I made sure our area was to the standard. I was used to that because of being in the military. I set the standard and the manager was impressed with me. He asked me to be a team player, to set up the other cola exhibit and clean up the soda area before I left for the day. I called my management and I complained, but was told to follow the instructions of the manager because the manager runs the store. I told them I would be late to my other stores and they told me I would be “written up.” I tried to explain to the manager of the store and he started yelling at me. I explained to him that I was a veteran with PTSD and he laughed at me. He called my company and they told me to keep my comments to myself or I would be fired. I explained to them at the next meeting that this company and WAL-MART do not support veterans with disabilities, I was leaving and I would never support their product again. I returned their crappie uniforms and T-shirts, dumped the posters and everything they gave me and told the young manager he needed to get some people skills.
Life for me in the civilian world was a hard transition. I would come home at night a dead-beat dad and then have to take care of my daughter. My wife and I were not getting along. She constantly told me that I was a loser father. I was trying to manage the money, knowing my military retirement is barely paying for our house payment and no money left at the end of our pay. Now I have to tell my wife I quit my job at the cola company. I hate PEPSI so much that I never put them on my resume because I was embarrassed to say I worked for them. I probably never would be hired if anyone knew I worked for them as a merchandiser.
I got into law enforcement through a job I saw listed on USAJOBS.com. I applied for it and was selected to take the physical fitness test. All I could think about was the dreaded PT test in the military. I had to drive all the way to Pittsburg, Pennsylvania for the test at the end of August 2008. It was really hot. When I got there, I only had a few minutes to rest because they called everyone in the room for push-ups. Man, I hadn’t done this event since the ARMY and I was not sure if I was going to pass due to having gained a little weight. I don’t remember how many pushups I did and it was a pass or fail event. They counted to themselves. Then it was the sit-up event, which was a different way than the way I did it in the Army. We only had to lift our shoulders as fast as we could to our chest. I think that was much harder and I knew I wasn’t doing well in that event. It was also a Pass or Fail event with them counting to themselves. The next event was a 2 ½ mile stationary bike. I have been a PT stud and ran the 2-mile run under 13 minutes. For this event, I don’t remember the time, but it was the hardest riding event I ever had to do and I made it. I remember the guys and girls cheering me on as I rode this shitty bike that looked like no one rode in years. The building was out in the middle of nowhere and sand was all around the building. If you passed, you received a letter in the mail. I drove home from Pittsburg hoping I could get in the Pennsylvania Department of Corrections Academy (DOCA). Five days later, I got the letter telling me to report to Elizabethtown, PA on 1 October 2008 for recall 0500 in the morning for urinalyses. That began Basic Training phase II all over again. I had put on more weight since leaving the Army and this time we were running the show as it was all peer evaluation. We had a group Sergeant, but they were there to guide us. We did everything else.
DOCA was just the start of my security career; I just want to say it has been a ride. After I graduated from the Training Academy, I became a Correction Officer Trainee at the prison. Let’s go back to day one at DOCA, I won’t mention any names because I don’t want to get anyone in trouble. If you read my book, you’ll know who you are. First, we picked squad leaders to run the squads and a first class sergeant. Man, I wanted no part of this crap. So, the class drew names and people were asked to leave the room. Guess what? I happened to be the last name drawn because I served in the military for 20 years. After 15 minutes, we all walked into the class room and all the squad leaders were selected. It is down to four people, me and this other guy who I didn’t really think was leadership material, but some thought he was. The next thing I know I’m picking my team leads. I was selected to represent the class 01-06 as the Class Leader. Let me tell you, I have made some mistakes in my life but being the Class Leader in a training academy or group leader was a big one. When your people make mistakes, you take the hit and I mean you take the hit! Hey, I got a really cool t-shirt to prove it. All of the classmates pitched in and made a super cool student shirt with my name at the top. I was shocked that I was selected. It proves that people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can accomplish goals they set in life. I never thought I would make it through the training academy after Walter Reed because of the pills I took have taken a lot out of me and the crap I’ve been through, but come graduation day I made it. I didn’t do it alone. My class worked as a team to help everyone through this. My wife wasn’t even there to see me walk the stage and she didn’t congratulate me for doing a great job.
Then life began at the Department of Corrections (DOC), an undisclosed location, for fear of retribution in what I have written on the next few pages. I am not sure if all DOCs are like this, but if you served in the military or you’re coming out of DOCA in a leadership position, you are a target. That’s what I felt like as soon as I walked in the door because it was a foreign language there; and it was a 4-letter word every time they called my name. I thought being prior Army I would be in the door, but in that system you have to gain the respect from COs and Officers before anyone came to your level. You were treated like inmates really and the inmates were nicer to you than the staff. Now I wasn’t an inmate lover! That’s what they called them at DOC. I learned a lot from the old timers and who to trust and who not to trust in my short time of about a year on staff. I guess I was cross trained in all areas and even in LEVEL 5 with the bad ones. I even worked with the crazy inmates who really had problems and needed to be locked-up and off the streets. My wife called me crazy when I came home at night from this job. I wanted to bring her in there one night to show her how I busted my ass to put food on the table and I’m not even a CO yet. I wasn’t really cut out for that job because with PTSD I think it just got worse and my counseling at the VA was not very good. I would tell my doctor stories about things that happened to me in the prison. He told me this was affecting me badly and it was going to catch up with me. It was already catching up at home with my kid and my wife.
Soon I was to graduate to Correctional Offcier Trainee Level IV, but on a rainy Sunday afternoon I got the break I was looking for; for years. I got a strange phone call from a gentleman who worked for the Department of Defense. It’s like they had been watching me for months or years because this guy knew everything about me. He was reading everything off of my so-called resume I created some years ago…I was JAW-DROPPED! He asked me, “Are you ready for a new beginning and 2nd retirement with the Federal Government?” I was so shocked and he asked me when I could start. I was speechless and said I had to give DOC two weeks’ notice for a good reference.
So, I went back to tell DOC I was resigning my position as Correctional Officer Trainee and told them I’m going to work my specialty, Physical Security and they laughed at me. They put me on the worst duty possible in the prison. It was Cross-Walks for 2 weeks and while I worked that crappie position, I caught an inmate trying to transport illegal substances from one side of the jail to the other through my check-point. There was a lot of material on the inmate. Well for that, I was well known at the prison and some of the COs came to me and told me I had done a good job and they were sorry I was leaving. I guess I earned their RESPECT. I was asked to stay, but I didn’t agree with the things that go on in the system. I’ll never have someone tell me when I come to work that, “you’ll be working here all night, like it or not!” I didn’t have a choice due to other guards having bids in because they had been there longer than me.
Now, I work in an environment with a great group of people who first helped me build my resume to a super product and then gave me the confidence to be the person I am today. I am freely open to them about my story and PTSD because it’s important to me. I can come to work and know I have a job tomorrow. No one is going to drill me out of a little study book I have to carry with me and I don’t have to worry about an inmate taking my life. My job requires me to ensure that the people I work for are well protected by our national security as they work every day. I can do my 8 hours and go home, but if my boss needs me I’ll stay. I know I can go home and not worry about my PTSD getting out of control because I work in a stress-free environment. It has taken me a long time to climb the mountain, but I’ve done this without my family because I was always supporting them while I was suffering with PTSD and other problems. I have other health issues I have not addressed in my book and I wish not to address because this book is about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Climbing the mountain is a difficult climb, but I have proven to others who do not believe in me that dreams do come true. I went from a kid who had to walk to school every day and never had a car in the family, to a skateboarder, to a young man who joined the US ARMY, participated in four combat tours and multiple deployments worldwide, to a father of a great little girl and now protecting our people from the security threats at work. I hope someday to be a world-famous author of this book. Everybody’s transition is different.
My God, my kid, my health and my job are the most important things in my life.
SAM007