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We have all been there - the anger, the hate, sorrow and depression, the frustration towards others who do not understand us, but is that fair? Who are we making responsible for our condition? Have we been left to deal with this condition ourselves, as many say? I think so, but I also think that it is often too easy to use this condition as an identifier as to what we are, not who we are.
I have been rated at 70% for PTSD as a combat vet. The following is how I see the way forward for me and I hope it will help some of you. Some of you may hate me for saying some of it, and I understand where you are coming from because I have been there too.
After a few suicide attempts (which were actually attention getting acts), I quickly realized that I am only hurting my possible future and myself if I keep wallowing in self-sorrow and hurt. I stopped looking at the photos of the past and identifying myself as a combat vet instead of Steven. I stopped hanging out only with vets who “understand me” because that was blocking my forward motion. I stopped walking around with a chip on my shoulder. But most importantly of all, I stopped blaming other people, the Army, and anything else for what I am because I knew I needed to work on who I am in order to get ahead, and that became my focus.
Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I could explode and sometimes do. I have days where getting out of bed to go to work is so painful and so pointless that I could easily just roll over and say, “screw it” but I don’t. I know that, if I did, it would be just the beginning of a long downhill spiral effect that would drive me back to where I came from. It would make it next to impossible to be productive for my family and my job, but most of all it would ruin my life. So in the end I have the choice.
I am not a doctor or a psychologist, I am only speaking my opinion but my advice to anyone fighting PTSD is the following: Never feel sorry for yourself. Anger towards others is a waste of time and energy. Looking back at what was, speaking about it every day, wearing the combat vet t-shirts - the constant reminder of “how good it was” - may make you feel better, but it makes your life a constant struggle.
Yes, civilians will never understand, but can you change that? No, so move on. You feel you got screwed over in the Army for this and that, but can you change it? No, so move on. The VA is not accepting your rating, not paying you, not believing you or whatever else, can you change it? Yes you can, but not with hate, anger, screaming or yelling.
Our society believes we are a danger. Some of us like that title – heck, some of us need that title because the military was all we may have ever had as far as an identity. We were special and now we are civilians and no one understands us, they just don’t know. That’s just it though, they don’t know, so either educate them in a meaningful manner or don’t hold it against them and move on. We won’t change anything by being angry and hurting ourselves, so let’s go and get our lives back!
As I was writing this article I actually got a call from my CEO stating that my obvious PTSD is a problem and they need to let me go. It goes without saying this shocked me, but did not surprise me. I am, therefore, positive this is simply a door that needed to close and I am looking with excitement into the future.
We dictate our own realities - no one else can or will really help us, only we can. So make the conscious decision and stand up, be that soldier, warrior and fighter you are and go for the gold. Don’t take no for an answer, accept nothing less from yourself than you expect from others. We can and will be successful, we will prevail, and not because of the stigma but despite the stigma!
Make your plan for life and follow it, set targets, goals, and benchmarks. It is time to stand up and take your life back. Don’t know where to start? Start within yourself and get the anger out. You’re not alone but remember, just complaining to another vet who tells his stories back to you is not going to help you no matter what all these “help sessions” may proclaim. If you feel it helps, then take a deep look at what exactly is being helped. It is probably the short-term frustration - you get to shout and get it out but that solves nothing. It is like getting revenge - it may make you feel better for a short time, but we all know it is wrong and you usually feel remorse afterwards.
So now how do you move forward? You want to yell at me? Write it down. You want to insult me? Go for it. Just know that I am here for you no matter what. If you truly wish to learn more about how to live with PTSD and function in society, I may be able to help. Your hate will only destroy you, not me or anyone else, so please refrain from the emotional explosions that I know all too well. I am writing this as an offer of help, in whatever way it may help, that’s it.
What are the biggest struggles you’ve faced while dealing with PTSD?
I have been rated at 70% for PTSD as a combat vet. The following is how I see the way forward for me and I hope it will help some of you. Some of you may hate me for saying some of it, and I understand where you are coming from because I have been there too.
After a few suicide attempts (which were actually attention getting acts), I quickly realized that I am only hurting my possible future and myself if I keep wallowing in self-sorrow and hurt. I stopped looking at the photos of the past and identifying myself as a combat vet instead of Steven. I stopped hanging out only with vets who “understand me” because that was blocking my forward motion. I stopped walking around with a chip on my shoulder. But most importantly of all, I stopped blaming other people, the Army, and anything else for what I am because I knew I needed to work on who I am in order to get ahead, and that became my focus.
Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I could explode and sometimes do. I have days where getting out of bed to go to work is so painful and so pointless that I could easily just roll over and say, “screw it” but I don’t. I know that, if I did, it would be just the beginning of a long downhill spiral effect that would drive me back to where I came from. It would make it next to impossible to be productive for my family and my job, but most of all it would ruin my life. So in the end I have the choice.
I am not a doctor or a psychologist, I am only speaking my opinion but my advice to anyone fighting PTSD is the following: Never feel sorry for yourself. Anger towards others is a waste of time and energy. Looking back at what was, speaking about it every day, wearing the combat vet t-shirts - the constant reminder of “how good it was” - may make you feel better, but it makes your life a constant struggle.
Yes, civilians will never understand, but can you change that? No, so move on. You feel you got screwed over in the Army for this and that, but can you change it? No, so move on. The VA is not accepting your rating, not paying you, not believing you or whatever else, can you change it? Yes you can, but not with hate, anger, screaming or yelling.
Our society believes we are a danger. Some of us like that title – heck, some of us need that title because the military was all we may have ever had as far as an identity. We were special and now we are civilians and no one understands us, they just don’t know. That’s just it though, they don’t know, so either educate them in a meaningful manner or don’t hold it against them and move on. We won’t change anything by being angry and hurting ourselves, so let’s go and get our lives back!
As I was writing this article I actually got a call from my CEO stating that my obvious PTSD is a problem and they need to let me go. It goes without saying this shocked me, but did not surprise me. I am, therefore, positive this is simply a door that needed to close and I am looking with excitement into the future.
We dictate our own realities - no one else can or will really help us, only we can. So make the conscious decision and stand up, be that soldier, warrior and fighter you are and go for the gold. Don’t take no for an answer, accept nothing less from yourself than you expect from others. We can and will be successful, we will prevail, and not because of the stigma but despite the stigma!
Make your plan for life and follow it, set targets, goals, and benchmarks. It is time to stand up and take your life back. Don’t know where to start? Start within yourself and get the anger out. You’re not alone but remember, just complaining to another vet who tells his stories back to you is not going to help you no matter what all these “help sessions” may proclaim. If you feel it helps, then take a deep look at what exactly is being helped. It is probably the short-term frustration - you get to shout and get it out but that solves nothing. It is like getting revenge - it may make you feel better for a short time, but we all know it is wrong and you usually feel remorse afterwards.
So now how do you move forward? You want to yell at me? Write it down. You want to insult me? Go for it. Just know that I am here for you no matter what. If you truly wish to learn more about how to live with PTSD and function in society, I may be able to help. Your hate will only destroy you, not me or anyone else, so please refrain from the emotional explosions that I know all too well. I am writing this as an offer of help, in whatever way it may help, that’s it.
What are the biggest struggles you’ve faced while dealing with PTSD?
PTSD
Suicide
PTS
Stress
Command Post
Posted 10 y ago
Responses: 76
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As a nurse, PTSD is both a condition and identifier. Working at a VA Hospital (prior) I made sure that I did not startle patients when waking them up or when they are coming out of anesthesia. I would also talk to them more - to make sure that they aren't feeling overwhelmed and/or forgotten. Some come in already depressed because their medical conditions are creating MORE medical issues - and they feel like they cannot win. Hospitals are a scary place!
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SGT(P) Khalid Wise
CPT Persinger,
Thank you for your patience and your service. I am humbled and heartened by your understanding and insight into PTSD. I was fortunate enough to get referred to another VA nurse and LCDR (RET) who provided the same attentive care that you exhibit... GOD bless you Ma'am.
Thank you for your patience and your service. I am humbled and heartened by your understanding and insight into PTSD. I was fortunate enough to get referred to another VA nurse and LCDR (RET) who provided the same attentive care that you exhibit... GOD bless you Ma'am.
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PO3 Brad Phlipot
@CPT Sarah Persinger I had an Angel like you on my flight home yes it was a while ago, I was on a C141b in a chainlink rack with a mattress like many others. Through the moaning and crying every so often a wonderful nurse checked on me, made adjustments in my IV fluids and pain meds. When we landed stateside as the aircraft was being unloaded she caressed my forehead and said hang in there good things are going to happen for you. I will never forget that, I could not imagine how she kept her composure around all the carnage, pain and workload emotionally. For you and all who serve as you do God Bless you are a special Angel that brings peace to people in very difficult times.
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SFC William Farrell
Thank you CPT Sarah Persinger, you are a kind and caring nurse. I just returned home to RI from Charlottesville, VA where I had some major spine surgery which was service connected. I found the nursing staff there to be very young for the most part but highly competent, professional and caring. I thank each and everyone of them.
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Jenn Moynihan
CPT Sarah Persinger - Beautiful angel. Thanks for taking care of our injured warriors.
Jenn - USO New England Volunteer
Jenn - USO New England Volunteer
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I was not seeking help for PTSD did not even no it exited back in the day for me. But when I took an over dose of sleeping pills and was in a comma for 3 days that is not just a little cry for help. I did move forward and by the grace of God was finally able to have two beautiful daughters and nine grandchildren. It is sad that they all deal with the toxins I was exposed to that are genetic. But my daughters and grandchildren were proud that their grandma was in the military and one of the first women trained for front lines in 78. I too am proud of that accomplishment. Even threw being sick from toxins, PCBS, and this PTSD , surgeries and all this I did what I called soldiering up to life and what it had to throw at me each day. Until 3 yrs ago my health, spiraled down short term memory and all. I tried mind exercises and all. But to talk to another military person who understands and respects is a thing that helps hold me together. My last suicide attempt was 1986 with the sleeping pills.I now also have a United States Registered Service dog who understands me very well. We all joke that he understands english when I speak to him that they are shocked he can not write it. But when he nos my gerd and acid reflux in my stomach is acting up he demands to lay on my tummy since a small dog it is like a heating pad. He knows my tears and gives me hugs which is above what he was trained. So if I may suggest a service dog or even a dog that is well trained it helps me. My veteran friends in my hometown are great too. Respect is what people need and for someone to actually take the time to listen. My physical health is bad enough the VA said they can not believe I have lived this long. Do I blame for this? in some ways yes those toxins need to be kept in better watch and containment. My biggest concern I am already 100% because I showed symptoms when in the military connected to them. But what about the other veterans who did not show symptoms right away and are struggling like I have I understand it, my heart goes out to them because they do not get the help they deserve. Im also blessed that I have so many very good friends who understand when I get upset or am to sick to be out. I am not angry at you for standing up to help the ones you can. I pray you continue to find peace along with all those who suffer. I do crafts since to sick to work anymore physically, each person must find their own coping mechanisms.
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PV2 Violet Case
I meant my in home nurse comes twice a month not twice a week. sorry And thank you every one.
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MAJ David Vermillion
Thank you sharing your situation, I do believe you have supporters on RP. Keep trying!
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PV2 Violet Case
Thank you MAJ David Vermillion, I do keep trying. Spending as many days in bed as out and having to eat blended raw foods on days I can not eat whole foods. The pain is beyond explaining. But all any of us can do is try our best. When I am down in bed and do my little crafts and see them finished at least it feels like I accomplished something to see the little items. IT is good to feel like something is accomplished when feeling down.
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I have read that Cold War vets CAN NOT have PTS/PTSD especially NON combat arms. When I was with the Joint Security Force Co, Joint Security Area, UNC, Pan Mun Jom, S. Korea in the early 80s, we had commo people who had to go INTO the N. Korean area to check on agreed upon equipment EVERY day. They went in pairs UNARMED into their buildings out of our sight. Now tell me that will not cause PTS. Try being an admin person stuck north of the Im Jin River with the only bridge between you and safety being wired to blow if the north tried anything. Being north of that damn river meant that you were SACRIFICED in order to slow down the North Korean army. Being on a guard post INSIDE the DMZ hearing them talk about your wife/husband or boyfriend/girlfriend back home and what they were doing. I burned my letters so I would not hear my name. Try sleeping 2 days out of every 8 10 meters from the ACTUAL line between the north and south with a 23mm AAG pointing at your cinder block barracks. Please tell me that what I have described will NOT cause PTS/PTSD.
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SFC Boots Attaway
SPC Scott Mayhew thank you for this input. I was a foster parent before and what you say is true. Now my wife and I are helping our son raise his 5 year old son, but because of his mother it is an uphill battle. He has severe anger issues and most of the time he acts like a 2 year old. His doctor has put in a referral for him to see a psychiatrist, now it is a waiting game but it does bring back memories of my own childhood and bouncing back and forth between family members.
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PV2 Violet Case
SPC Scott Mayhew, I do telemeds since so far from my physic dr. But also have a guy who calls my house under him once in awhile and I have the lady from a vet to vet talk line who calls me about ever couple of weeks. ONe day I was very upset and was having a migraine and one of those bad days. The guy called me and I was not making since I guess normally I lay down when like that. But he told me to call a 1-800 # so I did and was put on hold for over 20 min. Then when they got on and said they were the suicide hotline I was p_ssed and said if I was thinking of suicide I could have been dead already for how long that took. I was just told to call this. Then I called the guy back but here came an ambulance and they took me to the nearest hospital for evaluation and I was fine not wanting suicide but very grateful they cared enough to do something.But I moved and have been trying to move to get more on those hot lines. So the VA center can be helpful with some people but they just dont have enough people for the suicide hotline number.
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SGT Shaun Frenette
It was the same being up on the east and west German border in Fulda know as the Fulda Gap. With all the alerts that you never knew was real or not. All along know you are nothing but a speed for the russian army if any wanted to invade. Also have gate guard looking for bombs in cars and being told that you could have suicide bomb come running up to you at any time. I was over in Germany for seven of my ten years in and five of them was during the cold war, then I fought in the Gulf War. I know I have PTSD from both the cold war and the gulf war.
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SGT Steven Eugene Kuhn MBA
SGT Shaun Frenette - we are much the same: I served on the border in Fulda and I served in ODS, I see you were a Scout, I was a tanker! You are indeed correct, the Cold War was a different kind of stress, sort of like a constant pressure over years with no lessening of the pressure.
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