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Story time!
Recently, I had an interesting – albeit awkward – conversation with a female E4 in my shop. We’ll call her Wilhelmina, because that’s not her real name. She contacted me via text, expressing a strong need to talk. There are several SSGs and SFCs between us, so I thought it was a bit odd, but I stress to my junior leaders that they avail themselves to their Soldiers, so I of course had to lead by example.
So the next day she comes to my office, and proceeds to tell me that she is stressed because she had just recently broken off a relationship with a married man, also a Soldier (whose identity she would not divulge).
Meanwhile, upstairs from me sits an E-8, a friend and mentor of mine, who was relieved of his duties as a 1SG and recommended for a general officer letter of reprimand, even after the SHARP complaint filed against him was ruled unsubstantiated (yes, really). His crime? He told a pregnant E4 in his company - a woman for whom her husband and the baby’s father are two different people - was wrong for cheating on him.
So here I am, sitting across from this E4, several years younger than my own daughter, considering that if I misspeak here, she could similarly destroy my career. Everything is wrong about this situation; she had been sleeping with a married man, she was talking to me about it (oh God, why?), and I was reacting as though I found myself in the middle of a minefield wearing clown shoes.
When I stress to my NCOs that they should avail themselves to their Soldiers, I sort of mean in a professional capacity; Feel free to talk to us about how to get promoted, or how to perform certain job tasks, or identifying impediments to mission accomplishment. I don’t mean tell me about how you’re shtupping some married guy, and are upset because his wife called you making very angry accusations (so, that happened). But apparently that is neither here nor there, since I never specified that under no circumstances do I ever, ever, ever want to hear about your sex life eww. My bad for not being clear.
Anyway, I resorted to the Socratic Method, a teaching technique that has worked for me in the past. I was quickly able to deduce that she regretted her behavior, which I capitalized on by asked her how she might avoid situations like this in the future. I even explained that there are other people specifically qualified to give good advice on issues like this, i.e. the chaplain, family life counselors, not me, etc.
She expressed gratitude for my time, informed me that she felt better, and went on her way. I spent the rest of the day feeling kind of sick and vaguely burdened. My fear of winding up in a similar predicament as my mentor, which is actually my fear of Soldier misuse of the SHARP program, had a tangible impact on me, and forced me to change how I dealt with one of my Soldiers.
Now, I applaud the tenacity with which the Army has gone after the problem of rape. In many ways, rape is worse than murder, and I am glad that the Army is taking it seriously. That being said, the Army has pursued the problem in the only way it knows:
1. Kill it with fire
2. Win hearts and minds.
Anyone who has their name uttered in the same sentence as the word SHARP is essentially guilty until proven dead, and disgruntled Soldiers know it.
So in the interest of making this a discussion, have any of you found yourselves in leadership situations where the spectre (possible poor choice of words) of the SHARP program has altered how you lead your Soldiers? In what way has this program changed how you interact with your troops, or has it not affected your approach at all?
Recently, I had an interesting – albeit awkward – conversation with a female E4 in my shop. We’ll call her Wilhelmina, because that’s not her real name. She contacted me via text, expressing a strong need to talk. There are several SSGs and SFCs between us, so I thought it was a bit odd, but I stress to my junior leaders that they avail themselves to their Soldiers, so I of course had to lead by example.
So the next day she comes to my office, and proceeds to tell me that she is stressed because she had just recently broken off a relationship with a married man, also a Soldier (whose identity she would not divulge).
Meanwhile, upstairs from me sits an E-8, a friend and mentor of mine, who was relieved of his duties as a 1SG and recommended for a general officer letter of reprimand, even after the SHARP complaint filed against him was ruled unsubstantiated (yes, really). His crime? He told a pregnant E4 in his company - a woman for whom her husband and the baby’s father are two different people - was wrong for cheating on him.
So here I am, sitting across from this E4, several years younger than my own daughter, considering that if I misspeak here, she could similarly destroy my career. Everything is wrong about this situation; she had been sleeping with a married man, she was talking to me about it (oh God, why?), and I was reacting as though I found myself in the middle of a minefield wearing clown shoes.
When I stress to my NCOs that they should avail themselves to their Soldiers, I sort of mean in a professional capacity; Feel free to talk to us about how to get promoted, or how to perform certain job tasks, or identifying impediments to mission accomplishment. I don’t mean tell me about how you’re shtupping some married guy, and are upset because his wife called you making very angry accusations (so, that happened). But apparently that is neither here nor there, since I never specified that under no circumstances do I ever, ever, ever want to hear about your sex life eww. My bad for not being clear.
Anyway, I resorted to the Socratic Method, a teaching technique that has worked for me in the past. I was quickly able to deduce that she regretted her behavior, which I capitalized on by asked her how she might avoid situations like this in the future. I even explained that there are other people specifically qualified to give good advice on issues like this, i.e. the chaplain, family life counselors, not me, etc.
She expressed gratitude for my time, informed me that she felt better, and went on her way. I spent the rest of the day feeling kind of sick and vaguely burdened. My fear of winding up in a similar predicament as my mentor, which is actually my fear of Soldier misuse of the SHARP program, had a tangible impact on me, and forced me to change how I dealt with one of my Soldiers.
Now, I applaud the tenacity with which the Army has gone after the problem of rape. In many ways, rape is worse than murder, and I am glad that the Army is taking it seriously. That being said, the Army has pursued the problem in the only way it knows:
1. Kill it with fire
2. Win hearts and minds.
Anyone who has their name uttered in the same sentence as the word SHARP is essentially guilty until proven dead, and disgruntled Soldiers know it.
So in the interest of making this a discussion, have any of you found yourselves in leadership situations where the spectre (possible poor choice of words) of the SHARP program has altered how you lead your Soldiers? In what way has this program changed how you interact with your troops, or has it not affected your approach at all?
SHARP
Counseling
Mentorship
Relationships
Posted 10 y ago
Responses: 8
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Wow. It's hard to address this situation. Only because if all the facts were laid out, I believe your mentor was wronged! The soldier blatantly admitted to breaking the ucmj. She, as well as the other said male, should be punished. His choice of words may have contributed to the relief. However, the command may have different facts. I think if I were in this situation, I would have gotten a lawyer. Fought the good fight. Only because this situation has been going on since I've been in. An accusation is almost guilt, as you said. I would also go to the commander and tell him what happened. I don't encourage cheating. Fort bragg had multiple killings years ago when husbands returned to find their dear honorable wives sleeping with guys in their unit. No wonder no one wants to be part of the FRG. Thanks for taking care of my wife's sexual needs while I was away, buddy! Adultery displays a character in people. It shows they have no loyalty or honor. I applaud your ability to handle the situation. I myself may have been in the same predicament that your mentor was in. So sad that leaders are the problem here! Because ultimately, leaders were the one that found him guilty. And some person sitting in a sharp billet is proud of himself that he ruined a career over the unhonirable actions of a few juniors. Again, strictly saying this as laid out by your facts. If the facts were different, maybe I would change my direction.
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SFC Josh Jackson
MSG Ibarra, he did get a lawyer. While the claim was unsubstantiated, his relief from position a GOMOR came from (I'm not making this up) "the possibility that he used sexually explicit language while counseling a female subordinate". I've known this man for years. I deployed with him. I cannot recall a single instance of him using profanity. But anything is possible, so his career is ruined. It's such a shame.
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SFC Josh Jackson, thanks for sharing your story. And, wow (!!), what a story!
I have not found myself in that position. After reading it, though, I thought, "What about bringing in a female NCO to participate in the discussion?" Or maybe the SHARP representative. I recognize you probably didn't know what the Soldier was going to talk to you about when you agreed to meet with her.
I see another immediate drawback here - that the Soldier might not want to broadcast her problem to the world, but still, in hindsight, I think I would try to get another female in that room with me. Maybe an EO or SHARP NCO. Just a suggestion. I don't know if it's feasible, but it would be a great way to CYA, especially if the SHARP representative is right in the room.
In the counterintelligence interview world, which is - admittedly - not the same as counseling a Soldier, we always (at least) try to have two agents in the room, just so there's no chance the person being interviewed will later claim something happened that did not happen.
Bottom line is that I feel your pain - and I tend to agree with you - on the minefield that is, or can be, SHARP. I never thought of it in those terms, but your E-8 mentor proves that it can be a train wreck for an innocent NCO just trying to do his job.
I have not found myself in that position. After reading it, though, I thought, "What about bringing in a female NCO to participate in the discussion?" Or maybe the SHARP representative. I recognize you probably didn't know what the Soldier was going to talk to you about when you agreed to meet with her.
I see another immediate drawback here - that the Soldier might not want to broadcast her problem to the world, but still, in hindsight, I think I would try to get another female in that room with me. Maybe an EO or SHARP NCO. Just a suggestion. I don't know if it's feasible, but it would be a great way to CYA, especially if the SHARP representative is right in the room.
In the counterintelligence interview world, which is - admittedly - not the same as counseling a Soldier, we always (at least) try to have two agents in the room, just so there's no chance the person being interviewed will later claim something happened that did not happen.
Bottom line is that I feel your pain - and I tend to agree with you - on the minefield that is, or can be, SHARP. I never thought of it in those terms, but your E-8 mentor proves that it can be a train wreck for an innocent NCO just trying to do his job.
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SFC Josh Jackson
Yep, definitely did not see this coming. I did leave the door to my office open, thank God. In retrospect, I wish I had taken her to our EO rep's (female) office to discuss it there. Yeesh.
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MSG (Join to see)
I think overall you did the right thing. You listened to a Soldier in need and honestly there is not a need for any other programs rep to be involved in a discussion that your Soldier is looking for guidance or an ear on. It was an uncomfortable position to be in but professionalism ultimately pays off. If you choose to take action on the information that you received then you should probably notify someone in your chain and prepare a counseling statement to document your actions. Ensure someone else is in the room to witness the discussion as well. Ultimately i think the next step would be to add a statement regarding this situation to future counsels for all of your Soldiers to ensure they are aware of the consequences of this type of behavior; this will also show that particular Soldier that you showed mercy but their could have been repercussions for her actions.
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Oh dear baby Jesus, SFC Jackson. I believe you handled that as well as anyone could have and that burden you now feel you're under isn't yours. That said, the fact that she was essentially seeking validation for her behavior is very bothersome to me. Especially from a SNCO, I agree with your assessment of the SHARP program. We've had it shoved down our throats so much these past 5 years that it's making people become desensitized if anything. Just my two cents.
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SFC Josh Jackson
Thanks! It was definitely a test for me. I broadcast my emotions in my facial expressions, and I have a terrible brain-mouth filter. I was definitely walking a proverbial tightrope there.
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SSG Sara Sutton
SFC Jackson, YES. I thought I wasn't able to be shocked any further and then I was a PSG with a mostly male platoon. I learned far more about the processes for SHARP and EO (even being an EOL) after that than anything before. I've moved my facial expressions down into body language now. Or so I've been working on.
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