If you've struggled with sometimes allowing your anger to show through in front of your soldiers, how have you tackled or resolved the issue?

This is really a character flaw. We all have had this. It is something we have to work through. I was easily fired up when I was an NCO. I have really worked on this. I really enjoy philosophy so I look to Marcus Aurelius on this. “When you first rise in the morning tell yourself: I will encounter busybodies, ingrates, egomaniacs, liars, the jealous and cranks. They are all stricken with these afflictions because they don’t know the difference between good and evil.” — Marcus Aurelius

He was the last of the Great Roman Emperors. He even had a General in the legion in Syria try to over throw him and Marcus felt bad that the General felt that was an option. He told his other Generals not to be upset about the situation. I can't think of another situation to where you would be justified being upset than a rebellion. But you have to tell yourself that some of the Soldiers we deal with simply don't understand their actions. We should blame their lack of acknowledge and not them. A book I highly recommend is How to Think Like a Roman Emperor. It will really make you think on how you lead your Soldiers.

The first step is recognizing the problem.

I am, myself, prone to anger. I very VERY rarely let it show. When I did, it was epic. The way I worked this was through a few different things.

One, I am exceptionally good at bottling. I can bottle up ANY emotion for a good deal of time until I find an appropriate time and place to let it go. But that last part is vital.. You HAVE to find a way to let it go. For a long time, I got my anger out on the racquetball court. Beating the ever-loving snot out of that ball was a (relatively) healthy release. Others use running or (legitimate) boxing, or even primal scream therapy. Whatever works for you. But do not bottle without release - it is unhealthy emotionally, mentally, and even physically. Plus, when the lid bursts (and it will, eventually), it will also probably be unhealthy for your career.

Second, when I *did* get angry, I made a VERY conscious effort to apologize, and to do so ASAP. If my outburst was public, then so was my apology (when appropriate). If I had embarrassed or belittled someone, I wanted to do everything I could to restore them.

Third, I did a lot of introspection. I looked at what was making me mad, why I was mad, and whether my reaction was waranted. (MRT keywords: detecting icebergs!). When I felt that my anger was warranted and/or justified, I worked to find ways of addressing the issue productively. Even if my boss WAS a useless, half-witted jack-nozzle, and his/her orders were stupid, pointless, and dangerous, saying that would not lead to a productive solution or effectively address the legitimate issues. I had to find a way to effectively communicate (keyword: tact) the issues and seek relief from the order or at least an acceptable amendment to the order. And if it was a subordinate that was the problem, ranting and raving is highly unlikely to produce lasting change. Sure, I might be able to get Joe to do this one task this one time, but it will have little effect on NEXT time. (In most cases. Sometimes ranting and raving is warranted, but even then, effective communication is required to let Joe know WHY they screwed up and how to avoid it in the future.)

Fourth, and this one was tough for me (and I still struggle with it) was "not my circus, not my monkeys." Take a good hard look at whether the problems or issues that you see which are causing your anger are in your lane. If your peer is a worthless POS, is that your problem? It MIGHT be, and it may require being addressed. But most of the time, it is not something you have the power to fix, it isn't REALLY affecting you or your Soldiers, and it can be safely ignored. (Please note, I am not recommending or advocating ignoring failing to meet standards or anything like that. But if your peer just sucks at their job, that is on them and their supervisor, not on you.) If your BC is a toxic leader, what power do you have to change that? Yes, it may affect you and your Soldiers, but can you, as a squad leader, really do anything to change the Battalion's climate? Probably not. So you realize that this, too, is not your circus, and focus on what IS your circus. You take the anger at how screwed up *X* is and use it to fuel your squad. Take the screwed up things they are doing, recognize it, and use it as a model of what not to do. Use that anger and channel it into making sure that your guys are squared away, and into finding ways that you can counteract (at least partially) the effects of that bad leader.

Fifth, take a deep breath. Yep, that's it.

Sixth, counseling. If you have an MFLC, go see them. Seriously. Counseling isn't JUST for "mental health issues" (and we can debate whether being prone to violent outbursts of anger qualify as a mental health issue another time). Sometimes just having someone to talk through your issues with helps a shit-ton.


I strongly recommend you sit down with your MRT. I am not a huge fan of the Army's Resilience Training model (and I was a certified MRT who actively facilitated and delivered training). But, your MRT has (or should have) a wealth of knowledge and tools which can help you work through some of these issues. As mentioned, the Detecting Icebergs skill will likely be exceptionally helpful for this particular issue. But you may also want to work through Thinking Traps and/or Catastrophizing. ATC, Real-time resilience, Put it in Perspective, and even Energy Management may come in to play.

You may not like my answer but it is the responsible answer to give.
It all starts with recognizing that you have an anger management problem. You may not, it could all be just your soldiers being overly fragile and thin skinned.
But if you do believe you have, then by all means go to Behavioral on your own and work on resolving your issues FIRST.
Only then you can start working on repairing your reputation of the stereotypical "angry NCO" that no one wants to talk to or ask questions to.

Best of luck!