How tight is your 30 second commercial? Share your commercial if you like.

I apologize trying to juggle a few things and wanted to lead by example and post my 30 sec I am open to your feedback. Here you go:

Good afternoon my name is Dylan Raymond and my background is in HR Plans and Operations, training and recruiting. My current role I am a military recruiter where I develop Transitioning Military talent pipeline to support all sectors of Shell's business in the US.

I am interested in transitioning into trading. What I like about trading is that its fast paced and I can use my analytical, attention to detail and problem solving skills.

Who would you recommend that I get in contact with to learn more about trading opportunities?

Here you go, here is my "30 second commercial"...

My name is Ben Keen, Executive Director and Founder of Steel City Vets; a Post 9/11 Veterans Support Organization in Pittsburgh, PA. I proudly served in the US Army for 8 and half years deploying in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. I'm a passionate, driven, talented IT professional who has taken the lessons learned on the battlefield and has applied them to the corporate environment.