Posted on Sep 11, 2016
Civilians get divorced at a higher rate than the military. Did military service strengthen or ruin your marriage?
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The stats from the pic are a few years old, but have not changed much in recent years...
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Military Career
Military Career
Edited 8 y ago
Posted 8 y ago
Responses: 46
Suspended Profile
I got divorced this month, worth every penny if you ask me.
SSG Dr. John Bell, PhD.
I got divorced while in the Army. But it was not caused by the Military. It was caused by a
Korean wife that was trying to be a greedy Korean wife and to try and use the military to work a smuggling racket. She got caught trying to smuggle gem stones into the US. Doing Federal time. She could care less about her family. (She had to teen children) (From her prior marriage.)
Korean wife that was trying to be a greedy Korean wife and to try and use the military to work a smuggling racket. She got caught trying to smuggle gem stones into the US. Doing Federal time. She could care less about her family. (She had to teen children) (From her prior marriage.)
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A1C Lisa Casserly
I would offer my sympathies to all of you, (married for 30 years to a wonderful man!) but it sounds like you are making a lucky escape.
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Suspended Profile
Every ending is another beginning.
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In 1986 I told her i'm in the Navy so i'll be gone a lot and i'm not getting out any time soon. She said "Ok".
She's still tolerating me 30 yrs later...LOL
She's still tolerating me 30 yrs later...LOL
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SMSgt Lawrence McCarter
In the same token My wife supported Me in both the Military service and also civilian Law Enforcement, never even once suggested I get another profession. 39 years later we are still married. I'll give Her credit for that though ,sometimes i don't think I would want to liver with someone like Me. LOL
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SSG Melvin Nulph
SMSgt Lawrence McCarter - Sounds to me as if the two of you found some outstanding Little Ladies. Does a person like myself good to hear that some of us did things the way it's meant to be & I'm happy for anyone that is blessed such as yourself.
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I believe that if you marry the right person, are both committed to making the marriage work and generally treat you spouse like he/she is your best friend, then the marriage should survive.
Military service can stress a marriage, but so can many other things on the outside. All of it has to be worked through, no matter if your in or out of uniform.
Most of my friends got their divorces after they retired. The extra time spent with each other coupled with the fact that the military spouse is no longer treated like BMOC by subordinates tends to bring out the wrong side of folks, and that's not usually prepared for by either spouse.
PS. I've been happily married for 26 years, and retired for 7.
Military service can stress a marriage, but so can many other things on the outside. All of it has to be worked through, no matter if your in or out of uniform.
Most of my friends got their divorces after they retired. The extra time spent with each other coupled with the fact that the military spouse is no longer treated like BMOC by subordinates tends to bring out the wrong side of folks, and that's not usually prepared for by either spouse.
PS. I've been happily married for 26 years, and retired for 7.
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A1C Lisa Casserly
I agree with you! First, marrying your best friend really DOES help. You forgive your friends. The person you are dating? Not always. Yes, the military is very stressful. Another huge stressor is the massive change that happens when you retire or get out. Communication is KEY to a long lasting marriage. And, lol... so is a healthy dose of don't-really-give-a-damn. You know... I'm just too tired to fight about this. And, recognizing those hot-button topics, the ones where you have an opinion and your spouse has an opinion, and you don't agree and neither will budge from their position. I can't even begin to tell you how often we fight over the same old stupid things... and then realize that neither of us are going to change our mind... and just throw our hands up and walk away.
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I'm really surprised at that statistic. I say this because I have seen or at least heard of marriages that didn't last longer than 3 years in the military and divorces are happening left and right. Granted the fact that they married young or married fast probably has something to do with it. But there have been times when i knew of 3 or 4 people all going through a divorce at the same time. If the civilian side is worse, does anyone stay married these days??
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TSgt Melissa Post
COL Lee Flemming - I do not doubt your stats, i'm just surprised at the rates/ratios.
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SGM Erik Marquez
I'm a bit suspect of those stats and thier source..
Stats based on numbers can mean anything the assembler of the stat wants it to.. Looking at the source and who produced that chart and for what underlying reason... Im suspect of the results.
If there is a peer reviewed, independent source with the same stats then that would have weight with me in my mind.
My non scientific observations over 28 years of service do not agree with that chart. But that may just be my limited exposure over all.
Stats based on numbers can mean anything the assembler of the stat wants it to.. Looking at the source and who produced that chart and for what underlying reason... Im suspect of the results.
If there is a peer reviewed, independent source with the same stats then that would have weight with me in my mind.
My non scientific observations over 28 years of service do not agree with that chart. But that may just be my limited exposure over all.
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1LT Rich Voss
The US civilian divorce rate had been over 50% for years until the past 2 or 3, now it hovers around 47-48 %. Reasons given, the two people separately know that they can't have the home/condo/town house they want even WITH "maintenance" or child support thrown in. BOTH would suffer, so more are staying together...well maintaining a "marriage". I read about this all the time because I'm on wife 4. And yes, it has been a very, very expensive set of mistakes.
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SSG James J. Palmer IV aka "JP4" wouldn't you agree that our marriage is stronger because of the military. Every time you go TDY the kids are happy because you don't all the food and you're happy because you eat at all the buffets. #hushup
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SFC Joseph Weber
SSG James J. Palmer IV aka "JP4" - Hah! No wonder you are always so polite and professional on here. SSG Trust Palmer is always keeping you straight!
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Like a couple other comments, I'm surprised at the statistics. Military life is tough on a marriage so would have thought we were higher. Perhaps has something to do with fact that military is such a low percentage of the total population these days.
Anyhow, those military marriages that survive seem to be extremely stable. I think the constant not being around on the part of the military member makes the other spouse more self sufficient. My wife of 46 years and I constantly joke about how she had to handle this or that because I wasn't around. Military not for everyone but those spouses that marry into it seem to be more self sufficient and stable IMO.
Anyhow, those military marriages that survive seem to be extremely stable. I think the constant not being around on the part of the military member makes the other spouse more self sufficient. My wife of 46 years and I constantly joke about how she had to handle this or that because I wasn't around. Military not for everyone but those spouses that marry into it seem to be more self sufficient and stable IMO.
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My dad experienced WWII, Korea, and Vietnam...divorced twice. As a child, I asked him about that once and his reply was simple; "The military will make or break any marriage." Why? Because it's not made for those who can't handle separation, constant relocations + never knowing when the next balloon will go up. Add to that the results of someone returning from down range with inevitable mental and physical changes that happened there = an unanticipated level of STRESS that many simply can't overcome. Pretty basic stuff, actually.
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Cpl Elizabeth Koeneman
Very true. It can also be physically challenging dealing with a spouse who has recently returned. The first couple of weeks after hubby came home, I ended up with bruises nearly every night from him lashing out at phantoms in his nightmares. (Sleeping, he wouldn't lay a finger on me awake unless you count when we'd practice MCMAP together) Then I learned to wake up when he would first start moving and move to the couch or the floor of our son's room. After a few months, the nightmares subsided, coincidentally when we moved to a new base and could no longer hear a mortar range from our house.
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SSG Melvin Nulph
Cpl Elizabeth Koeneman - You're a very strong person and for both of you, I am so glad for that, also to hear his dreams has stopped (for the time being). I hope what ever the dreams are it's something the two of you are able to speak about.
Please look into places that can help both of you deal with anything that, 'The Trips Down Range' can cause, just in case either of you need them. I wish both of you the very best and hope the two of you end up being like some of the others, with the double digit anniversaries right around the corner with lots of great memories together. Best of Luck Lady
Please look into places that can help both of you deal with anything that, 'The Trips Down Range' can cause, just in case either of you need them. I wish both of you the very best and hope the two of you end up being like some of the others, with the double digit anniversaries right around the corner with lots of great memories together. Best of Luck Lady
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Divorce is divorce. You have to have the right person. If you have the right person, whether you in the military or not, your marriage will flourish. If you don't have the right person, then it doesn't matter whether your military or not. I was married in the military and it wound up in a divorce, not because of the military, but, because we were not the right people to be married to each other. My ex remarried after several relationships. She found the right person for her. I remarried in the civilian community and agin divorced. Again, not the right person. I have found the right person and am living the life. So, it's not the military or non military. It's who is the person you chose.
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SMSgt Lawrence McCarter
Cpl Ruffing, You make a very valid point ! If You make the wrong choice it can be pretty bad, glad I haven't had that experience though. We have been married 39 years and still going strong. Guess We have got pretty used to each other.
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Lt Col John (Jack) Christensen
I agree, has to be the right person, but sometimes takes a while to determine that. Military life tends to exasperate the situation if not the right person.
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Cpl Jeff Ruffing
Follow up on my initial response;
I think to many people (50% is the statistic) rush into marriage for a number of reasons. None of which include that the person they are marrying is the"right" person. It maybe because;
1) They have fallen in love with the idea of marriage and how it should be.
2) To get out of the house away from others specifically parents.
3) Could be a "rebound" effect, whether from a previous marriage, or relationship.
4) Could be an honor thing. We called them shot gun weddings.
Immaturity plays a large role. I could list many examples. It's like joining the military. Did any of you really know what you were getting into when you enlisted? How many times did you see immaturity in your fellow troops or comrades. See them do really stupid stuff that only hurt their careers only for them to say, " I don't care." They think they are mature. They think they are doing the right thing. But, in hindsight, just like the rest of us, they see the errors of their ways. You have to ask yourself, does this person enhance who I am, who I want to be? Do I enhance this person and who they want to be? Does this person have my back? Do I have theirs? If you don't trust that person like you trust your combat buddies, why the hell are you marrying them? Do they respond to help you like your combat buddies? Do you respond to help them like you would your combat buddies? If people spent more time really asking themselves these questions, there would be a better marriage record.
I think to many people (50% is the statistic) rush into marriage for a number of reasons. None of which include that the person they are marrying is the"right" person. It maybe because;
1) They have fallen in love with the idea of marriage and how it should be.
2) To get out of the house away from others specifically parents.
3) Could be a "rebound" effect, whether from a previous marriage, or relationship.
4) Could be an honor thing. We called them shot gun weddings.
Immaturity plays a large role. I could list many examples. It's like joining the military. Did any of you really know what you were getting into when you enlisted? How many times did you see immaturity in your fellow troops or comrades. See them do really stupid stuff that only hurt their careers only for them to say, " I don't care." They think they are mature. They think they are doing the right thing. But, in hindsight, just like the rest of us, they see the errors of their ways. You have to ask yourself, does this person enhance who I am, who I want to be? Do I enhance this person and who they want to be? Does this person have my back? Do I have theirs? If you don't trust that person like you trust your combat buddies, why the hell are you marrying them? Do they respond to help you like your combat buddies? Do you respond to help them like you would your combat buddies? If people spent more time really asking themselves these questions, there would be a better marriage record.
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