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This is a message I received today, sorry for all the grammatical errors. It makes me feel sad, but at the same time I feel like my ex wants me to feel bad so I can give him another chance... That won't ever happen. Anyway, if my son truly feels this way, how do I PCS out of state (or OCONUS if I get my way) without devastating him?
"We was driving home and a song came on and he said I don't like this song cause it makes me miss my mom and I said so why when he talks to you he doesn't talk for a long time he told me he misses you so much that he gets nervous talking to you and doesn't know what to say. Then he said he get wait for you to get a new house so we all can live together and I told him it will just be you and the kids and he said no I want you to come with us I told I couldn't cause your not my girlfriend no more so we can't live together then he said she's your wife you supposed to live with your wife and kids and I told you wasn't my wife anymore we just friends and he got mad. He said I need to fix the problem so I can live with yall cause I'm his dad and your his mom we supposed to be a family and live together so he told me to fix it with a attitude and was mad at me."
I don't want to break my son's heart anymore, but I can't put my life (and career) on hold just to be close to his father.
"We was driving home and a song came on and he said I don't like this song cause it makes me miss my mom and I said so why when he talks to you he doesn't talk for a long time he told me he misses you so much that he gets nervous talking to you and doesn't know what to say. Then he said he get wait for you to get a new house so we all can live together and I told him it will just be you and the kids and he said no I want you to come with us I told I couldn't cause your not my girlfriend no more so we can't live together then he said she's your wife you supposed to live with your wife and kids and I told you wasn't my wife anymore we just friends and he got mad. He said I need to fix the problem so I can live with yall cause I'm his dad and your his mom we supposed to be a family and live together so he told me to fix it with a attitude and was mad at me."
I don't want to break my son's heart anymore, but I can't put my life (and career) on hold just to be close to his father.
Family
Divorce
PCS
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 13
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My heart goes out to you, PO1 Shahida Marmol. I too am going through a divorce - three kids for me - and it has been very hard on them. I have heard them say things that are heartbreaking. Two weeks ago, my wife forgot her son's 8th birthday, then wasn't there when we went to an amusement park to celebrate. He has been talking about it ever since. Just today she told me that she would be going to a party on Friday... our youngest son's third birthday. She just forgot. Her new social life is more important.
That and other reasons are why I will be the primary custodian.
But...
They need their mother. She is very important to them, and they crave her attention as much as they resent her absence.
My advice is to do whatever you can to be as close to your kids as you can. Do not let yourself be manipulated, but your ex might just be conveying a message you need to hear.
It hurts me badly every time my children tell me they want their mother and I to be together again. Sometimes, I do too, for their sake. But there are reasons why we are no longer together, and they won't get better playing house. You deserve a chance at a happy future with someone who will love and appreciate you.
Take leave. Bring your son somewhere fun. Hug him and tell him you love him. Make happy memories. He needs you, and doesn't know how to say it. If you can, give him a forum to tell you how he feels. His father is likely not doing you any favors explaining why things are the way they are in a favorable light. Be your own voice.
I'll pray for you tonight. Your story hits me very close to home, just from the other side of the divorce.
Good luck, Shahida.
That and other reasons are why I will be the primary custodian.
But...
They need their mother. She is very important to them, and they crave her attention as much as they resent her absence.
My advice is to do whatever you can to be as close to your kids as you can. Do not let yourself be manipulated, but your ex might just be conveying a message you need to hear.
It hurts me badly every time my children tell me they want their mother and I to be together again. Sometimes, I do too, for their sake. But there are reasons why we are no longer together, and they won't get better playing house. You deserve a chance at a happy future with someone who will love and appreciate you.
Take leave. Bring your son somewhere fun. Hug him and tell him you love him. Make happy memories. He needs you, and doesn't know how to say it. If you can, give him a forum to tell you how he feels. His father is likely not doing you any favors explaining why things are the way they are in a favorable light. Be your own voice.
I'll pray for you tonight. Your story hits me very close to home, just from the other side of the divorce.
Good luck, Shahida.
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PO1 Shahida Marmol
And I don't think they necessarily choose sides. I am a girly girl and so is my daughter. My son is ALL boy so naturally he is swayed to his dad. We never make them choose. I wouldn't want to burden them like that.
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1SG (Join to see)
How old are the children, PO1 Shahida Marmol? Mine are 9 (daughter), 8 and 3 (Boys). My daughter definitely resents her mother leaving, and barely wants to interact or listen to her mother. My 8 year old leans towards his mother, and will do anything to get her attention, even negative stuff. The youngest still prefers mommy, but he is just fine with me. They are a handful, but we are filling the summer with fun. The last thing I want to do is have them shaken by all of this drama going into the school year. They are good kids, and I am very proud of them. They are more than I can handle alone so far, but I will adjust.
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PO1 Shahida Marmol
My kids are 8 and 5. MY son is the 5 year old. I'd like to think all of us have a good relationship. My son and daughter are super close so that helps. She is really nurturing to him, especially while I am away. I just dont want him to blame me for his dad not being able to visit him, due to his own accord (doesn't want to work).
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1SG (Join to see)
Doesn't want to work?!
Is that even an option?
Is there more to that story? We can take this to messaging if you don't want this in the open.
Is that even an option?
Is there more to that story? We can take this to messaging if you don't want this in the open.
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Not a situation that you want to be in ever. If I were you I would find time to talk to your son and find out exactly how he feels. Do the best you can to let him know what is happening, bring it to his level and talk to him. Let him know that you love him and that you will write and call him as much as you can. It's tough when there are kids involved. Good luck!
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PO1 Shahida Marmol
I talk to both my kids a lot. He's the youngest and I'm not sure if he fully gets what I am saying to him. It's hard because he isn't much of a talker. I was quite surprised he said as much as he did to his dad. I just wish my kids knew how much we both love them and how no matter what we'll remain civil so we can both be a part of all the good things in their lives.
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SFC (Join to see)
It is good that you are able to talk to your kids about what is going on. You both need to make sure that no matter what happens, they are still both of your priorities.
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A lot of times, the things we do in our careers, our children will never truly understand. Yes, we are suppose to be there for our kids and protect them, but when people go through divorce and break-ups, the real losers in it are the kids. But that is what happens in life, things we cant really explain to them.
If you are truly finished with the ex, maybe you and your son can go to some kind of family counseling together and work on your own relationship. Kids at a young age never know the reasons why parents split up.
And if your job causes you to PCS, take it and go with it. your career is what keeps you stable. Your son will understand in time why you had to leave.
If you are truly finished with the ex, maybe you and your son can go to some kind of family counseling together and work on your own relationship. Kids at a young age never know the reasons why parents split up.
And if your job causes you to PCS, take it and go with it. your career is what keeps you stable. Your son will understand in time why you had to leave.
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