Barracks Inspection Horror Stories: What's the worst you've seen?

We had a General Officer named Crocker. Major General Crocker was inspecting our unit's barracks and in the room across the hall from mine, the inhabitant had been sneaking a shot or twelve from a bottle of German Schnapps he had brought back from Germany with him. So he was a bit ...well he was blistered to tell the truth....and he thanked the General for all the great recipes and wonderful cookies his wife, Betty, made.....I almost had a freaking aneurysm trying not to laugh so badly. Betty Crocker....Priceless. Thank Betty for the Great Cookies...To this day I can not look at a bag of Oatmeal raisin and not start laughing

I was in Diyala Province in 2008 when one of the Cavalry Troopers in the unit I was supporting failed to return from leave. His Platoon Sergeant asked me to assist with inventorying his gear since there was a shortage of NCOs. Upon cracking open a footlocker, it was found to be nearly half-filled with (ahem) flesh-lights. If you don't know what that is, google it on your non-Army computer. Old boy appeared to have collected all of them. The PSG, not knowing what it was, picked one up with a puzzled look and a "WTF..?" and in the dark in the light of our headlamps, "pixie dust" sparkled out of the (umm) orifice. Apparently, this trooper had not adapted to the water shortage and not yet devised a good way to clean his stuff up after use.
Not wanting the PSG to make a mistake, I suggested he secure a pair of latex gloves before going any further. No way was I going to do anything but hold the clipboard. It took him over a half hour to compose himself. Watching him try to pick through that footlocker with a long M-16 cleaning rod was pretty priceless.
On the inventory sheet, I dutifully desribed in fine Army Jargon what each item was. Example:
"Personal stimulation device, Jenna Jamison's @$$, blue, one each" (many are modeled after certain "model's" body parts).

He showed up two weeks late from leave with some story about his girlfriend leaving him. I have NEVER seen anything like the smoke show that Soldier got repeated in my Army career.

I found a surgical glove on one of my Soldiers shelf when I was a platoon sergeant conducting a pay day activities barracks inspection. Being well versed in the Infantry way of life I asked him why he had a surgical glove on his shelf before I touched it. He told me that a stripper gave it to him after she wore it when she stuck her fingers up his @ss

It was not pretty after that.