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There were times growing up that I wanted to be like one or the other of my parents, and times I wanted to be nothing like them. Yet as I reach the age they were when I was most critical of them, I find myself making many of the same choices.
I have learned the roots of many of their choices as I have grown up (fears, abuse, lessons learned, emotional trauma, etc...), and I find that even though our experiences are different in many ways, I still act in ways based on the examples they set if I don't stop to think through what I am about to do.
What are some of the things you do that your parents did, good or bad?
If you have children, do you see yourself in them? Is that good or bad?
How hard are you willing to work to overcome the traits of your parents (family) to see yourself, or your children succeed?
I have learned the roots of many of their choices as I have grown up (fears, abuse, lessons learned, emotional trauma, etc...), and I find that even though our experiences are different in many ways, I still act in ways based on the examples they set if I don't stop to think through what I am about to do.
What are some of the things you do that your parents did, good or bad?
If you have children, do you see yourself in them? Is that good or bad?
How hard are you willing to work to overcome the traits of your parents (family) to see yourself, or your children succeed?
Family
Values
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 18
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CW2 Joseph Evans you hit a home run with this thread. As a wanna-be junior couch talker, I can argue that these unresolved childhood issues are responsible for the majority of problems within the military and civilian communities.
There are so many service members who just don't know what right looks like. They do what they were showed and get infuriated when someone tells them they are not doing the right thing. The older generations of service members got the belt. We got paddled (with a wooden paddle!) from the assistant principal in school, and maybe we got a hand across the face. We went to school with a deer rifle resting in the rifle rack of our barely running beater trucks during deer season. This was normal behavior in MANY families. These days, if you yell at your kids an the neighbor calls the police, expect a visit from CPS.
Am I advocating leaving welts, bruises, etc from corporal punishment? HELLS NO! But those of us born in the era pre-cable tv(LOL) would have been raised by foster parents, since most of our would have been locked up by today's standards. One of the therapists came out from the PTSD clinic we worked at in Alaska and had a look of disbelief on his face. He came in, closed the door, poured a cup of joe, and said something that will stick with me......."If it weren't for the sins of dysfunctional families, we couldn't maintain an all-volunteer military." In NO way am I saying he is correct, or that his opinion applies to everyone, but I had seriously damaged people of all ranks and ages come in wondering why they feel broken.
Leaders, get to know your subordinates. Look out for your leaders as well. There is help out there. Mental health care outside of the service can be EXTREMELY expensive. Leaders, go to the mental health offces and ask to get a briefing of their services. During safety stand downs, coordinate with mental health and have your key leaders attend a brief. It will pay off. Many of your "headaches" can be fixed by sending them for a quick intake assessment.
If you don't seek help, you are stating that you CHOOSE to live in the situation you currently find yourself in. Look out for each other. These are the people who watch your back. V/R, Uncle Mark.
There are so many service members who just don't know what right looks like. They do what they were showed and get infuriated when someone tells them they are not doing the right thing. The older generations of service members got the belt. We got paddled (with a wooden paddle!) from the assistant principal in school, and maybe we got a hand across the face. We went to school with a deer rifle resting in the rifle rack of our barely running beater trucks during deer season. This was normal behavior in MANY families. These days, if you yell at your kids an the neighbor calls the police, expect a visit from CPS.
Am I advocating leaving welts, bruises, etc from corporal punishment? HELLS NO! But those of us born in the era pre-cable tv(LOL) would have been raised by foster parents, since most of our would have been locked up by today's standards. One of the therapists came out from the PTSD clinic we worked at in Alaska and had a look of disbelief on his face. He came in, closed the door, poured a cup of joe, and said something that will stick with me......."If it weren't for the sins of dysfunctional families, we couldn't maintain an all-volunteer military." In NO way am I saying he is correct, or that his opinion applies to everyone, but I had seriously damaged people of all ranks and ages come in wondering why they feel broken.
Leaders, get to know your subordinates. Look out for your leaders as well. There is help out there. Mental health care outside of the service can be EXTREMELY expensive. Leaders, go to the mental health offces and ask to get a briefing of their services. During safety stand downs, coordinate with mental health and have your key leaders attend a brief. It will pay off. Many of your "headaches" can be fixed by sending them for a quick intake assessment.
If you don't seek help, you are stating that you CHOOSE to live in the situation you currently find yourself in. Look out for each other. These are the people who watch your back. V/R, Uncle Mark.
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CW2 Joseph Evans
This is very frustrating. I can see your entire post on my mobile, but it cuts off just before the good part about "If it weren't for the sins of dysfunctional families, we couldn't maintain an all-volunteer military".
In one sense your friend has a somewhat half-empty appraisal of the US military, while you see it as closer to half-full. There is a very real truth in both of those assessments though, and you are very right about counseling anytime you have a Soldier or leader who has trouble with their work-life balance or excessively aggressive/passive behavior patterns. Identifying these issues early helps build the resiliency of the force.
In one sense your friend has a somewhat half-empty appraisal of the US military, while you see it as closer to half-full. There is a very real truth in both of those assessments though, and you are very right about counseling anytime you have a Soldier or leader who has trouble with their work-life balance or excessively aggressive/passive behavior patterns. Identifying these issues early helps build the resiliency of the force.
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CW2 Joseph Evans
And thank you for the kudos, it is getting harder and harder to find quality discussion material that hasn't been used.
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Where to start..
My parents divorced when I was three years old and I lived with my father until I was 11 and then moved to my mother's home and lived with her until I joined the Army. They were two very different people. My Mom was into partying, drugs, and biker gang parties and my Dad was a man that was always very serious about money and worked hard to earn it and save it.
Both of my parents were abusive so I naturally had an abusive trait within me and the older I got, the more angry and abusive I became. I also struggled with drugs as a teenager and in my 20's after I got out of the Army at 24. Both of these issues I had to address and after I beat my addictions and addictive nature, I still struggled with anger. I ended up going to jail for an battery charge and just recently graduated a Veteran's Court program because of that. It was a year long program full of groups and classes at the VA and I still go to classes and doubt I will stop because it is what keeps me grounded.
It has been hard not trying to act out the negative traits acquired through my parents but it is not impossible. I am not into dedicating my life to making money as my father was because now that's all he really has, none of his children really come to visit him and because I take care of my Mom now he wants nothing to do with me. My father did instill hard working ethics in me and I am forever grateful for that and my Mom used drugs to hide depression she struggles with but she has one of the biggest hearts and I do as well.
Even though my Parents and myself have messed up in life, does not mean that I do not love them still for who they are and does not mean I am not worth being loved either. I have a Daughter that is going to turn 2 y.o. in August and it is because of her that I never give up trying to better myself. I tried for my parents and that never worked, I tried for myself but I was willing to die in combat so I never had much self worth; however, when my Daughter was born - it changed everything.
Sorry to rant but thanks for allowing me to share.
My parents divorced when I was three years old and I lived with my father until I was 11 and then moved to my mother's home and lived with her until I joined the Army. They were two very different people. My Mom was into partying, drugs, and biker gang parties and my Dad was a man that was always very serious about money and worked hard to earn it and save it.
Both of my parents were abusive so I naturally had an abusive trait within me and the older I got, the more angry and abusive I became. I also struggled with drugs as a teenager and in my 20's after I got out of the Army at 24. Both of these issues I had to address and after I beat my addictions and addictive nature, I still struggled with anger. I ended up going to jail for an battery charge and just recently graduated a Veteran's Court program because of that. It was a year long program full of groups and classes at the VA and I still go to classes and doubt I will stop because it is what keeps me grounded.
It has been hard not trying to act out the negative traits acquired through my parents but it is not impossible. I am not into dedicating my life to making money as my father was because now that's all he really has, none of his children really come to visit him and because I take care of my Mom now he wants nothing to do with me. My father did instill hard working ethics in me and I am forever grateful for that and my Mom used drugs to hide depression she struggles with but she has one of the biggest hearts and I do as well.
Even though my Parents and myself have messed up in life, does not mean that I do not love them still for who they are and does not mean I am not worth being loved either. I have a Daughter that is going to turn 2 y.o. in August and it is because of her that I never give up trying to better myself. I tried for my parents and that never worked, I tried for myself but I was willing to die in combat so I never had much self worth; however, when my Daughter was born - it changed everything.
Sorry to rant but thanks for allowing me to share.
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PFC Nathaniel Thedford
Thank you Sir. No it's not easy to open up but after going to groups for a year and talking to other Veterans I learned opening up and talking about my problems was the only way to overcome them. I just started being active on RallyPoint and what I like the most about it is that I can talk to SM's and V's and it feels like I am with my Company or Battalion again. I sort of forget about the civilian life around me and can escape here to talk to my fellow Brothers and Sisters.
This was a really good Discussion Thread and thank you for creating it.
This was a really good Discussion Thread and thank you for creating it.
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CW2 Joseph Evans
We all grow through sharing our lessons learned. Intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Sometimes we get so caught up in one aspect of the path that we neglect other important aspects of it. I'm glad that you and others like you are able to bring that sharing of not just the good, but the bad as well so that we can all gain from it.
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1LT David Moeglein
PFC Nathaniel Thedford, thank you for sharing your vulnerable side. I don't see your description of things as ranting at all, although if you attend a lot of groups, you may get tired of hearing your story. Rest assured, we aren't. I am reading a book now that you might try to get a copy of. It is written by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and it is entitled, Bad Childhood, Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood. She has a way of getting to the point, and doesn't pull any punches.
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PFC Nathaniel Thedford
Thank you David Moeglein for the book reference, that sounds like a book I really need to check out and I wonder that question all the time. You're welcome as well, I need to be vulnerable and talk about this. I actually do go to groups weekly and they have encouraged me to share my story. I appreciate you taking the time to read my response and to share your time with me and I am going to get that book and read it. Thanks again.
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I pray that my children try to emulate me. I am self-aware, so spotting them making my mistakes makes it that much easier to guide them through it.
Very few things make me prouder as a father than when my kids do something like I do.
Very few things make me prouder as a father than when my kids do something like I do.
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1LT David Moeglein
1SG Jerry Healy, Good for you. I'm thinking that your setting a good example is what got your children to emulate you. Kids these days are in dire need of strong fathers, and need them much more than they need a friend.
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1SG (Join to see)
1LT David Moeglein, when their mother left I was worried that I wouldn't be up to the challenge, but as time passes I find that either I had something I didn't know was there or my kids are tougher than I thought. Either way, they are the joy of my life.
No way am I going to be a bad example for them. They will someday grow up and make their own choices. My job is to make sure I teach them the skills to make the best choices in who they date and marry, career, and life in general.
My thanks will be in seeing them succeed.
No way am I going to be a bad example for them. They will someday grow up and make their own choices. My job is to make sure I teach them the skills to make the best choices in who they date and marry, career, and life in general.
My thanks will be in seeing them succeed.
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