Posted on Sep 11, 2019
How would you recommend that I improve my Personal Statement for my Navy 1420.1b OCS application?
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I have a personal statement, for the 1420.1b OCS application, if anyone could help me with making this better. I'm going for SWO-Nuclear.
This is the criteria:
"For all applicants, including Nurse Corps, use the space provided to describe the following in detail (Limit your statement for each section below
to between 200 and 250 words).:
- Reason applying for a commission
- Personal and professional goals
- Strengths/personal characteristics you possess which will contribute to success in the program(s) to which you are applying.
Address any other relevant information or substantial accomplishments not already covered."
This is my statement:
"I am ET3 Allen Chandler. When the Founding Fathers of the United States of America created the Constitution, they wrote it to protect the fundamental rights of US citizens. Their altruism has given power to the people of this great nation. Being a Navy Commissioned Officer will allow me to be an extension of that altruism, to protect what the Constitution stands for and to advise the personnel under my command.
To further my beliefs, my goal is to continue my education in science and technology and manage the systems and personnel in those fields. I plan to obtain a graduate degree in Electrical Engineering to diversify and complement my current bachelor’s degree.
I joined the navy with an undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering from New Jersey Institute of Technology. During my time studying, the physics of electricity was my most challenging subject. My principles led me to challenge myself and overcome that subject, which is the reason why I chose the rate Electronics Technician. This convention of mine has proved to be a valuable asset during my current time in the Navy as I continue to improve my knowledge and management skills.
I have read, studied and practiced many personnel management techniques from books like, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people,” written by Andrew Carnegie and Stephen R. Covey, respectively. The books have provided important tools to help me be amongst the great commissioned leaders of the US Navy."
This is the criteria:
"For all applicants, including Nurse Corps, use the space provided to describe the following in detail (Limit your statement for each section below
to between 200 and 250 words).:
- Reason applying for a commission
- Personal and professional goals
- Strengths/personal characteristics you possess which will contribute to success in the program(s) to which you are applying.
Address any other relevant information or substantial accomplishments not already covered."
This is my statement:
"I am ET3 Allen Chandler. When the Founding Fathers of the United States of America created the Constitution, they wrote it to protect the fundamental rights of US citizens. Their altruism has given power to the people of this great nation. Being a Navy Commissioned Officer will allow me to be an extension of that altruism, to protect what the Constitution stands for and to advise the personnel under my command.
To further my beliefs, my goal is to continue my education in science and technology and manage the systems and personnel in those fields. I plan to obtain a graduate degree in Electrical Engineering to diversify and complement my current bachelor’s degree.
I joined the navy with an undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering from New Jersey Institute of Technology. During my time studying, the physics of electricity was my most challenging subject. My principles led me to challenge myself and overcome that subject, which is the reason why I chose the rate Electronics Technician. This convention of mine has proved to be a valuable asset during my current time in the Navy as I continue to improve my knowledge and management skills.
I have read, studied and practiced many personnel management techniques from books like, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people,” written by Andrew Carnegie and Stephen R. Covey, respectively. The books have provided important tools to help me be amongst the great commissioned leaders of the US Navy."
Officer
Enlisted-to-Officer
Help
Officer Candidate School (OCS) (Navy)
Posted 5 y ago
Responses: 5
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You only have 250 words. First, I would get 4 highlighters (one for each of the areas you are to address) and starting with the first sentence highlight which of the four areas it answers. Don't highlight anything that is reflected somewhere else in your packet. If it is not highlighted, delete the sentence. For instance, I am ET3 Chandler. You name is found elsewhere in the packet, delete the sentence. Once you have focused the paper to answering the requirement, start looking at ways to say things more efficiently using active voice. Once you have completed those two tasks use the new found space to plus up your accomplishments (be specific).
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MSG Gary Eckert
The reason the advice is general is because your personal statement lacks specific accomplishments. Take the last paragraph. If I am reviewing a resume with that paragraph, I probably don't hold it against the person. However, if you omit that paragraph and say something like... Using Covey's principals as a guide, I reduced the average processing time for electronic work orders on the USS Dreamboat from three hours to one hour. Now you have something in your statement, I can give you credit for when I compare you to other applicants.
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Read each sentence out loud one at a time. If anyone could have the same sentence in their package, try to word it so it only can apply to you! At the end, the more sentences that only apply to you, the better! Also, it reads more like this is what you THINK people what you want to hear, rather than your honest thoughts and desires. Finally, you spend a lot of time in the last paragraph listing books and authors, when you could save words by leaving them out. Instead, you could simply talk about improving your leadership and management skills.
Also, seek out the officers in your command for their guidance. The nuclear LDO community in particular is thriving, and there are lots of officers who would love to help you along the way!
Good luck!
Also, seek out the officers in your command for their guidance. The nuclear LDO community in particular is thriving, and there are lots of officers who would love to help you along the way!
Good luck!
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I would make the statements more robust. As an example don't say I plan on, say I will. You need to mention leadership in paragraph 1 and or the mission of the navy to protect the country.
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