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THE SNAKE MODEL, The Differential Theory of U.S. Armed Forces Upon Encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
AIRBORNE: Lands on and kills the snake.
ARMOR: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
ARMY AVIATION: Has GPS grid of snake. Couldn't find snake. Flies back to base for crew rest and a manicure.
RANGER: Plays with snake and then eats it.
FIELD ARTILLERY: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with massive barrage with three FA brigades in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded the Silver Star.
COMBAT ENGINEERS: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake-using counter-mobility assets. Complains the maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations.
NAVY S.E.A.L.: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. (SEAL blames bad intel for mission failure.)
AIR FORCE FIGHTER PILOT: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.
COMBAT CONTROLLER: Guides snake elsewhere.
PARA-RESCUE: Wounds snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
MARINE RECON: Follows snake and gets lost.
SPECIAL FORCES: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, and then trains it to kill other snakes.
ARMY MILITARY INTELLIGENCE: Locates snake without snake knowing. Studies snake and its movements. Reports back to company commander on snake's location and movement. Snake discovers its location has been compromised and disappears. (MI blames poor OPSEC for snake's disappearance and conducts SAEDA training for next six months).
JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL CORPS: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture.
CHEMICAL CORPS: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, "UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.
ARMY QUARTERMASTER: Captures snake, applies a National Stock Number(NSN) to it (that's got to hurt!). Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.
NSA: If we admit to you there is a snake, we'll have to kill you.
AIRBORNE: Lands on and kills the snake.
ARMOR: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
ARMY AVIATION: Has GPS grid of snake. Couldn't find snake. Flies back to base for crew rest and a manicure.
RANGER: Plays with snake and then eats it.
FIELD ARTILLERY: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with massive barrage with three FA brigades in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded the Silver Star.
COMBAT ENGINEERS: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake-using counter-mobility assets. Complains the maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations.
NAVY S.E.A.L.: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. (SEAL blames bad intel for mission failure.)
AIR FORCE FIGHTER PILOT: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.
COMBAT CONTROLLER: Guides snake elsewhere.
PARA-RESCUE: Wounds snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
MARINE RECON: Follows snake and gets lost.
SPECIAL FORCES: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, and then trains it to kill other snakes.
ARMY MILITARY INTELLIGENCE: Locates snake without snake knowing. Studies snake and its movements. Reports back to company commander on snake's location and movement. Snake discovers its location has been compromised and disappears. (MI blames poor OPSEC for snake's disappearance and conducts SAEDA training for next six months).
JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL CORPS: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture.
CHEMICAL CORPS: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, "UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.
ARMY QUARTERMASTER: Captures snake, applies a National Stock Number(NSN) to it (that's got to hurt!). Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.
NSA: If we admit to you there is a snake, we'll have to kill you.
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FIELD COOK: Sets a trap for the snake. Kills, guts, and skins the snake. Seasons and cooks the snake. Feeds it to everybody else as chow. Sorry 1SG Vetter, could not resist.
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The funniest ones always have at least a bit of truth to them.. or in this case, more than just a bit! Thanks for sharing!
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Really cool and well thought out. Certainly enjoyed laughing throughout all of the disciplines. All seem to be right on target but one. I was Army Air and I never remember getting a manicure, close though when a few rounds passed by my finger nails. Great post!
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