Military marriages: Is it possible to save my marriage?

*UPDATED
As many of you know I returned from Africa (deployment number four) to my beloved wife of over fifteen years and three young children this past September. It was apparent that something was not right immediately. She was irritable, reacted strongly to any perceived slight, and gave me the cold shoulder. She lived in her cell phone, playing an online game she is very active in chatting in for over six hours a day. I gave her space at first, but we had been planning a trip together to Spain in order to reconnect and recharge. When I asked her about her arrangements to cover her job, she told me she didn't want to go anymore. She had REALLY wanted to go just two months earlier. When pressed, she told me she was unhappy for years and wasn't sure she wanted to be together anymore.

Thinking it was a funk, I tried to help her unwind. I delayed returning to work so I could help around the house more. I facilitated her sleeping in. Every step I took, she let go of more. Now she does next to nothing to help with the kids or the house's upkeep. She is now neglectful enough towards the kids that I no longer trust her alone for any length of time. I have had to do it all, and since I have not been the primary caregiver this is stressful for all. I am willing, just not as good at it as she was.

In October, I discovered that she had not paid a bill since July when I got a notice delivered to the door. I then found over a month's worth of mail in the box. Sorting through it, I discovered over $13,000 in credit card debt I did not know about. We have nothing to show for this expenditure, and I have no idea where it went. Today I discovered she had another card with another $14k on it that she had been concealing by hiding the statements in the mail and setting up an auto-pay for the minimum. The first amount ate most of what I had saved from being deployed, the new amount is more than we can afford.

She will not talk to me, and issues threats if I persist or try to reason with her. She has resisted the idea of counseling, and appears to have had her mind made up already to leave, until she realized she can't make it on her own and her parents are not willing to take her plus three kids in. Now we are circling the drain.

I am still in love with her, and frankly do not see a way to make it work financially or for the good of the kids if we split. 50/50 custody has been floated, but that means both of us need lodgings suitable for three mixed-gender kids - three bedrooms at minimum. She wants space.
I have ruled out an affair, I think. My trust is crippled due to the lying and concealment of the finances. I should have been more alert to the problem, but she lied to me. I want to work this out, because the alternatives are all terrible. I have told her that I am unwilling to give up on us, and if she wants a divorce, she will have to do it and own the decision. The only thing we have been able to fully agree on is that the children will not be employed as a weapon. So far, that truce has held.
What makes this even more difficult is that this was a complete surprise. She has told me there is nothing I can do to change her mind. I am heartbroken.

My current plan is to enlist support from her circle of friends and close relatives, banking that most (I know not all) will see what is the best outcome and encourage her to come to her senses and work on things. I have been successful with her mother and our closest mutual friend so far, and will continue to make the rounds over the holidays. She might not listen to me, but the group might just be enough, I hope.

My courses of action in the event she pulls the pin are:
1. (What everyone says): share custody and try to get along for the sake of the children.
Truly, I do not think this will work. I do not think I have the strength to take the high road. As much as I love her, it will go the other way if she unilaterally destroys our life together. I will not be able to forgive this, not ever. I think this will go bad and will turn into full custody to her, with me being a convenient on-call babysitter. This is no way to live. I had that when my parents broke up when I was a little younger than my oldest daughter.
2. Go as far away as possible, cut most ties to my current life, and try to start over. I know what this will mean for my children and my relationship with them, but I think this has the highest chance of preserving my sanity. I would rather live with regret than slowly die from the inside.
3. Self-destructive behavior. I am a responsible, level-headed man, but this situation has me seriously considering bad options. Read into that if you want. I am in big trouble, and have taken steps to prevent an impulsive decision, but I am afraid for my own sanity.
For those who might be concerned, I will not ever raise a hand against those I love, but she blames this all on me, and I know that the points she makes are valid, so I blame myself too - even if I know better

I am willing to listen to any advice anyone has. Please be constructive.
I realize that I am really exposing myself here, but I could use anything the community has. Many of you may have been through something similar. I value any and all input.

UPDATE-
So, this whole business has taken quite a few turns since December.
I have since then discovered that all of this is not my fault. She has some serious issues.
I found out that the financial situation was even worse than I had surmised. I am on a path to remedy that, but it cost me over $100k.
She has in fact decided to leave.
As it stands, we are attempting to make a deal that would account for both our needs, and trying (with occasional success) to keep the hurt feelings out of it. As it stands, I will be a single father most of the time. That is a challenge that I relish, but did not account for. I am not afraid to say that I am scared.
So long as we can stay level-headed, I think that this will turn out OK.
Except for the fact I am losing the love of my life, of course.

Some advice:
If your wife says things like "it seems like you don't listen to me" or "we don't seem to talk anymore", STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LISTEN. She is telling you things without telling you things, and resents you for not reading her cues.
If there is distance between you, close it. Don't give her "space". Be available. Listen a lot. If she wants to be alone, don't chase her, but set up a time/date to reengage. Space equals distance. Distance equals growing apart. Growing apart equals divorce. Don't let it happen. It sucks. A lot.
If she is lying to you, there is a reason why... and it may well have nothing to do with the subject matter. Don't get angry at the lie, get after the reason why the lie happened. I would wager on avoidance.

I am heartbroken, but I will be OK. It will just take a very long time to come to grips with how I failed at the most important job I ever had. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.