Don’t use troops on protesting US citizens—Use drones

You should not use active duty military against United States citizens. You should use drones to murder them, like I did when I was serving as your Forty-[coughth] anonymous President.

O, the times we had, my remora-like aides who first helped me get elected by stealing and leaking sealed divorce proceedings of my opponent in Chicago and I, joking and rollicking as I paged through the binders of my “kill list,” and we selected the American citizens to murder without judicial approval that day. It makes me laughter. <Humor subroutine /off.>