Posted on Dec 16, 2019
This Is What It's Like To Survive Domestic Violence In The Military
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Posted in these groups: 
Spouse
Domestic Violence
Spouse Domestic Violence
Posted 5 y ago
Responses: 3
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All I can say is that if you know one case, you know one case. I've had a couple as a commander and I made sure to take care of the victims regardless of whether that victim was the dependent or the military member.
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SPC Linda Chandler
I do that now at the hospital I work at, it’s hard to see sometimes but i want to be there for the ones who have just had enough.
I know that In order to be a good advocate you’ve had to survive yourself
I know that In order to be a good advocate you’ve had to survive yourself
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This is true - yes. I have heard plenty of this in my 15 years. It 100% happens and I know that some leadership will try to bury it if they like the soldier.
However - let's also address in another story male victims and survivors. I bet there are AD members who are male who are being abused and no one ever knows about it. It's happening in the civilian world - and there's one shelter in the entire US for male victims. One.
The entire topic of DV needs addressed. AND the Army needs better resources. I know the FAP advocates at Fort Riley around 2014 sucked. My ex husband beat me up. He's not in the military I am - but the last time he did it he could have killed me while our then 4 month old was in the other room. Strangled me. I got away, called police. He went to jail. He got probation. For felony aggravated assault - and I stupidly stayed because I blamed it on the meth. And honestly that was the only time it happened but no excuse. So I went to FAP after I told my 1SG and then the CO he had me go. The first advocate was ok. I guess. There was a temporary protection order but then I didn't get the final one because he was in jail and I knew I was going to give him another chance. Then I had to go when they were evaluating my case and talked to a female advocate. She asked me if I went to the hospital - I said no. I felt fine. She ripped me a new one because "there are women who have died a few days after being strangled" beacuse it pinches the nerve. I said well I didn't know that and obviously I'm fine.
Then when I was clearing to PCS to my compassionate - I had to clear them to clear BH. A different DV advocate talks to me and I told her I was giving him another chance. Oh she ripped me a new one too and just made me feel like shit and that is NOT their job. I know I was a SARC and I would have never, ever made a victim feel like it was their fault.
I went to the AFB I was at - and I was leery to talk to the DV advocate there. Then I did divorce him six months later - and went to talk to her and I told her about the last advocates. She said my job is not here to judge. I am here to help you. It did help.
But I don't know if all Army FAP advocates are like that or not and just having one bad experience turns people off from seeking help later.
However - let's also address in another story male victims and survivors. I bet there are AD members who are male who are being abused and no one ever knows about it. It's happening in the civilian world - and there's one shelter in the entire US for male victims. One.
The entire topic of DV needs addressed. AND the Army needs better resources. I know the FAP advocates at Fort Riley around 2014 sucked. My ex husband beat me up. He's not in the military I am - but the last time he did it he could have killed me while our then 4 month old was in the other room. Strangled me. I got away, called police. He went to jail. He got probation. For felony aggravated assault - and I stupidly stayed because I blamed it on the meth. And honestly that was the only time it happened but no excuse. So I went to FAP after I told my 1SG and then the CO he had me go. The first advocate was ok. I guess. There was a temporary protection order but then I didn't get the final one because he was in jail and I knew I was going to give him another chance. Then I had to go when they were evaluating my case and talked to a female advocate. She asked me if I went to the hospital - I said no. I felt fine. She ripped me a new one because "there are women who have died a few days after being strangled" beacuse it pinches the nerve. I said well I didn't know that and obviously I'm fine.
Then when I was clearing to PCS to my compassionate - I had to clear them to clear BH. A different DV advocate talks to me and I told her I was giving him another chance. Oh she ripped me a new one too and just made me feel like shit and that is NOT their job. I know I was a SARC and I would have never, ever made a victim feel like it was their fault.
I went to the AFB I was at - and I was leery to talk to the DV advocate there. Then I did divorce him six months later - and went to talk to her and I told her about the last advocates. She said my job is not here to judge. I am here to help you. It did help.
But I don't know if all Army FAP advocates are like that or not and just having one bad experience turns people off from seeking help later.
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SFC Kelly Fuerhoff
PV2 Larry Sellnow - It gets really irritating when anytime the topic of dv against women is brought up, there's always SOMEONE who has to try to "whatabout" it with male victims.
Make your own topic about it. Yes - we all know men can be and are abused - whether by women or men partners. We know boys can be and are abused by family.
Do you speak about this topic on your own social media? Do you bring awareness to it anywhere? If not, please don't try overshadowing this topic - and this post is like 3 years old too. IF You are truly that passionate about it, start a new post.
All victims should be believed unless proven otherwise. No one denies that. I just see a common trend of anything to do with women victims there's someone who says 'whatabout..." but they never bring awareness to it outside of the discussion of women victims.
And yes - I do bring awareness to men victims on my social media and would bring it up when I was a VA and a SARC when I did SHARP training. I had a case with a victim who is a man and the perpetrator was another man.
Make your own topic about it. Yes - we all know men can be and are abused - whether by women or men partners. We know boys can be and are abused by family.
Do you speak about this topic on your own social media? Do you bring awareness to it anywhere? If not, please don't try overshadowing this topic - and this post is like 3 years old too. IF You are truly that passionate about it, start a new post.
All victims should be believed unless proven otherwise. No one denies that. I just see a common trend of anything to do with women victims there's someone who says 'whatabout..." but they never bring awareness to it outside of the discussion of women victims.
And yes - I do bring awareness to men victims on my social media and would bring it up when I was a VA and a SARC when I did SHARP training. I had a case with a victim who is a man and the perpetrator was another man.
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I will caveat by saying I am quite ignorant about the process, but abused military spouses can qualify for financial help to escape the yoke of abuse and violence.
I dug this up from the internet:
How much can a spouse or dependent child receive in compensation?
Lt. Col. Caggins: The compensation amount is based on the Dependency and Indemnity Compensation, which changes annually. The rate of payment varies but is designed to cover living expenses such as food, clothing and housing. In addition to monetary payments, benefits may also include commissary and exchange privileges, and medical and dental services. Transitional compensation benefits are available for no less than 12 months and no more than 36 months.
I dug this up from the internet:
How much can a spouse or dependent child receive in compensation?
Lt. Col. Caggins: The compensation amount is based on the Dependency and Indemnity Compensation, which changes annually. The rate of payment varies but is designed to cover living expenses such as food, clothing and housing. In addition to monetary payments, benefits may also include commissary and exchange privileges, and medical and dental services. Transitional compensation benefits are available for no less than 12 months and no more than 36 months.
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SFC Kelly Fuerhoff
That's if the Army follows the process - and they don't always. They try to cover it up sometimes. There are shitty leaders out there who want to protect shitty abusive soldiers. Who try to get the victim to drop it or not come forward.
The system is broken in the civilian AND military world. Facts.
Also the most dangerous time for a victim is when he or she is LEAVING the abuse. THAT is when most often you see the stories of someone being shot or murdered. When they are leaving.
The system is broken in the civilian AND military world. Facts.
Also the most dangerous time for a victim is when he or she is LEAVING the abuse. THAT is when most often you see the stories of someone being shot or murdered. When they are leaving.
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