How Have You Struggled?

Start with benefits. Education so a veteran can be competitive and successful professionally. Help them build their confidence up by granting the compensation and pension benefits they deserve. Is it cheap? No. But then the life of a veteran should not be seen as cheap when we talk such a serious matter as suicide. Place them in government jobs before hiring other people that have never served. Give them leadership positions so they can continue serving. Treat them as the heroes that they are. Make it easier for them to engage with others by creating community integration and and veterans networking. Make a social media platform for veterans so they can relate and find old friends.

Talked to a fellow veteran who has gone through what I was going through. Slowed down my drinking to about once a week and only one whisky, neat. Exercise each morning, boot camp style. Eat well, cut most cholesterol-heavy and sugar heavy items. Took up yoga and Taichí for mental health....became a Stoic (I can't control those things not in my control, but I can control my thoughts and actions.....and yes, I had researched when, where and how to do it but realized that living is worth the struggle....(married man to same woman for over 25 years, two kids ages 24 and 21).....anxiety and depression, followed by silent strokes (caused by high cholesterol ) that really pushed me into those dark corners (my vision became very blurry with constant daily migranes and dizzy spells that stopped after 2 months of simple medication: 81mg Aspirin and a cholesterol-lowering pill......it's been 2 months since the stroke and I'm getting better each day (less headaches, clearer vision)....may you find the path to peace within yourself.....never give up.

I’ve written a stack of journals on these very issues. My mental health journey has been arduous. And complicated. And agonizing. And interwoven with FREEDOM. BREATH. LIGHT.
And some days, it’s about keeping things very simple:
#1 Don’t drink
#2 Take medicine
#3 Ask for help if I need it

The beginning themes of my journey were: deny, hide, hold my breath, be very quiet. Maybe one day things will be better. Then came anger, self destruction, isolation.

When I chose to try sobriety (only after being pressured by, well, everyone), everything about my life changed. My first AA meeting, they were celebrating a person’s 1yr sobriety. I was COMPLETELY BAFFLED. “Why would a person go a whole year without drinking?” I asked myself as I sat there shaking and unraveling. I really didn’t see the purpose or point or possibility. I remember an old guy next to me patting my hand and saying “just come back”. I did. Thank God. By grace it’s been 34 yrs.

Okay, so now comes the complete destruction of the myriad of untruths, lies, illogical internal rules my brain had developed to cope. Memories of abuse, mother and father. Horrible dark brain pathway altering life events that I had no possible way of processing. Yet, I had survived. Now what?

Talk therapy, lots and lots and lots of incredibly awful talking and regurgitation. And untying that mess in my head. At a certain point I noticed some space for hope. For self care. Noticed that the awful talking was being heard and respected by my fellow humans. That the important thing was I had survived a life of childhood abuse and neglect, as well as horrible adult self destructive behavior, disgusting hurtful things done to me and by me. But I did it. I did the work. I kept showing up. Even when I cried the whole way to my appointments and the whole way home.

I actually started to thrive a little.

Then I reached a point where my brain seemed unable to go further. Beyond what I could choose. Or demand from myself. I was devastated. I went there. To the deep dark hopeless, what’s the point place. I was hospitalized 9 times in 11 months. Diagnosed with bipolar, depression, anxiety. Meds, meds, meds. A VA Dr told me it was time to “stop pulling myself up by my bootstraps” and let someone else pick up the task of figuring out how I was going to live. What? Trust someone else? Are you kidding? But it was either let go or spend my time hopelessly wanting to leave the world.

Deeper healing began. My journey since has been crazy simple and crazy hard. I’ve been introduced to therapeutic massage, aromatherapy, yoga, vitamins, gluten-free eating, physical therapy, chiropractic adjustments, meditation, journaling, affirmations, self help workbooks on everything, church, crystal bowl playing, art therapy, equine therapy, and a bunch of modalities I’m forgetting here. I have taken pieces from all of them into my own personal way of surviving and thriving.

Many calls and texts and chats to the VA Crisis Line have been my life raft in the middle of the night. When I found out I didn’t have to be completely suicidal to get help there… well, for me, it’s a great place to get compassionate, informed, reliable care. As well as resources to expand my “recovery toolbox”

I’ve reconnected with a willing-to-deal-in-truth mother. Therapy together. Yuck. And Yay! Reunited with my younger brother who is my best and most loyal advocate.

These days and weeks I choose to remain in talk therapy. The point when I realized I had NO SECRETS was maybe the best day of my life. I had actually expressed it all to another human and received acknowledgment. I don’t want to ever hold my breath in agony or fear again. And I have a safe place to live FINALLY. I filed and receive SSDI, as well as PTSD-MST disability compensation. So I am no longer financially destitute and dependent. Oh what a feeling that is.

I also have made my mental, emotional, spiritual health #1. Which is surprisingly difficult. But oh so rewarding. If I’m upset, I make myself write, or talk, or cry in some safe person’s office or arms. Every time I do that I feel better. Five minutes of surrender to my pain leaves me 23 hrs and 55 min of relative peace to my day.

And the opportunities to contribute to society? How did that happen? People get helped by me sharing? Good grief. How awesome that something good can come from such agony and hard work.

I’ll end by saying… I’m glad to be alive. I still find life very unpredictable and uncomfortable a LOT. But now I know that is not my fault. Not my responsibility. Just how it is. Life is messy. But I don’t have to ever give up on myself. Or the kindness of others who care, even if they don’t know how to. I focus on my 3 basics I listed at the beginning of this. Accomplishing those means everything. The rest is as they say, gravy. Don’t give up. Ever. Fight. Restore. Breathe.

All respect and blessings to me, and to you

I am struck by the vulnerability and openness of so many of these responses! I really applaud everyone for speaking up, and normalizing this discussion; it's such an important aspect of this fight!

Everyone's journey and pathway to healing is different; however, there is one common thread: being willing to get help, and being vulnerable. Along with that, not waiting until you're in crisis to seek help. There are some great resource recommendations in the comments of what has worked for some people - try them all out! See what works, share it with your friends, and keep on striving to get better.

For those that are frustrated with the VA, I hear you, and validate your feelings. I will offer that I have connected with so many VAs across the country, that I was shocked at the difference between facilities. I'm lucky enough to use the Durham, NC VA, and it is hands down the best medical care I have ever received; however, I know that they're not all the same. So, your struggle is real, and you need alternatives.

I work for an organization called Stop Soldier Suicide, and over the years we have served nearly 5,000 veterans and service-members, and have not lost an active client to suicide. We're 100% free, 100% confidential, and services are available regardless of discharge status or period served. I've been on the team nearly four years (WAY longer than expected), because what we're doing is working. You can reach us 24/7 at: [login to see] , or at our GetHelp page: https://stopsoldiersuicide.org/get-help.

We won't let you fall through the cracks, and will stay with you as long as needed. Your journey and healing are unique to what you have experienced. I swear that I'm not trying to hock our services; I'm just super proud of the team and the life saving care that we offer.

Please send me a DM if you have any questions, or would like any clarification on the process.

Keep fighting ya'all! You are needed in this world, more than you can ever imagine.

I am 100% on PTSD, was very suicidal. Needed to know how to get better so went to see a biofeedback woman to experiment. She did the baseline stress things like doing math in my head & other stressors. Then she had me tell some traumas. I began telling about cutting off people's burnt skin as they screamed, my hands going, anyone & me included would say "that woman is stressed". The bio woman said "LOOK!". We both saw that all stress levels were dropping as I told my trauma. I have been telling it ever since & each time I get it out it lessens some. So I am here to say TELL IT, or write it but GET IT OUT!

I don't know that I've ever put these thoughts into works, so bear with me. I'm sure that this has been said, but my largest struggle was a loss of purpose and identity after separating. In the military, our identity and purpose are present in the creeds we memorize. We repeat those creeds hundreds, if not thousands of times. A crystal clear identity and purpose are forged into us for years.

And then.....poof.

I separated from the military and had no idea who I was, and I had no idea what my purpose was. I was completely lost, and that's when the darkness would settle in. I knew the spiral was coming when I would ask myself "What am I doing this for?". There didn't seem like there was a point to any of it. I know when those words start playing in my head, I better hold on.

The biggest breakthrough for me, has been completely reframing my mindset. I was listening to some rap/rock song about veterans (I can't remember the name of the song) and a line hit me like a ton of bricks. The lyric said to be excited that you get to create a new identity and purpose. For the first time, I was excited to create a new purpose, and not crushed by the fact that I lost my old one.

I don't think any of this is earth shattering, but maybe someone will see it. Someone who is in the same place I was a few years ago, and needs a little nudge out of the darkness. Thanks.

Respond to original question... (The original question that took me to this site was: "How can we reduce veteran suicide?") As a vet from the Vietnam era, and as an observer of my father's WWII buddies at their reunions during the 1990s, it is my observation that those who best handled the stress of combat were those who did not drink any alcohol before, during, and after combat. The most natural antidote for PTSD is not to drown this stress in drink, but to let the mind itself work through the healing process through SLEEP! Alcohol interferes with the natural progression of stages of sleep which can lead to nightmares. This becomes a vicious cycle when the veteran shuns sleep for fear of those nightmares and drinks more heavily. So a reduction in PTSD cases could be realized if the branches of our military forbade any use of alcohol during and after combat - but good luck in trying to enforce that! However some instruction along these lines might do some good during training - just like they warned us about other health issues such as STD's.

I don't do it because every day I wake up knowing the government gave up before I did. When I retired the US government drug me throughout hell and back, I was being paid about 10% of what they said I would for being medically retired. I couldn't work, I couldn't stand the sight of my kids faces because it instantly brought me back. Then I got leukemia. by this time in the game I had already fixed my pay and was dealing with SSDI. I leave my house maybe 3 days a month to get treatment and do daily chemo at my house 7pm, every night, forever. yet ssdi wants me to go back to work. I don't kill myself because the government would just fuck someone else and this isn't right what they are doing to veterans. I accept the flash backs during the day and the night mares when i sleep, I can deal with the brothers who never came home with me even tho i wish I could have done more. I don't think I have a hard life at this point, I have been to places on this earth that have showed me real struggles. What I can't deal with is the VA saying they want to help with PTSD and then close down long term groups that work.

I had been struggling with the loss of my other half plus being unemployed for quite some time. Being alone with no one to talk with while living alone. I had planned on hanging myself, but until that evening while heavily drinking & popping a few pills. Thinking of my life with no one. I called the VA hotline , a woman answered. We talked for awhile , she was very empathetic & knew what was going on. Before we hung up, she offered to have a welfare check up the very next day. After this ordeal , I’m not saying I’m cured. But the thought of suicide has left my head. The well fare crew came by , we chatted. I was admitted into the hospital for 24 hrs. Just for a well fare check. While in the hospital, had a lot of time to think what I had done. I knew right after that the well fare crew that came by that I was fine. What got me into the hospital was the well fare crew & a few others. They asked me to go for their well being, that’s the only reason why I went. Cause I was asked to. Unfortunately while in the hospital, no help was given, so I spent a day thinking to myself what if ?

I just got a bill in the my for a medical companion because I don’t have friends or family that can help me when I’m in need. The bill was paid but it was for $724.00. I struggle financially to pay bills and keep a roof over my head. I wonder why the VA would pay that much just to drive me in someone’s car 18 miles away for that much money but when I tell them about my trauma in the military it means nothing when I go to file claims for increased disability benefits. I know it’s part of the reason I think of suicidal ideation daily. I would be better off not being a burden to society if I were gone. I work every day but it’s never enough and when the legal system gets their grips on you it’s also a reason for depression. The va is a blessing to some but I truly feel it’s my curse