Why is it so hard for my spouse to understand my obligations as a senior leader?

CW4 Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 15:58:54 -0400

Balancing work and home is difficult enough but without support from home its down right stressful. She gives me grief when I have to deploy, go to meetings, attend functions etc. I try to explain and include her but to no avail. Anyone feeling torn?

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Aug 29 at 2015 4:26 PM

CAPT Kevin B. — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 16:26:32 -0400

Danger Will Robinson. Spouses who don't understand (or won't) typically cannot correlate the time and activities to something they see as tangible. That's half a step away from that shit is more important than me syndrome. I'd suggest joint counseling to attempt to close the gap. You didn't get to where you are by being a wimp so there's a lot of credit due. You both should discover the disconnect and and drivers. Good luck.

Response by 1SG Steven Stankovich made Aug 29 at 2015 4:30 PM

1SG Steven Stankovich — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 16:30:50 -0400

I am sorry that has been your experience Chief. I have been blessed with an "Army Brat" as a wife whose Dad was a 1SG. She understands the responsibilities that are inherent with the position. With that being said, there have definitely been times where I do have to explain the "why" and I have no issues with that. Mission accomplishment and then the welfare of your Soldiers and their families. While that is an easy sentence to write, sometimes it is a difficult sentence to explain. I am sure that at the end of the day that you will find creative ways to explain your responsibilities to our Army and our Soldiers.

Response by CSM Michael J. Uhlig made Aug 29 at 2015 6:03 PM

CSM Michael J. Uhlig — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 18:03:34 -0400

Is it time to make a choice here CW4 Private RallyPoint Member? It is different if its a new relationship, there are adjustment pains with most relationships, especially for military spouses - very few occupations challenge the families like military service. If it is an existing relationship, she might be ready for you to come home for good and there is nothing wrong with knowing when it is time so it might be decision time Sir.

Response by PFC Tuan Trang made Aug 29 at 2015 7:03 PM

PFC Tuan Trang — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 19:03:41 -0400

It hard for spouse to understand our work, Most of wife are against us being far from them, not enough time with them or deploy and such.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 29 at 2015 7:33 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 19:33:34 -0400

Have you out grown her?

Response by MSgt Niclas Svensson made Aug 30 at 2015 11:21 AM

MSgt Niclas Svensson — Sun, 30 Aug 2015 11:21:51 -0400

CW4 Private RallyPoint Member That's a tough deal and I certainly feel for you.
My current wife, as much as I tried to prepare her, didn't fully grasp the sacrifices we might one day have to make. She was then spoiled by 5 years of relative stability at that duty station.

Since then, I have done a year in Korea unaccompanied (which was the biggest test of our relationship and nearly broke it). Then I came home and moved her across the country (away from all her family) to my new duty station, only to get hit with a deployment 6 months later.

We have had some rough patches in the last 2 years, but luckily for me, she turned the corner to understanding before things got to the point of no return.

This deployment is still a strain on her and our boys, but she finally "gets it"...she may not like it, but she gets it. Not every spouse will reach that point of understanding. I certainly hope that yours does.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 30 at 2015 5:42 PM

LCDR Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 30 Aug 2015 17:42:43 -0400

Absolutely. This is hard. My wife understands pretty well, which makes me lucky, but there are still severe disconnects at times when it comes to work. I find that the earlier I can possibly tell her of anything the better but when last minute things come up sometimes I just have to suffer her wrath for a little :-/

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 30 at 2015 6:12 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 30 Aug 2015 18:12:12 -0400

This is is quite common, but a very troubling matter when it comes down to either trying to wait out the storm or to make a decision that means walking away from a career or relationship.

In my experience, I had a previous marriage to someone who at first thought she could deal with the possibilities and demands of being obligated to military service. It didn't take long for me to realize that the unrealistic expectations she had were falling short of reality. I tried everything I could think of, letting her know in advance, planning "us" time, trying to integrate my own plans for career progression in to our future plans, and trying to educate her on how things worked. It really just ended up that she never fully understood nor wanted to.

Now in the first few years of my current relationship which is headed toward marriage, I made sure to emphasize my obligations and how I am involved just so it's clear to my fiancé. She has been quite understanding although most of it has been through Reserves. But this year she has had some exposure to me being away a lot longer on active duty, and although we have been able to see each other often, it at least gives some dose of what it will be like.

I believe what ends up being the source of most tension is that the military career ends up competing for attention with the spouse or that all the life ambitions and plans get put on hold while the Soldier is off on duty.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 30 at 2015 7:10 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 30 Aug 2015 19:10:12 -0400

CW4 Private RallyPoint Member That's a tough position to be in and it does leave you feeling very torn between your loyalty to your country/duty/unit and your family. It's not just wives that do this to their spouses nonmilitary husbands do it too.(I say nonmilitary because this is the only experience I had) It's important to be able to live with the decision you make. If you make the choice to give up your career are you able to do that willingly and without reserve? If not then your relationship will likely not survive your anger at having to give up your career to save your marriage. I'm not a counselor, these are just my thoughts.