Why are we more concerned about hurting feelings than we are about developing leaders who actually strive to be the change they want to see?

Capt Helen Ensley — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 11:44:04 -0500

Response by CW4 Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 14 at 2016 11:47 AM

CW4 Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 11:47:57 -0500

To be honest, it is because we have mandatory sensitivity training, we are threatened with UCMJ action if we create a hostile work environment, if a college educated LT sends me an email that reads like ebonics, I can't correct it without fear of racial discrimination... Lawsuits by these "victims" and the reactions of military to those lawsuits have created this hypersensitive environment that prevents leaders from being too hard on SMs.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 14 at 2016 11:56 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 11:56:47 -0500

If it is feelings people are worried about, then they are in the wrong profession. As long as you are going by regulations and doing your best to protect your Soldiers then you are able to accomplish change. If someone in the military is not doing something correctly, no matter their rank, they should be corrected even if their feelings get hurt. They may not appreciate it at first, but generally later on they will thank you for it.

Response by SN Greg Wright made Jan 14 at 2016 12:13 PM

SN Greg Wright — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 12:13:00 -0500

Capt Helen Ensley Simple. The far Left is winning. And everyone from moderate Lefties to the far Right is letting them, for some baffling reason.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jan 14 at 2016 12:23 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 12:23:06 -0500

I don't understand the hurt feelings part.

Response by MSgt James Mullis made Jan 14 at 2016 12:23 PM

MSgt James Mullis — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 12:23:16 -0500

To paraphrase Jack Nicholson, many people "can't handle the truth" or the facts. So when they are confronted with something that conflicts with their personal viewpoints or even worse their sense of justice/injustice, they cry like baby's (curse, yell, or name call), lash out (in some cases violently), or attempt to seek revenge (how dare you dis-respect me..you deserve to be punished, lose your job, be beaten up, etc). This reaction is often so ingrained that people don't think about the consequences of their actions.

This is the result of an education system more concerned with putting "correct answers" on a test paper than providing students with critical thinking skills. So, when faced with a generation of young people trained to accept the word of "expert's" and possessing of a deeply ingrained sense of "justice". The touchy feely/caring leadership model attempts to minimize the commotion while getting the job done with the available resources.

It's just a guess but I would bet that the modern Air Force is far more concerned about hurt feelings than the modern Marine Corp.

Response by 1LT Aaron Barr made Jan 14 at 2016 12:47 PM

1LT Aaron Barr — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 12:47:00 -0500

As goes society, so goes the military. We as a society have become less logical and more emotional ever since the '60s and that sort of stupidity from the civilian end eventually influences the military too.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 14 at 2016 1:05 PM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 13:05:35 -0500

Very good question and one that needs to be asked! We really need to get away from this idea of not offending anyone. Shouldn't it be more important to get the job done? Yes, everyone needs to be treated as a human being but that may not necessarily equate to mutual respect. Although many want to play the victim, not everyone is. But in this feel good world we live in today this is what has evolved. Don't command or tell someone what to do but ask politely if they will. I have always lived by the rule to not have someone do a task that I myself would not do or try. But your sure as hell going to do it if I have been there and accomplished it. And I'm not looking for any complaining, get the job done. Leadership is sometimes not an easy position to be in. You are at times going to piss off folks and step on toes. This country has been successful in the past because the kid gloves where removed and we set out to get the job done. And it is where we need to be today. Little Johnny or lisa doesn't always need mama or a sucker to feel good!

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 14 at 2016 1:20 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 13:20:54 -0500

My leadership philosophy is pretty simple:
Celebrate EXCELLENCE with timely awards and recognition.
Coach "GOOD ENOUGH" to reach excellence next time.
Mentor junior leaders to bring NOT GOOD ENOUGH to standards.
Identify and eliminate FAILING Soldiers that do not respond to feedback through expedient and fair means.

Hurt feelings have no audience in my organization.
Lead, listen, learn, or get the hell out.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jan 14 at 2016 1:28 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 13:28:24 -0500

A good way to teach subordinates is to give them mission and guide them to successful execution. As an OIC I was in charge of rail loading a Amor Brigade for NTC, and Movement Officer for a Armor Company without any help from superiors. I did not like that aspect.

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Jan 14 at 2016 1:38 PM

MSG Brad Sand — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 13:38:28 -0500

Political correctness. Same reason we are doing the other things that are going to be so costly down the road.

Response by Capt Seid Waddell made Jan 14 at 2016 1:57 PM

Capt Seid Waddell — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 13:57:11 -0500

PC toxicity.

Response by Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth made Jan 14 at 2016 2:14 PM

Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 14:14:04 -0500

I really don't care about hurt feelings...the side of this is that we as a nation have raised an hypersensitive entitlement generation...gimmee, gimmee, gimmee/you owe me/I just graduated college so I need the house and cars my parents are driving (doesn't matter that it took them 30 plus years to get it.) When they don't get it or can't meet the standards, they whine about hurt feelings and we end up changing the standards making them suck it up vice making/influencing positive change over time. As a leader, I am not here to worry about your feelings...I am not your friend and I am not your parent...I am your commander and am here to get a mission accomplished...whatever that mission was that was given to me to get done. Do it and do it now.

A little humor here...follow me:
When you make Lt Col or E-7 they cut your tongue out so you can't talk!
When you make Colonel or E-8, they give you a lobotomy so you can't think on your own!
When you make General or E-9, they reattach your tongue so you can speak without thinking.

Jokingly said of course, but my second point is this. My mentors and leaders didn't care about my feelings nor anyone else's and we have evolved over time as a nations defense just fine. We have groomed leaders that performed very well in the tactical ranks, we sent them to school and promoted them. However I believe when some reach a certain point, they become politicians to an extent and don't want to rock the boat for fear of losing the possibility of that second/Third/fourth star or that next senior stripe and they are usually the ones left standing. The ones that do speak up and stand against the congressional mandates for what's right usually get the boot or retire quietly. Don't get me wrong, we have good leaders that care about their Soldiers/Sailors/Airmen/Marines/Coasties but sometimes, from what they have seen their thirty plus years, something's just aren't going to work or at least immediately. Can't fit a Square Peg in a round hole. Especially when you are trying to get them to work by hitting them with the nearest hammer you can find. They might work but over time with slow implementation.

Change is good when it is implemented the right way, and the leaders that I have tried to emulate get it and were very successful. I believe we need to do a better job of giving our young leaders some rope and letting them figure a lot of it out versus shoving it down their throats. That will serve us better down the road.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 14 at 2016 3:08 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 15:08:08 -0500

I don't really follow the premise of the question. Who exactly is afraid of hurting feelings? But more importantly, why would a leader feel the need to hurt someones feelings in order to develop a subordinate? A positive leader can make corrections without being an asshole at the same time. Unfortunately, I came in contact with senior officers who embraced a leadership style to humiliate and publicly embarrass subordinates. But on the other hand, I had the honor of working for some who understood what real leadership is, and could correct and develop without feeling the need to personally attack the subordinate.

IMO all the comments about PC and liberal ideas being the cause is BS. In most cases I would look to the individual's own leadership abilities to determine why you aren't getting the results you desire.

Response by SSG Warren Swan made Jan 14 at 2016 3:08 PM

SSG Warren Swan — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 15:08:13 -0500

The question is rather misleading. You can be an effective leader and mentor those beneath you in a professional and tactful manner that uplifts rather than degrades. That's a proven fact. Will you have those moments where you need to put a foot on the neck to get a result sure, but that should be the exception rather than the norm. Developing leaders who want to make change requires a system that allows them to. In some ways the military isn't "it". It's a structured, regimented, and programmable system that not everyone who thinks they are a leader can handle, those that lead aren't always the best, allows "favorites", and in many cases "punishes" those with good ideas. Hence the Good Idea Fairy always gets beat up, or you meet Carl (I think everyone meets Carl at one point or another). I don't think many are concerned with "feelings" vs. getting the mission accomplished by hook or crook. Developing a leader takes considerable time and investment, and is NOT going to be done in one or three duty assignments (you do get lucky sometimes, and find early potential but it's rare). It's a series of mistakes and accomplishments made over time that makes a leader effective. I remember when I first came in having an Art15 wasn't so much a badge of honor, but a method to "guide" folks in a manner that other means failed. MANY of my best and brightest leaders have had a negative counseling or an Art 15 in their time. If being a leader only required reading and memorizing regs, implementing what they say, and follow up, then I should've made CSM in three years (right as I was making SGT). What we should want to see the future leaders become isn't what we are now. If we model them after us, we're stifling ideas and chances they need to take to move ahead or move out. We should model them off lessons learned now, and acknowledge future requirements, and adjust fire accordingly. Have them learn history, but not be afraid to make it (as long as it's legal). And we need to end sequestration. As I mentioned before, some of the best leaders out there stepped on their cranks HARD, but were able to be counted on to lead, and get the mission accomplished. We're getting rid of them now. You're taking an intangible knowledge base and sending them home for mistakes. Some major (justified), and some minor (slap them upside the head and let em stay in). But all are going home. The entire military knows this, and they also know that if they stick their head up, they could be next, so they drive on doing their jobs, excelling enough to be noticed, but not too much to where someone would remember them too long. I don't think feelings are cared about in building leaders compared to having a support mechanism that allows mistakes to be made, lessons to be learned, and those lessons applied. The military was that system for decades. Now it's back to Zero defect mode, and our future leaders suffer for it.

Response by COL Jon Thompson made Jan 14 at 2016 10:23 PM

COL Jon Thompson — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 22:23:23 -0500

I believe that much of this flows down from senior leaders who are concerned about anything that make hurt their chances at making the next promotion. Things like EO complaints are quantifiable where it is more difficult to measure good leadership. So in a zero defects service, that one complaint may be the thing that keeps someone from moving up. Junior leaders are not dumb. They see what is important to senior leaders and will make sure they remain competitive as well. It creates a cycle and can cause some of the best leaders to get out, leaving the others in charge.

Response by Capt Mark Strobl made Jan 15 at 2016 12:26 AM

Capt Mark Strobl — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 00:26:20 -0500

Major Gene Duncan (USMC, ret) pontificated on this very issue throughout his books: Brown Side Out, Green Side Out, Run in Circles, Scream and Shout. They're a great read --Sea Stories peppered with reality and insights of a great leader. To summarize his characterization of leaders: There are lions and lambs. Lions don't fear the ramifications of honesty, directness, and identifying lambs. Lambs, however, can abruptly end the careers of lions --usually because they get their feelings hurt. Thus, the lion self-attrites, or is unwillingly attrited by other senior-ranking lambs.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 15 at 2016 1:19 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 01:19:08 -0500

In my personal opinion, the dichotomy you set up is a false one. It is not an either/or. It is very possible to do both.

Now, as a very bureaucratic organization that has an instilled culture, change is very difficult.

Response by CPT Mark Gonzalez made Jan 15 at 2016 7:37 AM

CPT Mark Gonzalez — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 07:37:33 -0500

I have been absolutely as nice as possible to people, but the conversation has still led to tears. You don't have to be a dick to bring someone to standard. And you are not a bad guy if you have to separate someone for their own actions. It was their decision and regardless of the emotions you have to execute. You cannot save everyone, but you can save a lot and you can treat people with dignity even when being coercive.

Response by Lt Col John (Jack) Christensen made Feb 11 at 2017 1:43 PM

Lt Col John (Jack) Christensen — Sat, 11 Feb 2017 13:43:32 -0500

Think its more of a generational thing that isn't limited to the military. We live in a world where people coming to leadership positions have grown up with the participation trophy mentality. When this has been your life experience you become reluctant to make decisions that may ruffle the feathers of subordinates. Fortunately the military is all about developing leaders, so some do break out of this mentality, but it takes a lot longer than 30 or 40 years ago. In the civilian world, not so much, and combine that with the fact that most contemporary management gurus seem to stress the create friendship vs create leaders style of management.

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Apr 24 at 2018 6:04 PM

SGM Bill Frazer — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 18:04:28 -0400

Cause this is the entitled generation- few ever worked for anything- they have been taught that they are more important than others, that their talk/claims/wishes are more important than others, etc.