Where can I get advice on the legality of the actions of my child's mother?

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 28 Oct 2019 22:01:36 -0400

Long story, so here goes.

I had a child by a woman in 2012 at 18, she was 22. She was no good, and ended up going to jail and delivering him in the Missouri Department of Corrections. Due to my financial issues, I could not afford a lawyer and she regained custody upon her release. This was all before I joined the military. I was not allowed parenting time and paid $400 a month in child support.

Fast forward to 2017. In March, she overdosed in a bathroom and my son was put into foster care with his grandmother, who is a lawyer. She continued to fail, and ended up doing 11 months in prison, now being a convicted felon on parole. Due to my not having any rights beforehand, I had to go through an extensive process in order to gain custody of my son. I gained custody in May of 2018, and rotated in February of '19 to Germany, during which time he lived with my father under the provisions of my family care plan. She was allowed supervised visitation while I was gone, and just this past 4-day was her first visit of more than a day.

I say all this to caveat. I am looking at orders to Fort Campbell in May of next year. When I informed her and her mother of this, they tried to state that maybe him living with me was not a stable environment and that he shouldn't be moved around in the military lifestyle, as it will be hard on him (keep in mind, i have full physical and joint legal custody per a court order). My worry is that they are going to try to present to a judge that my lifestyle is too hectic and that it is not a suitable living environment. I have a live in fiance' whom I have a month old baby with, and she is a second parent to him when I am out to the field or working late, so he is never without care.

Is there any validity to my concern, or any legal precedence that they would be able to use to try to modify the custody order? Again, she is a convicted felon on parole but her mother is a lawyer who specializes in family law, having been the reason I was not in his life for the first 3 years. I am just worried that she will try to present me as a unfit parent due to military requirements.

Response by MAJ Javier Rivera made Oct 28 at 2019 10:05 PM

MAJ Javier Rivera — Mon, 28 Oct 2019 22:05:37 -0400

Lawyer up!

This is a legal (very technical) requiring expertise.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Oct 28 at 2019 10:41 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Mon, 28 Oct 2019 22:41:20 -0400

:\ Flounder Eyes

Response by SSG Steven Chirco made Oct 29 at 2019 12:04 AM

SSG Steven Chirco — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 00:04:41 -0400

Talk to an attorney, don’t listen to any “shit house attorneys.”

Response by SFC Casey O'Mally made Oct 29 at 2019 2:18 AM

SFC Casey O'Mally — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 02:18:05 -0400

There are rules about using military service against a parent in custody cases. I am not a lawyer, so I can't tell you what the rules are, or when they apply. But they are there. Judges don't always FOLLOW the rules - especially if there isn't someone citing them (like a lawyer...).

You case, as you presented it, is VERY open and shut, and you have no worries. However, you DO need a lawyer to present you case with the correct background and the correct legal precedents.

I know you say money is tight. Many lawyers will work with you on a payment plan. This is one of those things that you just have to find a way. Even if it means ramen a few times a week, find the money. Your kid is worth it.

Response by SSG Brian G. made Oct 29 at 2019 8:52 AM

SSG Brian G. — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 08:52:39 -0400

Ok, first off this is a civilian legal issue and not an issue germaine to the military. So you need to seek a civilian attorney that specializes in family law. The military is not going to touch this.

Now, as long as what you say is accurate, in so far as you have full legal custody of the child, the grandparents have no legal leg to stand on. They are not the guardians of record. The most they could do was launch a complaint in the state where you are posted and have DFACS do a health and welfare check on you and the child. But as long as at the time of the inspection they find that the child is clean, healthy, the house in good repair and order and things like shots etc are maintained then that is the end of it.

They can try that whole 'not stable environment' crap but the fact is millions of kids go through this every day of every year and have done so for many decades and turn out ok. Seek a civilian family practice lawyer.

Response by SSgt Tanner Iskra made Oct 29 at 2019 10:34 AM

SSgt Tanner Iskra — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 10:34:10 -0400

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https://www.blogs.va.gov/VAntage/66268/born-battle-163-nathan-goncalves-army-veteran-ucla-law-school/

Born the Battle #163: Nathan Goncalves: Army Veteran, Equal Justice Works, UCLA Law School -...

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Response by PO3 Adam Stoflet made Oct 29 at 2019 3:22 PM

PO3 Adam Stoflet — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 15:22:20 -0400

#1 get a lawyer best advice ever.

#2 how old is the child? If they are 13 and over the court may listen to him and what he wants vs what his mother or you want.

#3 make sure to counter them with the drug use, prison time and any miss behavior.

Short story about an Army Vet turned Sherries deputy I worked with at the Sherrifs department. His Ex and mother of his son was a drug user and had been arrested for it a couple of times. The mother wanted to get custody. His son who never got to see he mother wanted to see his mother and spend more time with her. His son was over 13 the judge was inclined to listen to the child and awarded custody of the child to the drug addict of a mother over the Sheriff’s Deputy of a father. Which now he the father has to pay child support to his Ex-wife.

My point with sharing this story is that it could go either way and that the will of the child can influence the outcome. So if you want to keep your kid now is definitely the time to pull out all the stops in order to keep your son.

Is she going to Narcotics Aynonmus meetings to treat her addiction problems?
Does she have a stable job?
Does she have health insurance?
Does she have a home?
Does she even have a plan to raise your kid?
Use all the requirements the military throws at you for caring for a child right back at her! Use those as standards to prove wether or not she is a fit mother.
Are your parents available to give him the stable envorment that he needs vs her drug use and your military life style?

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 29 at 2019 6:41 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 18:41:57 -0400

You should raise this with an attorney who specializes in family law.
I suggest that once you relocate your child to your new duty station, once he has resided there for whatever period their state law states, they would likely have to file there, as that state would then likley have jurisdiction. This would make it more of a challenge for them.
I doubt they'd have success with a military family member lifestyle, versus a child of a drug addict lifestyle argument.
It isn't an issue until they attempt legal action.
Avoid provoking it until your child is out of state, and better, until the resident requirement is met at your next duty station.
In the meantime, make a timeline of:
Your parenting;
Support of military and success of FCP
Her addiction;
Her loss of the child;
Any limitations placed on her patental rights by court or social services;
Her ability to provide stable environment;etc.

Response by Patricia Overmeyer made Oct 29 at 2019 8:01 PM

Patricia Overmeyer — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 20:01:59 -0400

SPC(P) (Anonymous): There are pro bono attorneys who specialize in family law with military issues. Please contact the American Bar Association through this website: http://www.MilitaryProBono.org You can also contact Mary Meixner, the Pro Bono Project director at [login to see] or by calling [login to see] .
I volunteer for the ABA Military Pro Bono Project and have dealt with cases like yours before. Opposing counsel will always try to project the military lifestyle as being unhealthy for the child due to multiple deployments, multiple PCS, etc. It's annoying and I refuse to use it. Get in touch with Mary and she will get you an attorney who can handle your case.

Military Pro Bono Project

Military attorneys may refer cases for pro bono assistance, use Operation Stand-By for guidance, and find further legal information and resources.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 29 at 2019 8:11 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 20:11:27 -0400

1) Attorney
2) Read your current custody agreement, many have restrictions on moving the child out of state because doing so restricts the non-custodial parents rights to visitation.
Some custody agreements have weird provisions, as an example mine specifically states what mpaa rated movies my kids can watch, and that there must be an agreement before my 15 year old sees a rated R movie even if its in my home.

Response by MGySgt Joseph Magyar made Oct 30 at 2019 12:16 AM

MGySgt Joseph Magyar — Wed, 30 Oct 2019 00:16:29 -0400

You need a lawyer if this goes to a civilian court. If you need money try Army Emergency Relief (AER) is dedicated to "Helping The Army Take Care Of Its Own." AER services are available to soldiers, active and retired, active duty dependents, and survivors. AER can offer interest-free loans, grants that do no require repayment, and combinations. These loans or grants can be used to pay for basic living expenses such as rent, utilities, food, baby supplies or may help to cover one-time expenses such as vehicle repair, emergency travel, medical or dental expenses, or replacement or repair of major appliances. AER loans are also your best option if you are in non-reciept of pay for an administrative error or other government issue. Effective 1 October 2013, Sergeants First Class and above may request assistance directly from AER without working through their chain of command first.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Oct 30 at 2019 11:40 AM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Wed, 30 Oct 2019 11:40:47 -0400

Find a civilian lawyer to help you. Don't bring a knife (your limited knowledge of the law) to a gun fight (her mother is a lawyer).

I don't think just being in the Service makes you an unfit parent. I suspect a good lawyer can show ample precedent where military members are successful parents and some are successful single parents.

It will help if you get your life in proper order. As close as I can tell, you've fathered two children without being married to their mothers. I suspect your campaign to keep custody of child 1 will go a lot better if you are married to your current fiancé. Recommend you and fiancé get pre-marital counseling. Chaplain can help with this.