What was your experience with relationships or marriage while in the military?

2017-11-26T18:24:34-05:00

While in the military, were you able to have functional and healthy significant relationships? Were you married prior to or during your service? What effects did the military have on your relationships? What was the end state? If you were able to pull through, what advice do you have for those who may be dealing with the difficulties of having a relationship while in the service?

Response by SSG Antoinette Azevedo Toscano made Nov 26 at 2017 6:35 PM

2017-11-26T18:35:28-05:00

Wow! What a great question. My advice is mutual respect, communication, and remember that you love the other person--even when you disagree, feel hurt or misunderstood, sad, or lonely. A special piece of advice for service members married to another service member. Be mindful that your spouse takes their job and career just as seriously as you take yours. So, don't consider you're wife's military career to be expendable or easily terminated if dual military careers become a challenge. Find a way to make teamwork work for you and work it out, don't demand that she, "Get out of the service."

Response by SGT Beth Day made Nov 26 at 2017 6:42 PM

2017-11-26T18:42:42-05:00

I married on active duty. There were more challenges in my case because the Army really wasn't yet set up to handle male spouses (especially one with a ponytail).

I actually got off active duty and went into the Guard as a compromise. But I still remember the first sergeant giving is a hard time because the headquarters company didn't have 100 percent participation in the NCO Wives Club. Not one to keep my mouth shut, I pointed out my husband had issues with that. Got s bit of applause for that from the other women in formation though.

Funny story aside, you have to respect one another. Its worked for us for over 35 years!

Response by LTC Jason Mackay made Nov 26 at 2017 7:53 PM

2017-11-26T19:53:27-05:00

I do everything the hard way. I met my wife at my first duty station, Fort Irwin CA, while assigned to the OPFOR. 2-3 weeks in the field every month. 11 months of the year. Almost four years solid. Followed that with the Advanced course for six months of which we lived apart for half of it due to her education. Followed by 13 months unaccompanied tour to Korea. If she were not "the one" we would not have made it. Both of us did not fully understand what that commitment was going to be over a two decade career. We at least tried to have the conversation. We were as ready as any couple could be for three deployments, a slew of TDY, and other trappings of military life.

Some of the difficulties you have to mitigate, offset, or at least mutually acknowledge:
- service members will have difficulty spending time on a long courtship. 2-3 years time on station is speeding dating. I saw many couples that struggled with 'getting to know you' friction. They did not get through all that during courtship. They got married in advance of the orders so they could stay together. Advice: make sure they are the "one". Ensure you are open and honest about what the future could hold. Only you and your other can decide on the timing.
- you will be pulling your spouse out of their support system in most cases. Don't know how to get a stain out of carpet? Call Mom. Need a no notice sitter? Call mom. Have a doctor's appointment in the middle of the day? Call mom. advice: actively seek surrogate support systems.
- you may be pulling your spouse away from a degree/credentialing program or emergent career. Advice: carefully weigh the decision to transfer, quit, "take a semester off" etc. weigh all the options with your spouse carefully. At a certain point my wife put all her hopes and goals on hold. Now that I am retired, I am the supporting effort and she is the main effort. Not every couple can do this. Individual results may vary.
-uprooting a family and a household every 2-3 years is hard on families. Literally can't have nice things. Temporary lodging puts strain on families. It is a challenge to focus on the new adventure when you are crammed in a hotel room or camper waiting for quarters, your HHG, and possibly even your car to arrive. School changes are hard, especially like the dreaded "emergency contact" times three when you just got there.
- children and their upbringing will have effects specific to the children and secondary effects on both parents. This is a mile wide and a mile deep and will vary family to family. Advice: talk about it. Get outside help if you are at a loss.
- clearing a set of government quarters will max out people's patience under the best circumstances. Now factor in a new military spouse. It gets hard to control the urge to tell the inspector to go F themselves, especially if they feel attacked about their housekeeping skills or feel like they are being "judged". Advice: SM needs to manage the PCS process so they can help with the quarters clearance.
- financial wellness is critical regardless of your marital status. Advice: agree to a plan, stick to the plan. Deviate by mutual agreement. Discretionary buying cash or credit is a pit. Don't get into it. Save, even if it is $20 a month. Stuff is temporary, bad credit and bankruptcy is 7-10 years, divorce is pretty much forever.
- deployment , outside of the possibility you will be hurt or killed, will simply stress more of what ever else you have going already. Worried about an empty bank account? Is this something your spouse does already? You may want to get to the bottom of that before you're on a DEPORD. Who,you elect as the NOK, SGLI recipient , disposition of effects, and disposition of remains is a hard choice. If you are not picking your spouse, that may be a conversation you have before it is your folks, ex spouse, or whoever you picked for those things duking it out at your funeral.
- every military family will be faced at some point to be or not to be a geo-bachelor. Advice: identify the off ramp before you get into it. Recommend you have the reunification conditions and strategy up front. I have seen people do it for years on end. It can't be fun.

Response by Maj John Bell made Nov 27 at 2017 1:03 AM

2017-11-27T01:03:23-05:00

If you want a recipe for a failed marriage - Leave the service at the main gate. Other than classified information my wife new everything. She was my best advisor, lead cheerleader, and most insightful critic.

Response by SPC Casey Ashfield made Nov 27 at 2017 1:43 AM

2017-11-27T01:43:52-05:00

I had two main relationships during my time in the military. The first was a girlfriend I met shortly after I graduated basic training and reported to my NG unit while attending college. She lived about 30 minutes away from campus. She would visit me on the weekends or I would stay with her over the weekends when I didn't have various school or military duties. We were an on again/off again relationship. We averaged dating 3 or 4 months at a stretch before she would break things off, only to get back together with her 2-4 weeks later. When I went overseas, it was the same deal. We communicated sporadically through email and phone calls. We broke up 3 times that year. When I came back she acted more unusual than normal. So I had some friends of mine do some computer wizardry. They had uncovered a list with 14 names on it of men (and women) she had cheated on me with while I was away. I waited until the next time she decided to break it off before laying the list and proof on her. If I got pushed away, that was it. No more begging. Never turned back.

My second relationship turned out much better. She was a former 31D (Army CID) who got out on a medical discharge. She and I started talking about our mutual Afghan experience. When I finally broke things off with my girlfriend, I called my (now wife) because she was worried about my mental state. We spoke on the phone for 7 hours. Not much later she and I were married, living down south, and had a baby boy.

Response by SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth made Nov 27 at 2017 5:47 AM

2017-11-27T05:47:31-05:00

My wife an I married at about the 4th year of my enlistment in the Guards, she had no problems with that part of my career, just wasn't overly enthused that I drove a fuel truck.

Response by PV2 Dv Michael Persson made Nov 27 at 2017 2:45 PM

2017-11-27T14:45:09-05:00

Well all situations are different but mine wasn't good I couldn't have a good relationship ship

Response by Susan Lantz made Nov 30 at 2017 7:09 AM

2017-11-30T07:09:27-05:00

While my husband was in, we heard many yimes, if the Army had wanted you to be married it would have provided you a wife. When my husband enlisted we were already husband and wife. My husband was devoted to his job, even to the point yhat when I was in labor, he still went to Graf. (Was called back in time for the baby. That time.) He also came back to the states for schooling, and I had the baby in Germany. I never regretted the time we spent in Germany. I know some who complained all the time, but did not go see the sights. I was as dedicated as he was, and helped him in many capacities, as i could to make life easier for our troops. Thanks to all for their service, evrn the wives.