What is the most appropriate way to inform a military spouse that their husband/wife is being chaptered?

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 14:11:36 -0400

The Soldier has now failed 5 consecutive APFTs over several months. He is being chaptered and is likely within a few months of being out of the military if everything goes smooth. His current ETS is over a year out and he and his wife just leased a new house last month. He hasn't told her yet that anything is wrong or that he may be out of a job soon.

In the best interest of the spouse, I want to make sure that she is aware that the Soldier will likely be out of the Army very shortly (no need to tell her why) so that they can make better plans for post military life.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2017 2:14 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 14:14:14 -0400

Three options, really:

1) Inform the Soldier that they need to share this info with the spouse ASAP.
2) Tell the spouse directly.
3) Have the FRG President speak with the spouse

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2017 2:14 PM

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 14:14:56 -0400

I believe it is the soldiers place to tell his wife, at his own time and place. Just my 2 centes.

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Oct 22 at 2017 2:34 PM

SGM Erik Marquez — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 14:34:20 -0400

Not your place, not your job...
Your Task is to keep the SM informed and educated, to advise when needed and to enforce policy and regulations.
You are not tasked, nor trained as a marriage counselor.
You have ZERO authority to speak to the spouse, and I would caution you in doing so. If you insist , get your 1SG and company commanders approve IN WRITING and I would suggest you go see JAG and ask their legal opinion.

Your desire to assist the family unit as a whole is admirable but ask any local cop or MP what happens when a third party gets in to a domestic issue and most will tell you one or both spouses turn against the assisting third party....even when its clear one or both spouses need the assistance.

Your job is the Soldier, but you have no authority over what he does or does not tell his wife.
So inform, provide incentive, perhaps even some negative reinforcement ..
But understand if you don't do this above board (I'll just wait till he is on CQ and his wife brings him dinner and then ask him what he is doing after he leaves the Army next month) and a domestic dispute or injury happens ... you are on the hook

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2017 2:45 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 14:45:50 -0400

Thanks for the input everyone. I was pretty certain it was outside military authority limits and wanted to make sure that was accurate.

Response by SFC Christopher Taggart made Oct 22 at 2017 4:40 PM

SFC Christopher Taggart — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 16:40:03 -0400

Not much else to say, I agree with those that have commented...NOT your place to say anything. It is the spouse's duty to keep their family informed of any changes. If that soldier hasn't said anything by now, that just shows what kind of marriage they have...they might be in trouble, failing an APFT is the least of their troubles.

Response by Sgt Wayne Wood made Oct 22 at 2017 6:06 PM

Sgt Wayne Wood — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 18:06:30 -0400

Ain’t nobodies business but the SM & the spouse. Stay the fuck out.

Response by SGT David T. made Oct 23 at 2017 9:41 AM

SGT David T. — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 09:41:36 -0400

Honestly, this isn't your place to inform them. That is an internal matter to their relationship and you should not get involved under any circumstances. I can understand wanting to try and do right by the spouse, but this is way outside of your lane. He will tell her in his own time. If nothing else, she will find out when transportation shows up to take their stuff. You can talk to the Soldier about making sure their spouse is informed. I don't think that is out of line since you are still responsible to lead and mentor them until they get their DD-214 blanket.

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Oct 23 at 2017 9:59 AM

SGM Bill Frazer — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 09:59:40 -0400

WHOA the F#$%^ UP SSG. It is grand to want to keep a troops family unit strong, but this is a MAJOR minefield. You are wanting to place your 4th POC between a husband and wife?, one of the most dangerous positions in the world. Legally I don't think you have the right to. Morally, As her husband, he should have been confiding to her all the time, and already warned her that he was in problem, just as he has been warned. This is one of those things, you can only pray about. My $.02, of course

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 23 at 2017 10:33 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 10:33:00 -0400

Informing the spouse is the Soldier's task, not yours.
Counsel him to do so, but if he doesn't, he will be the one dealing with consequences.

As an aside, "failed five consecutive APFTs"? How is this only just now becoming a chapter?

Response by SSG Chiquita Powell made Oct 24 at 2017 12:05 PM

SSG Chiquita Powell — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 12:05:23 -0400

Your responsibility as a leader was to provide the mentoring and training to insure he passed his PT test in the first place.
I can't imagine anyone failing five times. Maybe he wants out.
Are first line leaders not allowed to give a practice test to their Soldiers anymore between the annual test?

"If they don't don't look good,
you don't look good."

Response by SSG Michael Scott made Oct 24 at 2017 12:09 PM

SSG Michael Scott — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 12:09:09 -0400

You have to be honest. You think you have a problem now, if you do not tell her and she finds out on her own. Then yes, you will have a BIG problem. good luck

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 22 at 2018 8:43 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 20:43:02 -0500

The longer he waits and the more lies he tells the harder it will be. He should own up to it now because aside from being chaptered out it could destroy his marriage.

Response by SFC Byron Perry made Feb 5 at 2019 5:39 PM

SFC Byron Perry — Tue, 05 Feb 2019 17:39:13 -0500

Let the soldier tell them.

Response by CW4 Craig Urban made Jun 11 at 2019 2:24 AM

CW4 Craig Urban — Tue, 11 Jun 2019 02:24:03 -0400

Someone needs to tell her