What is the best advice you have for having a successful relationship/marriage in the Army?

2018-02-27T18:24:03-05:00

Response by SFC Christopher Taggart made Feb 27 at 2018 6:44 PM

2018-02-27T18:44:29-05:00

Unless you absolutely cannot "restrain" yourself...and I think you know what I mean...I would stay single in the military. Too much "drama" and "stress," especially if your wife is not self-sufficient when you enlist. The Army will consume your time, and your wife will keep asking, 'why are you home so late,' 'why do you have to work weekends,' why can't you stay with the kids this time?' When you commit to the Army, and that's what it is, a "commitment"...the same commitment you'll make when you get married. If you absolutely want to be married, especially at your age, try the Reserves or National Guard, which is part-time duty UNTIL you get deployed...AND you will get deployed. You can stay in your home state, and your wife will have her family around and nearby.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 27 at 2018 7:21 PM

2018-02-27T19:21:09-05:00

PV2 J M Excellent advice from SFC Christopher Taggart. The military is not a 9 to 5 job and will demand your total commitment.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 27 at 2018 8:39 PM

2018-02-27T20:39:39-05:00

A subscription to your favorite "online entertainment," haha. Just kidding. Seriously, it's love, trust and prayers, and a true respect for marriage and marriage vows. And also to remember that over the years, the two of you will change. My wife and I are not the same people we were 18 years ago when we met. Marriage counseling is also very good. We have gone thru it for simple communication issues we were having and came out good on the other end of that. And whenever possible, and I mean whenever possible, you give all the attention to your spouse and family to make up for those long hours in garrison, in the field, or during deployments. I have been married for 14 years and I have to say that in addition to trust and prayers, it's a strong support system for the wife for whenever I'm gone. Every time I go away for an extended (six or more months) amount of time, she has went home to stay with her family. But now that we have a child and are VERY FAR away from her family now, it will just be her and our daughter whenever I leave. But a service member's spouse, whether it's a husband or a wife, must be self reliant and completely independent. If I had married a woman that was constantly worrying and calling me all the time at work or wherever, then I would divorce that woman in the blink of an eye. I have a very mentally strong woman who understands my commitment. If she has an affair with the plumber, then I prefer to not hear about it, haha.

And lastly, don't prematurely give up on your marriage because you had an argument. Marriage is not meant to be a breeze, you gotta work at it.

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 27 at 2018 9:16 PM

2018-02-27T21:16:18-05:00

Professional marriage and career counseling - a lot of counseling - to ensure you understand each other, communicate well, argue without destroying each other, preserve spontaneity, empathy, affection, and know when it is appropriate time to go. Warmest Regards, Sandy :)

Response by SSG (ret) William Martin made Feb 27 at 2018 9:55 PM

2018-02-27T21:55:30-05:00

Don't marry after a few days. Don't marry for BAH. Don't marry to leave the barracks. Finally, don't marry a whore. If she is a whore or if you a little unfaithful yourself do two people a favor and stay single.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Feb 27 at 2018 10:53 PM

2018-02-27T22:53:59-05:00

I wasn't married when I was in, I was supposed to have gone Army, I was ROTC, I went USAF OTS instead. I realize I'm likely to be disagreed with, I expect that, however, what you asked piqued my curiosity for multiple reasons. I knew both enlisted and commissioned couples while I'd been in, as well as civil service families, all are inescapable knowing, that world tends to be a somewhat narrow, provincial one, regardless of service, I'd found. I realize many here might, as I'd said, disagree with me, however, I can onoy give you mumemotife reaction to your question, in the hope of doing you some potential good. I did in fact very greatly envy the stability I observed in those I knew on active who were !arroed, as I think, with some fair degree of validity, that their being so did, in fact help them in their day to day work and existence, not hinder either. I wish I'd been able to ne married whole I'd been in, for precisely that reason, as that level of companionship, whole it introduces its own problems of married existence, kids, bills, what have you, minimizes the isolation that all too frequently, I'd found, though perhaps it was just more a matter of me, can tend to pervade active duty life. That being said. In order to try to answer you more coherently while I realize you might not want to go into very much here, knowing more of your circumstances generally, I've found, frequently helps those here help those like you trying to ask about existence once in, regardless of service, unit, branch, Guard, Reserve, what have you so, purely out of curiosityz, why Army, per se, as opposed to other services? Are you college, working, wanting ROTC, OCS, enlisted, and, whiceger route, what field, what type of work? What school have you had thus far, high school, community college, regular college, associates, bachelors, grad school? There are also alternatives you might think about, like the Guard and/or Reserve Tech program, also I've seen listed as AGR, where you'd be civil service drilling with a unit, wearing the uniform during the week, though a civil servant. Also, if you want to see if the life is for you, depending on what state youre in, you might look at trying time in a state defense force (SDF), one of the state militaries that support the Army and Air Natl Guard (ARNG/ANG), that way you can see if it's for you, and not be deployed, yet contribute. Generally, if an SDF member wants to go Federal and gets accepted, an SDF, as I've understood, can and generally does let them go. I'd only learned of the SDFs, look up SGAUS, that's their kain organization of those states and/or territories that have them, some are more active than others, some states and/or territories dont have an SDF at alp, you'd need to check. Try to elaborate, as I'd said, for that reason, the more you relate, the more feedback can be given, I just figured you might find that of at least some use, I'd be eager to hear more, I'll try to send you some sites that you might also find worth looking at, as well. I'd consider which service, which fieldz which branch, very, very carefully, I'm not saying that to dissuade you I'm merely pointing out that going innis a life-altering event, if you have time to research it properlyx, considering aoo services, take the time to do so, I found that not knowing what to ask, or who to ask, was the single major aspect that affected my existence while in, that:s my only reason for suggesting thst you elaborate, and take adequate time to do sufficient research, and engage in dialogue with those who've been in, and can try to help you get it right the first time, so far as humanly possible, OK? As I said, I hope that was of use, ifmyour care to chat further I'm here. Of course, anytime, many thanks

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Feb 27 at 2018 10:55 PM

2018-02-27T22:55:08-05:00

http://www.sgaus.org

Here's the SDF organization page, so you can see if your state or territory has one, OK?

SGAUS – State Guard Association of the United States

State Guard Association of the United States

Response by SGT Jamarl Jones made Feb 27 at 2018 10:55 PM

2018-02-27T22:55:50-05:00

Nothing anybody hears on a website is going to make a difference in whether or not a relationship is successful.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Feb 27 at 2018 10:58 PM

2018-02-27T22:58:46-05:00

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Air_Reserve_Technician_Program

This is the USAFR program for Reserve Tech....

Air Reserve Technician Program - Wikipedia

Air Reserve Technicians, commonly referred to as ARTs, are a nucleus of full-time uniformed U.S. Air Force leaders, managers, operators, planners and trainers in what is known as the Air Reserve Component (ARC) of the United States Air Force, the ARC consisting of both the Air Force Reserve and the Air National Guard.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Feb 27 at 2018 11:01 PM

2018-02-27T23:01:39-05:00

https://www.military.com/veteran-jobs/career-advice/resume-writing/national-guard-technician-federal-resume.html

This is on the Guard Tech program...

Writing a National Guard Technician Dual-status Federal Resume

If you're a NG Technician looking for new civil service positions, follow these resume tips.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Feb 27 at 2018 11:03 PM

2018-02-27T23:03:47-05:00

https://www.thebalance.com/army-reserves-open-more-full-time-agr-positions-3332673

This is on the AGR program....

Army Reserves Open More Full-Time AGR Positions

The Active-Guard-Reserve program has seen an increase of approximately 300 new assignment opportunities during this fiscal year.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Feb 27 at 2018 11:04 PM

2018-02-27T23:04:39-05:00

All services I've seen have Reserve Tech, Guard Tech, and/or AGR, you should look at app of them, if you can....

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Feb 27 at 2018 11:09 PM

2018-02-27T23:09:00-05:00

http://dmna.ny.gov/jobs/

As a case in point, this is the NUS DMNA job page, listing AGR and other openings, I'm sure analogous pages exist for all other states and/or territories....

NYS DMNA Job Opportunities

State, Army and Air Force Technician and AGR job vacancies and Links to Other Job Banks, services and job-search tools through the New York Division of Military and Naval Affairs

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Feb 27 at 2018 11:15 PM

2018-02-27T23:15:09-05:00

http://dmna.ny.gov/nyg/

This is the NYS SDF page for Tue NY Guard, the NY supplement to the Natl Guard, as I'd said they're a reap military, though state, boot camp, enlistment contracts, their own OCS, all of it, as I'd !mentioned, it can give you a very good perspective on the life before trying a regular Federal service, I merely !mention it as an alternative, that:s all, honestz just to see how you'd fare in that world before committing to the other, OK?

New York Guard State Volunteer Force

The New York State Guard - New York’s Volunteer Military Force -

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Feb 27 at 2018 11:19 PM

2018-02-27T23:19:18-05:00

http://dmna.ny.gov/nynm/

This is another little known option, NYnjas a naval militia, it's Federally recognized, whereas the NY Guard apparently isn't, it's for drilling USNR, USMCR,mand USCGR personnel, who want to drill with NY State, I'm sure other states and territories have them, I've just never found one, it's not an SDF, per se, since it is Federally recognized, I just thought I'd show it so you'd have a basis for comparison....

New York Naval Militia

New York’s Naval Militia - the nation's oldest, continuously-serving, federally-recognised state naval force

Response by LT Brad McInnis made Feb 28 at 2018 12:20 AM

2018-02-28T00:20:52-05:00

I was married to another Naval Officer. It did not work out for us. Is it possible to have a successful relationship, yes. But it is much more difficult. What I can tell you is that communication and realistic expectations are paramount. Talk and don't let anything that "might" be a problem become a problem. You both have to understand that there are things that are way out of your control, and missing something is not a reflection of how you perceive the other person.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 28 at 2018 9:29 AM

2018-02-28T09:29:47-05:00

Jordan-Hard to improve on the great advice already given, but here's my take. As a high school student, I'm going to assume you are not currently married. I'm also going to assume that you're interested in joining the Armed Forces, and are curious as to the impacts on one's personal life, to include relationships. If correct, then consider that the first few years of any enlistment will constitute a complete transformation for you. You'll go from being an individual, to being part of a greater whole. You will develop in ways that will result in a completely different man walking out than the one who walked in. You will act, think and feel differently...I'd wait until you've had time to get to know yourself at that point before even thinking about asking someone else to take on that challenge.

It may sound harsh, but the wise bet is to enter basic training with as few "distractions" as possible, and keep it that way as long as you can.

Response by MSG Dan Castaneda made Feb 28 at 2018 9:33 AM

2018-02-28T09:33:11-05:00

Marry your career first. It is very difficult to become a great Soldier while attempting to become a great husband. Not impossible but difficult. Once you get up the ladder a bit and feel comfortable then give it a shot. Just don't forget who pays your check.

Response by SGT Dave Tracy made Feb 28 at 2018 10:38 AM

2018-02-28T10:38:24-05:00

Don't get too intense (and marriage sure as hell counts!) too quickly or too early in life; whether one is in the Army or not.

Response by SGT Tony Clifford made Feb 28 at 2018 11:02 AM

2018-02-28T11:02:15-05:00

For starters if you're younger than 26 don't get married. You're going to get sent all over the place. Young soldiers who get married usually get divorced. You go on deployment or a year in Korea (personal experience) you come home and all of your money is gone, your wife ran off with another man, and she's trying to get whatever money she didn't abscond with in the divorce settlement.

Response by CMDCM Gene Treants made Feb 28 at 2018 3:29 PM

2018-02-28T15:29:14-05:00

Stay Single as long as possible, but when you marry, keep your priorities in order. My wife knew that my career was important to us both and we were part of the Navy together as a team. If I had to deploy I left her prepared as much as possible. We discussed what to do in case of emergencies with the house, car, etc and had all of the needed paperwork. That was the logistics part.
Then we also covered our marriage as 1LT Sandy Annala talked about - "communicate well, argue without destroying each other, preserve spontaneity, empathy, affection." We are still married after over 40 years, 20 in the Navy.

Response by SPC David Willis made Feb 28 at 2018 3:34 PM

2018-02-28T15:34:16-05:00

The area surrounding a base is the worst place to find a spouse. There are obviously exceptions, but its a proven rule of thumb. I would also be hesitant to date anyone that starts talking to you in the service that wouldn't look twice at you in highschool. If you have a gf when you go in thats usually a recipe for success. Whatever you do though, don't get married because of deployments or babies. I always recommend going through your first deployment as boy friend/girl friend or even go through it engaged, but deployments are the best indicator of how the marriage will survive.

Response by Cpl Justin Goolsby made Feb 28 at 2018 4:32 PM

2018-02-28T16:32:40-05:00

Best advice is don't get married.

Military life is a completely different lifestyle which most people outside the military aren't accustomed to. You might think you guys are something special and you can make it work.

Then you get deployed for 6 months, 9 months, a year. Spouse gets bored. Feels isolated since they left all their friends to be with you. Hooks up with the first person who gives them a modicum of attention.

Then you'll come home to find your bank account cleared out, your stuff sold or stolen.

Seriously. Don't do it.

If you want to get married, get through your first enlistment. Find out if you even want to make a career out of the military first.

You can talk to a million and one service members and the stories are always similar. There are very few military marriages that last.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 28 at 2018 7:21 PM

2018-02-28T19:21:07-05:00

She's your boss , aka "Household 6 " out side of the Army, so listen to her needs and make her your #1.

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Feb 28 at 2018 7:53 PM

2018-02-28T19:53:20-05:00

Work together as a team, talk over everything, take no day for granted, don't go to bed mad, forgive a lot

Response by SSG Trevor S. made Feb 28 at 2018 8:10 PM

2018-02-28T20:10:23-05:00

Be honest and upfront about the requirements the military will place on you with your soon to be spouse. Tell her/him exactly what field time entails, deployments, and the lack of communications technology you will often encounter while out. Go through the budget, budget in wiggle room (your spouse is human and has human needs they don't always account for). Put as many bills on an automatic payment plan as possible. Plan to have at least three bank accounts. Set an allotment to yours and theirs. The rest will go to the main, automatic bill pay account. Every time a reenlistment comes up, talk it over with your spouse and make sure they still want to be your support structure. Just like you can ETS, the spouse might want to return to civilian life as well. Make it a joint decision to continue service.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 28 at 2018 8:49 PM

2018-02-28T20:49:07-05:00

Wow, my comment must've been deleted. Don't know why, included some great advice for ya. Oh well.

Response by PO1 Don Gulizia made Mar 1 at 2018 10:55 AM

2018-03-01T10:55:12-05:00

Don't let all of these folks scare you. I wasn't looking to marry young, but found the right girl...early. I was 20 when we married, 23 when we had our first kid. It's been a little over 27 years and we're still happily married. You will have to sacrifice and compromise on a lot of things. Military spouses have to be way more understanding and capable than other spouses. (my mother never had a driver's license and never changed a flat tire) My wife had to repair cars and toilets while I was gone...replace drywall...play catch with my son...pay all of the bills...clean up kid's puke by herself....AND go to bed alone many nights and be okay with that. I sacrificed, as well. Advancement wasn't my main priority once I had kids. I retired as an E-6 and I'm okay with that because I was home for the birth of all of my kids. I only missed one birthday and no Christmas's. It can work, but it's hard. Eventhough I was young (and seeing that you are in high school), I would tell you to wait a little while. Your girl needs to go to college and get a degree. If both of you are still in love after that, knock yourself out. Good luck.

Response by CPT Gurinder (Gene) Rana made Mar 1 at 2018 12:50 PM

2018-03-01T12:50:28-05:00

Keep all family matters at home between man and wife, as well as children. Innovate a culture at home of secrecy and resolve marital quarrels at home or in counseling, but never at work. Never mix personal affairs with professional matters; never think confiding in outsiders will bring resolutions at home or in the workplace. Always create a facade to keep personal distant from your profession at all times. Build your trust in one another and become best friends before embarking on the platonic voyage; such that each can read their partners without a word said.

At work; distance yourself from home, because command are not a humble abode.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 1 at 2018 5:03 PM

2018-03-01T17:03:55-05:00

Personally, the fact that my husband and I were active duty when we met (he’s NG I’m still active now) we had that common understanding of compromising in the relationship. Duties, Long field exercises, deployments etc we knew had to cope and get through them and it made us stronger. Plus, I think some individuals have a better sense of commitment and loyalty than others in their relationship which can make the relationship actually last.

Response by PO1 William "Chip" Nagel made Mar 1 at 2018 6:54 PM

2018-03-01T18:54:33-05:00

PV2 J M "Don't Do It, It Just Ain't Right, God Knows What Will Happen?"

Response by SPC Erich Guenther made Mar 1 at 2018 9:23 PM

2018-03-01T21:23:12-05:00

Date for at least a year while your in the Army so you both can see what it is like. Avoid a shotgun marriage.

Response by Clara Steinhurst made Mar 2 at 2018 12:08 PM

2018-03-02T12:08:34-05:00

Be patient and ready for anything that could and will happen, love unconditionally

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 4 at 2018 12:50 AM

2018-03-04T00:50:54-05:00

Be honest, faithful, compassionate, considerate, and caring. If you show your loved one those traits you will have a great marriage no matter what career you have. P.S she had to follow them also