What do you think of my Green to Gold, "Why I Want to be an Officer" essay? What should I address or remove?

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 17 Jul 2019 22:16:28 -0400

**EDIT/UPDATE** I realized that I only have 2000 characters (with spaces) to communicate my desire to become an officer. That's a tall order to fit 5 paragraphs in half a page as you will see below, so I tried to condense it to 4. I hope that I conveyed everything I needed to. Let me know if this is better than my last attempt and how I could improve. Should I isolate fewer qualities and go further into depth on them or should I leave it how it is?

I want to be an officer because I have the intellect, and ability to handle responsibility under pressure; I want to be the one calling the shots and planning for the future; and I want to be the commander who earns the respect of those around him, who drives the unit to surpass the standard for each of the tasks on its METL.
Having been an NCO for over two years and looking to pin SSG in the near future, I learned how to take care of soldiers needs and conduct day to day operations, but I am capable of more than that. Being an officer involves being an intellectual who can handle a lot of responsibility and can perform under pressure. I have been humbled as an NCO and I have learned from my mistakes on how to overcome my temptation to overthink things and of my fear of delegation. I learned to break a problem down to its core and to trust in my peers and subordinates; then I evaluated their performance and identified places where training could be implemented. I feel that in that process, I have gained an insight into a commander’s thought process.
Speaking of a command mindset, I want to have the privilege of leading a group of talented and disciplined soldiers and driving my own ship. I have seen and been subjected to too many poor command decisions that are seemingly based on someone’s convenience, rather than the unit’s METL. My Joes respect me because I communicate a purpose for their efforts and in turn, they produce a lot of value in a little amount of time. If I said nothing, they feel as though I wasted their time. Therefore, if I were to commission, I will continue to exhibit strong communication so that my soldiers can work towards exceeding our METL’s standards.
Having supported Green Berets my entire career and learned that having strong leadership is paramount to a unit’s readiness. Having the intellect to accomplish the mission, and the drive to command, I want to be an officer in the United States Army to serve in the highest capacity I can.

Response by CW4 Craig Urban made Jul 17 at 2019 10:49 PM

CW4 Craig Urban — Wed, 17 Jul 2019 22:49:37 -0400

Where was I when JFK got assassinated? In high school, getting paddled by my PE coach for not wanting to play sophomore football. After I pinned a brute in ten seconds the alarms went off.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 17 at 2019 10:49 PM

Sgt Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 17 Jul 2019 22:49:57 -0400

SSG Private RallyPoint Member I would reword one sentence "Once I graduated from college, could have gone off to work in industry as a mechanical engineer, but I chose to enlist in the Army instead."
I have no experience with this kind of letter, but your essay sounds good to me. Good Luck.

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 18 at 2019 2:11 AM

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 02:11:06 -0400

It good, but it’s too long in my opinion. I would consider making it shorter (2000 characters or less)

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jul 18 at 2019 2:55 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 14:55:46 -0400

My essay began with a introduction, 3 key points on being a leader, and a summary. You need to keep to one page. Your essay is very verbose.

Response by COL Dana Hampton made Jul 18 at 2019 3:22 PM

COL Dana Hampton — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 15:22:52 -0400

It’s basically good and speaks well of your desire to serve, but if there is a key element missing, is the core focus of the primary question. “Why” do you want to be an officer?

Officers are generalist in their branch, and lead from a different focus level than NCOs. Talk about how you know the difference between what an officer’s responsibilities are versus how NCOs lead. Then address how you are the type of leader that can use your enlisted experience ability to make the transition in leadership styles.

Caring for Soldiers is one small aspect of leadership, but address how you will be careful to not step your NCOs responsibilities while mentoring and motivating the team while driving mission accomplishment.

All in all, you’ve got great elements of a good essay. I’d like to see you drive home more of the why. Try hard to keep it to 1-page using the 5-paragraph theme format. Thesis, 3 paragraphs with a key point in each, and a conclusion.

Best of luck! We need leaders who can help drive success. You are on a great path!

Response by LTC Eugene Chu made Jul 18 at 2019 3:25 PM

LTC Eugene Chu — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 15:25:03 -0400

Remember BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front): You need to briefly state why you want to be an officer in the opening sentence of first paragraph. The rest of the essay will be used to support. Re-emphasize your reasons in concluding paragraph as well.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 21 at 2019 2:19 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 21 Jul 2019 14:19:58 -0400

I would discourage you from referring to Soldiers or subordinates as 'joes'. Slang does not sound professional.