What can I do to regain the confidence I once had while serving?

2016-09-02T11:57:55-04:00

Here is my situation and I honestly have no idea what to do. I have been out of the Army for just over four years. In that time I have gone from a confident person to a person who has no confidence in 95% of all things in my life. Even though I have accomplished many life long goals during that time (ie: earn a masters degree, land a teaching job in a great district, take over a baseball program that had no history of winning and won a conference championship in year one, wife and I had our first child etc). Not only have I lost confidence...I can go from having a good day to angry in a flip of a switch.

I'm going to ramble now since I am absolutely terrible at expressing myself and well, I have no idea what to do.

First thing; Marriage:
My wife is a successful person in the medical field. She is one that if you don't see things her way she has difficulty in logically understanding your view, therefore, she won't respect it. This never was a problem, but over the course of my deployment to my current time, this has ate at me more and more. Her comments have completely turned me off from her. For example, shortly after I returned and we were back on leave in my hometown, while out with a group of friends she made it known that I was never in any danger. She based that off of the fact that we didn't lose anyone from our Company (however we did lose two Soldiers from our Battalion). She is also on my case constantly about everything that I do. For example my career, I teach and coach and well, I make roughly $42K a year. Not a lot but it is the career that I always wanted and she knew this. She is constantly taking digs at it and how I need to find another job. Mind you that during the summer when I am coaching baseball I am at our field on average 9 hours a day. So it is not like I am at the bar...

I will say this, our marriage has and never will be physical. No matter how mad I get at her the thought of hitting her does not cross my mind.

Child: We just had our first child back in April. Honestly, the only thing that is keeping me from being done with her is him. I know it is not good in the long haul....but neither is staying in an unhealthy marriage.

The 5% that makes me "happy happy happy": I started hunting three years ago and it absolutely is one of the few things that makes me relax along with coaching etc.

Anyways, I'm not sure why I'm typing all of this....more so because I needed somewhere to go and vent as I am not one to do it on Facebook etc. I tried to search for this topic and found some good things but again, wanted to vent so if this needs to be removed, please do so.

I have set up an appointment with a therapist which felt like a weight off my shoulders. That lasted two days until I received an email from my wife this morning at work jumping my ass for something I had no control over. My invited my wife to come but in her words she "is not the one who needs help" and is not the "source of the problem".

I am not suicidal by no means. Although to be completely honest, I do wonder if things would have been better if I would have been one of the two Soldiers who did not return.

Thanks for letting me vent...like I said, I'm terrible at "expressing myself" so I appreciate it.

Response by Col Rebecca Lorraine made Sep 2 at 2016 11:58 AM

2016-09-02T11:58:55-04:00

What can you do about what?

Response by SGT Edward Wilcox made Sep 2 at 2016 11:59 AM

2016-09-02T11:59:16-04:00

About what?

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Sep 2 at 2016 12:08 PM

2016-09-02T12:08:16-04:00

I'm just guessing here, but you seem to be speaking quite eloquently with the selection of "groups" for your question. It would seem that you're depressed due to PTSD and it's affecting your marriage. Do you need counseling? Obviously, yes. But you'll have to provide your counselor with more details than you've provided here. Good luck and always remember, there are many of us here who have gone through the same thing and survived. You can to.

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 2 at 2016 12:10 PM

2016-09-02T12:10:15-04:00

You can do anything you set your mind to! We move toward and become like that which we think about. Think of a positive outcome, develop a plan to get there, then get going!

Response by SFC J Fullerton made Sep 2 at 2016 12:13 PM

2016-09-02T12:13:32-04:00

Be positive. Be productive. Not feel sorry for yourself because of the things you have to endure. We all need others in our life, but you are always your own best friend and nobody can understand you, give you more, or take better care of you than yourself. Once you take care of yourself, then the rest will fall into place.

Response by SrA Chris "Shadow" McGee made Sep 2 at 2016 12:18 PM

2016-09-02T12:18:06-04:00

Remain positive! It may be hard but speak with your spouse about the issues, find a counselor, or reach out to me if you are looking for a sounding board from someone who has been there. Always available to listen. PM me or text or call [login to see] .

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 2 at 2016 12:19 PM

2016-09-02T12:19:12-04:00

Build LEGO's. When in doubt, build LEGO's. It's time consuming. Keeps your brain focused on a task. Attention to detail. And sense of accomplishment when you're done.

Response by SSgt Terry P. made Sep 2 at 2016 12:21 PM

2016-09-02T12:21:30-04:00

SPC Nate Lamphier This is a good start ---asking for help.There are people on RP that can point you in the right direction ,but more information is needed.Many of us do care.

Response by SPC Nate Lamphier made Sep 2 at 2016 12:50 PM

2016-09-02T12:50:12-04:00

My bad everyone...I didn't realize that I hit the post button before I typed in the "rest of the story".

Edit has been made.

Response by SrA Chris "Shadow" McGee made Sep 2 at 2016 1:07 PM

2016-09-02T13:07:08-04:00

It took courage to make this step. keep that appointment and take care of you. It took me a long time to reach out, and even longer to get on meds, but currently I live a pretty normal life. I still have off days, but nowhere near as bad as they were. There are always people on here to talk with we are all here to help each other.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 2 at 2016 1:07 PM

2016-09-02T13:07:38-04:00

MilitaryOneSource. Great source for help and advice.

Staying in an unhealthy marriage.....even for the sake of the child....is not healthy for all parties involved.

I still stand by my original statement of LEGO's.

Response by SN Greg Wright made Sep 2 at 2016 1:09 PM

2016-09-02T13:09:53-04:00

I'll tell you right now that staying in a bad marriage 'for the kids' is a terrible idea. Now, I'm NOT telling you to run out and get divorced, because your marriage might not be un-salvageable -- I don't have the info or training to decide that. But if it HAS come to that point, your son growing up watching the constant fighting and bitterness and stress between you two WILL effect him adversely. So, continue to get counseling, continue to try to work things out with her, continue to make things the way you want them, but, if the time comes that you've done everything you can, and it's still not working, do NOT 'stay for the kids'. It's not good for him (them). Ask your counselor about this.

Response by Capt Brandon Charters made Sep 2 at 2016 1:33 PM

2016-09-02T13:33:55-04:00

Nate, I hear you Lima Charlie. You've got your military family here and there are more than a few of us that can relate. I respect you putting your family first and being such a selfless father & husband. There is no shortage of challenges in your way and I'm keeping you in my prayers in hopes you will find clarity. Professionally, follow what you are passionate about. You will make the greatest impact on others and work will be much more than a job. Money, alone, has not bought anyone happiness and I know you have your priorities straight. Keep the balance in your life and look to your friends and family for their thoughts. You're not alone in this!

Response by PVT William Bresch made Sep 3 at 2016 10:18 PM

2016-09-03T22:18:59-04:00

Wife: how can she comment on something he has never done. Love her arrogance that's like, well honey, you were never in any danger, uh ok, were you there. I don't need to be, I'm a Whatever she is...

Honey you need to work two jobs to support me, Oh HELL NO, you need a sugar daddy, oh look a door, BYE !!!

Why hit her, she's beating herself up everyday. apparently, she isn't Happy.

I have set up an appointment with a therapist which felt like a weight off my shoulders. That lasted two days until I received an email from my wife this morning at work jumping my ass for something I had no control over. My invited my wife to come but in her words she "is not the one who needs help" and is not the "source of the problem".

She needs counseling !!! not YOU !!!

I am not suicidal by no means. Although to be completely honest, I do wonder if things would have been better if I would have been one of the two Soldiers who did not return.

I got a better Idea, how about taking her out and then leaving her behind, so she CAN'T RETURN.

Honestly, it sounds like she is pissed and is living off of you, in a dream, she can't fulfill, whatever she is dreaking . she wants more, more, more, then when you kick. she finds another one. you gave it your all, you have done your duty. let her move her ass, she ain't happy, BYE !!!

In my Profession, we call those MONEY SHARKS !!!

When I set up Space X, my wife started her crap and I told her, listen, its me or the door. I pay the bills, and I am taking care of the family Business, you, the kids and me. If your not happy, take your happy ass out the door...

No worries Brah, we got yoh back, tell the Gold Digging Money Shark, either calm down and behave or get on down the road. also, let her know about the internet, if she ain't happy, divorce you and get an old man about to drop and take his money instead of yours. I knew a woman who did that and became a millionaire twice over, freakin Hag !!!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 4 at 2016 4:30 PM

2016-09-04T16:30:12-04:00

Hello Nate. I saw this a few days ago and wanted to give it the appropriate attention and be in the best way to respond.

I am really sorry you are going through all this. My heart goes out to you. I am glad you are going to counseling and that you are doing something that is joyful for you.

Transitioning from the military isn't the only transition people have to grow through. I have a new baby and it changed me quite a little. It changed my marriage. My husband and I have come to realize a lot through our traditions, both separation from the military for both of us, and having a child. Both of us are stubborn and tend to think the other has the problems.

We do a lot of things different now. Both of us are practicing skills in discerning what we observe from what we believe is happening, then looking at other possibilities or choosing how we craft the outcome by taking responsibility for our own assumptions. Part of this is like ATC in MRT. An example of this: He rolled his eyes (this is what happened), I took this as being disrespectful (this is what I believed). I was furious. I recognized that I was furious because of what I believed (and I still believe this was the case). This gave me a moment to pause. I said, "When you just rolled your eyes, what did you want me to know." He told me that he didn't want me to interrupt him. I told him that I will probably interrupt him again, but I will work to do better and told him that I would like him to not roll his eyes because I believe it is disrespectful. What would have been a two hour argument lasted less than three minutes. We still argue but they have gotten shorter.

Another thing that has changed is that I don't expect an apology. I hope for a change of behavior. This usually comes in the form of a specific request. If a specific request is not adequate for some very important reason, I have made demands that are clearly outlined. "If you take our son out the back door again without using bug spray to protect our son, I will scream at you." Then a few weeks later this is exactly one happened. He had no complaint when I reminded him this is what I was going to do. There was no threat to leave or do something that I wasn't going to follow through with. Everything else, I just let go of most of the time. My mind is like a puppy, where I forgive, then forget I forgave, and have to forgive again, like telling a puppy to sit over and over again. Yet I recognize all this is my doing, not his.

Another thing has changed. I started telling my son how awesome he is and all the awesome things he does for us. When I do this, I am building him up in his son's eyes and I am looking at my husband with softer eyes as well. This is like hunt the good stuff in MRT.

I want to tell you what I am doing because what my husband chooses to do effects me but really isn't my business. If I try to force him to recognize his shortcomings and blind spots this is a form of oppression. This isn't to say I don't let him know what role he has in my life, but doing so in a way that I take responsibility for my own emotions. When he thinks everything is my doing, he has always come around to recognize that he has a role too. It used to be that he didn't tell me, but I am in the present with him, rather than the past, and I will notice a behavior change. I have had a string of Soldiers that have been in divorces and marital issues. I have come to say the same when they say "her problem", "she said", "she doesn't". What I repeat over and over is that I am really, really sorry but the only person they have control over is them. This is so painful at first and becomes so empowering later and when it sinks in, a lot of things change.

I am part of an organization that helps people who have lost their direction. http://www.serveprotectheal.com. We have people in many parts of the country. We believe that being a person that is responsible and adaptable takes training, mentorship, and self-cultivation and skills that ultimately help us get out of our own way. We run a series of four camps, the last of which results in a traditional Apache quest and ceremony. This got me out of a dark place and I have been able to help others.

The last year I was in the military I got some help myself. I was also sent to get acupuncture. I was so impressed with how I was able to get angry and let it go, where before I feel like my body clamped down on the movement inside and all I felt was pain. I decided to study Chinese medicine myself. I am an intern at the moment. I have treated people with motivation issues, anxiety, depression, and numerous other issues, with a great deal of success. I tell you this, because I would be willing to find out where you are from and help you find a person in your area that I would give a try if I were there.

I really hope this serves you and if you have questions I am at [login to see] .

Directions - Home

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Response by CPT Earl George made Sep 6 at 2016 8:24 AM

2016-09-06T08:24:01-04:00

the power of prayer

Response by CPT Tom Monahan made Sep 6 at 2016 8:31 AM

2016-09-06T08:31:20-04:00

Keep up with the therapist. It sounds like you do have control of yourself, but you wish your spouse was less negative. Talk with the pros and perhaps some faith based ones too. It does take two to tango. As for yourself, dude you are doing what you set out to do. Good stuff. Now that you accomplished your goal what do you plan to do next. Plan the work and work the plan.

Response by SSG Thomas Gallegos made Sep 6 at 2016 8:33 AM

2016-09-06T08:33:59-04:00

Nate, you wrote this because you needed to get it off your shoulders/chest. You came to a site that is dedicated to Soldiers and Veterans alike. First and foremost I am glad to hear that you are seeking professional help. Congrats on earning your Masters Degree, a huge accomplishment.
From what you write it seems that you are not getting the support at home one would hope to get. You have found a calling that fits you and what you are really about. Your wife and no one else outside the military will ever understand what you have been through or seen with your own eyes.
You were not one of the two Soldiers because it was not your time. I would say that you need to get that out immediately. You are a teacher and a coach and you are helping mentor our future leaders. The best thing you can say though is that you are a father. You have your son to think about and live for. Your marriage may not work out but it wouldn't be the first and most certainly will not be the last.
Continue to seek help because that is what is going to help you. As far as spending 9 hours a day there may be an underlying issue of maybe not spending enough time at home despite this being a stress reliever for you. Also remember that having a Masters degree your wife feels you're "worth more" than being a teacher which we all know is a thankless job. Moreover as you also stated you are in a career field that fits you and that's okay, continue in that field. Remember as much as they say that money makes the world go around, that same feeling you get from helping a student learn in the classroom or an athlete on the field helping lead the team to a championship is what keeps you going.
Keep being the Nate that you know. Be the dad that you want to be to your son. Work on the marriage but ultimately brother if that doesn't work out, it may be best that you all separate and go your own ways. Stay strong, one foot in front of the other and be that leader that you know you can and will continue to be.

Response by SSgt Mark Steed made Sep 6 at 2016 9:56 AM

2016-09-06T09:56:27-04:00

Well, you're still pretty young. Life is full of pressures that you will have no control over, ever. We all have expectations on how things "ought" to be and when they aren't that it can get frustrating. Human nature is to live in the past and future, which isn't an accurate place to be and it brings much suffering. PTSD is strongly rooted in the past and creates a trajectory into the future but, in this exact moment life is almost always OK. There may also be an issue with how you define confidence and who you want to be moving forward. The old paradigm won't work for the you that exist today. Let that go. I would recommend that you read a book called "The Power of Now" by Eckart Tolle. It was a life saving book for me. When you read it you will recognize exactly what's going on in and around you.

Response by PO1 Dennis Grow made Sep 6 at 2016 10:17 AM

2016-09-06T10:17:21-04:00

Nate and Greg, The way I see it, everyone marries the wrong person, no matter who. It is both of your responsibilities to make yourself into the right person. Marriage is a work in progress, and the only way to make a marriage work is work. It starts out with the woman needs to feel love, and the man needs to feel respect. If a man loves a woman and gives her no questions of being loved, she will respect her husband. Wife if you want your husband to truly love you give him respect (more than you think he deserves). A marriage should be viewed like buying an old fixer-upper car. you buy is in planning on spending many hours working on it, giving it what it needs to purr. There will be set backs, and pains of it not starting right up, you do not send the car to junk yard, you keep on working on the solution. Then one day you are driving it around, proud of your effort and willingness to do whatever it takes to get the job done. The same goes for a marriage, work on it, and never give it up. Sometimes you might need to get an outside marriage mechanic to help with some of the more difficult issues. You do whatever it takes, and quitting is NOT an option. (Nov28 will 35 years for my wife and I)

Response by CSM Charles Hayden made Sep 6 at 2016 10:33 AM

2016-09-06T10:33:12-04:00

SPC Nate Lamphier Quietly seek referrals to a successful psychologist. Get a professional opinion on you situation. Therapists do not always connect w/ clients, tread carefully until are satisfied you have a fit who is comparable w/ you.

Personal happiness provides satisfaction and success in life.

If you are unable to cure the problem, remove the problem from your life.

Response by Maj John D Benedict made Sep 6 at 2016 10:45 AM

2016-09-06T10:45:51-04:00

I cannot really add to what has already been said, except this: keep your chin up. God is not done with you yet.

Response by MSG Michael McEleney made Sep 6 at 2016 10:49 AM

2016-09-06T10:49:28-04:00

Run do not walk to see a therapist. Your life and way of living are in peril until you do. Sometimes just talking to someone will help, but professional help is vital. THIS IS A DISABILITY! Albeit an invisible one (until it rears its head). The VA is pretty good about PTSD, your job with the school and your wife's medical job also should cover care in the private sector.

Response by SPC Tim Barclay made Sep 6 at 2016 10:54 AM

2016-09-06T10:54:53-04:00

Nate; I'm a clinical psychologist, professor, researcher, and veteran. I'm also CEO of Collateral Damage Project. (http://www.collateraldamageproject.org). I created a theory that I discuss in a couple books I wrote called the High Capacity Model of Resilience and Well-being. On the outside, it appears you have everything going right. Anyone would look at your life and accomplishments and say, WTF. What's up with that? This seems to me to be a clear case of passions gone awry. What I mean by that is passion (the motivation) for what what we do goes in two directions; harmonious and obsessive. Obsessive passion work from the outside in. Meaning; we do what we do on the outside to make us feel something positive about ourselves on the inside. This is futile and leads to disappointment and burnout as what you're experiencing.

Harmonious passions are the opposite. They work from the inside out. meaning; people do outward behaviors as a result of who they are. They don't need to do them to make them "feel" something about themselves. They already like and love who they are and just fulfill that.

The way out is to give up the pursuit of goals for the sake of bolstering your self-worth and start to recognize your current blessings and start investing in the life of your wife, kids, and students for their sake and what you have to give them to accomplish their dreams and goals. I can see that you're a great guy and have done many great things. Stop living looking through the rear view mirror as if trying to recapture something from the past. Your best years are always ahead my friend. See it that way and live in the present for the sale of the present.

Response by SPC Jimmie Soto made Sep 6 at 2016 11:16 AM

2016-09-06T11:16:32-04:00

I understand how you feel . My girlfriend and her family say I have
to change . Which I have come along
way . She says there's nothing
wrong with her it's all me . I'm always feeling guilty and like crap even doe
I've acomplished a lot . But thanks
for sharing your story lets me know
I'm not alone . God bless brother

Response by Sgt William Straub Jr. made Sep 6 at 2016 11:29 AM

2016-09-06T11:29:11-04:00

Nate, first of all. Thank you for your service. Now reading your post, and keep in mind this is only your side of a big picture, It seems as if you may be letting her comments to friends about your deployment weigh you down. Let me say this about it, BULLSHIT! Any man or woman who deploys is in danger of losing their life, getting severely injured or getting psychological problems because of the inherent danger in your deployment area. Do not disparage your service because of ignorant comments. Your wife sounds like my "EX" wife. There are people, men and women, that regardless of what you do will never be satisfied. I was a husband, that because of my parents getting divorced, wanted to do what ever was necessary to keep my two kids and family together. This in fact, did more harm then good for the kids. I finally had to let my ego go. My ex filed for divorce and as heartbreaking as it was at the time, my God, it was for the absolute best. She sounds like the type of person that doesn't feel complete unless she is making herself look better at the expense of others. You will do both yourself and your son an injustice if you stay in a bad situation. I was very fortunate, after about 10 years of being single again, I met my present wife. She is supportive, loving, and doesn't need to make me look bad to make herself feel better. I have now been married to her for 22 years and together for 23.
Take control of your situation. Make it clear to your wife, that it isn't just your problem but "our" problem. Don't let her demean you. I was glad to see you never got physical. That's great. You don't need to add an arrest to your life. If your son is the only reason you stay, then you are putting a heap of responsibility on that little guys head. Get out, your an honorable veteran. Be proud, and take control of your life again. There is a whole world out there just looking for you.
Go forth and conquer. Good Luck

Response by MSG Roger Mannon made Sep 6 at 2016 12:21 PM

2016-09-06T12:21:45-04:00

I think I may have gone through a similar experience. I retired a Master Sergeant after close to 22 years. After retirement I went school, got a BS in computer science, raised two wonderful kids, worked full time all the time, ended up the head of IT in a couple of multinational companies and none of it mattered. I'd lost the feeling that anything I accomplished was of any importance at all. I was just marking time. I did go to a therapist and stuck with it for close to two years. That was the best thing I ever did for myself. I can't tell you what she did for me - I don't know. What I do know is that, over time, I found myself again. Try it again - stick with it.

Response by CW3 Susan Burkholder made Sep 6 at 2016 12:28 PM

2016-09-06T12:28:53-04:00

Hi Nate, My recommendation: There is a book you can buy from Amazon called "The Mindful Way through Depression; Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness" by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn. You can also purchase a companion workbook and CD. You can also search YouTube to get started. Its only audio. It's from The New Psychology of Depression: What is Depression. You want to look for the one that is from Oxford University and Open Education and Culture. There are four and they are quite long but well worth it.
Well here's one link: https://youtu.be/jRzYnAdrWU4
One thing that is not really clear to me in your question: Are you mostly concerned with your marriage? If you are depressed, I would not make any decisions about your wife or your marriage until you are no longer depressed. Until you have been treated through therapy or some other form of help. I myself have struggled with depression, been through many years of therapy. I love this Mindfulness series and cannot say enough good things about it. Take a look and see if it's right for you.

The New Psychology of Depression: What is Depression?

This video was created from the New Psychology of Depression podcast series: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPdA9zLPgLvHLfValrP74Dgad75dW1v3b Lecture...

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 6 at 2016 12:31 PM

2016-09-06T12:31:10-04:00

Nate, you sound like you are where I was once. You need to take a step back and evaluate everything from your perspective as well as what you think is her perspective.
Then sit down with her and have a heart to heart talk (a real heart to heart talk) and get everything out in the open, especially her REAL perspective and then compare what you thought her perspective is and what it really is.
Then you need figure out, together, where you are and where each of you want to be, and if it is compatible. Then create a plan (together) on how to get there no matter where "there" is. If you continue as you are animosity will build and since most animosity is kept in, it festers and does no good. If counselors are needed, use them. If you continue down the road you are on without taking a turn you are going end up in a bad place. Trust me, I took that road once.

Response by SPC Scott Marcelle made Sep 6 at 2016 12:42 PM

2016-09-06T12:42:43-04:00

bro when I read what you wrote, I thought to myself, I don't remember putting that shit up there for everyone to see! I mean it was like word for word the way things use to be for me. Not that it is all better, but I am finding different ways of dealing with these stressors. do you have a SC disability rating for PTSD. By the sounds of it, you are struggling with the question, "Whats next?" you feel that everything you were proud of accomplishing, means NOTHING TO NO ONE, except yourself. That is not true brother, to the ones that understand what you have went threw you are a Hero, and to the ones that don't understand, well you will never make them understand, you are wasting your time. My thoughts on your situation is, you love your wife, but you love your son more than anything and that's why you are staying with her. She was your rock while deployed and you took care of her while in the service and now she don't appresherate the things you are doing b/c in the service you were a somebody and now that your out,, why are you so special... sorry if I am wrong, or if you cant understand. I tell you want tho, you are a man, b/c I could not do what you did and ask for help from strangers that don't know you and will only judge you, while I have learned those people DONT MATTER! The worst mistake you can make at this time, is giving up your coaching career, b/c if that happens you will resent her until the divorse and it will be TERRIBLE for the next 18yrs. you need to find out what it is you loved about her so much in the past to marry her. People grow up and apart over time and a yr or yrs apart d/t the military helps speed the process of growing apart. So you need to figure out how the things she would say never bothered you in the past and why it bothers you so much now. I think with me is I get pissed off so fast over the stupidest things. and feel like Nothing is a big deal or not that seriously, b/c we know we are blessed to be her3e in the US and what the rest of the world looks like. idk man as I am just rambling as well, I haven't ever responded to anything on here, but when I seen what you wrote, I had to b/c I know what you mean, how you feel and hope that in some way I could help you to understand this is not your fault, you have PTSD and its real and if you don't take control of it now, it will evently eat you up and leave you alone with no friends and no family. with me I would get off work, go home and ice-o-late myself from my family b/c I didn't want to be mean to anyone. I KNOW what it feels like to be getting along with your wife and 2.3 seconds later telling her to get her shit and bounce. altho that's not what I really want, I just want to hurt her feelings, I am doing more damage to her and our relationship and I understand that now. it is hard and will always be hard b/c we are different now. my wife on the other hand has started to help me and understand when I get upset LEAVE ME ALONE, your wife has to understand that, she has to respect the things you have done and if she cant or wont then you and her will never be happy. I WILL tell you this coming from an abusive Father-in-law, parents that are seprated but both happy will have more of a positive affect on him in his life, unlike the ones that stay together for the children, those become the men we are, depressed and angry. I recommd therapy at your local Vet center and if she is not willing to be next to you side by side in you guys upcoming battles its better to fight alone, b/c it hurts 10x more when you special one is the one that stabs you in the back. Bro I am sorry you are dealing with this shit, you are home now and you need to enjoy it, that part of your life is over now and its time to move on to things that once made you happy. there are tons of non-profit groups that will take you and her on trips to reconnect to find that special something that you feel in love with. also and lately if you were to get a SC% you can still work and its tax free, so you will be making the same thing you were while in the service. I know she wont complain when you get that extra money. dude just focus on you and the positive things you have done and will do in life, focus on your son in teaching him to be the best he can be, all while being Superman in his eyes. also let her know you fought for her freedom of speech and that's why she can say the shit she does about you or to you. I think you are a smart dude, bc you know what makes you happy and what doesn't, I believe you know whats best but need someone to tell you what to do, just like you drill sgt did in basic. you are out of the service now and can make desicons on your own. Another thing is spend sometime apart from one another, see if you mean to your wife what she means to you. Until you start to answer your own tuff questions there is nothing anyone else will ever be able to do for you. I DONT KNOW HOW THIS SITE WORKS, BUT I WISH THERE WAS A WAY WE COULD STAY IN CONTACT. good luck bro sorry for sooo much, but I hope somewhere in this message something stands out to you and lets you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE, We are still in this together and we have to adapt and overcome or it will defeat us! Good luck my brother in arms.
Scott

Response by SPC Scott Marcelle made Sep 6 at 2016 12:53 PM

2016-09-06T12:53:54-04:00

nate please confirm you were able to read my response. I have NEVER commented on here b/f and I wrote soo damn much that, im get pissed if you didn't get a chance to read it after I spent that much time writing it... lol

Response by Sgt Teri Kemp made Sep 6 at 2016 1:41 PM

2016-09-06T13:41:55-04:00

Son, I have walked that path - in a little different way, but I have done the walk. I am now divorced with 2 kids, working 2 jobs but still loving life and beginning to turn things around. I'd prefer to take this offline, but here's a bit of something...keep going to therapy if you think it helps YOU. You cannot force someone into it because all they will do is resent you and lie anyway. Keep up with your hunting/fishing/ coaching - it makes you happy and may in a few years, ease the tension with your wife. Hang tough with your disappointments but enjoy your little one. There may be a time later you may have to go separate ways, but hang tough long as you can. I got divorced and now, 5 years later, wish I'd have stayed even though he has some issues and irresponsible dingbat.
let me know if you want to let loose and vent.

Response by PO1 Robert Johnson made Sep 6 at 2016 2:16 PM

2016-09-06T14:16:20-04:00

My first observation is that you seem to place great importance on Achievement. Throughout your entire post I found only one reference to happiness. In 4 sort years you have accomplished many goals but I don't see or hear much Joy from them. I believe that you have, for whatever reason, set yourself up on a collision course with a brick wall.
It is pretty obvious that you have had and will continue to have marital problems that seem to occupy your thoughts to your detriment. Those problems need to be addressed soon. Seek help from the clergy, physician or mental health professional. If she won't go with you or by herself, go on your own, but go. Do not go in to it looking for a preconceived resolution, it probably won't happen.
My last recommendation is to back out of one or two things that take up so much of your time so that you have some "You Time" to do the things that make you happy and try to include her if possible.

In my opinion you don't have a confidence problem, you have a too busy life problem.

Response by SGT Breandan Heiliger made Sep 6 at 2016 3:38 PM

2016-09-06T15:38:37-04:00

Nate,
Great job for reaching out! It is a small, but very significant step forward.

It shows great humility. The humble have the capacity to learn how to be better.

The one thing that I wanted to suggest is that when seeking help be sure to speak to people who have been successful in the matter at hand.

If you have trouble in your marriage, speak to every man you know that has a successful marriage.
Be sure that your therapist has a successful marriage. If they don't, stop immediately and get a therapist who does.

I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Response by LCpl Domingo Ariza made Sep 6 at 2016 7:10 PM

2016-09-06T19:10:55-04:00

I read your post and i received it with empathy, as I read on I notice that my empathy turned to anger, don't get me wrong we (the troops) struggle with real life slapping the crap out of us when we get out of the military. But really I don't see how you have it so bad, you have a job and from the sounds of it you are doing well, the wife thing well...... it happens for me it was four times before i got it right and even then i wonder. You say you are not sure why you are venting on the internet and I think I may have the answer, you may be looking for tough love and you came to the right place; I will give you this advise for free after this it will cost you: go see a shrink but foremost pull up those man panties and quit crying! I am not a heartless bastard my friend I know those guys that nibble on the end of a barrel and you have nothing on them but maybe being scared of reality. You want to be happy 100% of the time then do this - seek out those troops with real mental issues and help them be there for them when you get the call at 0230 and need to talk them down, then and only then will you relies you have it awesome and the world for you isn't that bad. This is my final word " Just when you think you have it bad there are those that have it worst" if you remember that you will make it and there won't be anything you cant handle.

Response by SSgt Michael Hacker made Sep 6 at 2016 7:47 PM

2016-09-06T19:47:44-04:00

Other than some of the specifics, this sounds like I could've written parts of it over the years since I got out. I feel for you. Still working to dig myself out of some of the darkness and injuries. Feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to chat with.

Response by CPT Chris Newport made Sep 6 at 2016 8:29 PM

2016-09-06T20:29:36-04:00

First of all, hang tough, you are still that Man in your heart and no one can take it away from you. I suggest getting back into the runs and spending time in the woods alone. Join the Reserves, an Abn outfit. Just KNOW, its not gone, its just become a bit fuzzy in this soft civilian world. Decide that you are a Soldier, in uniform or out, and NO ONE can take it from you. Hang out with Vets too; it may help.

Response by LTC Matthew Robinson made Sep 6 at 2016 8:38 PM

2016-09-06T20:38:42-04:00

Nate, in many ways your story echoes mine. Seek the professional help you need to regain your bearings and, hopefully, save your marriage. I had to make a series of visits to the chaplain after a particularly painful deployment. Also, keep in mind that your service is something that the vast majority, and I do mean vast, cannot begin to understand. Soldier through these internal challenges, get the appropriate help. I returned to school to get my masters at the ripe old age of 49. My students, and most of my professors could not relate to my experiences, but they did express admiration for my accomplishments. I now teach English and social studies and am fairly well adjusted. Always remember that you have done and seen more than most. Those experiences come with blessings and challenges. Maximize the blessings and minimize the challenges.

Response by CN John Edwards made Sep 6 at 2016 8:43 PM

2016-09-06T20:43:06-04:00

Amigo I can totally understand your situation. I from the time I was 7 never had any doubt I was going to join the military. My whole childhood was spent preparing for it, but just two years into my enlistment situations forced me to take a hardship separation. I was devastated and dealing with a loved one with terminal cancer. Needless to say I was a wreck and my confidence was shot so I can empathize with u. Though you seem to be more together than I was i shut down for years and became antisocial, but eventually things got better and now I might not feel as confident as when I had hundreds of thousands of fellow uniformed service men and women watching my back, but it did for get better for me and it will for u as well I hope this helpd

Response by TSgt Alejandro Cuervo made Sep 6 at 2016 9:12 PM

2016-09-06T21:12:32-04:00

Nate,
I have to say, it take a lot of courage to publish your personal problems but reading all the responses from other service members. This reminded me how service members whether still servicing or retired always look out for each other. Like many have written, keep going to therapy, don't give up on yourself or your family. My prayers as many others here, will always be with you and your family.

Response by SGT Robert Junior made Sep 6 at 2016 10:05 PM

2016-09-06T22:05:15-04:00

This what I am doing, despite the screaming for medical marijuana and the other people who have not served trying to put in Behavioral Health as totally insaneRobert Xavier Betancourt Junior
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+ [login to see] 69
Saturday, July 23, 2016

TOO bad you hate disabled people which the IOC said you did not support Para olympics.
Here is your Sixteen Dollars that you wanted so badly. Thanks for using my medicare payment to 248 a month by supporting SB 2051.
What Salton Sea and LA 2024 could mean in Paraolympic Sailing
Paraolympic comes from two words Para (Greek for like) and olympic for fair sport.
In this case Sailing is controlled
sport with accessible by all. Meaning there
is no advantage but the sailor. This all goes to even the coaches and the
Care givers who can not assist in the event but offer care and make a script
for the sailor to follow. In this case there are three times as many participants
as a regular olympics and there are twice as many sailors in the event
versus a regular sailing event.
Since there are eighteen classes of sailing in the olympics versus five in the paraolympic;
there must be a goal to have as many classes in a National Disabled or regular
regatta to find out who is the
best sailors. One manufacturer stands out and
is Hansa Sailing. These boats are 2.03 wide and single, 3.03 meter wide and single,
Liberty, and SKUD#18 which makes at six boats in each class according to
ruling in 2015 at a minimum of 36 boats with eighteen more for Sonar 2.4 and
martin 16.
Recently, the Bay Area Association wants to retire three liberties to upgrade their fleet.
This could be a welcome addition to

Challenged America and open the door
to a circuit which I have been trying to complete with the addition of reviving
the DAS North Shore Yacht Club now belonging to Desert Regional
Recreation at 99915 Sea View Drive Mecca California.
This project Salton Sea now requires the election of Tim Sheridan 42nd Congressional District;
reelection of Congressman Raul Ruiz MD Ca 36th, 42nd Assembly district
Greg Rodriguez, 67th Assembly district Jorge Lopez, and 75th Assembly district
(Jamul) Andrew Masiel ( first Native American if elected Perchanga). All these
and more have endorsed this
project which could set up a circuit in
California to create a broad choice of possible paraolympic sailors
and also create a new pool of Junior sailors along with yacht club
members as their sailor advances. I think this would be welcome
addition to California ake the possibility olympic training Centers
not in Florida by in San Francisco-San Diego-and Salton Sea
creating new pool of potential well rounded sailors.

Response by CPO Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 6 at 2016 11:00 PM

2016-09-06T23:00:39-04:00

Meditate. Try it. Every day. You have to stick with it. Maybe you're a full cup, and as such it can be hard to see the answer from the same place that you are asking the question.
Use meditation as a tool to increase your mental fitness. Train your mind to be calm but resilient like you would train your muscles with weights in the gym.
Also, meditation aside, treat the information that you put in your brain like food. Have a healthy diet: A good book or a TED talk is like brain protein whereas Facebook and garbage tv is like candy.

Response by CDR Vic Monzon made Sep 6 at 2016 11:09 PM

2016-09-06T23:09:56-04:00

Nate. I certainly have no medical background...but I have lived a long time. First of all, you ARE VERY accomplished. Only a very small percentage of the population earns a Masters Degree. Just the accomplishments you mentioned are very significant. And as an Educator, you are in one of the most respected professions...shaping our children. Inspiring your team to excellence is probably an offshoot of your military experience Leading high performing Teams.

Sadly, I most strongly believe you need to be out of that marriage...but still maintain shared custody of your son. As I see it, your wife is the root cause of most of your dilemma. Most any married military person knows his spouse is a critical support element. This hold true during the transition to civilian life. (BTW, I was married at 18, divorced at 20, and remarried at 22...and still married after 45 years).

As I see it, other than her, you have made an INCREDIBLY successful return to the civilian world. It seems almost every action you say she has taken has underminded your achievements. It almost seems like she has a control issue and doesn't want you to have success that would rival hers. She has the small mind thinking of the Zero Sum Gain... that if person A is to be successful, it can only be at the loss of person B. In reality, BOTH of you could thrive... if only she would support... or at least not snipe at you.

Of course, I dont have her side of the story, but given your "facts" thats how I call it.

I hope this helps. You are doing INCREDIBLY well...notwithstanding her detractions.

Regards,

Vic (E5/O5)

Response by LCpl Todd Houston made Sep 7 at 2016 7:30 AM

2016-09-07T07:30:22-04:00

That you for your candor. No matter what, married or not, there simply has to be respect, honesty and boundaries. You need to tell her exactly how you feel and that these 3 things must be maintained at all costs. If she won't, leave her. It will only get worse for your son as the marriage gets more toxic. Ten years from now your ten year old son will not know why you are fighting, just that you are. That will have a profound effect on him (and you). You need be honest with her if you have any hope of fixing this. I truly commend you on you actions thus far. PTSD is a bitch.

Response by CSM Kim Thomas Michalowski, CSM (R) made Sep 7 at 2016 7:38 AM

2016-09-07T07:38:24-04:00

First. You should look at what you have accomplished. Masters Degree, teacher and successful coach. Those are wonderful achievements. I can feel your pain. My wife and I didn't skyways get along. Through my seeing a PTSD counselor I learned to communicate better. I would continue that. Keep offering it to her. Your son needs his fisher, so hang in there and work on improving your marriage. Understand in it is not you. A lot of women think women's Lib think that is emasculating the man. Unfortunately it sounds like you have one of those. Keep positive in your relationship with her and show your son what a good man is. Teach him baseball, hunting and be a role model. That is what you should stress now. My wife and I got through our youth time and have been married 42 years. Hang know there. Biggest thing is control your temper. Don't give her the fuel for her fire. Show her love and hopefully she will make the change herself. Not easy I know but for me it is worth it.

Response by MSG Mark White made Sep 7 at 2016 8:49 AM

2016-09-07T08:49:25-04:00

Have you sought counseling for PTSD either at the VA or private. Have you applied to any source like the Wounded Warrior project for veterans.

Response by SGT Monica Brooks made Sep 7 at 2016 10:50 AM

2016-09-07T10:50:56-04:00

Good morning.
First, I wanted to tell you that I appreciate that you would confide in your military brothers and sisters about what you are feeling and going through. You expressed your frustration and fear clearly and I wanted to reach out.
I find it inspiring that you set out to accomplish you goals and that you are able to work in a career that you enjoy.
As far as your marriage goes, I normally do not discuss my past in such a public forum but maybe my experience can help. I was married for many years to my now ex-husband. We were together for 15 years. In those years, we went from the best of friends to complete strangers. I became cold and distant and hurt him by marginalizing his accomplishments; we divorced. I battled post partum depression and didn't know that until I started therapy years later. Though it is not the same for everyone, he and I are learning to be friends again for our children. We needed to take our disappointments away from our family unit and focus just on raising our children. Our kids are happier and we are more relaxed when we interact.
Therapy was very useful and I have learned some valuable life lessons from it. I am a much calmer person and am much happier now that I better understand the issues I face. I still attend counseling on a regular basis because I like knowing that I can put words to my fears and confide in someone who has my best interest in mind. It is a safe place from judgment. I work in an environment that is emotionally draining and heartbreaking and the emotional toll tends to be quite high. The turnover rate in my field is high because we come in contact with some of the nastier sides to human behavior.
My heart breaks for you and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Response by SGT Mary G. made Sep 7 at 2016 12:10 PM

2016-09-07T12:10:52-04:00

As a fellow veteran I probably should be more timid about stating my opinion because of being female, but I will state it anyway. I sympathize because I know how damaging constant undeserved criticism can be. It has the potential to feel like undeserved character defamation.
Living with constant criticism when someone else wants to make your decisions for you, and is more or less angry at you for not wanting your personal progress decision making to defer to them, is a hell of a way to live.
It deprives you of nearly every opportunity to enjoy the fulfillment of your accomplishments, and oftener than not you develop a mistrust then a dislike for that person accompanied by a conflicting feeling of guilt Not only does it damage self-confidence, especially because it is the attitude of a spouse with whom you have shared and continue to expect to share a trusting and loving relationship, it will eventually also damage your child's confidence by stifling your child's ability to make good decisions . . . unless the person doing the constant criticizing makes some permanent changes in attitude for the better.

Response by LCpl Steve Smith made Sep 7 at 2016 2:26 PM

2016-09-07T14:26:00-04:00

SPC Nate Lamphier A few things man. Have you sat her down and had the Heart to Heart Conversation with her? Did you straight out ask her what her issue is with you? Next is, Have you ever been evaluated for P.T.S.D.? If you haven't I recommend you Talk to your General Practitioner Doctor about getting tested ( extremely important). Remember you are not alone in feeling that there was a loss of the confidence one once had when serving and wanting to regain it.
As you have seen all the Great Responses of Ideas and Support from your brothers and sisters here and it looks like we ALL agree that you did right thing by getting therapy and that you should continue. Remember Rally Point is here to help Military Personnel connect and help each other with their issues because we all have something unique in common.

Response by SPC Nate Lamphier made Sep 7 at 2016 2:46 PM

2016-09-07T14:46:28-04:00

Thanks everyone for the replies. I wanted to reply and stay on top of this thread more but with the long weekend I wasn't around a computer as often as I would have liked. I have my first appointment on Friday of this week with a private provider. From my understanding it will just be a basic initial meeting and will branch out from there.

Again, appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and provide their personal stories. It does mean a lot. I'll keep you posted as I move on through the process.

Response by LTC George Morgan made Sep 8 at 2016 11:38 AM

2016-09-08T11:38:38-04:00

Earnt a Masters; Obtained a good teaching position; Coached a team to a Conference Championship and concluded all these successes with Fatherhood. TYhe latter of which is going to need your confidence more than you know.
Think back on your achievements as a SPC Nate. What did you do to earn that rank? What did you do in your MOS? You were then, and you most certainly are now, a magnificent success!

So what is the concern now? I should like to make a few off the cuff observations, but feel it appropriate to bring it all down to one common denominator: Responsibility. Right now you are in responsibility overload, just sit and look at all you do. I am not privy to your service history but I ask myself, "Was he ever deployed?" Thus: Could there be an element of PTSD? "Did he leave the Military before achieving his personal goals?" Also a cause of PTSD but more likely a sense of frustration: This one I doubt just by looking at your amazing achievements since disengagement.
You have done much to further your education. Congratulations!

BUT: It is obvious that just by asking this question you know that you need help! So switch on, tune in, put your self pride in front of you instead of behind and go ask for an appointment with a counselor at the VA. You earnt it, go use it. You will not be sorry! Good luck. I look forward to hearing of your positive future!

Response by PO2 Lemual Martin made Sep 8 at 2016 1:05 PM

2016-09-08T13:05:38-04:00

My marriage ended two years after I separated from the Navy. Spent time unemployed used savings the ex kept spending all the money no matter how much there was. She split after she found a new lover. I lost the house... 2 vehicles had a shit job that I lost found another... Been having a rough time myself but it is getting better. I had to make a fresh start, just had to take the first step.

Response by CWO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 8 at 2016 7:52 PM

2016-09-08T19:52:54-04:00

Nate, in my personal opinion I would highly recommend that you go to any Vet Center in your area. Why you asked? Next have a good sit down with your spouse. Ask her if she would like to assist you with your baseball team, if not find something interesting that you both like, then do it. Again I recommend you seek assistance with anyone else who you can trust. Right now it seems to me that it's a one way street. There's got to be a good reason for how your spouse is reacting to you in everything that you do. Sounds like you're good person who is trying to make ends meet. This Marines opinion, seek help any where. Get help not only for you but especially for her. I hope you reach out. I hope that other's here on RP does the same.
Semper Fidelis,
J.K.Kaupe

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 9 at 2016 12:13 PM

2016-09-09T12:13:18-04:00

How does one recover lost confidence? ...One day at a time. It comes naturally when you feel proud of yourself and what you're currently doing in life; the decisions you are making now. It appears that you are most comfortable when you keep yourself busy helping others and teaching younglings. Keeping your mind active on helping others can also be a distraction from focusing on your own needs for improvement, and at the end of the day, when there's nobody else around, you have only yourself/your issues to focus on. That can get depressing, especially if you beat yourself up for self-identified shortcomings. It helps you to be a person that others can look up to for good information and sound advice, but you just wish your wife could more readily see the value of your words and observations. You are a respectable human being, and your desire to be a helpful person speaks to that. Now, how can you allow yourself to let that be good enough, yet still keep up the inner work necessary to improve the areas you need more training in? Namely that you have trouble expressing yourself. Without meaningful expression, you cannot maintain healthy boundaries, and then you can expect that others (& spouse) will walk all over you and then disrespect you for allowing yourself to be walked on. I'm speaking from experience here. In the past I never allowed myself to be angry, but I had to recognize the constructivity

Response by SA Jim Arnold made Sep 10 at 2016 1:20 AM

2016-09-10T01:20:10-04:00

Never forget who you are

Response by SSG Tom Pike made Sep 13 at 2016 10:36 AM

2016-09-13T10:36:36-04:00

1. Glad you are seeing a therapist, keep going.
I agree that you are probably having some PTSD, if your wife is a medical person she should be able to understand this. I really really think your wife needs to attend some therapy sessions too. For a couple to stay together it takes effort on the part of both of them.

On the other hand some of it just sounds like normal marriage crap. I've been married 28 years. There have been some rough times over the years. Really try to focus on what brought the two of you together. Remember there was a point where you loved her enough to pledge that you would stay with her forever. Try to rediscover that place. In my case as a young single man one of the things I prayed for was that God would let me know when I met the right woman. When I asked my wife to marry me nothing has ever felt more right to me. So when we hit a tough spot and start to argue over something or when we find ourselves kind of drifting apart, I just have to bring myself back 29 years to that point.

Response by SPC Nate Lamphier made Oct 7 at 2016 10:49 AM

2016-10-07T10:49:19-04:00

Hey everyone! Thanks again for all the advice that has been shared. I just thought I should update everyone. I meant to do this a few weeks ago but got sidetracked. Anyways, things are definitely better than they were. I have had three sessions with a counselor that have gone well. We are doing a type of therapy that is called EMDR. I wasn't sure how it was going to go at first but I haven't been nearly as down as I was before so whether it is that, the fact I'm talking to someone or whatever, I'll take it. I was prescribed a medication that if I tried to spell it I'd butcher it so I won't even try. It was prescribed by my family doctor and it was a low dosage medication that has some minor possible side affects (head ache etc), none of which I have experienced...which is good.
I know I'm early into this process but like I said, I have noticed positive changes. One big one being that I don't take everything so personal which results in me getting pissed off. I can now process things and then respond in a non-pissed off way. The other thing is that I have found myself getting excited about things again. Both of which are good things in progressing through to a healthy life again.
I really do appreciate all the advice and so forth that I received on here.

Response by SGM Mikel Dawson made Oct 7 at 2016 11:05 AM

2016-10-07T11:05:49-04:00

One thing understand you're no different than many of us. When I retired I felt lost, no more goals. By no means am I qualified to give advice, but here's what I think. Are you a member of the VFW? If I was you, I'd get to a VFW and get involved with Brother/Sisters who understand what you have to say. One thing I know, no matter what you did, you will never be the same person who deployed. We all changed. I denied PTSD for 12 years, and finally got some help because I was backed in a corner. I never figured I had it, we are not the ones who know. Get some focus. Look for some short term goals and long term goals. These will help focus your thoughts. And remember we, your Brother/Sisters are here for your support. USE US.

Response by SPC Lee Burner made May 13 at 2019 6:51 PM

2019-05-13T18:51:55-04:00

Brother the only people who will ever understand you and your service are other people who have served. Connect with them as often as you can and find comfort in those lasting relationships. People don’t get it and people can be disrespectful don’t let them take away your joy. PTSD is a real thing even for those of us who haven’t been in combat I spent several years in the military and after I got out I struggled with the thought of I could of done more and I hit some very low points in my life. I almost committed suicide and at one point. Then I started making changes I realized I couldn’t make everyone else happy even those I loved wouldn’t not be happy with me all the time and I started trying to better my situation. I also took up hunting and go out shooting when I need to reconnect with my military identity, I also started training mma to get some of the aggression out. I think if your reaching out your making the right decision because some battles you can’t fight alone and I know for a fact that a lot of soldiers like myself felt isolated and alone after getting out especially those who spent a lot longer in uniform. Anyway I guess I’m just trying to say it’s all perspective you got to be what you want in this life because if your waiting for others to be it for you then you’ll be left waiting. Give what you have to give and make small steps to improve your situation. Don’t take the disrespect stand up for yourself and set healthy boundaries and if people cross them then there have to be consequences. Don’t fight alone though and if your struggling with suicide or negative thoughts get on the phone and call a trusted army friend. They are your real family. I’m closer to my army friends than I am to my own biological brothers you just go through so much shit together that it bonds you in a way that can’t be broken. Anyway feel better man and lift that chin, don’t take no shit, have self respect, and be to yourself what you need in this life.