What are your best Military jokes?

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 27 Jan 2015 10:22:00 -0500

Bonus Points if they are about Engineers.

I will be participating in my BN's Sapper Blast (Think Prop Blast/Spur Ride for engineers). 3 jokes are required. Lets hear some good ones!

Response by MSgt Michael Durkee made Jan 27 at 2015 11:41 AM

MSgt Michael Durkee — Tue, 27 Jan 2015 11:41:03 -0500

How do you drive an engineer completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map
the wrong way.

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 1 at 2015 6:09 PM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 01 Feb 2015 18:09:33 -0500

Here's a page of 'em, CPT Private RallyPoint Member:

http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/engineer-nerd-jokes-t21833.html

I like that first one. Very funny!

Engineer (Nerd) Jokes - Forum

Engineer Jokes Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker. Q: What do enginee

Response by Sgt Martin V. made Feb 1 at 2015 6:53 PM

Sgt Martin V. — Sun, 01 Feb 2015 18:53:15 -0500

What's the difference between a PFC and a 2nd Lt ?

One's been promoted. Womp womp!

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 1 at 2015 7:01 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 01 Feb 2015 19:01:15 -0500

Here's one I tell. When you're at MEPS and fail the ASVAB, they show you a picture of a picket pounder, concertina wire, a shovel, and a rifle. If you can successfully identify 3 out of 4 items they sign you up as a combat engineer.

Response by Cpl Anthony Pearson made Feb 2 at 2015 8:56 PM

Cpl Anthony Pearson — Mon, 02 Feb 2015 20:56:02 -0500

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis "S.O.B.s".

Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters."

The enraged Isis commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There's two of them."

Response by Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS made Feb 3 at 2015 1:07 PM

Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS — Tue, 03 Feb 2015 13:07:18 -0500

What's more dangerous than a LT with a map? A Capt with a Plan.

What's more dangerous than a Capt with a Plan? A Maj with a Pen.

Response by PO2 Steven Erickson made Feb 3 at 2015 1:24 PM

PO2 Steven Erickson — Tue, 03 Feb 2015 13:24:26 -0500

Here's my favorite engineer joke. Not military, but...

A wife sends her engineer husband to the store. "Get a gallon of milk. And if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The husband comes home with... you guessed it... a dozen gallons of milk!

If you don't get the joke, you're an Engineering Free Zone...

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 18 at 2015 8:39 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 18 Feb 2015 20:39:04 -0500

@1LT Brian Brantley Not much of a joke, just a fact.

Crabs over castles.

Response by SGT Mark Sullivan made Feb 24 at 2015 11:29 PM

SGT Mark Sullivan — Tue, 24 Feb 2015 23:29:55 -0500

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don?t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase ?secure the building?. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy

Seals vs. Green Beret

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret's boot and spit in it.

When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?"

Q: How many West Point plebes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a second year course.

A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for
the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"

The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do
you think of, Sergeant?"

"I think somebody stole the damn tent."

Response by SPC Elijah J. Henry, MBA made Mar 7 at 2015 9:14 AM

SPC Elijah J. Henry, MBA — Sat, 07 Mar 2015 09:14:38 -0500

What if most of the homeless veterans you see are actually LT's lost on a land nav exercise?

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 12 at 2015 5:13 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 17:13:08 -0400

The best military joke, as far as Air Force is concerned? That's easy:

Congratulations! You're going to Minot. You're going to love it!

Response by COL Randall C. made Mar 12 at 2015 11:41 PM

COL Randall C. — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 23:41:06 -0400

Why is a chem light the best possible tool for an engineer?

It only has one part and you have to break it to make it to work.

Response by SP5 Joel O'Brien made Jun 19 at 2017 10:38 AM

SP5 Joel O'Brien — Mon, 19 Jun 2017 10:38:05 -0400

The young 2nd Lieutenant approached the crusty old Chief Master Sgt. and asked him about the origin of officers' insignias.
"Well, Lieutenant, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable but malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant represents more value but less malleable.
When you make Captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.
As a Colonel, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As a General, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"
"Yes, but...what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"
"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even.
You see, we've always put leaves on our pricks!"