What are the primary reasons that we as Combat Veterans don't talk to civilians about our experiences?

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 14:36:13 -0500

The purpose of this survey is to get a better understanding of the reason(s) fellow Combat Veterans don't talk about experiences openly with our civilian counterparts. I participate in a Toastmasters group in my hometown and am giving a speech on this subject next Wednesday. I'd like to give my civilian friends a better understanding of why we make our choices and how they can help!

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Mar 11 at 2016 2:37 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 14:37:44 -0500

Most civilians do not give rats ass enough for a meaningful conversation.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 11 at 2016 2:38 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 14:38:28 -0500

Talking to someone about something they can't relate to and/or can't understand is a pain and quickly comes to feel like a waste of time. - my 2c

Response by PO3 Steven Sherrill made Mar 11 at 2016 2:46 PM

PO3 Steven Sherrill — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 14:46:06 -0500

As a non combat veteran, I would not try to talk to a combat veteran about the experiences. There is still no common frame of reference.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Mar 11 at 2016 2:56 PM

CAPT Kevin B. — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 14:56:20 -0500

Chalk me up in the one sided conversation category, hence I don't do it. When pestered I just say the MIL thing is something I've moved on with and don't find it particularly interesting to revisit (with you). So if the pester continues, it will eventually morph into stuff you wouldn't understand well, hence wastes my time. I recall a few times in my life where I had to really drop the hammer. Then the idiot tries to make it about you but remember you can't argue with an idiot.

Response by SSG Ed Mikus made Mar 11 at 2016 3:01 PM

SSG Ed Mikus — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 15:01:41 -0500

They don't understand

Response by SGT Terry Ryan made Mar 11 at 2016 4:25 PM

SGT Terry Ryan — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 16:25:38 -0500

Because fuck civilians . They can't relate

Response by SGT Michael Heffner made Mar 11 at 2016 4:37 PM

SGT Michael Heffner — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 16:37:07 -0500

Most people don't understand... Were a special breed. We all joined for are own reasons. But others who haven't been there & done that, Just don't get it...The Bond formed in military & those in combat even more. Becaused we've walled in each other's boots.

Response by SPC David S. made Mar 11 at 2016 5:27 PM

SPC David S. — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 17:27:12 -0500

Kind a like talking about sex at the church picnic. Wrong place, wrong crowd, wrong topic.

Response by COL Jim Kohlmann made Mar 11 at 2016 9:08 PM

COL Jim Kohlmann — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 21:08:28 -0500

Too hard to explain, if they don't have the frame of reference of service and the shared experience under extreme stress. Policemen and firefighters will get it, but not many others.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 11 at 2016 9:15 PM

Sgt Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 21:15:02 -0500

If they ask, I will tell civilians that I served in Vietnam. I will not talk to them about my combat experiences because they would not be interested or understand.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 11 at 2016 10:16 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 22:16:55 -0500

I'm not sure what there is to talk about or how a conversation would come up. I can see it with very close friends or family, those who are interested and care about you as a person. But just in terms of discussing combat with civilians in general, I don't really see how it would come up much. I know many of the WWII vets never talked about their combat experience, even with family. Even though I was in the Army, my dad never discussed anything he did in WWII or Korea until I had retired and he was 85. Even then he told me almost nothing. His friends that served were the same way.

Response by SGM Mikel Dawson made Mar 12 at 2016 3:44 AM

SGM Mikel Dawson — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 03:44:57 -0500

I've read most of the posts and have to agree with most - civilians don't understand. It's a waste of time to talk in a one sided conversation, to get the fake sympathy. So many today have no idea what service to country and others is all about. Like stated, police, firemen, EMTs will understand, but other than that -

Response by SGT Angel Gonzalez made Mar 12 at 2016 6:04 AM

SGT Angel Gonzalez — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 06:04:22 -0500

Talking about an experience to someone that may or may not understand the situation. To me is pointless. I understand they may be courious or just want to help, but sometimes things are best not talked about.

Response by CPT Jim Schwebach made Mar 12 at 2016 1:13 PM

CPT Jim Schwebach — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 13:13:00 -0500

It's kind of like that GEICO commercial where Jane turns to the chimp and asks where the waterfall is.

Response by MCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 13 at 2016 1:49 AM

MCPO Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 13 Mar 2016 01:49:16 -0500

The primary reason I don't like to talk about it is because civilians truly have ZERO clue about what we have seen and done, and don't have a frame of reference to be able to relate to what I am discussing. It's like we speak a completely different language and we have to translate everything we say to them for them to understand... and I'm not even talking about jargon or the alphabet-soup we use... it's our day-to-day life that is foreign to civilians.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 14 at 2016 1:41 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 14 Mar 2016 13:41:41 -0400

I have found that most simply want a war story. I do not want to try to explain one to someone with no background of understanding so I find ways to make polite responses without going into detail. I understand they are curious if it is like the movies or what it is like so I do not get upset with them when they ask. Some do ask legit questions about the people and the culture and if the news stories are accurate. Them I do my best to explain. But I can quickly tell those looking to hear a war story and those truly interested in learning/understand.

Response by SGT Joshua Young made Mar 14 at 2016 3:56 PM

SGT Joshua Young — Mon, 14 Mar 2016 15:56:52 -0400

Most civilians have some fantasized version of what they want to hear from you before you even talk so no need to kindle it. Let them think what they want.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 14 at 2016 9:22 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 14 Mar 2016 21:22:07 -0400

Most won't understand, some refuse to understand or will debate things that you saw with your own two eyes, and others mean well but you don't want to scare or burden them with the thoughts of the things you have witnessed.

Response by SGT Stefan Humphrey made Mar 14 at 2016 10:29 PM

SGT Stefan Humphrey — Mon, 14 Mar 2016 22:29:32 -0400

I spent most of my time as an Infantryman, I don't have civilian counterparts, who in the civilian world voluntarily spends that much time doing nothing, but waiting? I picked up garbage on the division clean up days, cleaned weapons that hadn't been fired, and just trained for war. We didn't have day jobs as it were, we didn't process paperwork, didn't fix things, didn't work at the hospital taking x-rays , we waited for someone to need and a** stomping, then we went and did our job. Then we came back, and the cycle started again do PT, PMCS a vehicle, go to the range, repeat until another a** stomping is needed. Who can an infantryman talk to, another infantryman, maybe the cowgirls over in the Calvary, maybe the tankers, but what civilian profession can I have a comparison ??

Response by CAPT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 14 at 2016 10:39 PM

CAPT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 14 Mar 2016 22:39:55 -0400

Because, they get bored. So, it is important they know about it, but not necessarily hear details about it.

Response by SrA Jerry Prizevoits made Mar 15 at 2016 10:44 AM

SrA Jerry Prizevoits — Tue, 15 Mar 2016 10:44:20 -0400

They would never understand military life period.

Response by SFC Marcus Belt made Mar 15 at 2016 9:18 PM

SFC Marcus Belt — Tue, 15 Mar 2016 21:18:29 -0400

Because the conversation starts out one of two ways:
Civilian: "Did you ever kill anybody???"
Me:"No, but I hurt someone's feelings once."

Or:
Civilian: "Combat must be AWFUL! It's so sad you had to go through that!"
Me: "Actually, I'm cool with the combat part. It's the stuff leading up to it that gets tiresome."
Civilian:"?!?!?!?!?!"

It's a no win. How long would it take to explain that I'm not brave, it just never crosses my mind that I could get REALLY jacked up until AFTER the danger is past and I'm back home in the comfort of my house? How long would it take to explain that I volunteered, and then volunteered again, and then volunteered AGAIN (enlisted, Airborne, ARSOF) because I felt that I could contribute? And how long would it take to understand that an Army that never fights is like a football team that never plays: it doesn't make sense?

So, if asked, I don't lie: yes, I've been to combat, yes, I've come under hostile fire, and thank you for your appreciation and concern.

Response by SFC William Swartz Jr made Mar 16 at 2016 10:03 AM

SFC William Swartz Jr — Wed, 16 Mar 2016 10:03:27 -0400

I have found that many that have no understanding at all of the military or very off-base beliefs based upon what they have seen in movies...after a while of trying to talk to them I reach the point where my head wants to explode and it's better to just stop lol. Also with some of the stupid questions that one gets asked it's better not to get into the discussions in the first place IMO.

Response by CW4 Leonard White made Jun 12 at 2016 2:36 PM

CW4 Leonard White — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 14:36:11 -0400

Just about all the comments on this subject I agree with...civilians can't relate, don't try to understand, they think it's like the freakin' movies.

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Apr 22 at 2018 10:24 PM

SGM Bill Frazer — Sun, 22 Apr 2018 22:24:12 -0400

1. They don't understand- 2. We tend to have "gallows" humor-3. It distresses them. 4- After surviving a conflict you don't give a damn about their car getting a flat, lil johnnie peeing on the tree, etc.

Response by Cpl Frank Hartman made Jul 18 at 2019 8:49 PM

Cpl Frank Hartman — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 20:49:54 -0400

I just don't fit in the civilian world, I miss the military tribe! When you're in combat and your mind is focused so hard on constant danger looking after your brother's in arms and now that time is gone you miss it! I look at the real world and think everyone is a bunch of dumb fucks especially American society today with all the nitpicking bullshit going on especially social media! I try to stay away from people because theres always some dumb ass that trys to push your buttons and I don't want to end up in jail! That great urge to kick someone in their teeth is always there but its better to walk away! One of my buddies from iraq is in prison for cutting his friends head off and I just think damn that could be me! I bought a Alice pack and now when I get frustrated I just go rucking for miles in the woods! Just me and my dogs!

Response by CSM Richard StCyr made Jul 19 at 2019 3:25 PM

CSM Richard StCyr — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 15:25:44 -0400

They often miss the subtle and dark humor that is in the stories and can't relate to why the veterans laugh when you tell them and are interested in the story in the first place.
They ask stupid questions....no it's not like call of duty....Of course I was scared when the IED and EFPs went off 15' away from us even though we were in armored vehicles and the Skud that could have had chemical agents in it went over head, or the mortar rounds that hit but didn't go off because the dipshit didn't put a fuze on them.... No I wouldn't go again, I'd be a liability because I'm stove to shit.
Yes all those stories deal with serious shit, but are funny now to other vets because of something or how I, we, or someone involved reacted or did, but non vet friends don't see it.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jul 19 at 2019 4:46 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 16:46:19 -0400

I think they are tired of these long wars.

Response by SFC Quinn Chastant made Jul 19 at 2019 5:27 PM

SFC Quinn Chastant — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 17:27:21 -0400

In my limited experience, there is a wide disconnect between military service and much of the civilian world. Perhaps the civilian services which can most closely relate are Police, Fire, and Emergency Medical. And like us those services share a close bond and a seemingly seperate language from the rest of our society as well.

There are some questions regardless of how asked that are universally loathed. Ask one of those, and I will shut down the coversation faster than I mock politicians in general. Most likely because I don't desire to revisit some memories. I still retain them and if the intrude too much it disturbs my train of thought. Similarly I also served in the Fire Service, and like the Army, we have our own lingo. The comradery on a crew and in quarters is akin to the of the squad and platoon. But how do you express shared experiences to some one not prepared for the brutality of candid speach? Steve Martin the Comic, once said 'comedy is not pretty', well our jobs in the military can be so serious, we can develop a dark humor about some things. How can you express that to some one who inquires but has no point of reference?

I feel I have more in common with the patrol officer, firefighter, medic, and soldier, than some one who may never have that deep gut wrenching experience that can tear at your soul.

Surprisingly, I've also found for myself, its easier to be relaxed with service members, the afore mentioned public servants, and veterans, than members of the general public. Maybe its because we see things with different eyes now.