What are some tips on how to do my absolute all in my career field while maintaining a new marriage?

2018-05-26T21:14:16-04:00

For a bit of background, my husband and I have been together almost 7 years now. I want to strive to do all that I can such as volunteering for any and every opportunity that comes my way to make BTZ and pursue mortuary affairs or search and recovery. My problem with this is that my husband is not doing well with the separation that's happening at the moment. Two months of basic training and almost two months of technical school have left him feeling very isolated and overwhelmed, and I hate to see him like this but I cannot do much from where I am. I don't want to sacrifice my career or my relationship, so are there any programs for active duty spouses that could help him with this rough transition into the military? He's a very shy and introverted person, but even a once a week get together with similar people would at least get him out of the house and out of his head.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 26 at 2018 9:38 PM

2018-05-26T21:38:43-04:00

AB Private RallyPoint Member Best wishes on your Air Force career. There may be programs for military spouses in the community where your husband resides. He should consider taking college classes or joining a church group. There are groups out there if he looks.

Response by Lt Col Charlie Brown made May 26 at 2018 10:01 PM

2018-05-26T22:01:37-04:00

There are spouses groups. Have him check with the family support center. Maybe he would be interested in coaching a kids' sport or taking a class of some sort. There are lots of options.

Response by SGM Jeffrey Hall made May 26 at 2018 11:40 PM

2018-05-26T23:40:52-04:00

My wife and I were in the Army together, and we retired together. My advice is to prioritize what you need to do, and consider paying for some things to give you more quality time together.

My wife and I attended a seminar called "7 habits of highly effective Army families". It was sponsored by the family support office of my command in Germany. This was helpful. We also attended a seminar sponsored by the command chaplain called the "5 love languages". This was also extremely helpful. It was hard when I was at the Sergeants Major Academy and my wife deployed, as I became a single parent for a year. But I survived. It did cost me a bit when she finally met up with me in Germany and she felt a need to redecorate the "bachelor pad" I had created.

My point is, if you try hard every day, your relationship will not only survive, but thrive.

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 27 at 2018 12:30 AM

2018-05-27T00:30:09-04:00

Honest, in all truth if there are chaplains where you are, or where he is, I'd try to get their help, I'd expect they deal with such staff a good deal, at least from what I know of what clergy do, we go to a Pentecostal my wife likes, and most clergy have a good deal of social work type exposure...honest, if you and he haven't tried that route, I would, suggest trying, honest ,you've got nothing to lose, and everythingnto possibly gain, maybe something could be arranged, perhaps, leave time, nearby assignments, intersvc transfers, whatever, my point is, till you ask, you don't know, and clergy deal with a lot of !arital stuff, it's part and parcel of their jobs, I've gathered, honest, just a thought, OK?

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 27 at 2018 12:31 AM

2018-05-27T00:31:47-04:00

I !EAM, think about it, you and he can't be the only ones who've had such problems, chaplains must've dealt with such stuff neforez you know?

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made May 27 at 2018 12:32 AM

2018-05-27T00:32:32-04:00

Sorry for typo, I'd meant, I mean, think about it, clumsy tablet....

Response by SGT Aaron Atwood made May 27 at 2018 1:24 AM

2018-05-27T01:24:23-04:00

On the Marine Corps side of the house we have the Chaplain who can provide direct guidance and support, or at the very least point you and your husband in the direction of those who can: such as the Family Readiness Officer, Family Support Center, MCCS (this is Marine Corps-specific. Not sure the Air Force has an equivalent).

I'd also talk to your chain of command. This is a quick way to find out how much they care about you. First off I'd be very surprised if you were the first airman to have this problem in their experience. Second a good chain of command recognizes the fact that keeping things in good balance at home has a way of keeping a good balance at work. A solid chain of command looks to their subordinates' welfare in every way.

After you initially talk: follow up with any progress, or lack thereof. Also important: talk with your husband. An agreement I made with my wife before I put any ring on her finger was that we'd tell each other anything and everything; especially what we needed to hear (which more often than not is not what we want to hear). That agreement has saved our marriage multiple times.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made May 27 at 2018 1:26 AM

2018-05-27T01:26:09-04:00

Always work every day on your service to your country and service to your marriage. You can do both. Never go to work or bed mad. Life is too short not to make the investment every day into both. Rewards will come. When I thought how exhausted I was, I discovered I wasn't being very efficient with my energy. I was trying to do everything which included what really was nit noid stuff at the expense of taking care of the big rocks. Also, the spouse has to orient the same way. Success is a team effort. You can't martyr yourself over it. So the questions are: Do I want this thing? Do I want that thing.? What do I need to focus on to make them happen? Am I prepared to invest so even if it doesn't work out, I won't have to look back and play the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. You'll make mistakes; it's human. Creating success is a result of overcoming, learning, and moving on from those mistakes. Enjoy the journey.

Response by SFC Wanda Estes made May 27 at 2018 11:14 AM

2018-05-27T11:14:02-04:00

They do have military family support groups contact your Military Support Agency they will help you

Response by LTC John Shaw made May 28 at 2018 8:23 PM

2018-05-28T20:23:59-04:00

Jordan,
Wow! You have a difficult job that is emotionally draining and needs continuous support.
BLUF: You and your husband will need to make the decision to enjoy your time together and most importantly, ENJOY your time apart. This sounds odd at first but then you will understand that being separated allows for detailed study and or reflection of what you'all may improve in the relationship or to work on a area of personal strength or improve a weakness.

Melissa and I have been married 27 years and just retired after 31 years of Army Reserve duty with four deployments, three overseas for a year. Your relationship must be strong to survive these significant separations. Nothing will remove the Pain of separation, but you can redirect your energy and time. Melissa has a career, she is an attorney, she has significant responsibility that requires time and energy away from me and our kids. These aspects have to be planned and coordinated.

When you rejoin each other, make a plan to spend time together and gain that re-acqunitance.
You can use these breaks as a way to re-ignite / re-fresh your relationship.
Melissa and I have four children so much of what I did when separated was Information Technology and security certifications, when not busy as hell with the work of the deployment. I also used a deployment to refocus on budgeting, paying off our debt and teaching the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace coursework during the deployed time.

My wife's personality is much like your husband's. He needs to decide what support systems he will plug himself into while you are in the focused time of deployment or training. It doesn't have to be military, it can be a group of people he knows from his youth, High School or College.
The most important aspect is that prior to the deployment, you both decide and discuss your personal goals what you hope to accomplish being apart and what you will do when you celebrate the return.

Response by TSgt Joe C. made May 28 at 2018 9:09 PM

2018-05-28T21:09:07-04:00

Airman & Family Readiness Center certainly can help you all out...as can a chaplain. I did a year alone in Korea without my family....a difficult and challenging year it was. We pulled through though! I wish you and your husband the very best! It will get better for you both soon enough, hang in there AB Private RallyPoint Member!