What are some of the questions that a spouse wants to ask when their significant other is deployed?

2016-05-14T09:49:43-04:00

Spouses have a lot of concerns and questions when their significant others are deployed or were deployed and they have returned.

They are afraid to ask the wrong questions, but need to reconnect with their spouse.

What can they ask, how should they ask it, and what do you consider to be taboo questions as a deployed service member?

Can we make this transiton easier?

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 14 at 2016 9:55 AM

2016-05-14T09:55:22-04:00

I'm sure they want to know if they will be able to communicate with their spouse via phone or internet, as well if they don't already know is there a support group for spouses, when they are deployed

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made May 14 at 2016 10:23 AM

2016-05-14T10:23:36-04:00

I'd say what to "do" instead of what to "ask". Just let us be for a little bit but be there for us. Ask questions relate to what we are sharing during our conversations. One thing don't ever say is "thank you for your service" to your love one. I was weird out and honestly, felt a little disgusted when I heard that after my last deployment. To keep it short, we are no longer together. Now I finally am able to articulate it: "Thank you for your service" is from a person who only (or mostly) gain from what your love one has sacrificed and the stanger really appreciates it. You scarify, too when your love one deploys. You miss him/her, you worry sick about him/her, you have to hold the fort down when he/she is gone, and most importantly, you have to deal with his/her heartache and unexplainable temper after redeployment. By you saying that meaning you don't feel nor do you have to deal with any of the above. That makes you a stranger.

Response by CPT Jack Durish made May 14 at 2016 10:41 AM

2016-05-14T10:41:35-04:00

Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies? I think that there is one question they all want to ask but are afraid to ask: "Will you be okay?" And everyone will lie: "Yes, of course. I'll be back." "Okay" means a lot of different things. However, the truth is that nothing is "okay" about being deployed. Even if you return alive and in one piece, you're going to be changed and so will your spouse. You'll then need to create a whole new relationship. I suppose, then, that the most honest response is that your love will endure whatever happens, that you'll fall in love all over again (or you won't). It's a challenge that no civilian will ever understand.

I can't close this without commenting that there are other things that strain military marriages besides "deployment". As the operations officer in a strategic communications center I "deployed" everyday as I descended into the bowels of Oahu and passed through a vault door. What happened there, stayed there. Each night when I came home, my wife and I were not able to share my day (and night). I remember once when the DEFCON moved precariously and I returned home to switch into fatigues. I reminded her where the shelter was located and left. When I returned home two days later she was bewildered. There had been nothing in the news about the incident and I, of course, couldn't say a word about it. That too was a strain...

Response by Sgt Ramon Nacanaynay made May 14 at 2016 10:50 AM

2016-05-14T10:50:51-04:00

As a Veteran For Peace and Pax Christi member I've been searching for that magic phrase, attitude or relationship to end the cycle of violence and fear. I believe I have some responsibility for the reactions of others, but I've got a responsibility to myself as well. I got to do what I got to do with what little Faith I have in others and in God. I do not envy all the victims of war including soldiers and their families. Peace and Healing to All.

Response by SPC Andrew Griffin made May 14 at 2016 11:42 AM

2016-05-14T11:42:18-04:00

Are you being faithful? How are my babies? Did you pay the bills?

Response by LTC Stephen F. made May 14 at 2016 12:51 PM

2016-05-14T12:51:21-04:00

Questions can range from the humorous such as where did you leave the key to the ice chest to more practical such as where is the warranty information COL Mikel J. Burroughs.
The military has a program to assist grieving spouses which seems to be uniformly good across the nation. Some commands have better spousal support programs than others. Having a good support network is very important. Frequently the BN commander and CSM spouse is in the best position to maintain a spouse support network they are also frequently in the best position to be able to explain what is going on with the command and what sort of questions can be asked of deployed spouses.

Response by PO1 Kerry French made May 15 at 2016 12:56 AM

2016-05-15T00:56:46-04:00

Since I have been on both sides of deployment, I didn't really have any questions... I knew what he was doing... I knew generally where they were going and what they were doing. But I did tell him that liberty buddy had to be a male. Period. And that no female was to be in his space with him (unless they worked there but he was with the Marines in Combat Cargo so there weren't any females.) I did ask where he went on liberty and what he did... that was much more interesting to me than the routine on the ship. I had that down pat.

Response by SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth made May 15 at 2016 5:47 PM

2016-05-15T17:47:10-04:00

How long are you going to be gone? Who do I call in case of an emergency?.

Response by Cpl Michael Crowley made May 20 at 2016 9:52 AM

2016-05-20T09:52:43-04:00

When I deployed, I simply passed on the info that my command told me to and we were good until my wife got 2 false death notifications. Thankfully I was able to contact her within a couple of days of the notifications. MWR phones saved my family a lot.