What advice would you give to the spouse/children of a newly enlisted soldier, on how to deal with understanding what it's like to be away?

Shirleene Prioleau — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 08:56:24 -0500

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Dec 9 at 2016 9:15 AM

SGM Erik Marquez — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 09:15:48 -0500

Best bet is set them up for success, you cannot "explain" it away.
You can only prep them for things that may come up.
What is dads role, tasks, job today....who will fill those roles while you're gone?
think of the what if's and if you would be the one to address them, who will now...Do not do any of that in a vacuum ..but think though first then discuss in family meetings.
Empower the kids as age apropret to self solve/support. Empower the spouse the same.

Not just a list on the fridge, but an actually trial run/meeting of support agencies. If a water pipe breaks... not just that number in a note book... but walk though the process...to include how to pay for that water heater and install christmas eve.. you cant afford it, thats fact (if it is) so how? figure it out now, not on her at 22:00 at home, with no hot water and kids needing baths.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 9 at 2016 10:36 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 10:36:41 -0500

I grew up as a military dependent, and there was a large potion of my childhood that my father missed. Remember that it will be hard for you, your spouse and your children. One of the things that I think helped the most when my dad was gone, was how strong my mom was. I know now, as an adult, that there were times where she was lonely, and lost; but my brother and I never saw that. My parents were always open and honest with each other, and had their disagreements behind closed doors. My mom worked hard taking care of us, keeping us busy, and managing the house hold.
Honestly, there is not much you can do to prepare for it emotionally. I think the best you can do, is to make sure that you or your children are prepared to take over his household roles when he leaves. There may be things you're not able to do, or can not figure out how to do. But hopefully your unit has a active and productive family readiness group (FRG). From my time volunteering in FRG, I can tell you that one of the BIGGEST problems we faced when the unit deployed, was spouses leaving their families without access to money, or necessary paperwork (Passports/Military I.D. Cards/birth certs/ect). So make sure that you have all of that, in addition to your lease agreement, banking information, contacts & addresses to utilities.
I know the FRG has a negative reputation these days, but military families should and need to lean on, and trust each other just like their Soldiers do. It will have organized activities, a spouse social group, and is a great way to reach out and make friends with those who are going through exactly what you are. I grew up on Fort Bragg during the height of the War on Terror. We took care of each other, and made life-long friendships there. Never be to proud or ashamed to ask for help, especially if you're having a hard time.

Response by 1SG Al Brown made Dec 9 at 2016 3:18 PM

1SG Al Brown — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 15:18:37 -0500

This is how we did it when I enlisted with kids. You figure out the new schedules and responsibilities. Put everything on a calendar that all can follow until it's routine. Jointly explain to the children how the new schedule(s) work (school schedules, mom's daily schedules, dad's daily schedules, going to the field schedule, going shopping, rules, boundaries, etc.). What everyone is doing and "why" they are doing it. If a deployment is scheduled, the family should be preparing as much as the service member for the separation. If the older kids already know how to text, talk on Skype, or communicate through other media, then all the kids will have less separation anxiety. It's amazing how fast kids adapt if they are informed, feel safe, understand the daily routine and why their little world is turning.
P.S. The opposite is also true. Family boredom and being uninformed will cause big issues at home and at work for the new Soldier.

Response by SGT Alan Dike made Dec 9 at 2016 3:28 PM

SGT Alan Dike — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 15:28:13 -0500

Its hard on kids and wives... I spent over 50% of my last few years gone from my family. It was hard, and we didn't have any children yet. The military is an interesting infrastructure. Let them know about the family support groups. Make sure their family just grew by a million folks...

That said, even if they don't get along in the unit.. Your spouse or parent wears green (blue/gray/tan/whatever...), and on post you have a family. There are official family support groups, and unofficial ones. I wish whomever joins with a family great success.. It takes a very special type of dedication to support a soldier, and for a soldier to place his country on equal level with his family. LDRSHIP - That selfless service will come from all members of the family. The wife will always have anxiety when their SM is away.. If you have a way to.. help her integrate into the unit... Some are better than others about that. Children THRIVE on structure and repetition.. so implement that where possible. As a lower enlisted, he may have details that keep him after work.. As an NCO, I found my duties kept me after work more often than my soldiers ever had to stay..

Response by PO3 Sherry Thornburg made Dec 9 at 2016 4:37 PM

PO3 Sherry Thornburg — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 16:37:53 -0500

Be honest. Tell them about your work and how it is important. Tell them you miss them when you are gone. If you do deployments, send letters, talk through the internet, do Skype or Messenger calls. Tell them you have friends, tell about the dog or cat that hangs around, about the food, the weather. Keep communication flowing. Don't leave your family wondering how you are doing or if you think about them. TELL THEM.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 9 at 2016 4:55 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 16:55:59 -0500

The family needs to be told the responsibilities of the Solder, one of which requires leaving for extended periods of time. Explain the importance of school/training or the overall goal of the deployment. Being gone is part of the job that the Soldier agreed to do. For deployments or long missions, encourage the family to attend briefings; gives them a chance to hear someone else explain why the Soldier is leaving and gives them a since of community seeing others in the same situation.
The spouse at home needs to have his/her own identity (outside of military spouse). He/She should have support persons/friends that could be relied upon to vent without judgement. Get involved with FRG or some sort of group that actively gets together and does activities. Have a plan in place to pay for bills (auto pay, list of due dates, online passwords, etc.) - sometimes the simplest thing are forgot when you are stressed. Also have a plan to keep in touch - emails, letters, skype.. and possibly a count down or calendar for children.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 12 at 2016 6:08 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 12 Dec 2016 06:08:34 -0500

Learn the phrase "It is the Army". It does not have to make sense..."it is the Army".