What advice do you have for an in-law attacking my marriage? Could he ruin my reputation enough to get me kicked out?

2020-02-23T17:40:08-05:00

I married my wife 2 months ago and have been away on tdy this whole time and while I've been gone I've apparently have caused stress to my wife and her family and her father a retired navy E-8, threatened me saying my marriage " has already affected her emotionally, mentally, and physically. And to add, it also affected us as a family. Do take action soonest or I will inform your leadership which can affect your career. Don't take my kindness as a weakness, I do take action in the process as necessary." I wanted to know what possible actions that her father could take against me if any. I have never hit or cheated on my wife, and would like to attempt counseling before ending a marriage. Could he say anything to ruin my reputation enough to get kicked out?

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 23 at 2020 5:46 PM

2020-02-23T17:46:35-05:00

Your father-in-law says that you have caused stress to your wife and her family. What does your wife say about this? What is the rest of the story?

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Feb 23 at 2020 5:51 PM

2020-02-23T17:51:47-05:00

It does not look like they can touch you. Allegations should be investigated and proven. My advice is to dump her and her family if they give you this kind of grief. The father is a control freak and is willing to play dirty pool. I see nothing but destruction if you have to deal with in-laws like that.

Response by COL David Turk made Feb 23 at 2020 6:14 PM

2020-02-23T18:14:06-05:00

In the old days, for the most part your personal problems were between you and the chaplain. I believe chaplains are still involved, but if your father-in-law threatened your military career, I would support you bringing your supervisory chain into play. Discuss this with your NCO and explain that you don’t want outside influences affecting your military career. Having said that, you’d better have your military and personal self squared away. And, as mentioned by others here, your wife better be in your corner. If she sides with dad against you, you don’t have a wife, you have a dependent.
Now go see your chaplain.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 23 at 2020 6:29 PM

2020-02-23T18:29:03-05:00

I support my wife financially. The main issue is that I have been forgetful sometimes and forgotten to tell her things or she would say something and I would forget so she feels that I am being dishonest and don't trust her. Though I do. Sometimes I'll say one thing but do another. We were just married and before we were married her family ask what our budget for the wedding would be and I said $15000. They thought that meant I had $15000 but I meant that is how much a want to spend total and I have told my wife before that i was going to use the bah to help pay for the wedding because she is living with family paying partial rent while i am tdy for 6 months (dumb on my part) but she didn't understand what i was saying. So now we haven't gotten bag yet in 2 months and she has been stressing a lot and her family isn't helping. If we were living away from the family and I was back home I could help set things straight but I'm not. I'm overseas losing my wife.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 23 at 2020 7:04 PM

2020-02-23T19:04:38-05:00

If you are providing your spouse reasonable support (generally an amount of money monthly equal to the BAH rate), haven't assaulted her (hard to do TDY), and haven't committed adultery, you are fine with respect to your responsibilities and military career.
Although it's difficult to do from a distance, there is a need to resolve your father-in-law's intrusion in your marriage.
I doubt I'd respond to him while deployed, but I would communicate with her as frequently as possible. Specifically, what is causing her stress? You being deployed? Can't do anything about that. Her father feeding her BS about what you should or shouldn't be providing? That's hard to fight while deployed, and she'll likely believe him over you.
WHAT YOU CAN'T DO: You can't let this cause you to get depressed, and start thinking about dumb sh!+, like how to get sent back early.
I know the comments that you should cut your losses and get rid of her and her family when you get back seem harsh. However, those responding have likely seen this a number of times in their careers.
I know of no active or retired E-8 who would believe one of their privates was making a sound decision spending $15k on a wedding. First thing that likely comes to their mind is WT£ were you thinking. I say that to point out a flaw in your father-in-law's thinking.

Response by SFC Christopher Taggart made Feb 23 at 2020 7:32 PM

2020-02-23T19:32:59-05:00

First of all, you have married into a "toxic" family. I sure hope this was not a "fly-by-night" marriage...how long was your engagement? If you had a long engagement, like two years, you would've gotten to know this toxic family and had the "smarts" to run! Hopefully you do not have any children yet. If your marriage goes bad, because of your father-in-law's involvement, at least you can run away as fast you can from them. Second, you both sound very young, neither have any experience about life. Your wife is also part of the problem...she is not informing her parents that she is a married woman and can now make decisions, good or bad, for herself and you. Her father still treats her as a 10-year-old. When you get back from TDY, both of you need to sit down with your in-laws and set rules about your marriage, if you want to make this work, otherwise back her bags and send her back to "daddy"...that's the way he wants it! There will not a man good enough for him...he does not want his "little girl" to grow up. Third, keep away from this toxic family. Get her involved with your family. If she needs a woman to talk to, when you're gone on TDY or deployments, ask your mother to be involved...or your sisters if you have any. Just a thought.

Response by Maj John Bell made Feb 23 at 2020 7:37 PM

2020-02-23T19:37:25-05:00

1) Be the best soldier, you can be. A good reputation can take a lot of heat, especially if it BS heat.
2) We don't know what "stress" your father-in-law is claiming you are causing, but unless it is criminal in nature or a violation of the UCMJ, it means nothing. So make sure you aren't involved in any criminal acts, or something that violates the UCMJ. Don't pick fights with him and don't let him get under your skin. His status as a Navy Senior doesn't carry a whole lot of weight unless you are doing something illegal.
3) It doesn't matter whether you are religious or not, chaplains have a lot of non-religious tools for dealing with extended family generated nonsense.
4) If you can't make her happy, don't try having a child as a solution.
5) Last but not least, ask your wife if she is unhappy. Make sure you get an honest answer. Then as best you can, do what it takes to make her happy. If it enough great. If it isn't enough, best to find out early.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 23 at 2020 8:35 PM

2020-02-23T20:35:47-05:00

So, a few things.
1st. A good chain of command will just laugh at the dude for dragging his hurt feelings around.

2nd. Military marriage is rough man, shit changes, you get caught up in work and forget stuff,yadda yadda. IF it’s something you really want, and not just to get out of the bricks, work that communication piece, make sure your wife understands shit changes last minute at that’s life, roll with the punches and remain semper gumby.

Have your 1st line go take you to S1 and finance and get in their rear about that lack of paycheck. As long as your proactive about working that not a lot they can really do, it’s just going to be tight and suck for a while. Welcome to the military and hooray beaucracy. MAKE COPIES OF EVERYTHING YOU TAKE THEM! Also there is a form that’s like a hand recipiet for everything you take them and for the life of me I can’t remember it but do that too.

You’ll be fine kid, just keep pushing it and ignore the dad. If it comes to it remind him that it’s YOUR marriage, and as long as you’re not legitimately doing anything wrong I.E denying funds, beating her, not providing etc... he can pound sand. Also gonsee chaps or MFLC get some couples counseling in, Ive seen it do wonders.
Feel free to drop me a line man, it’ll get there.

Response by SGM Bill Frazer made Feb 23 at 2020 11:16 PM

2020-02-23T23:16:47-05:00

Without any prof to back anything up, he is just blowing hot air. And he served in a different service to boot. WTF he never had sea service?. If he does complain- say he,s notice to you for back up[.

Response by SFC David Winters made Feb 24 at 2020 9:22 AM

2020-02-24T09:22:21-05:00

Take the correspondence to your chain of command. That way if he tries to make allegations against you, they will have a record.

Response by SPC David S. made Feb 24 at 2020 10:38 AM

2020-02-24T10:38:57-05:00

Only two months and you've stressed out you wife? Father-in-law going berserk?
Not sure what all is going but I would talk to a chaplain. That can buffer some of the heat as well work with your superiors/CoC in seeking a resolution. Again not sure what's going on but take the high road - don't take the bait in being argumentative or retaliatory with your father-in-law.

Best of luck.

Response by SSG Dianna Mack-Miller made Feb 24 at 2020 11:08 AM

2020-02-24T11:08:06-05:00

State Legal Requirements for Divorce - FindLawstatelaws.findlaw.com › family-laws › divorce-legal-requirements
Many states also impose a waiting period for no-fault divorce, up to two years in ... counseling" laws focused on saving the marriage prior to finalizing a divorce.

Mandatory Couples Counseling Prior To Granting Divorces ...http://www.huffpost.com › entry › mandatory-couples-counsel_b_813844
Jan 27, 2011 - If couples fail to get the required counseling, they must wait a full ... Given this fact, why the sudden attempt by these states to mandate pre-divorce counseling? ... The recent flurry of proposed legislation raises many questions.

Legal Requirements for Divorce | AllLawwww.alllaw.com › articles › family › divorce › articlelz2
Although there may be some exceptions, most states require couples to wait before the court finalizes the divorce. Depending on where you live, you could have ...
Missing: counseling ‎| Must include: counseling

HuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World News | HuffPost

Response by MSgt Michael Smith made Feb 24 at 2020 12:45 PM

2020-02-24T12:45:52-05:00

No. He cannot do shit. Commanders get stuff like this all the time and it doesn't mean anything. She is YOUR wife. He has zero control over you or her, or anything to do with your marriage. He sounds like an asshole. I suggest when you get back that you get a place of your own and move your spouse in with you.

Response by SCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 24 at 2020 2:15 PM

2020-02-24T14:15:59-05:00

Ninety-nine percent of that E-8's blustery is pure bullshit. However, he is reason enough to take a "Chock this one up to Experience" and bail, now, as in yesterday!!! The foundation of your "marriage" is as un-solid as they come. But your father-in-law has provided you insight as to what the future of your marriage will probably look like if you stick around. I don't know how old you are, but I'll bet you have many decades left to try again when ALL the necessary foundational elements are present. I am sorry you have to learn a hard lesson this way, but you're young and you can and will bounce back.

Wife #1 definitely gives me the proper credentials to offer you this "From Experience" advice.

Response by MSG Roy Cheever made Feb 24 at 2020 2:47 PM

2020-02-24T14:47:14-05:00

I really don’t think so

Response by CW3 Kevin Storm made Nov 6 at 2020 5:55 PM

2020-11-06T17:55:53-05:00

My advice, talk to your chain of command. Get them involved if possible. Better for them to know up front hen on the back end. More so as this Retired Navy Squid is planning on making your life miserable. He sounds like the type to go straight up the flag pole, so the more people know about it the better. It also shows a degree of maturity going forward and letting your command know you got an Alpha-hole for Father in Law.

Now can he say stuff, sure, can he prove it? Different question. If no police reports are filed I doubt he can do much more than complain. The more he runs his mouth, the more your command may side with you.

Make sure your wife is being taken care of, not just fiscally, but getting enrolled in all the programs needed. See if you can get the chaplain involved as well. The more people in your corner the better. See if you can get her in school or a job so she stays busy and then she may have less to complain about.

Now lastly on the lighter side , why did you marry a squids daughter? lol