What advice do you have for a new NCO who is soft-spoken and lacks confidence?

2020-03-11T17:31:48-04:00

It's tough for me to lead people. I've never had to do this before and most of my Soldiers dont respect me and I think its because I'm a female, on profile, and soft spoken. I wish I could be off my profile but physical therapy is not helping and they are saying I may need surgery for my knee.

I'm also not very confident. It's very bad every time i am speaking to a group, higher ranks, or like just intimidating people. I freeze up, cant think, and my anxiety is high. I start sweating g and get red. I am just not good at confrontations either.

Any advice? I want to be the best I can as a team leader.

Response by SPC Margaret Higgins made Mar 11 at 2020 5:54 PM

2020-03-11T17:54:53-04:00

To be a great team leader: one should have compassion; one should set a great example; one should have a lot of empathy; and, one should try to set the best example one can possibly set. SGT Private RallyPoint Member

Response by Sidir Dieiric made Mar 11 at 2020 6:01 PM

2020-03-11T18:01:22-04:00

Not in the military but have had experience leading projects etc. But before you even get into that, you need to take care of yourself and your health. Get the knee issue squared away ASAP.

If you have done that then work with what you’ve got. You can’t be loud? That’s fine, be damn good at your job, and by that I mean be able to do it as well or better than the best person in your platoon. Show up to meetings early and be prepared. And do not fail to put people in place if they are out of line, I’m a civilian but we have a chain of command so to speak, I’m sure it’s much more personified in the military. If you are senior to them they will listen and if they don’t, I’m sure you can take action.

As for speaking in front of higher brass, just know that you may know more about the subject at hand. Therefore, you own the room. Take full advantage and remember: them listening to you is in their best interest. One technique I use is I pretend I’m talking to a friend or confidant. Imagine they are in the room and you are having a chat with them. Do you stutter or get nervous when you speak to your best friend? I’m assuming not. Lastly, don’t overthink it, think of it as an obstacle you got to get through. Don’t try just do! Good luck.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 11 at 2020 6:12 PM

2020-03-11T18:12:21-04:00

Regardless of being a female (even though it does play a part in certain duty positions at certain units) and being on profile right now; gaining confidence in your strengths through MOS skill set and counseling your soldiers will be a huge foundation to build for your next step as an enlisted leader.

I'm surprised they didn't move you yet since getting pinned (which can help with the mentality of your soldiers, unit dependant. But learning more about our history, developing your soldiers will put you ahead of your peers.

While suggested reading material is a common theme that I laughed at, it took me years (almost at 12) to recognize the value in the NCO corps books. Highly encourage Three Meter Zone by CSM(R) Pendry as well as every regulation that helped you accomplish the promotion board. Just like pt, that muscle memory of regulations really help your soldiers. Knowing that they gain confidence in your personal knowledge of soldier tasks, drills and day to day operations will build their trust in you.

There is no magic bullet for it, but you got your NCO Support Channel, your peers and of course RP.

Response by CSM Charles Hayden made Mar 11 at 2020 6:15 PM

2020-03-11T18:15:56-04:00

I know of SRNCO who started a “Toastmasters”, speaking club during his time in Iraq. When he left, he was besieged by cry’s for him to anoint his successor so the club could continue.

Toastmaster clubs are everywhere, please seek one out.

They will provide an opportunity and guidance for you to become a more polished and confident speaker. SGT Private RallyPoint Member

On your own dime, ($-$$$?), you might find a Dale Carnegie public speaking course as I did many moons ago. They help you practice simple stuff - like laughing in front of the class for 3-5 ? minutes. You could also avail yourself of a Dale Carnegie book or ? distance learning course.

Practice giving drill and ceremony commands - alone - in the middle of any nowhere.

Practice marching yourself about until you feel comfortable with giving correct commands, properly.

Response by CW2 Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 11 at 2020 6:22 PM

2020-03-11T18:22:58-04:00

I'm sure there will be a bunch of posts regarding the NCO Creed, and the Basic Leader's Course, but to be honest about both of them....they don't mean much. Every person has a different leadership style and those that fully live by the Creed and what is taught at NCOES are typically the ones who have zero empathy and have subordinates who 100% hate them. That being said it is still about leadership, not likership. They don't have to like you, but they have to follow you.
I have suffered through some of the same issues, and I'm still working on them, you're never done learning and developing. Now being a female SHOULDN'T have an effect but let's face it, the world isn't perfect (we're trying) and there are some people who see it as an issue, they need to be corrected instantly - the same goes for those who believe you being on profile is an issue. Now the Army has gone soft and you can't just tell em to get their canteen and brown towel and sweat it out of em, but that doesn't mean you can't reach them.

Every Soldier is different, and requires different leadership. Your job is to identify how to lead each person. Some can just be told their task and they'll do it, others want to ask why and/or why are you telling them. Because it's the Army, and it's the mission. Some may need a 4856 and you'll be filling out lots of counselings (remember, the UCMJ aka the LAW, requires they listen to you) you cannot be afraid to write them up and when there's a pattern you recommend UCMJ. Their career does NOT matter (no ones does actually), only the mission matters. We rely on you P's to get intel, intel drives operations. Some Soldiers may need to have the 4856 put aside and you sit them down privately and talk to them person to person, others you may need to chew em out in public.
This is where you need to develop your "lightswitch". You can be calm, soft spoken, etc, but the moment they talk back or don't listen you flip the switch and instead of being Laura you become SGT Baxter. It may feel really uncomfortable, because it's not you. It's essentially an character, you're "playing pretend", but you're the only one who knows.

As for talking to superiors, that's a different story (yet it also isn't). You can be candid and speak your mind, but doing so tactfully is the key. Are they Officer or Senior Enlisted, there's typically a difference in how they will accept contradictory thinking or a personal opinion. You can talk to them normally like you do with anyone else, just also be showing the due respect. Honesty saves lives and just may be what is required to change the way the commander thinks and changes the operation. You're an analyst, your professional opinion carries a lot of power.
I recommend you apply to go to the Army Basic Instructor Course. It will greatly help with your public speaking (or a college course in public speaking)

Confrontations....man do I hate em (lol just ask my wife). But again the lightswitch applies here too. It's not Jeff needing to tell a senior or subordinate that they're making a mistake, wrong, etc, it's SFC Carroll (and don't think it's easy as an SFC, Civil Affairs constantly deals with Generals, Ambassadors, Prime Ministers, Presidents, etc...) it's for work and the mission, not me personally. It is harder with those in your own CoC as they have power over your career (my E5 and E6 boards were nightmare red, sweaty, mumbling, stuttering, I said PMS instead of PMCS...yeah), just remain respectful.
You do not need to intimidate anyone as a leader, they are required to respect the rank afforded to you by the Officers of the Army, another way to lead is to be the expert in your field. They will come to you and listen to you because they know you KNOW your job. They shouldn't fear you, fear is terrible leadership - that's how dictators work.
It's a balancing act, don't be a jerk, but don't be a pushover. Fight for your Soldiers (leave, passes, schools, promotions(if they deserve it), not always being on detail, awards), but don't let them do nothing and absolutely let them fail in minor things (like a room or uniform inspection, an essay or report)- failure is the best teacher, it teaches them they can do better and it shows they have to work harder to get the OK from you.

If you want to talk about it all feel free to message me.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 11 at 2020 6:42 PM

2020-03-11T18:42:20-04:00

Oooh boy. Where to begin.

For starters, being on profile doesn't mean jack in regards to Soldiers not respecting you. I have a permanent profile and I have mad respect from my Seniors, Peers, and Subordinates alike. They don't respect you because you are not giving them a reason to respect you. Your gender also has no play as to why your Soldier's don't respect you.

You are in a position of responsibility and authority. You need to start conducting yourself accordingly. One of the first things I recommend you do is find an NCO that exemplifies everything there is to be an NCO and have them mentor you. Then, I also recommend you have a sit down with your troops and do a counseling en mass and lay out your expectations of them and what they can expect from you. And follow thru.

As for your anxiety, I recommend you take a speech class to help you get over your public speaking anxiety. Because, as you get higher in rank, the higher in rank (and larger groups) of people you will have to brief.

No one likes confrontation. But, if you need to put boot to ass because one of your troops screwed up, then you need to put boot to ass.

And, the last two recommendations I have is to seek out your nearest BH section/unit and see if you can get into counseling. Also, I recommend you re-read the Creed of the Noncommissioned Officer. Because, if you truly feel that you cannot conduct yourself as an NCO and Leader should, then you need to tell your NCOIC that you need to be removed from a leadership position.

Response by SFC Melvin Brandenburg made Mar 11 at 2020 7:45 PM

2020-03-11T19:45:53-04:00

I would say stop thinking of yourself as a female and start thinking of yourself as a leader when it comes to that part of the job. Find a good role model that you can emulate. Set high expectations, expect your soldiers to meet them, hold them accountable when they don't, but provide an example, training, guidance, and resources to help them. Start looking for opportunities for them to be capable and work on tying that into the mission and your tasking, then praise them when they are successful with specific and meaningful feedback. Show them how to be. Teach them what to do. Know what you need to in order to be a leader. Remember the Creed. Two most important things to keep in mind, in the following order, accomplish your mission and look after the welfare of your troops. Approach situations with confidence, not authoritarianism as your first go to. Be a hard ass if you have to, but do that sparingly. Respect is earned, it doesn't come with a title or a position or a rank. The way you earn respect is often as I've just described. Two books will really drive this home, both by Simon Sinek. "Start With Why" and "Leaders Eat Last" You will earn the confidence you seek by simply first taking a step with courage and then bit by bit you will understand yourself and your people.

Response by LT Brad McInnis made Mar 11 at 2020 8:16 PM

2020-03-11T20:16:27-04:00

This is the advice I gave one of my sailors in a similar situation:
1) Remember what you like/admire in leaders you have come across. Rarely, do you admire the art of delivering a verbal beat down. Most times, it is the ability to keep the unit running smoothly without a lot of whiplash from superiors. Figure out how you can do that, and most of it comes down to planning and passing the word.
2) Speaking in groups is always hard (I used to brief 4 stars daily). It gets better the more you do it. Search out reasons to talk to others for simple things. The more you do it, the better you will get. Also, everyone will see you are making an effort. Lastly, become a SME in whatever subject you are briefing/talking about.
3) A lot of leadership is a skill. A skill can be learned. Find an example, and practice it. You weren't a shoe tying wizard until you did it a bunch of times, this is the same.
4) Get out of your head. Your brain will make things so much worse than they ever have to be. Your doubts and fears will creep in if you let them. Don't let them. Search on Youtube for self help gurus that can help you dispel doubt and fears. Motivational speakers are really good for this kind of re-training your mind.

You want to succeed, and you have taken the 1st steps in succeeding. That automatically puts you above all the others who just think they will get by. Go out there and get it done, I have no doubt you will do well! SGT Private RallyPoint Member

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 11 at 2020 8:27 PM

2020-03-11T20:27:00-04:00

If I had to guess I would say it's not because you're a female, it may be partly because you're on profile, and definitely because you lack confidence.

When you are the leader, people are looking for you to lead. You can be soft spoken and still be confident. Confidence comes through experience, so don't shy away from new tasks or experiences because you don't know how to do them. As you develop your experience you will become more confident. Treat your people like you would treat your children. Develop them, mentor them, give them solid direction.

Response by SSG George Holtje made Mar 11 at 2020 8:39 PM

2020-03-11T20:39:30-04:00

I will have to say first, someone failed you and others like you. I would put my soldiers on the spot and make them march or lead PT or lead training to groom them for their day to lead.
Start with the disrespect when you’re addressing your team. As soon as it starts, put them in the front leaning rest

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Mar 11 at 2020 8:56 PM

2020-03-11T20:56:55-04:00

I would say focus on the leadership and needs of the team. Does your sections SGT support you?

Response by SFC Laurence Anderson made Mar 11 at 2020 9:15 PM

2020-03-11T21:15:57-04:00

Take it slow. Don't put unrealistic expectations on yourself. Being a good soldier and setting a good example is how you earned your rank. Lead by example and make on the spot corrections. If E4s and below give you attitude, correct that too. Soon they will fall in line. If they don't, know that soldiers of a lesser grade are required to follow your lawful orders.
Recommend UCMJ up the chain if appropriate. Don't be afraid to lean on your fellow NCOs for support.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 11 at 2020 11:07 PM

2020-03-11T23:07:56-04:00

There is a lot of great advice here, so I'll try to only add, not duplicate. Don't give up on yourself or the team. Learn everything you can about your mission and how to meet your Soldiers' needs. Read regulation. KNOW regulation. Enforce the standard - quiet leaders can be the most intimidating AND admired at times. Confidence will come with knowledge and the respect it earns when you have the courage to act on it consistently. Realize that it's never just "you" anymore. The effort you put into what you CAN do at PT, the competence you have on the job, the confidence you exhibit when you demand what's right, and the empathy you show when you recognize something isn't right - that's what drives your team and earns you respect and confidence.

Response by Cpl Mark A. Morris made Mar 12 at 2020 9:42 AM

2020-03-12T09:42:44-04:00

If I was you SGT, I would re-read these Senior enlisted posts several times.
I can not fully understand your situation as you are are a Lingust. But the military is about judging by action and complete the mission.
I would sit down and talk to everyone about your orders and how the team is going to complete those orders. Do you folks have to PT everyday? Do you work around the clock?
Let's say you do have to PT and work around the clock. ( I hope there is something your group does as a team) Anyway, at PT formation you can start off with " I'm the strongest and most beautiful enlisted Lingust of all time. I'm going to outrun everyone." This takes the elevated position and puts some humor into the pain in the arse of PT. A great leader has humor.
The work detail: If your squad or Platoon has to work at 0000hrs. You can work that time and set the example. Never ask your team to do what you are not willing to do, or have done yourself. Make sure the one before you and the one after you on shift detail is reliable. I use to rotate some after talking to them about the orders of security. But I always took the 0000hrs watch. Mainly, due to wanting to be armed when it is dark and late.
Keep a book/folder and rotatations and orders given. Make notes on orders followed. Talk in private to those who disrespect you and make a not of that you talked. In you meeting with the SSgt, or GySgt you will have information and they will give direction. Be honest.
If you want to make SSG, you better get to it.
Over

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 13 at 2020 12:38 AM

2020-03-13T00:38:46-04:00

I’ve been an NCO for two years now and I’ve never had this problem with soldiers, I was always super open and honest and known as the guy who “just wants shit done right”. I always told my soldiers “I don’t care how you do it and I don’t care what you do, just get it done and get it done right, if you need more guidance let me know I’ll tell you what works for me” or anything along those lines. When I was a private there’s was a problem with treating privates like children and some private did behave like children but at the end of the day they’re all grown ass adults, treat them as so. We had one “problem child” in my section, not my soldiers but he was in my platoon, and I suggested we get rid of him, he didn’t want to be there and we didn’t want to deal with him so we pushed it up the chain, so he got transferred to a different battalion and ultimately out of the army. I think that was just a lucky situation not every unit works that well. But what has always worked for me is recognizing that they are adults and the more responsibility you put on them the better they do, soldiers want to get ahead and get promoted I allotted those opportunities and it always worked out. Maybe I had a good bunch and lucked out but that’s just my experience. I’m also soft spoken, pretty confident but very soft spoken mainly because I’ve never had a need to raise my voice and be intimidating I literally just say something like, “I need this done by this time, do you think you can do that or should I ask someone else if they can do it instead” and I usually a response like “No SGT, I can get it done today”

Let us know what has been working for you or what hasn’t been working.