Were most of the decisions you made throughout your service based off of what was best for your family or for what was best for your career?

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 11:33:29 -0400

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Jul 1 at 2014 11:49 AM

SGT Ben Keen — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 11:49:18 -0400

It's always a compromise. Sometimes you have no choice but to take that duty assignment sending your family half way around the world in order to take a leadership position but then sometimes you are able to work it out so that you don't have to go TDY so you can attend a major family event.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 1 at 2014 11:51 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 11:51:03 -0400

I volunteered to deploy when my son was 6 months. Took me 6 months after returning to get him to not be scared of me. Take this as selfish, but I won't be volunteering for deployments anymore. My son means everything, and I can't stand the idea of him not knowing me.

Response by MSG Wade Huffman made Jul 1 at 2014 12:10 PM

MSG Wade Huffman — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 12:10:48 -0400

As stated, it's a constant balancing act. Here are some threads that may be of interest to you as well since your question alludes to achieving work/life balance.

https://www.rallypoint.com/answers/have-you-achieved-work-life-balance

https://www.rallypoint.com/answers/tips-for-better-work-life-balance

Have you achieved "Work-Life Balance?" | RallyPoint

What does 'work-life balance' mean to you? Have you achieved it? Is it something that you promote? If so, how? What specific steps, techniques, tips, and/or stories do you have to offer? Since this is all about sharing, communicating, and learning from each other, what are those nuggets of wisdom you'd like to share on the subject? I'm sure we've all learned a thing-or-two in pursuit of this ever-elusive balancing act...

Response by SFC Rich Carey made Jul 1 at 2014 12:56 PM

SFC Rich Carey — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 12:56:59 -0400

This takes time and effort. First you need to have a family meeting, to ensure everyone is on the same sheet of music. Establish goals and priorities. MAJ Ballinger is correct in stating the military forgets about you when you walk out the door. Sometimes what best is for your career may not be the best for the family and who will you be living with longer? For example, taking a short tour to Korea would be very difficult for me because my wife is from another country and doesn't drive. She can get by on her own, however having a little one in the house added to the complexity of the situation. What did work out better is a command sponsor tour to Korea, (It was great). However, if that option wasn't available then it was stay in place or take another state side tour or even retire from the military or walk out the door. As you can see, there is no one answer. By the way, I have a great marriage and the family is happy which means pappa is happy :-)

Response by SSG Lucas Lisitza made Jul 1 at 2014 1:34 PM

SSG Lucas Lisitza — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 13:34:18 -0400

I was single for a majority of the time I was in the Army, so my take on this is slightly different than those who are married or have kids.

When I signed my enlistment contract in Amarillo, TX in April of 2002 I understood that I was giving up everything (personal or otherwise) in order to serve in the Army. I took that contract for what it was: a temporary surrender of myself to the United States government.

Throughout my enlistment, I ended relationships because of what the Army needed of me; I volunteered for deployments so that soldiers with wives and children didn't have to deploy; I missed weddings, family gatherings, birthdays, and any other event in order to fulfill my obligation to the Army. I did not complain then nor do I complain now.

I don't see the sacrifice of joining the military as a "career", it is a commitment that (in my eyes) outweighs any other voluntary obligations (to include wives, husbands, children, family, etc).

In the end I guess I was over committed, but, while in the military, the military comes first; everything else can wait until you ETS, retire, or otherwise leave the service.

Just my 2 cents on the question.

Response by 1SG Steven Stankovich made Jul 1 at 2014 3:32 PM

1SG Steven Stankovich — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 15:32:19 -0400

I think that compromise, or maybe an even better term would be "information sharing" is critical. When it came time for talking with PERSCOM or HRC about a PCS or with the !SG or CSM about a duty position, I always made it a point to talk it over with my wife. She still understands how much wearing the uniform means to me and she has always been there to support me and my career. Given that, I have always tried to be cognizant of her and my kids' needs when it came to jobs and duty stations. It has been extremely helpful that my wife is an Army Brat and she is well aware and used to the military lifestyle, but I have never made a decision without her input.

Response by COL Jason Smallfield, PMP, CFM, CM made Jul 1 at 2014 7:45 PM

COL Jason Smallfield, PMP, CFM, CM — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 19:45:30 -0400

The short answer of whether decisions I have made over 22 years were based on what was best for family or for career is both family and career, family, and career. By this I mean that a person's priorities change over time and that a person's needs will change over time. Sometimes a decision based on career needs to take priority, sometimes what is best for family takes priority, and sometimes it is a compromise between the two. The trick is not prioritizing career or family over a career but rather when, or if, to prioritize one over the other at any specific point in your career. Once you understand this then the next thing to understand is that rarely in a career is a decision as black and white as career or family. Most often the decisions will be shades of grey in terms of advantages and disadvantages for career and for family.

Response by CPT Jacob Swartout made Jul 1 at 2014 9:26 PM

CPT Jacob Swartout — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 21:26:05 -0400

First nine years was for my career since I was single. Then I became engaged and married so the rest of my time was based on what is best for my family. That choice was to stay in and move up the ladder. Benefits kept me in to ensure my kids would have food, shelter, and health coverage.

Response by 1SG Mike Case made Jul 2 at 2014 8:37 PM

1SG Mike Case — Wed, 02 Jul 2014 20:37:37 -0400

I read this and thought this was a perfect way to decide what your decision should be. A long read but very worth it.

by Col. Mark BlumCommander, 212th Field Artillery Brigade, U.S. Army

My wife and I took our daughter to college a week ago. She's our last child to leave the house as our son has been in college for a couple of years now, and it seems a little empty right now. Phone calls and e-mail will be poor substitute for kitchen conversations, and it is difficult to envision exactly what she's doing, with whom, through a phone line. I suppose we'll have to get used to her being grown up, but I still remember the little girl who loved gymnastics and didn't like to play with dolls. As I look back, I wonder what I might have done differently if I'd known everything I know now. The Army is a great place to raise a kid, but I think I'd make a few changes given the chance. For instance, I remember a Thanksgiving in Germany as a major when I worked through the day and all night, only going home for an hour to wolf down some Thanksgiving dinner and then going back to work again. I don't even remember what the subject was, but I now know it wasn't important enough to miss Thanksgiving with my family. There are a lot of good reasons to spend time with your family, and far fewer good reasons not to. I've been in the field on my share of birthdays and holidays, and there's not too much we can do about that.
Still, here's what I'd change:

I'd leave work every day by 1800 if at all possible and earlier if I could. We work from before our children go to school until after they go to bed at night sometimes when they're small. How many hours might I have spent with them in the evening if I'd realized the chance doesn't come around again? I'd save less money and have more fun. I think I'd take more long summer vacations to really memorable places with the kids instead of making the PCS move part of the vacation. I'd make it a priority for them to see their grandparents more often, regardless of where we lived. I'd be more selective about the social engagements I accepted, even if it was "expected" that I attend. My kids "expected" that I'd be with them too, and I don't recall any banquets where my presence determined the outcome of the evening. Sometimes I made the wrong choice. I would pay more attention to which teachers my children had and less attention to the grades they made. I'd be more help on school projects and less irritated when they brought one to me for help at the last minute. I get things every day at work at the last minute, for a lot of reasons. I would be more understanding that it happens to kids, too. I'd go to all the PTA meetings, not just some, and every sports. Through the door at night I'd be more absorbed in their worlds. I could have thought about most of those problems after they went to bed. I'd throw a Frisbee more often with the kids and do less yard work. I can rake leaves anytime. We'd clean the house less and spend more time messing it up doing fun stuff. I'd never again lose a day of annual leave. One year I lost 24 days - what a waste. I once had a boss who talked about the difference between what's "urgent" and what's "important." He hadn't learned that lesson until late in his career, and didn't want others to make the same mistakes. He always worked long hours, even once missing his son's Eagle Scout initiation because of something happening he felt he needed to deal with, but later wished he'd left to someone else. He had three rules to determine the difference between "important" and "urgent," and if an event were important he'd offer that you should think long and hard before missing it. To him, an event is important if:
1. It is important to someone who's important to you;
2. Your personal presence makes a difference; and
3. The opportunity is not going to come around again.
If those three conditions are satisfied you have a pretty good idea what you should focus on. He would always use this one example: As a Division Commander his unit was having a Warfighter Exercise - a major event for a Division. One of the Brigade Commanders' daughters was starting her freshman year in college, and he indicated he was going to take her and get her settled, and would miss most of the exercise. As might be expected he was not real excited about one of his senior commanders missing the Warfighter, and pressured him to just have his wife take his daughter. The Brigade Commander insisted, even knowing he could be killing his career. After the Warfighter ended he said he gained a great deal of respect for that commander as a result of his decision, and took a hard look at some of the choices he'd made in his own career. His own wife had made him see the wisdom of the man's choice. Overall, I think military life has been great for my family, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. The choices I've made have been mine, and I haven't always made the right ones for the right reasons. Even so, kids survive parents learning "as we go." My advice is to make your choices wisely. The object for all of us is to make sure we run out of career before we run out of family. For more than 20 years we've had at least one kid in the house at all times. Now it's just as, which is what we had when we started, at least until Thanksgiving. We're already looking forward to that time this year!

Response by PVT Eunice Lee made Jul 9 at 2014 4:36 PM

PVT Eunice Lee — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 16:36:35 -0400

First, best for myself. But it originally started out with best for my family. It is good to know yourself first before answering this question, and knowing yourself will serve as a shortcut to doing what is best for ourselves. For me, it had always been about career. Family is important, but they are not going to kickstart your career for you, and if they do, great, but you are the one continuing the kickstart. Being a veteran has thoroughly been the best decision for me not because I don't like the service, but because it was the best decision for me. The career comes later.

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made Jul 25 at 2014 10:23 PM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Fri, 25 Jul 2014 22:23:28 -0400

As the majority of our esteemed colleagues have noted, it is a compromise. I chose to leave AD and go NG because having a family was a priority and neither of us felt that AD was for us from a family perspective. My wife understood what the benefits of my career were to me and our future and she supported me 110%. When I hurt my back and needed surgery 4 months before deploying, we agreed to let the doctors decide if I would be fit to go. We spent 15 months apart because neither of us wanted to deal with the emotions of a mid-tour leave. Now I'm retired with no regrets about the career choices I made.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 26 at 2014 9:03 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 26 Jul 2014 09:03:15 -0400

All the threads pretty much say what needs to be said. Your family is a paramount part of your career and will be affected by the decisions you make. It's a fine line to walk. There will be certain times in your career where you will absolutely have to take on a duty position that you may not want in order to ensure progression. Prior to going into any assignment, there is always a family discussion in my house. If you are married, your wife needs to be an integral part of the decision to be made. Military life can be challenging at times, with long periods of separation and a fast paced life style. The best advice I can give is to always consult with your family and think about the impact on their lives that a new job will cause. When the pace does slow down, use that time wisely to strengthen your family so that when you do leave again, you are strong and they are strong and ready for the challenge ahead. Lastly, when laying out assignment options for your family....I've always found that simply laying out the facts to your family instead of trying to "sell" them an assignment is always best.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Sep 12 at 2014 3:05 AM

SFC Mark Merino — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 03:05:07 -0400

I only had influence on my career one time.....the time I reenlisted for station of choice a month before my 10 yr mark (after that you are "Indef" and at everyone's mercy). I ALWAYS wanted to see Hawaii and they offered it. I was ecstatic. I called the now "ex" and she said. "I want to go to Fort Carson (CO). I was totally bummed but took Carson. I got there and was off for Iraq.

Response by MSgt John McGowan made Oct 26 at 2016 10:19 PM

MSgt John McGowan — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 22:19:44 -0400

2LT. I tried to take both in consideration when I faced That. It didn't workout every time but I did make one huge boo-boo. I think it cost me a E-8 rank, but I can never be sure. Besides, that was a long ago and there is no do overs. But I made one decision after I got out that is still paying off. After 20 years.