The hard talk: How do you talk to your loved ones about the future after you die?

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 09 Oct 2014 21:10:28 -0400

Last year I was in a "huddle" and they briefed us on our benefits and this website where you can go to show what benefits you and your family can get when you retire with this many years or that. It also shows what benefits your family would get if you died in theater or stateside. Ever since I have tried to give this resource to my Soldiers and others. It then opened up the topic: how do you talk to your loved ones about the future after you die? Many I know only talk about it before deployment, but you never know when you may be in an accident or killed stateside. How did you or how would you recommend starting the conversation and what would you recommend to ensure to include in the topic?

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made Oct 9 at 2014 9:50 PM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Thu, 09 Oct 2014 21:50:52 -0400

I think TSgt J.D. Hall is on to something in that it's an inevitable fact. There's no way to sugar coat it. We always approached as being a SMs responsibility and duty to insure their loved one's were taken care of when the time came. Its a difficult and cold topic to discuss but if you add a little touch of humor in like - "See how much I'll be worth to you when I go" - it makes it easier to discuss. My wife and I really started talking about it more when our kids were born as we had to have wills drawn up for their benefit if either or both of us kicked it.

Response by SGT Richard H. made Oct 9 at 2014 9:51 PM

SGT Richard H. — Thu, 09 Oct 2014 21:51:08 -0400

Yep, I've heard it, because it was directed right at me.

"You need more life insurance. I don't want to have to move to a smaller house if you die"

Response by MSG Wade Huffman made Oct 10 at 2014 7:05 AM

MSG Wade Huffman — Fri, 10 Oct 2014 07:05:15 -0400

These discussions, while difficult for many, need to be had, and they need to be revisited at every major life event (marriage, birth of a child, divorce, death of a loved one, etc.) as these events can all have an impact on your own end of life plans.
There is no use to try to sugar coat it... the best way to start is just to simply say "I think we should talk about what will happen when I / you / we die". The discussion should include, at a minimum, life insurance, retirements/pensions/SBP/Social Security, Wills, living wills, medical power of attorney, locations of all important documents, guardianship of minor children, and funeral plans.
By having the discussions, and keeping you end of life planning up to date, you are really doing yourself and your loved ones a huge favor by taking care of many of the questions that come up at a time when we may not be able to objectively process the situation..

Response by CSM Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 10 at 2014 7:55 AM

CSM Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 10 Oct 2014 07:55:18 -0400

That is one of those "necessity" conversations. I had a good friend who recently lost their spouse. There were all sorts of issues in the weeks/months that followed. Finding insurance policies, passwords to accounts, etc.....

I recommend putting together a packet (The Army loves packets) with all of the specific information. Make sure they have access to your updated Will, POA, and so on.. (your huddle should have covered all of that).

As far as bringing up the topic, I recommend the Matter of Fact approach. But if you have all of your stuff in order, makes it a lot easier. Death is a part of life. We all have to face it. Let your significant other know that you are having the conversation to make the stress easier on them!

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Oct 10 at 2014 8:54 AM

MSG Brad Sand — Fri, 10 Oct 2014 08:54:31 -0400

It is a fact, you are going to die. The only question is when and how? The real question is, do you want your family taken care of or do you want them to have cover your ass while trying to deal with losing you? If you are selfish and don't care about your family, don't listen to this briefing on benefits, but if you are an adult, a soldier and care about your family, listen to the briefing and then actually do what you have been briefed on!

It really is not hard Sir, but it is uncomfortable to be reminded we have precious little time on this planet...and to use some of it to listen to a briefing again.

Response by 1SG Nick Baker made Oct 28 at 2015 8:58 PM

1SG Nick Baker — Wed, 28 Oct 2015 20:58:24 -0400

I started early in the marriage back in '79. We had to make a NEO packet in Germany. We still have that info gathered today for any emergency.