Spoiling your kids post-deployment.

2014-07-27T16:03:28-04:00

I think I'm about the worst dad around. I was gone for most of my son's first year, so now I do nothing but cater to him. He's learning at 18 mo's that all he has to do is cry and I'll do whatever he wants. Anyone else dealing with this? I would like to play the "tough dad", but I can't. I feel guilty for not being there early on.

Response by SGT Blair Drechsel made Jul 27 at 2014 9:13 PM

2014-07-27T21:13:00-04:00

That's a tough one, I'm about to face the same situation so I would love to hear some good input on this!

Response by CPT Richard Riley made Jul 27 at 2014 10:48 PM

2014-07-27T22:48:08-04:00

Maj, I guess to me it depends on how you define 'spoil'. Your kids are all unique and a part of you. You miss them when you're gone and away from them tremendously. Of my 6 kids, I was only away from my oldest two girls for about 11ish months - they were 4 and new at that time. All these years later what I remember is a great sense of never wanting to let them go again. You don't need to feel guilty for doing your job. You show them you're responsible, you show them they can depend on you & you'll keep your word.

Being with them, hugging them, spending time with them, letting them know just how much you love them is not spoiling them - that is just being a dad. 'Being a tough dad' seems to me to have more to do with discipline ... every parent and couple have their own way of approaching that. Being fair and consistent in how you discipline does not make you tough, and you're not 'spoiling them' unless you mean spoil them with love and that is not a bad thing at all.

You do your best to reassure them that you will ALWAYS be there for them, even if there may be a time that you are physically away from them, you are always and forever with them. That will never change. This isn't exactly the same, but the premise is similar .... as they grow up and sleep in their own room, there are times when they seek you out in the middle of the night because they just want to feel safe and close. You explain that just because they are in their own room, they do not have to worry that you are not there. As they get comfortable with sleeping alone in their room they slowly realize that mom and dad are right there in the house with them and it's really easy to get them so the fear or anxiety of being separated from you lessens ... and in time, they become very comfortable with their room.

Military families face this all too often. It is never easy, but it can be solved in a way that the kids KNOW without a doubt mom and dad love them forever and they will always be your kids. That never changes. --- SO, when he cries, comfort him, console him and let him know that you're always there - it doesn't have to be buying him something or taking him somewhere. Spoil the heck out of them with time, love, interest, and support in what they do. That will pay off now and years into the future.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Sep 13 at 2014 11:59 PM

2014-09-13T23:59:39-04:00

You and most other guilt ridden dads MAJ Private RallyPoint Member It isn't natural to disappear for as long as we do/did. When I got home the first time my little man was terrified because he had no idea who I was (....or maybe he figured out he would grow up to look just like me?) Anyway, All of you who still wear a uniform are subject to experiencing that hardship again. It is only natural for you to want to spoil the kids rotten. Just beware of the spouse ho has to deal with the aftermath if you have to deploy again. All that doting might make us feel better and the kids feel good, but the whiplash effect can be painful on everybody. Of course, I'm divorced now and my input requires intense scrutiny.

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made Sep 14 at 2014 11:23 AM

2014-09-14T11:23:49-04:00

Went through it already. I was at GTMO when my oldest started walking. When I got home after 2 months in the hospital - long story - I was all over him with attention. I felt I had missed so much that I owed it to him. Don't even get me started on Chri$tma$ (I got home in October) After a while when I was back to work, life equalized and things got back to normal. Go for the spoiling MAJ Dews, you only get one chance. Next thing you know (my situation) he's 13, taller than you and needs to start shaving - EEGHAD!!!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

Response by SSgt Christopher "TEX" F. made Sep 14 at 2014 12:03 PM

2014-09-14T12:03:27-04:00

Be thankful! I flew C-17s in the Air Force, I'm a Loadmaster. I had ten years in, before being injured ouside of Balad (2005) and being medically, non-voluntarily, separated on disability (2007). I was 26 when I went in, had been married 2.5 years , my son was two and my daughter five months old. From then on, I missed a big chunk of their lives. As a C-17 Aviator, you're gone [at least] 300 days every year. When I was home, I wasnt really home, because I had to fly local training missions; simulators; in the squadron doing pubs checks; squadron details; Commander's Calls; etc; etc. I only had one, maybe two quality weeks with my family a year. But hey, that's the life I chose, the life I signed up for. I did know it was going to be that isolated at the time of signing though. Be thankful for what you have.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 14 at 2014 12:30 PM

2014-09-14T12:30:25-04:00

My greatest wish and greatest pain pre and post deployment - I call this, hurricane Jacob:

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 14 at 2014 1:42 PM

2014-09-14T13:42:27-04:00

Well I may not be a father but my two nieces have me figured out pretty well for such a young age. They dont cry for stuff but sure know how to manipulate me for being able to see as much as they want me to. The oldest is 10 and the other is 6 and if theres something my sister cant afford or just wont get them they come to me.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 14 at 2014 8:53 PM

2014-09-14T20:53:52-04:00

Great question Sir, especially as I'm leaving just after my sons third birthday.

I'll say this just so we're clear: there is a difference between spoiling the child and not disciplining when necessary. First off, you and your wife need to get together and set the rules by which your child will abide. You need to both be on the same page, all the time, and back each other up. The rules don't change because daddy is gone or daddy has come back home. Children thrive on schedule and stability, one set of rules is a good way to help foster that.

As for your guilt, that's all in your head. The boy will never remember you being gone for his first year, nor will he hold it against you. You don't need to be the tough dad, or the favorite parent. Rather, consider yourself one half of a parenting tag team.