Should you be honest that you are in the military on dating websites?

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 11 Dec 2014 23:32:00 -0500

Given the current threats of ISIS and other organizations trying to attack us online and kill us in person as well as the ever famous BAH hunters should military service members be honest about their profession on dating websites? Should they avoid putting up photos of them in uniform? When do you tell them what you do for a living?

Response by SFC A.M. Drake made Dec 11 at 2014 11:39 PM

SFC A.M. Drake — Thu, 11 Dec 2014 23:39:38 -0500

I wonder about this myself...one must be cautious, however we cannot be afraid of living life too!

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 3 at 2015 7:25 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 19:25:55 -0500

I'm bumping this thread because I got asked to help a friend with his online dating profile and this issue came up. I would love to hear what the RP community thinks. I feel like leaving it out is a pretty big "gotcha." From my perspective, I would hate to find out on a date that the guy is an enlisted Soldier. What about all the email exchanges and texts that already happened? Could I be blackmailed? It is sad but I always ask if someone is an official citizen of the US (even if there appears to be no doubt) and if they have any connection to the military. I ask in a fun, get-to-know-you kind of way, but you guys all know why.

Separate question, but I don't know that it warrants it's own thread...Is finding out a female is an Army Officer a turn off? I am not talking to you enlisted service members - I know the deal. But what about vets? What about vets from other services? Is it a no-go?

Response by SSG (ret) William Martin made Jan 3 at 2015 7:25 PM

SSG (ret) William Martin — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 19:25:58 -0500

For my single battle buddies, the part where you tell your potential mate that you are in the military can wait for the meeting in person or during electronic communication.

Response by PO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 3 at 2015 7:32 PM

PO3 Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 19:32:07 -0500

I wouldn't put it out on the web, but if I were chatted up, I would disclose whether or not I were military. It can be kind of an important thing.

As an example, when I was in Nuclear Field "A" School it was in Orlando, FL. One Saturday night I was clubbing with friends and met a girl. Things went *really* well until Monday morning when I saw the girl in formation, wearing khakis and the rank of Ensign...

Ever since then, ANYTIME I met someone out in town NEAR a base, I asked the question, lol...

Response by A1C Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 3 at 2015 9:56 PM

A1C Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 21:56:55 -0500

From experience, I would say yes, when I first was on the site, I didn't have it on there. I had more scumbags than after I added it. I was also looking more for a military guy, since that's my preference. And it made it much more clear I was not one of those BAH hunters.

Response by SSG Tim Everett made Jan 4 at 2015 1:06 AM

SSG Tim Everett — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 01:06:55 -0500

Oh G-d. Online dating... horror stories.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 4 at 2015 4:43 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 04:43:51 -0500

There are too many people out there, male and female, who would try to get some sort of personal gain from it. Whether it be by trying to woo a SM in an attempt to get that BAH and Tricare or to somehow use it as blackmail or just go plain crazy and make the SMs life miserable (which can be said about traditional dating as well, I know.) It could also open the SM up to people who would wish to do them harm.

Response by PFC Kevin Adrian made Jan 4 at 2015 5:13 PM

PFC Kevin Adrian — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 17:13:50 -0500

I have been married for over thirty years and had dating websites been around then I would have said I was in the Army. That being said, in today's environment I would be hesitant to put that information out there for security concerns. Thoughts?

Response by Maj Chris Nelson made Jan 4 at 2015 7:59 PM

Maj Chris Nelson — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 19:59:22 -0500

Actually, I am married, so have no time or interest in this. I would be cautious about posting up military on these sites...tho you can tell what you do (nurse, doctor, administrative specialist, administrator, police)...now artillery and infantry may have a bit more difficult time coming up with a civilian equivalent.....

Response by A1C Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 4 at 2015 8:22 PM

A1C Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 20:22:31 -0500

The site I used did not allow real names on the profile, or phone numbers, or addresses. I had it on there to reassure the guys I was looking for that I was not a BAH hunter. I was specifically looking for a military guy. After I found the wonderful man I am with now I deleted the profile, and we have been happily together for 9 months now.

Response by TSgt Joshua Copeland made Jan 4 at 2015 9:56 PM

TSgt Joshua Copeland — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 21:56:26 -0500

I think online dating site are just a bad idea in general for military folks.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2015 1:48 AM

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 01:48:05 -0500

Hide it as long as you can, tell her you are in an organization that is very secretive about their work...and if you tell her what you do, they may want to kill her...if she sticks around and finds out it is only the military...she stay...and she is a keeper.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2015 2:55 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 02:55:52 -0500

You have to at least admit to being affiliated with the military. Avoiding enlisted-officer relationships is vital to the integrity of the force. Some simple steps could be setting up a profile in a metro area close to where you stay if you live in a military town, or making sure that you state your level, enlisted or officer, in your profile, not your rank or service mind you, just a simple statement about your status.

Response by CMSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2015 4:59 AM

CMSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 04:59:30 -0500

Not so sure about the photo idea, but I would absolutely be honest. Why start a relationship based on anything but honesty?

Response by PV2 Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2015 10:51 AM

PV2 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 10:51:08 -0500

Having been on a dating site recently before deleting my profile it has been my experience that those on their who brag are usually Nigerian romance scams. I did go out with someone online who was a veteran and was could tell he was a vet just by talking on the phone to him prior to our date.

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2015 10:55 AM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 10:55:15 -0500

I would say no, to be safe, and make it part of your discussion once you've established some sort of dialog and determined the individual is legitimate (i.e., not a terrorist).

Response by Capt Richard I P. made Jan 5 at 2015 10:58 AM

Capt Richard I P. — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 10:58:52 -0500

I'm uncomfortable enough with the info I'm giving away for free on LinkedIn and RallyPoint.

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Jan 5 at 2015 11:06 AM

SGM Erik Marquez — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 11:06:39 -0500

I'm reasonable sure if I were to post on dating web site, regardless of what I post or if I include military service ISIS is the least of my worries.
So if I do post to a dating web site and later you read a story about a horrible accident I had.....Remember I never typically tie myself up in bed, douse my body with gas and smoke in bed ... Heck I don't even smoke....

Please suspect the story and seek the truth

lol

Response by CSM David Heidke made Jan 5 at 2015 11:18 AM

CSM David Heidke — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 11:18:25 -0500

When I was on dating sites (ugh... yes), I put a picture of myself in uniform.

First, I look damn good in it.

Second, it's who I am. I've had some ask me inappropriate questions about it, like "do you have PTSD?" Some who scoffed at it (I wonder why they initiated contact to begin with). Those who didn't like it got weeded out pretty quick.

Third, I am pretty daring on social media. I can defend myself, and I keep the right things private.

I say, go for it.

Response by LCpl Steve Wininger made Jan 5 at 2015 12:07 PM

LCpl Steve Wininger — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 12:07:57 -0500

If it were me, and I was still actively serving, I would say yes. Each person has to make their own judgment call on this. I think the greater threat is when a service member goes into too much detail too soon about what they do in the military, when they ship out and so forth.

Common sense goes a long way in combat, and can go just as far in garrison. Just my two cents!

Response by LCDR John Sahlin made Jan 5 at 2015 5:04 PM

LCDR John Sahlin — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 17:04:01 -0500

I say go ahead. If you just Google your name, you're likely to find out easily enough that you are active or prior military simply by being a member on RP.

That said, OPSEC is always a concern. I wouldn't get into specifics of job type, MOS, etc.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2015 7:04 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 19:04:36 -0500

Full Disclosure: I met my wife online in 1998 (we married in 1999), but not on a dating site.

When I was single I did not tell folks right away that I was in the Army. Instead I said I worked for the US Government to keep some personal details hidden until I knew the person a little better.
However, before talking on the phone or meeting for a blind date, I always made sure that she knew I was in the Army in case that was something she could not deal with.

Response by TSgt William Lounsbery made Jan 5 at 2015 7:10 PM

TSgt William Lounsbery — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 19:10:32 -0500

Never give out occupation to online dating sites. Be general and only offer that information to actual dates in person.

Response by 1SG Cameron M. Wesson made Jan 5 at 2015 7:28 PM

1SG Cameron M. Wesson — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 19:28:43 -0500

OK... I'm working at a minus here as I've been married to the same woman for 27 years.

That being said, every relationbship... To include my wife... I was completely honest about who I was... And what I was. Why? Truth in advertising and establishing a baseline of trust to build on... Not to mention the fact that I wasn't going to spend a great deal effort with a person that was not interested in the "real me". Not a great deal of relationship building if the start is on lies and mythfabrications.

On the opposite side... I wanted honesty upfront also. Again same reasons.

Why? The time to find out, let's say, she is a mother of two and not yet divorced is not when she invites you over for dinner after the third date... Just saying.. And yes that happened to me.

What also happened to me was my wife. Again being honest may not be sexy... But it did pay off. Oh she was two years older than I and a senior in college... And I was an 11B SP4... yes I said SP4.

Response by SFC Aaron Finley made Jan 5 at 2015 9:27 PM

SFC Aaron Finley — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 21:27:33 -0500

Be honest, but you don't has to share your life story on these dating sites. Save some information for a dinner date.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2015 10:36 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 22:36:07 -0500

Tinder is the only "dating" app/site I have ever been on, but aside from the picture I use on this site, I don't mention military affiliation at all. My nametape is covered in the picture, and Tinder only uses first names. That being said I feel fairly comfortable with my profile.

Response by SSG Michael Herzog made Jan 9 at 2015 9:00 AM

SSG Michael Herzog — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 09:00:36 -0500

Besides a lack of dating sites 20 years ago...... I can't see how even dating was a possibility? How could you not tell them at least after the second date. In the 48 months I was stationed at Ft Bragg I was deployed for 44 of them? I think there is an assumption of a military background unless you are hiding your location. You have a picture with a haircut and you are posting from Fayetteville, or Killeen?

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 25 at 2015 8:12 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 25 Mar 2015 20:12:13 -0400

I started using tinder over a year ago when I first pcs'ed to Colorado Springs because everyone was using it. And I had 1 picture posted in uniform with my rank showing but my nametape was covered. Sure enough I found my current non-military boyfriend on there and he said he had always wanted to be with an Army chick. We have been going steady for a year now. :)

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 30 at 2015 12:46 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 12:46:02 -0400

The problem is that regardless of whether you tell someone you're in the military, any given individual will likely be able to figure out you serve just by looking at you.

That being said, OPSEC should always be observed in ANY situation. Members are often told not to post private information for public dissemination. This should be the same on dating websites.

Response by SGT Rick Ash made Sep 3 at 2015 12:36 PM

SGT Rick Ash — Thu, 03 Sep 2015 12:36:49 -0400

You wouldn't want to date a woman that had reservations about the military would you? The women that do respond are your best choice.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 24 at 2015 11:20 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 24 Oct 2015 23:20:31 -0400

After establishing a rapport, maybe meeting, ... I say yes, just be right up front about it. I don't think it's going to change the outcome.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Oct 25 at 2015 4:12 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 16:12:30 -0400

Most people embellish or polishes themselves up. I said I was an ill tempered dishwasher lol.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 29 at 2015 12:12 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Oct 2015 12:12:05 -0400

I'm honest about being in the military - I do not say what it is that I do in the military...as that is best for a later conversation.

Regarding the threat of IS or whomever else might be specifically targeting military - I'm aware of my surroundings and if they mistakenly want to attempt an attack on me, pray it be a gsw to the head or some other vital area that renders immediate death - because if not, I won't miss.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Oct 29 at 2015 1:11 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 29 Oct 2015 13:11:22 -0400

I put in that I was an uncouth dish washer.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 29 at 2015 1:30 PM

Sgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Oct 2015 13:30:11 -0400

Sir, Split the difference. Be honest and reveal that you are in the military, while posting a picture in civilian clothes. Hiding important information about yourself is not the right way to start a possible long term relationship.

Response by SrA Edward Vong made Oct 29 at 2015 2:45 PM

SrA Edward Vong — Thu, 29 Oct 2015 14:45:37 -0400

I told them my line of work leaving military out of the picture. This wasn't to protect myself from terrorist or ISIS or anything. It was more to avoid contact with BAH hunters, and those who want to date a military guy because it's cool. Before this I ran a small social experiment. As I wear my hair much differently I thought I'd pull the superman effect. I had two profiles on a dating site I will keep anonymous. One with pictures of myself in uniform (covering my name tape of course) and one being my real profile.

I got more responses with my "military profile".

Response by LCpl Ash Carson made Oct 29 at 2015 8:42 PM

LCpl Ash Carson — Thu, 29 Oct 2015 20:42:50 -0400

I would be very cautious of what I would put up. You can inform them your in the military but I wouldn't feel comfortable posting pictures of myself in uniform at first.

Response by PV2 Violet Case made Oct 29 at 2015 10:03 PM

PV2 Violet Case — Thu, 29 Oct 2015 22:03:35 -0400

I feel the person needs to no but some people are after the uniform in one way or another. I say put up a few civilian pictures do a small mention of military in your profile. Like job area active duty ect. and stop at that. Explain your likes and dislikes and what you are looking for and let things go from there. You can weed out the girls or guys as you go. But then I have been single a long time myself. Just the mention of being injured makes most run anyway. But wait until the full trust is there before you talk to much I would say about the military to protect yourself these days.

Response by Sgt Cody Dumont made Oct 29 at 2015 10:58 PM

Sgt Cody Dumont — Thu, 29 Oct 2015 22:58:50 -0400

You make a good point. I am glad I am not dating any longer. Married 17 years

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 30 at 2015 10:11 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 10:11:17 -0400

I had a friend recently ask me if I knew a few guys. These 4-5 guys are in my unit and from my det. 3 hours away.I asked how she knew them, they were all on Tinder in their uniforms. She's not in the military and I kind of chuckled (there sweet AT pics!) I personally wouldn't put any pictures of myself in uniform on a site. As for disclosure for being in the military, that's probably something you could tell someone if you felt close enough to share your last name. I'd be reserved, although eventually if your going to see someone they should know early on. All this online stuff is the new norm, but you should be aware who you talk to. Most importantly be safe and use good judgement.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 30 at 2015 10:17 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 10:17:38 -0400

Half naked uniform pictures on my Tinder, of course.

Response by Maj Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 30 at 2015 10:29 AM

Maj Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 10:29:22 -0400

Such a difficult qustion. Don't lie about what you for a living and don't make what you it into some superhero type every day.

Response by PFC Don Jenks made Dec 4 at 2019 6:45 AM

PFC Don Jenks — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 06:45:25 -0500

I'm glad I found this as I was wondering myself. I finally decided to try online dating. I believe in being upfront about being in the military but not get into details. The only thing is I'd rather date another service member than a civilian so sometimes dating is limited.