Should I withdraw my OTS application and fight for custody or go and risk only seeing my son a few times a year?

2016-03-08T12:12:26-05:00

I'm a reservist that's been selected to attend OTS and UPT (active duty). I'm facing a completely unanticipated problem. I'm a new father (which is awesome) but my former fiance' has decided she no longer wants a relationship. I only see two options: 1) withdraw my OTS application and fight for joint custody or 2) go and risk only seeing my son a few times a year. I'm at a complete loss. Thoughts?

Response by LTC Stephen F. made Mar 8 at 2016 12:13 PM

2016-03-08T12:13:52-05:00

That is a great song title 2d Lt Private RallyPoint Member
If the reason she wants to bail on the relationship is because of your military service and the risks to you then I would considering staying where you are.
However I suspect there is more going on in the mother of your child's heart and mind.
I think you should follow your dream. You don't know what the future holds for you, your child and his mother. I recommend you pursue the OTS and UPT but do your best to keep a relationship with the mother of your son. In any event always teach you son to respect his mother no matter what she does - she will always be his mother. Do your best to treat his mother with respect whenever you are interacting with her. Try to listen more and talk less.

Response by SPC(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 8 at 2016 12:15 PM

2016-03-08T12:15:47-05:00

I'd fight for custody and continue with the OTS application.

Response by SFC Josh Billingsley made Mar 8 at 2016 12:17 PM

2016-03-08T12:17:56-05:00

Active duty would have presented you with some of the same hardships before this happened. You only would have seen your son briefly during your training, and after that it depends on your assignment. I would weigh the options. A few months of time when they are young is worth setting yourself up for success for a lifetime for you and yours. The question is, do you have a plan for care of the child while you are in training, and (I don't know the likelihood of this) if you are deployed? If you can come up with a solid plan, I say go for it. I raised 3 boys as a single father in the Army for almost 4 years, and I was a Drill Sergeant for 2 of them. I still have a great relationship with my kids, and putting in the work while they were young allowed me to set us up for success later. I'm not going to pretend this is an easy choice. best of luck to you.

Response by CW3(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 8 at 2016 12:20 PM

2016-03-08T12:20:22-05:00

First let me say ive been married for 25 yrs. Not all peaches and cream. We almost divorced so i get thinking about seeing your children occasionally. But in saying that as parents to a child (wether youre together or not), it would be kind of hypocritical to tell your kids "never let anyone stop you from your dreams" and then you do it. You have to be true to yourself. When we were split i made the most of my time with them and made sure they knew im always there. And it all worked out. I hope this helps. Good luck

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 8 at 2016 12:26 PM

2016-03-08T12:26:45-05:00

2d Lt Private RallyPoint Member The choice is for you alone to make. You know what the circumstances of your relationship are better than any one else, you need to be honest with yourself about that. Realistically look at what your child visitation/parenting would look like if you were not active duty. Take this into consideration. You do need to ensure your legal standing regarding your child, you need to do it now before there is any animosity (hopefully there isn't already). There is legislation in place to prevent your losing custody of your child because of your military service. Others have come before you to pave the way. You need to look specifically for information on "Legal rights of military fathers", the 2003 bill called the Service Members Civil Relief Act, signed by President Bush, is the main guide for deployed fathers. Next you need to look in to what support options are there for you as a Airman through your family readiness group. Also keep in mind there are men who have full custody of their children and still serve their country. Support networks are out there, you need to not overlook them before you make your final decision. Good Luck, I hope it all turns out very well for you.

Response by 2d Lt Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 8 at 2016 12:36 PM

2016-03-08T12:36:39-05:00

Almost everyone I've spoken with (to include my CO and a well-respected family law attorney in my area) has advised that I push forward with my career plans. The logic being that I could leverage my status and income as a USAF officer to later on to convince a court that I will be able to better provide for my son's future. However, as someone that grew up in a split household, I can say affirmatively that it sucks. Bad. I'm also aware that courts tend to favor the mother. Even in a situations like mine where I [the father] have a house (homeowner), no debt, secure finances, a clear path forward career-wise and the mother does not have these things established. Given the lifestyle and work schedule of an active-duty USAF pilot, I just don't see how I'd ever be able to convince a court to even award joint custody.

This is tough because I've wanted to be a military pilot since I was a kid. This wouldn't be just a job, but a chance to do something I'm really passionate about and to literally double my income. I'm potentially looking at retirement in approximately 12 years. But it's hard to imagine only seeing my son a few times a year--I've seen this happen many times to broken active duty families. It's a tough pill to swallow. I've made my career aspirations known to her since we met and up until a few months ago she's always been real supportive. I've tried everything I can think of to salvage this relationship. She's made clear she has no interest in continuing this relationship. I'm at a crossroads. Any guidance is much appreciated. If I've maybe missed something, tell me. If you have had to deal with a similar situation, let me know what you did.

Response by Capt Mark Strobl made Mar 8 at 2016 1:06 PM

2016-03-08T13:06:18-05:00

2d Lt Private RallyPoint Member - Fortunately, or unfortunately, it has been realized early that you two weren't going to make it as husband & wife. If the Air Force can provide you career stability, it is up to you to provide family stability. As I see this, you have two goals: 1.) become a USAF pilot, and 2.) become a great father --not necessarily in that priority. But, one will enable the other.

And I defer to LTC Stephen F.'s sage advice.

Response by LTC Thomas Tennant made Mar 8 at 2016 1:55 PM

2016-03-08T13:55:15-05:00

I am seeing a theme in the comments so far. It is called be true to yourself and follow your dream. I agree with one of the people responding and that there is more here than meets the eye when it comes to your lady. You can not make her respect you and your realistic dreams I do not think she could if you ever hit a rough patch. She may love you but only on her terms. You may try but I think you may never get to ground truth by talking with her at this time. So....take a step back, continue to march on your plan while maintaining a seasoned

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Mar 8 at 2016 3:35 PM

2016-03-08T15:35:25-05:00

Go to OTS and UPT. I'm assuming you love the child and the child's mother. Ask her to set a date to marry as soon as you complete OTS. If you need to influence her with some logic, explain the benefits of being a family in the Service. For example, good pay, free health care, opportunity to travel, guaranteed employment for several years. Also, most Air Force installations are in good locations and pretty nice places to work and live. Add the proven psychological, physical, and social advantages for a child growing up with two parents. If she turns down that offer, then there's much more wrong in the relationship than you've explained in your question. A marriage under any circumstances to her probably wouldn't work out. In that case, love your child, provide for him, and treat his mother with respect. But, go on your way and become a great officer and outstanding pilot.

By the way, get a lawyer who's familiar with laws that apply to Service members. The court proceedings addressing joint custody will take a while. You may have rights as an active duty service member working to your advantage when it comes to court dates, etc.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Mar 8 at 2016 7:47 PM

2016-03-08T19:47:33-05:00

Is your ex capable of crashing and burning?

Response by TSgt Stephen Potter made Mar 10 at 2016 2:10 PM

2016-03-10T14:10:40-05:00

I wasn't selected for OTS or UPT. I was a reservist when my daughter was born in 2001. My ETS was June 2002. I could have stayed in and deployed when the military needed me or be part of my daughters life during her early development of who she is today. I decided to get out of the military for time being. The relationship that I have with my daughter is awesome. No stripe or military honors will come close to the time that we have spent together. I am a firefighter, the days that I was off duty I spent with my daughter. I am happy with my decision. Because I'm back in the reserves. I am a patriot and Desert Shield/Storm veteran and nothing to be ashamed of.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 19 at 2019 5:08 PM

2019-06-19T17:08:36-04:00

You can fight for joint custody without giving up OTS/UPT. The court overseeing the case can’t make a decision on the custody case while you are on active duty for training purposes. Now, if you are choosing to go AD after graduating, that is a different thing altogether.