Scenario Question: You live on post, your neighbor deployed and you see guys coming over all hours of the night. What do you do?

SSG Robert Burns — Mon, 12 May 2014 16:26:37 -0400

I've experienced this myself and you may think you know what you'll do but there are so many factors to consider.
How will this effect him while he's gone knowing his wife is cheating? How will this effect his kids? Etc. How do you handle this situation.
To clarify, the spouse in this scenario is a civilian.
*ADDED* Loyalty, one of the Army Values. Is it disloyal to not at least tell him what you saw? How would he picture you if he came home and found out on his own and asked you about it. And you tell him you did see some "movement?"

Response by CPT Zachary Brooks made May 12 at 2014 4:36 PM

CPT Zachary Brooks — Mon, 12 May 2014 16:36:55 -0400

This is a hard one. Part of me wants to confront the spouse, part of me wants to inform the soldier so he is aware, and part of me wants to mind my own damn business. I honestly cannot say what I would do, but likely telling the soldier would be the best thing I could do. Tell him what I see, but no opinions otherwise.

Response by SFC Stephen Carden made May 12 at 2014 4:49 PM

SFC Stephen Carden — Mon, 12 May 2014 16:49:15 -0400

I have actually experienced this. The only two differences in the scenario are that he asked me to keep an eye on her, and I actually caught her "getting busy" (keeping it PG) on an air conditioning unit in a neighbors backyard! Having been through this myself as the guy being cheated on, I absolutely told him. I waited until he got back from deployment though. He didn't need to have that on his mind downrange. I would absolutely want someone to tell me. Nobody likes being made a fool of. They were divorced, he was reassigned to Alaska where he met and married a very nice nurse, and she ended up marrying the A/C guy and they are still married to this day. By the way, that is one sight I will never forget as long as I live.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made May 12 at 2014 4:55 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 12 May 2014 16:55:17 -0400

The rear detachment chain of command is there for a reason (I was a rear d 1SG) tell them your concerns and they will handle the situation properly.

I had a large company as a rear-d 1SG (334 Soldiers to be exact) and dealt with stuff like this all the time. Based off your scenario though, they are only assumptions. It is a grey area that is sometimes hard to navigate through. Making friends with the MPs was very beneficial to me early on!!

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 12 at 2014 5:04 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 12 May 2014 17:04:32 -0400

If he is my friend I would tell him. If not, then I would ignore it. Might cause more harm then good.

Response by Maj Chris Nelson made May 12 at 2014 5:10 PM

Maj Chris Nelson — Mon, 12 May 2014 17:10:53 -0400

Unless you live in that house, you may not really know what you are seeing.... I agree, this type of thing does happen. But do you KNOW that there are no plumbing, electrical, heat, AC issues? Do you KNOW that there is not an illness in the family? Do you KNOW that there is a dirty little secrete going on? Unless you KNOW, things can often give the wrong impression. Report to the chain of command or, if good enough friends with the family, talk to the spouse and ask if everything is ok as you keep seeing people coming by while the husband is away?!

Response by CW2 Private RallyPoint Member made May 12 at 2014 5:11 PM

CW2 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 12 May 2014 17:11:46 -0400

This one is pretty rough...on all sides!

1. I have been the deployed SM, and my neighbors told me when I got back (twice) I have to admit that I really appreciated them talking to me about it.

2. There are all kinds of interesting people in this world, some with some very interesting 'lifestyles'...so you COULD be invading someone's private life...

3. It really could be a completely innocent thing! And by approaching the CoC you may have just stirred up a hornet's nest that really did not exist in the first place, causing strife in a marriage and possibly unneeded investigations.

I guess in conclusion, there really is no 'right' answer...go with your gut and do what you feel is morally and ethically right.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made May 12 at 2014 5:15 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 12 May 2014 17:15:21 -0400

My major dilemma here would be stressing somebody downrange. We all know what that's like. I would hate to make some poor guy have a miserable tour because all he's picturing is Sancho rolling up at his house every night - especially if there's nothing really going on.

/I feel the need to justify - if you don't know what the term "Sancho" means, please know it's nothing racist. It's a very old term.

Response by MSG Brad Sand made May 12 at 2014 5:42 PM

MSG Brad Sand — Mon, 12 May 2014 17:42:36 -0400

While 'confront' the spouse might not be the right word, I hope I would try and find out what is really going on? As far as we know...really...this could be her lawyer discussing the divorce the deployed soldier filed? I think we need to be careful jumping to conclussions.
I have also faced this kind of betrayal, but everyone needs to take a deep breath and get the facts.
IF it turns out she is cheating, jump the slug, tie him to a tree in the woods and cover him in honey. Give him a helpful suggestion that if he is ever caught near this house while the deployed soldier is still married, his family will not have a body to bury.

Response by SSG Robert Burns made May 12 at 2014 6:02 PM

SSG Robert Burns — Mon, 12 May 2014 18:02:13 -0400

For those who say "its none of my business" let me ask this. If you saw someone robbing his house would it be your business? Would you not tell him that? Why then wouldn't you tell him if someone was stealing (for lack of a better term) his wife?
Im not saying you are wrong or right; just giving a comparison.

Response by MSgt Keith Hebert made May 12 at 2014 6:04 PM

MSgt Keith Hebert — Mon, 12 May 2014 18:04:07 -0400

When the SM returned I would pick a appropriate time tell him what I saw and make no assumptions

Response by MSG Floyd Williams made May 12 at 2014 6:32 PM

MSG Floyd Williams — Mon, 12 May 2014 18:32:53 -0400

SSG Burns, it is a very sensitive situation personally I couldn't the soldier his wife have been unfaithful, you have to think about the consequences. What if the soldier lose control of himself and kill his spouse? It is the same as you taking part in this murder. What if the soldier kill his wife, children, and himself? Is the blood on your hands as well? Maybe you can tell the spouse the dangers of infidelity, or go to the soldier 1st Sergeant about the matter. Think about the mess you have stepped into, some kind of way it is going to effect you. The question is are you willing to step forward with this information? Are you willing to be expose to the military community of being the one witnessing adultery?

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made May 12 at 2014 6:51 PM

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 12 May 2014 18:51:48 -0400

SSG Burns,

I would take her aside, perhaps invite her to lunch, let the conversation wander into the land of how are things going, feelings about deployment, challenges, anything I might do to help, learn how she is maintaining her support system.

I think there is an assumption about disloyalty here that could be many other things not the least of which are mere difficulties coping and asking for help with simple things like leaky faucets, computer problems, etc. She may be the helping kind who is taking in washing, ironing, tailoring, or tutoring others in cooking, foreign language, math, etc.

As sexist as this may sound, guys might want to ask a women to suss this out.
Stiff words like confront / inform are perhaps too strong given intel to date.
In the end, counseling to backup, take stock, and reform may be needed.
Other mature military women and wives may be helpful in the process.
Remember, many of us prefer to embrace reform - not retribution.
None of us is perfect - nor should any of us pretend to be so.
Sometimes the relationship and support are paramount.

Warmest Regards, Sandy

Response by CW2 Private RallyPoint Member made May 12 at 2014 7:05 PM

CW2 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 12 May 2014 19:05:33 -0400

I would confront the spouse about the issue first to remind him (or her in this case) what's what when it comes to marriage. Next, I would inform the Soldier and Chain of Command so they can work out a plan to get him/her and the spouse the help they need to try and repair the broken marriage. Obviously this would get a Chaplain involved in a combat zone but honestly the Soldier needs to know sooner than later so things don't get ugly during reintegration.

Response by SPC Jessica Stewart made May 12 at 2014 8:42 PM

SPC Jessica Stewart — Mon, 12 May 2014 20:42:10 -0400

I wouldn't confront the spouse or tell the deployed SM because:

1. I could be making something out of nothing purely from suspicion,
2. The SM does not need to have added extra stress during a deployment, especially if it's a dangerous one,
3. The COC will know how to handle it appropriately and if something is going on they have resources to help the SM deal with it the best way possible if they find out,
4. It's none of my business and I really don't have the time to make it my business.

The only time I would confront the spouse is if I were good friends with them and knew for certain what was going on. If I wasn't sure, I would ask, but again only if I were good friends with them and had a trusting relationship.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2014 12:59 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 May 2014 00:59:53 -0400

Thankfully, I've never had to deal with this but I agree with most of the other comments here. Tell the Soldier the FACTS, after he returns. There were males coming to the home at certain hours of the evening. Don't speculate on why or what they were doing. It could be her brother, his brother, a cousin...you just don't know. But he deserves to have the facts in order to make his own decision on what to do next.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2014 1:46 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 May 2014 01:46:06 -0400

Post a sign outside your house reading, "if it ain't yours, don't touch it", with an arrow pointing to their house.

Response by SFC James Rigdon made May 13 at 2014 7:55 AM

SFC James Rigdon — Tue, 13 May 2014 07:55:15 -0400

This happened to me with one of my Soldiers in Afghanistan. I really wanted to stay out of it but my wife was stuck taking care of the children (all hours of the night) I informed my Soldier and he told me it was none of our business but I informed him that if my wife is taking care of his children then it was my business. We discussed options and he redeployed for the best interest of his family

Response by SPC Brian Jones made May 13 at 2014 8:39 AM

SPC Brian Jones — Tue, 13 May 2014 08:39:08 -0400

Nothing good can come of it. Either your inserting yourself in something that could be innocent (e friends coming over) or placing your nose where it might get broken.

Telling the soldier is a good way to make him go nuts while he is on deployment, it could get him or those with him injured or killed. We has a soldier that got a letter like this from the rear and "accidentally" shot himself in the foot with an M-60 that was mounted on a tripod.

Confronting the spouse isnt going to do anything, except maybe make her more careful on who she has over in the evening for that cup of tea.

Notify chain of command? Well I guess they could use an extra cup of tea every now and again. Seriously, what can they do? Send over some butter bar to really screw things up?

Unfortunately this is something that everyone in the service has seen or been part of. What is to stop it? Unfortunately it is part of the dark side of the human Psyche. I do know that UCMJ still can go after those who are unfaithful to their spouse. Is it still used? If it were would it make a difference?

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2014 9:32 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 May 2014 09:32:59 -0400

I would take pictures or video if possible. This way there is no doubt in his mind of what you are saying is true and that maybe your just trying to stir something up,it would save some arguments or worse.. a domestic because he would already have some type of proof. I would however WAIT until he has returned home. If all this "traffic" suddenly stops, I would approach him.

Response by SSG Robin Rushlo made May 13 at 2014 9:59 AM

SSG Robin Rushlo — Tue, 13 May 2014 09:59:38 -0400

First I would ask if I could join her AMWAY team. Hopefully this would break the ice to get more info on what is going on.

Second,Telling him when he is down range never. I know I got a letter letting me know something like this and all I wanted to do is get back get my kids and things and get them away from the woman.

Third, I would attempt to find someone she does listen to and see what they could do to help.

Fourth after that stay out of it from that point on till he returned or unless the kids are in danger or items of his start leaving the house.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2014 10:10 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 May 2014 10:10:13 -0400

That is a touchy area... could be family or friends. Unless you truly know the couple well enough...and i do mean well; than you can approach her and her husband about it...otherwise keep your nose out of it. You don't want it broken...do you? ;)

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2014 10:13 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 May 2014 10:13:18 -0400

Ok, do you know for a fact that his wife is cheating? Is this just your supposition? As an MP for almost 20 years a lot of problems in neighborhoods are "nosey" neighbors. The safest thing you can do is report it to the housing office. They can determine if there are unauthorized visitors. When you start contacting units and CoCs on information that is unconfirmed, unless you have video, photographic or a signed confession it is almost impossible to prove adultery.

If he comes home and finds out that there were lots of male visitors and asks you, sure tell him what you saw.

Best advice I can give, unless you can actually prove wrong doing, it is best to just mind your own buisness and report it to housing and let them do what housing does.

Response by SGT Shon D. Hill made May 13 at 2014 11:25 AM

SGT Shon D. Hill — Tue, 13 May 2014 11:25:29 -0400

Unless I am very close to involved people, it's just not my business no matter how tempting it may be :(

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2014 2:25 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 13 May 2014 14:25:11 -0400

It all really depends on the situation (which we often are not privy to). Me personally, I was raised to mind my own doggone business and dont get mixed up in other people's affairs. Also, you never know what type of lifestyle they may live and if you go breaking up a 'good time' could make for an awkward moment. On the other side of the coin, I was the mail clerk downrange for first tour and seen alot of people's relationships and marraiges fly south because Jodi or the Clean-Up-Woman took up residence thus causing alot of heart burn for the soldier and dilluted work performance which is dangerous when deployed.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made May 14 at 2014 5:03 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 14 May 2014 17:03:21 -0400

He is deployed. He must remain focused on the mission.
Do not tell him. Talk to rear-D command, advising them of "precarious " circumstances with your buddies' spouse.
Perhaps, they already know what's going on, and are working behind the scenes for the children's and your buddies' best interest. They will appreciate your discretion.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2014 12:01 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 15 May 2014 00:01:21 -0400

Submitted for your approval, the more things change, the more things stay the same.

Here's a little ditty from 1937 that was a big hit up to and through World War II. Grandad used to sing it to us grandkids and Grandma would scold him. Never really knew why at the time, but upon further review...

THE PRAIRIE RAMBLERS - There's Man That Comes to Our House

Marvelous 1937 classic, not previously posted. This is one of quite a few records the Prairie Ramblers made using the name Sweet Violet Boys. Has some very n...

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2014 4:08 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 15 May 2014 16:08:58 -0400

@MSG Williams ... if the SM returns and commits both murder and suicide, his blood and that of his family, is on HIS/HER hands ... not on the the comrade who saw fit to do the genuinely right thing. Covering things up and hiding behind non-existent "protocols" ... for self-preservation's sake ... is not at the best interest of that soldier or his family.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 15 at 2014 6:13 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 15 May 2014 18:13:49 -0400

I would leave it to God. If I see something like that, I will pray about it and let God handle it. He will convict her, or worse she will eventually face His wrath at the end someway or another.

Encourage each other to build a house (self, family, life) on solid rock (God) not on sinking sand (deceit, lies, idolatry) and the Lord will take care of your house no matter the weather it faces, so leave it up to JC.

"Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24

Response by Cpl Michael Jadrnak made Jul 8 at 2014 11:16 AM

Cpl Michael Jadrnak — Tue, 08 Jul 2014 11:16:11 -0400

From my experiences while home on leave and whatnot. When 90% women find out your in the military they see money and free benefits. I see the military for those like i was in our late teens to early 20's as our college time, and learning how to do things on our own. Once you get past the college phase you can start to look at settling down and find a woman who isn't after your paycheck or looking for benefits. which is usually by your mid to late 20's. Military life is hard on relationships, and it takes a lot of communication and working through things to get past deployments, and field ops.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 8 at 2014 12:22 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 08 Jul 2014 12:22:20 -0400

If I were friends with the deployed service member, I would likely have made some agreement with my friend to check in on the spouse and family to make sure that all was well and if they needed anything. I would assume that I would then let the SM know how they are doing. After all, families have a habit of not telling the whole truth to deployed SMs.

If it became obvious that something extra-marital was taking place, I would confront the spouse.

Response by SSG John Durham made Aug 7 at 2014 11:47 AM

SSG John Durham — Thu, 07 Aug 2014 11:47:08 -0400

I have seen this sort of thing happen a few times in my career. In one situation I noticed a truck show up next door once the sun went down and the kids were all in their own homes. Then would leave around 0200-0300. I had just gotten back from Afghanistan his unit deployed offset fron us, he was still gone.
After about a week I confronted the driver of the truck. said some things, called him out for being one of those swooping in when his friend was gone. Started seeing the truck less, but it didnt stop till I mentioned to the wife I was going to get in contact with her husband about the crap.

I found out a few weeks later I was not the only one stepping in this messed up situation. One NCO next door on the other side of them, emailed the soldier. Shortly after his Chain of Command had rear D paying visits to the house weekly.

The Soldier came to my house when he got back and thanked me for stepping up and trying to help, then told me the guy was his Team Leader that didnt deploy, but was taking it upon himself to keep lonely wifes company.

Response by SPC James Mcneil made Oct 20 at 2014 9:02 AM

SPC James Mcneil — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 09:02:28 -0400

I would start with confronting the spouse. A simple, "What's going on" without being *too* confrontational may go a long way. If that doesn't fix the problem, then I would notify his chain of command.
I'm sure some people would say that makes me a snitch, but I really don't care. I'd want someone to tell me if I was the deployed soldier in this case.

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 20 at 2014 9:07 AM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 09:07:19 -0400

Assuming the activity is out of the norm, there could still be a logical explanation (family or friend visiting to help out spouse who is now alone with kids, for example), but it does seem suspicious.

I would tell him, but I would wait until he returns from deployment. That would be hard for a guy to deal with during deployment.

Response by 1SG Frank Boynton made Oct 20 at 2014 11:42 AM

1SG Frank Boynton — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 11:42:26 -0400

It happens all the time and there's nothing anyone is ever going to do to stop it. When I was in Germany in the '80's you would know when a certain unit was down range by the single women who would be at the bars or hotels in the area. It's a moral issue, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. You can't legislate it or deny it to make it go away. If my neighbor was a friend or co-worker, I’d let him know. Plan and simple, I’d want to know if my spouse was acting out when I was deployed. My loyalty is to my fellow soldier, not his spouse. He has a right to know. What he does or doesn’t do after you tell him is his business.

Response by COL Jean (John) F. B. made Oct 20 at 2014 2:08 PM

COL Jean (John) F. B. — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 14:08:05 -0400

I would tell her that I have observed what is going on and that I am going to tell him. And I would tell him. No question in my mind about that being the right thing to do.

Response by SPC David S. made Oct 20 at 2014 3:21 PM

SPC David S. — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 15:21:00 -0400

One thing that I think that has hurt America more than anything is the degradation of the nuclear family as this is where morals ethics and other core philosophical understandings are taught and learned. For those of you that say it's none of your business i would argue than inaction is condoning and supporting this type of behavior in society and your giving infidelity the green light. I would more than likely talk to the offending spouse first. I would have that difficult conversations with them reinforcing that relationships are a lot of hard work and only really work in an honest environment and ask them if they are ready to be honest or not. Hopefully the conversation will resonate and change their behavior. If things changed I might drop it otherwise I would be obligated to tell the other spouse when they returned.

Response by CW3 Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 20 at 2014 4:13 PM

CW3 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 16:13:59 -0400

This is an all too common scenario unfortunately. The best you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your neighbor downrange. Don’t start the conversation with “dude, there’s a lot of visitors at your house since you left”, just talk to him, see how he’s doing and let him tell you what’s on his mind. Try not to put yourself in the middle of drama that may get you more involved than you’d like. If he says “I think my wife is cheating on me” don’t reply with “you have NO idea”, but be reassuring and supportive. In talking with your neighbor, not only are you making him feel better and strengthening your bond with your neighbor, he may share information like "hey my wife has 5 brothers and they are taking care of her while I'm gone" or something else that puts the situation in a different light. Take notice, and get involved as much as you feel necessary, just think about the consequences of what you say or how much you get involved.

Response by SSG Tim Everett made Oct 29 at 2014 10:59 AM

SSG Tim Everett — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 10:59:04 -0400

Tell the soldier after he's done with his deployment. It's not going to affect him positively to tell him downrange. He's not in danger of catching VD unless he manages an R&R (or is stepping out). So let that guy finish his tour, then absolutely take care of a brother in arms. As for whether or not to tell the guy one way or the other, yeah tell him. The reason I say this is, put yourself in the deployed SM's situation. Would YOU want to know if your spouse had been unfaithful? The kid she had when you were gone, is it yours? The VD you could have avoided? The expensive, nasty divorce that left you without visitation to your kids? We've seen our brothers get hosed on a divorce. Nobody should ever have to go through that. Maybe it's just me, but I sure would want to know.

As far as the spouse goes, maybe an anonymous letter to say "Look up the word Jody on Urban Dictionary" or something. I don't know. I don't know how I'd handle a spouse.

I'd absolutely be checking up on the dudes coming by, though. Because if one of those SOBs is a troop, that's a serious breach of integrity. The only thing worse than a civilian Jody is a military Jody. Because we all KNOW better.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 29 at 2014 12:48 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 12:48:57 -0400

You can't always assume the worst, does she have family in the area... could it be a brother or uncle checking up on her while the husband is deployed. You also have to consider what you know and how well you know the couple. If you don't know either of them contacting his chain of command is probably the best thing to do, if you do know them it may be best to talk to him after he has returned.

Response by Lt Col John (Jack) Christensen made Dec 11 at 2016 5:14 PM

Lt Col John (Jack) Christensen — Sun, 11 Dec 2016 17:14:06 -0500

None of the responses match with my experience. The sad part of this whole scenario is that it's nothing new. Back in the Vietnam days we had SAC aircrews deployed and those at home station pulled alert almost every other week. We also had satellite alert crews and aircraft from other bases deployed to our base. It was not at all uncommon for the satellite crews to use the family trailers set up alongside the alert facility and see cars belonging to wives of deployed crewmembers in the parking lot. Everyone "sort of" knew what was going on in these trailers but if anyone said anything the "official" answer was that we didn't want to disturb so-and-so while they were in theater. All came to a head when one crew returned from deployment and one crewmember found his wife gone and his entire quarters cleaned out. Official response was to transfer the crewmember and prohibit satellite crewmembers from using the alert family trailers. So appears official policy even back then was to avoid official involvement.

Response by SSG Wally Lawver made Dec 12 at 2016 2:01 PM

SSG Wally Lawver — Mon, 12 Dec 2016 14:01:12 -0500

Tell him ASAP after he returns. Maybe notify the COC at rear-d while hes deployed, they could "visit" the spouse get the family readiness people to visit, make sure all is safe, and remind her they are there to help during deployments....IF ITS ANOTHER SOLDIER THOUGH hanging around housing,,,,TALK TO/NOTIFY THEIR COC ASAP, NOTIFY THEIR COC THEY ARE A SPECIAL KIND OF SCUM BAG, (in my opinion....)

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 12 at 2016 7:32 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 12 Dec 2016 19:32:16 -0500

This actually happened to me and a buddy during my first deployment. He was on trail party, so I got back before he did. He let me keep some things at his house instead or renting a storage unit. I go to pick them up, his wife answers the door, and the shirtless man behind her sees me in uniform and books it out the back door. I waited until he got back before I told him as I didn't want to add to the stress while he was there. It was still one of the hardest conversations I've ever had to have.