Reflections on retirement

*continuity note: I wrote this six weeks ago, when it actually happened.



I picked up my DD214 today.

It was a typical early October, Puget Sound Thursday; cloudy and threatening to rain. I woke up thinking about getting my DD214. I've been waking up thinking about it for a while. I faced the countdown with a sort of giddy anticipation, and the closer I got, the happier I was. Things seemed to fall into place for me as I got closer to my last day. I felt a calm satisfaction as the months turned into weeks, then into days.

But when I opened my eyes, and I considered that the days had turned into hours, I felt neither calm nor satisfied. I stood there, staring at the uniform that I would put on for the very last time, and I was overwhelmed with the need to avoid the thing I've meticulously planned for; the end.

It was far too late to change course. It’s been too late for months. I had approved retirement orders. I've completed the exams for my VA claim (I’m pretty sure that if I had never started on the path to retirement, I would've been med boarded), I even landed a great job. All that was left was for me to start my new life.

But I stood there, staring at the uniform that was my second skin, the symbol of my life for the past twenty years, my eyes began to water and I felt something new.

I was afraid.

All of my philosophical explorations at retirement vanished from my head. I felt a hysterical regret forming in gut, and I lamented the finality of what I was about to do. I considered that maybe I felt like a jumper, plummeting to his death and wishing to God that he could take back that last awful step.

What have I done?

But I know what I have done. I've done a lot of good. I've helped, I've guided, I've mentored, I've supported, and I've raised people up. I made people better. I brought aspiring leaders to fruition. I’ve provided opportunity to learn, to grow. I took Soldiers to war, and I brought them home again. I've shown people what right looks like. I made a difference.

My years as an NCO were my time to lead, and I used my time well. I have helped to ensure the Constitutional rights of more than 300 million Americans. What a thing that is! I was a part of the wellspring from which all other freedoms and rights emerge. I helped preserve and maintain the greatest nation the world has ever seen. I joined the ranks of those who bravely stood up to protect Americans against the ever-present threat to liberty. And now it’s time for me to return to the society that I served for so long. Now, I must learn to take my place among the protected. Now, I return to the society that I both lifted up and shielded. Now, I go home to enjoy the fruit that I spent 20 years picking.

Goodbye, SFC Jackson. Hello, Josh.