My oldest daughter is about to graduate from high school and she has no drive to do anything. What can I do?

SPC Christian Ziegler — Sat, 02 May 2015 00:33:55 -0400

For 2 1/2 years my oldest daughter told me she was going to join the Navy. I said ok got to go you know what you want. Well we went to see the recruiter he said all is good but her weight I said ok I know how to do that, she does not listen at all, and does not care school ends in 6 weeks here and she has no plan for life and its ok with her. I said August 30th your moving out you must become a productive member of society, she does not care. I begged her. I don't know what to do to motivate her to get up and be someone. What can I do i don't want my daughter to become some 2 bit hooker?

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 2 at 2015 12:40 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 02 May 2015 00:40:32 -0400

Hey man I hear you my son was like that. What I did is spend ti, e with him and try to learned what he was driving by to do. And now that I know what he likes im going towards his interests, his starting college next week, I got him to get his driver's license and he got a job. Take your time to see how she responds to different things in life, get to know what motivates her but dont pressure. Take some time to spend on what she likes. Hope it help brother.

Response by SSG (ret) William Martin made May 2 at 2015 1:06 AM

SSG (ret) William Martin — Sat, 02 May 2015 01:06:18 -0400

Pack her stuff up and tell her to get out.

Response by SSG Leonard Johnson made May 2 at 2015 2:05 AM

SSG Leonard Johnson — Sat, 02 May 2015 02:05:33 -0400

Sir, I know this hard. We don't want to give up on our loved ones, or let them go either. Here's what my dad did to me back in 1983. I was only 17 years old, I was in between my junior and senior year of high school, my pops told me when I turned 18 his responsibility was over and I was out the house. Don't get me wrong he love me very much still does to this day, he's one of my best friends. I did not get my dad the chance to kick me out, I am listed in the Army reserves between my junior and senior year of high school and did my basic and AIT on my summer vacation. Once graduated, I came back to high school graduated that midterm and went active duty Army. I never gave my dad the chance to kick my butt out. He would've, and rightfully so. I was from a dirt poor farming community in Iowa, so all's I would have been is an extra mouth to feed. I made him proud, and I made myself proud. Maybe a little tough love is what you need for your daughter. I never expected my old man to pay for my education, or pay for my way. I know I come from a different time line, but maybe it's time to get back to that time line :-)

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made May 2 at 2015 7:29 AM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Sat, 02 May 2015 07:29:46 -0400

That's a tough break. We all hope our kids will learn from us and follow our example. My oldest is 14 and you can't start molding them early enough but my fear is that even the best laid plans can go to pot. I would try charging her room and board to motivate her to get a job. Bring her to a soup kitchen to volunteer and show her that this could be her future if she chooses to do nothing.

Good luck with this. Please let us know how you are progressing because I'm sure some of us may go through this ourselves.

Response by PO1 John Miller made May 2 at 2015 7:39 AM

PO1 John Miller — Sat, 02 May 2015 07:39:59 -0400

All you can really do is raise your children the best you can and hope they make the right choices. If they DON'T make the right choices however it may be time for a bit of tough love! There's plenty of examples in this thread already of that so I won't go over it myself.

Response by MSgt Jamie Lyons made May 2 at 2015 7:44 AM

MSgt Jamie Lyons — Sat, 02 May 2015 07:44:07 -0400

Sir...my daughter is graduating this year as well and sometimes I worry just like you. Reading your post I could almost swear I posted it. I love my daughter and wished she has figured out what she wants to do with her life. My advise, patience and support. She will figure it out on her time, not in the time I wish she would have. Many young adults get overwhelmed with the thought of becoming an adult and hence rely on the support of their parents. But the good news is they may take a little longer but usually straighten out one step at a time. Patience, support and unconditional love will guide you.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made May 2 at 2015 7:46 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 02 May 2015 07:46:57 -0400

Take her shopping and let her pick out set of luggage she wants for graduation and only the set of luggage. If she has any doubts that it's time leave the nest....ask her what and where she plans go going/doing come 30 September. Because, on 30 Sept, if she is still there, you will have a lease agreement ready for her to sign as she will then be paying rent for her room, food, electricity and oh by the way, paying your own phone bill.

I did that with my oldest son. He got the message real quick cuz he knew I was serious due to some of our earlier discussions. He joined the Navy about 3 weeks after graduation because he found out that just because he was no longer in school, that "MY" rules still applied in "MY house for as long as it was my house. Oh...and my rent was not cheap either....told him they free ride ended 30 Sept. He got out as soon as he could.

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made May 2 at 2015 7:57 AM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 02 May 2015 07:57:04 -0400

Have a LOT of patience.

Response by TSgt Christopher D. made May 2 at 2015 9:10 AM

TSgt Christopher D. — Sat, 02 May 2015 09:10:56 -0400

I'm weird, I guess. I have 5 children; 3 boys and 2 girls. They are 17, 15, 13, 9 and 8. I don't care if they never leave the nest. Only my eldest and youngest boy seem to be 'driven' toward something and have a plan, but... so what? They're freakin' kids. They're MY kids. Father status doesn't end for me when they turn 18, and they know it. They aren't free-loaders. They all do their chores, and even more than we ask them, and we thoroughly enjoy their company. They enjoy earning money and paying for themselves. Who says they have to have it all figured out by the time they turn 18? Very few of us did, if we're being honest.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made May 2 at 2015 10:14 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 02 May 2015 10:14:37 -0400

I was the same way when I was 18. I figured it out. I just had to get out there and fail miserably. I also had a supportive mom who let me fail, and helped me pick up the pieces. I would say make sure she has birth control. I know it sounds crass, but it's much easier to get your life in order of you are not caring for a baby/small child.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 2 at 2015 10:13 AM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Sat, 02 May 2015 10:13:38 -0400

How about a compromise, you can live with me, but you have to go to school or work. That my buy her the time to mature and see life with clarity. Good luck!

Response by SGT Michael Touchet made May 2 at 2015 11:11 AM

SGT Michael Touchet — Sat, 02 May 2015 11:11:57 -0400

I would have a serious discussion with her and set clear expectations. I would not make it easy for her to assume that life would go on as it did in her younger years. Meaning paying for all of her luxuries like MSgt Mike Mikulski stated earlier. This situation was similar with my son, he just needed more time to figure out what he really wanted to do. I just want to give you a little piece of mind in that she will come to realize what she wants to do next she just needs your guidance. Just a word of caution, I was leery to answer my son's questions where he asked "dad, what do you think I should do?" I would answer him saying, I don't want you to do what I want you to do; rather I want you to do what you want to do. I explained that if he is happy at his choice of profession, then he would surely be successful. Until he figured it out I required him to wake up every day as though he were going to work. I required a part time job and he be entered in some type of school, so he did get a part time job and began taking classes at a local community college. after just one quarter he transferred to another college and now he is fully committed to his new direction. What I'm trying to say sometimes they just need a little more time, just don't let them sit idle for too long. Good luck to you and her.

Response by A1C Dennis Schroader made May 2 at 2015 11:45 AM

A1C Dennis Schroader — Sat, 02 May 2015 11:45:01 -0400

Daughters are tough, man, especially for us guys. So much of it seems to be the way we relate to them, and less about what we actually say. I've got two of them I'm struggling with myself.

Mom should definitely be part of the solution if she's in the picture. If not, then get other older women she respects to help out. And get counseling. Even if she won't go, or won't participate, you'll get a great deal out of it, and maybe find a way to change your approach so that she receives the message better.

Response by SPC Jeff Paulsen made May 2 at 2015 12:41 PM

SPC Jeff Paulsen — Sat, 02 May 2015 12:41:19 -0400

I would take awake their liberties. Who pays for the phone, remove the TV in the bedroom, curfew...
My teen son was doing poorly in Spanish, I took his phone and said no internet. It's amazing what one will do with a little motivation. But I understand this doesn't work on everyone. Good luck.
You could always drive her to skid row in ur area and show what else is put there?

Response by CPO Private RallyPoint Member made May 2 at 2015 1:13 PM

CPO Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 02 May 2015 13:13:00 -0400

For an 18 year old making a career decision is difficult. Try to provide guidance without fighting with her. She will not want to approach you. Simply kicking her out won't work either... That's how she can potentially go down the road you don't want her to. Be firm when you tell her, "work, military, or school" she may have to learn from her mistakes. Give her a little time to sort things out. When we went through high school there were far too many distractions along the way for most of us to know what we wanted after we graduated.. Provide her guidance and let her know she has to do something. Fighting with her will only make her resist any advice or suggestions you have. I would be firm with her as far as her having to choose one of the three options but as long as she is doing one of the three help her steer herself toward a career she can enjoy and find rewarding... 18 is young to make life long decisions and she will need you for advice.

Response by SSgt Robert Clark made May 2 at 2015 1:49 PM

SSgt Robert Clark — Sat, 02 May 2015 13:49:56 -0400

Don't know how much this helps. I would say find out what she has a true passion for. Is it cooking, art, music, carpentry.... Then, once you know what she has a passion for encourage her to pursue that passion with all that she has, and be a partner in that effort.
We all have passions, and if we are encouraged to pursue them then we have a reason to get up and face the day. It may be hard to get her to express what that passion is, she may not even know. With love and patience you will have to help her self evaluate and discover what that is.
Here is an example. My son is now 22 and in college. Up until about a year ago he planned to be a mechanical engineer and go in the AF or Coast Guard and a rescue pilot. When he started getting into engineering related classes he started to loose interest in school and his grades started to slip. By chance he took a class that had to with health and fitness. He now has decided he wants to be a physical therapist. All along, he had no desire to be an engineer, he thought it was what I wanted. Once HE found his passion he is excited about school and what he wants to do with his future.
I have always encouraged my kids to pursue THEIR passion, but somehow the message got crossed a little. Once HE discovered his passion, it's a whole new outlook for him.

Response by SFC Ronnie Seaton Jr made May 2 at 2015 6:54 PM

SFC Ronnie Seaton Jr — Sat, 02 May 2015 18:54:45 -0400

You are not alone on this one. I had to ask my daughter what did she like doing? She had no answer for me. I was lucky enough to notice how she helped care for her mother after a surgical procedure. Again I pointed out that she did a good job helping and caring for her mother, and that's when she decided to go to school for nursing. My first cousin is a nurse, so I put them in contact with each other. Now she will be attending college next semester.
I really did nothing but help encourage what she felt comfortable and natural to do, I let her figure it out on her own pace and time. I hope this helps. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made May 2 at 2015 10:06 PM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Sat, 02 May 2015 22:06:26 -0400

Most of the advice in this string is really good. You mentioned she didn't meet Navy weight standard. You should make sure this isn't the symptom of a physical problem. Thyroid problems can cause weight gain and lethargy. Type 2 diabetes could be the problem. I might be way off base on this. You know her medical history.

I agree with the others who said give her some time, but set standards. She needs to work or go to school while living at home. Not so much tough love, but applying adult standards.

Response by PO2 Tamera Pantejo made May 3 at 2015 11:58 AM

PO2 Tamera Pantejo — Sun, 03 May 2015 11:58:39 -0400

Been there. Both of my kids join the military. But I had to have them sign a contact about staying in my house. What they could and could not do. Alot of changes on their part, if they wanted yo stay at home. Just remember that you love them and they want to be adults. They are not ready for the responsibility.
Paying rent on time, having a job, cleaning a house, yardwork, working 8 hous a day. Even if they have a partime job, they need to work the other hours to reach 8 hours a day at home. Who is paying for the car, gas, clothes,entertainment, rent, water, PGE, insurance ? We wanted to give them everything. We created the monsters. Now its time to tame it.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 4 at 2015 8:32 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 04 May 2015 08:32:39 -0400

Sorry to say this, however sometimes you have to let them fall on thier face. This same thing happened with my stepson, long story short the cops were called for a wake up call and then he enlisted 2 months later. Show consequences.

Response by CW5 Sam R. Baker made May 4 at 2015 8:37 AM

CW5 Sam R. Baker — Mon, 04 May 2015 08:37:07 -0400

I am experiencing this with a 15 year old that seems to not have the drive to do anything but play video games and self indulgence. If I say or do anything, I am jumped on as a hard ass and ridiculed for being to hard or mentally depressing him. The family as a whole enables his actions.

I worry much like yourself that he will be that guy, 30 years old and trying to live at home!

Response by Cpl Jeff N. made May 4 at 2015 1:29 PM

Cpl Jeff N. — Mon, 04 May 2015 13:29:19 -0400

It is not an easy road to travel. I tried to instill a serious work ethic in my kids by the example I set. I always expected (demanded) they do well in school and maintain a good attitude and demonstrate respectful behavior. Even when you do that well, you cannot be assured of the outcome you are loking for or expect.

I was clear that their choices after High School were college (which I would pay for), The military or to a technical type school but there was not a choice to do nothing or hang out or whatever. Even though at 18 they are adults, they are not adults in the same way I was when I was 18. Kids have been misled by schools/media etc into thinking they are special and uniqie and their happiness is due them. That all sounds good to itching ears but will get you zero in real life.

I have three kids, one enlisted in the Marine Corps, the second one is a swimmer in college and the third is still in HS. I wish I had a great answer for you. A generality would be not to accept anything that looks like cruise control or "waiting for something happen". Push, push hard, don't give up, demand more than she is willing to do. In the end, she will thank you. It might take a while but she will.

Response by SPC Christian Ziegler made May 4 at 2015 1:40 PM

SPC Christian Ziegler — Mon, 04 May 2015 13:40:49 -0400

Well the wife and myself talked to her, she tolled us she wants to move in with 2 of her female friends, this did not go over well but I said ok if that is what you want ok but remember it wont end well and you will come back home and when you do you will go to a trade school or college and become someone, you will do what we tell you because your way did not work, and think long and hard on what you want to become in life something that would make you happy doing it as a job for the rest of your life.

After that she was also tolled she could stay here and go to school if she already had something in mind, and did not wan t to fall on her face first. Well she said something about becoming a Chef she enjoys cooking I said ok we can make this happen you just have to apply yourself. Now its just a 5 week waiting game to see what she really does.

Thank you all for the great input and information. Scouts Out.

Response by CMSgt Mark Schubert made May 4 at 2015 1:45 PM

CMSgt Mark Schubert — Mon, 04 May 2015 13:45:23 -0400

I would encourage you and her mom (hopefully your wife) to help her find her passion. God gives each of us unique gifts and we can identify those by listening to what others tell us what we are good at - for instance, you have probably noticed your daughter excels in certain areas and you should encourage her to pursue those traits. Ask her what her friends and family tell her she does well.

Once she realizes her passion and talents, she will more likely pursue developing in those areas and discover her purpose in life - with the help of her parents of course.

I would also encourage you to pray about this - Ask God to help you find the right words to help your daughter.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made May 4 at 2015 4:15 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 04 May 2015 16:15:36 -0400

I had the same issue two years ago (she was going to join the Army Reserves). I had her set up to join when I left for a 1 year unaccompanied tour to Korea. She even had a job lined up after Basic/AIT that related to her Army MOS. And she was excited about all of it. Then, two weeks after I PCS'd, she moved out of the house with a friend, got a sales job and has done that ever since. She pays taxes and is a contributing member of society. Needless to say though, I was so pissed I didn't talk to her for about a month and a half.

As a dad, I had to chill out and realize, I did an excellent job raising her, but ultimately over the age of 18 as an adult, she's gonna do what she wants. I've switched gears from being a dad "telling" her what to do, to more of a mentor, "advising" her of life choices. She is very receptive to this, listens to me and acts more closely to my advice, and we have a good dad/daughter relationship.

Hope this helps.

Response by CPT Richard Riley made May 4 at 2015 9:20 PM

CPT Richard Riley — Mon, 04 May 2015 21:20:45 -0400

Patience is a difficult virtue to embrace. That said, it is hard these days to watch our children 'appear' to have no drive, no zeal, for life after high school social hour. Let time work for you - you did your best to raise her with good ideas, good character, and good limits ... SO ... let time work on her to move her where she needs to be. Pushing is not going to get the results you really want. Breath, know you did the best job you could and let those little lessons all through her life lead her where she needs to be.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 7 at 2015 12:19 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 07 May 2015 12:19:45 -0400

Drop her off at Parris Island and come back in 13 weeks....

Response by SPC Christian Ziegler made May 8 at 2015 10:04 AM

SPC Christian Ziegler — Fri, 08 May 2015 10:04:56 -0400

Update yesterday was my daughters 18th birthday she called me from school and tolled me she would not be returning back home she was moving in with her female friends. I tried everything I could to get her to at least stay till the end of the school year but she would not listen. She also admitted she and her friends had planed this for 2 years now. I did tell her she can come back if it does not work out for her.

She thinks I don't know where she is staying right now but she forgets I'm well connected in the Veteran community and they have tolled me where she is right now and there keeping a eye on her. Scouts Out.

Response by CPT Pedro Rivera made May 8 at 2015 10:21 AM

CPT Pedro Rivera — Fri, 08 May 2015 10:21:16 -0400

I would initially inquire as to if you have been enabling this behavior most of her life. If you are afraid of the possible negative repercussions of disciplining her than I am not surprised by her assumption that she can do nothing, live at home, and there not be a problem. At this point she is 17 turning 18 or already 18. Time for her to grow up. Will she stumble and fall, considering what you have said she probably will. Yet, as an adult she needs to start learning to be responsible and coddling her isn't going to accomplish that.