Military marriages: Is it possible to save my marriage?

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 03:25:44 -0500

*UPDATED
As many of you know I returned from Africa (deployment number four) to my beloved wife of over fifteen years and three young children this past September. It was apparent that something was not right immediately. She was irritable, reacted strongly to any perceived slight, and gave me the cold shoulder. She lived in her cell phone, playing an online game she is very active in chatting in for over six hours a day. I gave her space at first, but we had been planning a trip together to Spain in order to reconnect and recharge. When I asked her about her arrangements to cover her job, she told me she didn't want to go anymore. She had REALLY wanted to go just two months earlier. When pressed, she told me she was unhappy for years and wasn't sure she wanted to be together anymore.

Thinking it was a funk, I tried to help her unwind. I delayed returning to work so I could help around the house more. I facilitated her sleeping in. Every step I took, she let go of more. Now she does next to nothing to help with the kids or the house's upkeep. She is now neglectful enough towards the kids that I no longer trust her alone for any length of time. I have had to do it all, and since I have not been the primary caregiver this is stressful for all. I am willing, just not as good at it as she was.

In October, I discovered that she had not paid a bill since July when I got a notice delivered to the door. I then found over a month's worth of mail in the box. Sorting through it, I discovered over $13,000 in credit card debt I did not know about. We have nothing to show for this expenditure, and I have no idea where it went. Today I discovered she had another card with another $14k on it that she had been concealing by hiding the statements in the mail and setting up an auto-pay for the minimum. The first amount ate most of what I had saved from being deployed, the new amount is more than we can afford.

She will not talk to me, and issues threats if I persist or try to reason with her. She has resisted the idea of counseling, and appears to have had her mind made up already to leave, until she realized she can't make it on her own and her parents are not willing to take her plus three kids in. Now we are circling the drain.

I am still in love with her, and frankly do not see a way to make it work financially or for the good of the kids if we split. 50/50 custody has been floated, but that means both of us need lodgings suitable for three mixed-gender kids - three bedrooms at minimum. She wants space.
I have ruled out an affair, I think. My trust is crippled due to the lying and concealment of the finances. I should have been more alert to the problem, but she lied to me. I want to work this out, because the alternatives are all terrible. I have told her that I am unwilling to give up on us, and if she wants a divorce, she will have to do it and own the decision. The only thing we have been able to fully agree on is that the children will not be employed as a weapon. So far, that truce has held.
What makes this even more difficult is that this was a complete surprise. She has told me there is nothing I can do to change her mind. I am heartbroken.

My current plan is to enlist support from her circle of friends and close relatives, banking that most (I know not all) will see what is the best outcome and encourage her to come to her senses and work on things. I have been successful with her mother and our closest mutual friend so far, and will continue to make the rounds over the holidays. She might not listen to me, but the group might just be enough, I hope.

My courses of action in the event she pulls the pin are:
1. (What everyone says): share custody and try to get along for the sake of the children.
Truly, I do not think this will work. I do not think I have the strength to take the high road. As much as I love her, it will go the other way if she unilaterally destroys our life together. I will not be able to forgive this, not ever. I think this will go bad and will turn into full custody to her, with me being a convenient on-call babysitter. This is no way to live. I had that when my parents broke up when I was a little younger than my oldest daughter.
2. Go as far away as possible, cut most ties to my current life, and try to start over. I know what this will mean for my children and my relationship with them, but I think this has the highest chance of preserving my sanity. I would rather live with regret than slowly die from the inside.
3. Self-destructive behavior. I am a responsible, level-headed man, but this situation has me seriously considering bad options. Read into that if you want. I am in big trouble, and have taken steps to prevent an impulsive decision, but I am afraid for my own sanity.
For those who might be concerned, I will not ever raise a hand against those I love, but she blames this all on me, and I know that the points she makes are valid, so I blame myself too - even if I know better

I am willing to listen to any advice anyone has. Please be constructive.
I realize that I am really exposing myself here, but I could use anything the community has. Many of you may have been through something similar. I value any and all input.

UPDATE-
So, this whole business has taken quite a few turns since December.
I have since then discovered that all of this is not my fault. She has some serious issues.
I found out that the financial situation was even worse than I had surmised. I am on a path to remedy that, but it cost me over $100k.
She has in fact decided to leave.
As it stands, we are attempting to make a deal that would account for both our needs, and trying (with occasional success) to keep the hurt feelings out of it. As it stands, I will be a single father most of the time. That is a challenge that I relish, but did not account for. I am not afraid to say that I am scared.
So long as we can stay level-headed, I think that this will turn out OK.
Except for the fact I am losing the love of my life, of course.

Some advice:
If your wife says things like "it seems like you don't listen to me" or "we don't seem to talk anymore", STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LISTEN. She is telling you things without telling you things, and resents you for not reading her cues.
If there is distance between you, close it. Don't give her "space". Be available. Listen a lot. If she wants to be alone, don't chase her, but set up a time/date to reengage. Space equals distance. Distance equals growing apart. Growing apart equals divorce. Don't let it happen. It sucks. A lot.
If she is lying to you, there is a reason why... and it may well have nothing to do with the subject matter. Don't get angry at the lie, get after the reason why the lie happened. I would wager on avoidance.

I am heartbroken, but I will be OK. It will just take a very long time to come to grips with how I failed at the most important job I ever had. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 3:50 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 03:50:18 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member Thank you for reaching out 1SG. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out like that. For #2, your kids need you and you would likely regret that later in years. If there's no effort for her to go to counseling or chaplain and with the undisclosed credit cards (Might be possible to get a record of charges), it would be best to separate your finances and prepare for the inevitable. Once finances are secured, it may be good to hop on another tour. The only downside is the kids (depending on their age, etc.). I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'll be here to lend an ear. I'm always here to listen and remember you are among brothers/sisters.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 3:57 AM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 03:57:51 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member I am truly sorry you are all going through this. But I think you might be on a helpful course seeking professional help from a counselor. Just maybe they would be able to open her up to reveal the deep down issues. Also hopefully her mother and your mutual friends can give her some perspective. And please do not do anything to yourself there are people that care about you. I will offer what little I can in moral support and be praying that everything works out for the good. Good luck my friend and try to stay positive in this most difficult time.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 3:59 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 03:59:51 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member I replied to you AKO email. Good luck, brother.

Response by TSgt Kristin Parsons made Dec 24 at 2014 4:46 AM

TSgt Kristin Parsons — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 04:46:10 -0500

1SG Healy, I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through such a horrible time. I wish I had the right answer but I don't. All I can do is offer you support and prayers.

Response by SGT(P) Harry Clyde Jr. made Dec 24 at 2014 5:37 AM

SGT(P) Harry Clyde Jr. — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 05:37:20 -0500

1SG Jerry Healy I can relate in some ways.
I agree with MSgt Curtis Borders about the children. They are the most important thing.
Trying to reach your wife through friends and family is a good way to go.
During 13 years of marriage (Been married 18 years now, together 21 years) while I was in the army before retirement there were many times it was about over. Many of the issues were my doing without realizing it. It was so bad that I did a 2 year tour in Germany where my wife refused to come over with the kids, we had 2 at the time. It was tough but I supported them no matter what.
Upon my return and posting to Polk things got a little better but she was still offish though we did have a 3rd child. Self destructive behaviour was done as a backlash against me. We would still do activities together as a family but not so much as a couple. Once here at columbus/ benning some of these behaviors continued. At one point she was bound and determined to leave or have me out of the house away from the family, especially knowing that she would get half the retirement.
I persisted and stayed patient. After I retired I wanted to move back to Colorado. I was told by her to go but she and the kids were staying. I stayed as well.
We didnt fall back in love really till about 2 1/2 years ago. 1 1/2 years into retirement. It has gotten stronger since.
The military is hard on families with late nights, FTX, deployments etc. Wives can sometimes get overwhelmed lost and lonely. They will blame the husband for everything especially if they dont have the support network or its not working for them. This is where the odd behaviors come in as a coping mechanism and it can be costly. It may also be a cry for help.
I have a some ideas. Im no expert in the field but some of these worked for me.
1.Be patient. Sometimes its what it takes. Sometimes issues like this will work out of her.
2. Go back to the beginning. Little notes asking for a date. Even for a few minutes at first without bringing up the main issue. Just talk about stuff like when yas met or something light.
3. Ask if she needs anything when going to the store and/or bring her something small that she likes.
4. Ask if she would like to come along when doing activities with the kids. Even the drive can help with the small talk. This worked with us.
5. Without being pushy ask for counsling. You could start on your own, she may follow suit.
6. Stay in contact with friends and family. They sometimes will know the inside or give hints of whats going on and may also give you or your family as a whole support.
7. Stay strong. Especially for the kids. Falling into a depression ,agitated state or self destructive behavior can rub off on your family and at work. It is noticeable and can affect your productivity and relationships with others besides your family.
8. Realise your human and not alone.
Now the options that are harder to bear.
1. If you have the time in. Think retirement or getting out or at least guard/reserve. Sometimes this is a very hard decision and I ve had married soldiers get the option "your career or your family". It is something to think about. What is more important. If you can do some small talk, at one point bring it up. The ultimate decision is yours but her input has alot of value.
2. If nothing works prepare for what may be (hopefully not)the inevitable. This would be the final course.
None of what I suggested is a garunteed winner. Too many variables with personalities and willingness to participate on both sides.
Crud sucks,I know being there at more than one point myself.
You have my best wishes in hopes that everything works out and that there are others here at RP that are with you as well.
You are not alone.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 6:11 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 06:11:54 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member,

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. You are not alone and we're like family here, so I'm glad that you are reaching out to us. I'm no good at giving relationship advice, but I would feel remiss if I didn't at least share what crossed my mind as I was reading your post.

It's possible that your wife is in a state of depression and that the credit card bills are a direct result. Take-out meals or dining out when she doesn't have the energy to cook, new clothing when she's too tired to do laundry, paying for sitters or trips to entertainment venues when she doesn't feel like watching the kids... these things really add up.

If she is depressed, it's important that she get diagnosed soon. Your plan to enlist support from her family and friends is a good one. If she could take a mini-break and spend time at her parents' or a friend's house without you and the kids, it may help clear her mind enough that she'll agree to counseling.

I agree with SSG Palmer about turning to God in this matter. I don't know if you have any spriritual beliefs, but it's okay if you don't because I have enough faith to cover you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 6:58 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 06:58:21 -0500

Sending a private message! Have been in shoes you're wearing. I could have written this exactly word for word as you have, only for me it was 20 years ago! Stay Strong!

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 8:05 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 08:05:37 -0500

1SG, I'm going to write to you on global because I'm already late for work. More to follow...

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 8:22 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 08:22:50 -0500

1SG,

If I may: I highly recommend that you find some counseling. Not because you are weak and can not push through this, but because it may help you formulate ideas and ensure that you maintain a healthy self-awareness. You have already mentioned Military One Source. Fort Family is another great option. As is giveanhour.org. These can help you maintain confidentiality while providing you with another tool to help work through this. I genuinely feel it would be in your best interest. I am sure in your time, you have seen people who were the strong, rock-steady Soldier and leader that everyone could depend on have a tough time. As you know, it often only takes one event to set someone down a very destructive path and sometimes that event is very, very minute. You are showing your strength by reaching out and trying to vent while gaining perspective and support. That is an amazing first step. Do exactly what you would want your Joe's to do and prove that you can be a success story through one of the toughest times you could imagine. I am sorry that you are going through this, and it could get tougher, but you can and will get through this.

Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Dec 24 at 2014 8:32 AM

LTC Jason Strickland — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 08:32:25 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member - you and your family need our therapeutic program at Project Sanctuary - soon! You're who we serve best!
I'm putting out a call to the entire RallyPoint team to help this 1SG and his family: donate to help him get to a retreat, save his marriage, and keep his family intact!
I will personally ensure Jerry and his family get to a retreat soon.
Visit our website and donate $10 - or any amount. With the 1/2 million RallyPoint members on here, we're sure to raise the money immediately. Share this post and tag your colleagues so that we can make it happen soon!

http://projectsanctuary.us

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Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 8:49 AM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 08:49:26 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member, I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles. Like TSgt Kristin Parsons, I don't have any advice other than what others have said. I will remember you in my prayers.

I agree 100% with CPT Private RallyPoint Member regarding counseling. Even if you don't think you need it, it will undoubtedly help you personally and allow you to bounce ideas off a professional who deals with this sort of thing all the time.

Like everyone who reads your story (I'm sure), I'm rooting for you. Hang in there.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 8:53 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 08:53:08 -0500

RallyPoint -
I am overwhelmed by how many good people have written to me from around the world. All night long. Undoubtedly, when all of you wake up this morning before your Christmas Eve festivities, a downpour of support will happen. People are so good when given an opportunity to show it.

I have a request.
I may be far away, but somewhere much closer to where you are is someone like me, facing something impossible. It is not a Merry Christmas for everyone. Find them. Do something kind. You might just be the last line of defense and not know it.

Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Dec 24 at 2014 8:55 AM

LTC Jason Strickland — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 08:55:47 -0500

If you are donating for 1SG Private RallyPoint Member and his family, then be sure to write his name or RallyPoint in the memo section. Donation link is in the upper right hand corner of our website.

http://projectsanctuary.us

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Response by PO2 Corey Ferretti made Dec 24 at 2014 8:59 AM

PO2 Corey Ferretti — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 08:59:32 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member Im sorry that you are going through this. The fact that she hide that much debt from you most people would walk and not think twice and no one would blame you. I think there has to be something more to what is going on. because no one spend that much on credit cards just because they want too. I would see if she would go and get counsling just for her self because that may be able to help. Also when it comes to you wanting to stay married because you are still in love. All i can say there is show her you love her and are there for her with out smothering her and being all over her. I had to do this this summer to get my wife back. We were separated and she was dating another man who treated her better then i did. After 3 months of just giving her space and showing her i want her back and would treat her right. She took me back (not saying you are what caused your what going on that was my case). But at some point you may have to let go and it will be hard but you will need to. Because holding on to a toxic relationship is not good for anyone. Just remember it is not your fault she racked up all that debt because if that is the reason you are staying with her because she wont be able to afford a place and pay the bills. She needs to understand what she has done. You say that she blaming you for all this but it takes 2 for what is going on and you did not approve the credit card applications from what you said. So in the end if you feel this will be toxic as in you will be doing everything as she just lays around doing nothing then frankly you need to start the papers and either she needs to move or you do becasue it will not be good for either parties if this keeps up and resentment starts to set in. Again i am sorry this is going on.

Response by PV2 Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 9:07 AM

PV2 Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 09:07:42 -0500

First of all let me say Top that my thoughts and prayers are for you and your family to heal and get through this.

In my humble opinion you have two priorities here. 1. Your wife obviously needs some help and the things you mentioned are signs or flags for depression. Technically you can't force her to get help unless she becomes a threat to herself or others. Hopefully you reaching out to her family and friends they can maybe pursuade her to get help. SGT Private RallyPoint Member hit on a great idea to let her go stay with. Family member for a mini break if you will. She needs to talk to someone asap.
2. You need to stop the financial hemorrhaging. It may seem extreme but I would take away any and all credit cards and bank cards you can find from her until she gets help. Talk to the credit card companies and see if they can freeze the accounts and work out a repayment plan. If you don't have one, get a budget going. First things first, to quote Dave Ramsey he says your priorities are Food, Shelter, Clothing. It sounds like clothing is not and issue. Make sure you have plenty of groceries and first thing work on mortgage and utilities. You and your kids need shelter and lights. From there talk to the creditors about the situation and see if they will help you with reduced payments. If I'm not mistaken you have access to financial counselors on base. Reach out to them. Also if you haven't already talk to your CoC as the financial stuff can affect your security clearance. Let them know.

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 9:23 AM

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 09:23:04 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member. You are obviously a very smart and highly capable gentleman. But equally obviously it would help you and your wife to get some individual counseling and also some joint marriage counseling. She needs a work up for both medical (thyroid, blood work, other medical issues) and psychological reasons for her depression and self destructive behavior. Blaming each other has to stop now. The question is what can be done to fix these problems and make marriage work. I will contact privately . . . Abut this really needs someone onsite who can see expression, hear emotional tone of voice, review diagnostics, assess and recommend best course. As many others have said . . . stay strong . . . so you can work through these difficulties. Warmest Regards, Sandy

Response by CSM David Heidke made Dec 24 at 2014 9:24 AM

CSM David Heidke — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 09:24:18 -0500

First Sergeant, I think counseling is a good route. If she doesn't want to go, then go yourself. You may be able to find the guidance to say or do the right things to get her to go too.

Before I married, I read this book http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and it really helped me gain insight into what makes my SO tick. There may be information in there that you can learn more about her. It is from a Christian point of view, so if that bothers you then I apologize. I thought it was good.

Being apart from a loved one is really hard. I spent three years away from my late wife and I feel guilt about it every day. I truly hope you can find a way to keep your family together. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Home | The 5 Love Languages | Improving Millions of Relationships… One Language at a Time.

The 5 Love Languages

Response by SFC Dr. Joseph Finck, BS, MA, DSS made Dec 24 at 2014 9:26 AM

SFC Dr. Joseph Finck, BS, MA, DSS — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 09:26:59 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member First, I am truly sorry you are faced with this dilemma. If she will not go to counseling, perhaps you should. This may allow you and the counselor to develop a strategy to re-open the lines of communication and at the same time provide some support you may want and or need.

Having been down this path, I can tell you that cutting ties and moving away solves one problem, but as you pointed out creates many other problems for you and your children. Recognizing your own issues with a plan you may not be able to execute, shows how great a person you are and how introspective you are. These are fabulous qualities in this situation. It also shows that in spite of the pain you feel you are maintaining your objectivity.

Finally, let’s look at the option of self-destructive behavior. I understand your feelings, more than you know and I am sharing. After much soul searching I recognize this is simply destructive. It erodes who you are, erodes your relationships, and will not result in a meaningful or favorable outcome. All of the other choices lead to some favorable outcome, this does not. What would you tell a platoon sergeant or Soldier if they came to you and disclosed this? Perhaps, if you look at this potential course from a more omniscient standpoint, make a decision as a third party observer, and not as the person with the greatest impact, you will have some success moving forward with another option. Again, I refer back to my original suggestion of you obtaining some counseling. Also, I will provide my contact information and you are welcome to call me. No doubt there are hundreds if not thousands of fellow RP service members who will do the same. Lean on us. Someday, we will need to lean on you.

Response by SGM Luther Thomas made Dec 24 at 2014 9:27 AM

SGM Luther Thomas — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 09:27:29 -0500

1SG Jerry Healy, I have contacted your unit and asked them to contact you to see how we can assist you. If you need or would like to speak to someone at anytime please call Fort Family at [login to see] . They are staffed 24/7/365 and can provide you with a list of resources that are available in your area. You can reach me on the global.

You are not alone, you have plenty qualified options for help or assistance. Please let someone qualified in family and life counseling help you.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 9:36 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 09:36:51 -0500

This makes me sick to hear. I have heard redeployment stories similar to this countless times but it seems that everything that could go wrong with your wife has, and you are still trying to do right by your wife and attempting everything to hold your family together. I know a Soldier whose ex-wife accrued astronomical debt and fell into collection while he was deployed, which ended up in the revocation of his security clearance. Thankfully, his name was cleared of all of his debt and default, and I hope yours will too because financial strain is worst in the long run. I am praying for you and your children's comfort and stability during this time, and for an equitable custody agreement.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 9:59 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 09:59:04 -0500

Response by MG Peter Bosse made Dec 24 at 2014 10:20 AM

MG Peter Bosse — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 10:20:51 -0500

1SG Healy, I want to help. I used to drill in Arden Hills and I live 10 miles from there. I'm happy to meet for coffee to listen and offer some possible suggestions. My first suggestion is Strong Bonds. I have attended three SB events: once as couples participants and twice as the guest speaker. They are excellent and I can highly recommend them. There is a couples event coming up in St Louis on 1/23-1/25 and the closing date for registration is 1/01 at:

https://www.strongbonds.org/skins/strongbonds/display.aspx?moduleid=702a5bf0-3144-49e4-8579-08bd68ee1d23&action=event_information&hl_0=6a7dc9c7-5d17-46df-a4ce-f85c2a55244c&ProgramID=6dbdb944-78f6-4c22-93f8-ac7dd78ce3b8&ConferenceID=cb296aa5-f1c9-4e22-b0bd-6981c0f6a280.

You can call me directly at [login to see] over the holidays if you would like to get together. Sincerely, BGB

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Dec 24 at 2014 10:35 AM

MSG Brad Sand — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 10:35:06 -0500

Top, Brother, other have been in the same place you are now and don't go through this alone.

First, get counseling. Legal and mental, see if she is willing to go through counseling too...even if she will not it is worth a try. If you are religious, reach out to your church family and ask other to pray for you and your wife.

Second, document EVERYTHING. She is wrong in this BUT our Nation does not care about fathers and father's have little rights (see other have been in the same place above) unless they are in the original order.

Last, take a deep breath, let it out...maybe go to the gym and get a good workout...now what would you tell one of your soldiers if they came to you with this problem? Follow your own excellent advice! You will make it through this...no matter what she does or doesn't do. This can make you a better man, father, leader and maybe even husband.

Last last, forgive her because the feeling you are holding on to only hurt you. You might want to find out what the guy's name is...or not but the phone time in a giant red flag to me.

Message me if I can be of additional help.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 10:48 AM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 10:48:17 -0500

1SG Jerry Healy, I am praying for you and your family. I have been through a similar circumstance following a deployment years ago and God blessed me through it. I counsel couples. However, it is difficult to do so over the phone. I will provide you with my contact information. If you feel led to contact me, I will pray with you and ask our Heavenly Father to order your steps in the proper direction. Know that you're not alone my brother. Almost everything you shared in your initial post was on point with what I went through. Call me and let's reason together.

Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Dec 24 at 2014 10:50 AM

LTC Jason Strickland — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 10:50:24 -0500

Just to give an update, so far this outstanding RallyPoint team has raised over $300 to help 1SG Private RallyPoint Member and his family attend a Project Sanctuary retreat! Thanks for all of the support. Let's keep it up! If you want to donate, visit our website and in the top right corner is our donation link. In an online PayPal transaction, indicate Jerry Healy or RallyPoint in the memo and we'll ensure it is for he and his family.
Thank you all so much!
http://www.projectsanctuary.us

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 10:59 AM

SGM Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 10:59:23 -0500

Top, for what it's worth, I really empathize with you. 6 deployments, and my wife and I managed, but it wasn't easy.

I'll try not to go over all the other advice you were given.

Tough nut or not, it's likely your wife is embarrassed at putting $27,000 on two credit cards. It could be that when that is completely out in the open, there will be a chance for her to come out of her protective shell.

Having you gone gave her an excuse to spend to make up for it. Now you are back and reminding her that she did it, so it's easier to have you "gone" in her mind than face the music. So the first step I would make is to get those cards cancelled and cancel every card you have except 1 (you choose.) Depending on your state, you may have rights to delay, cancel, or at least see copies of the statements. Again, while she won't like it, once it's all out in the open maybe she can stop hiding.

If she won't go to counselling, you should still go.

Other people have a lot more to offer, but you are welcome to contact me if you need an ear.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 11:38 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 11:38:14 -0500

1SG Healy,
Same thing happened to me when I got home from Afghanistan... Phone, no connection, "friends", and everyone mattered more then I did... I spent the money, did the trips, tried to do the romance thing, broke both my back and wallet trying and she still left. Fortunately she clawed back but I wish you the best and I hope things work out.

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made Dec 24 at 2014 11:56 AM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 11:56:06 -0500

Wow. Sorry for what you are going through. I can say I've been there to a much lesser degree. I can also say I've seen a very similar situation with a fellow officer in my unit. A deployment wreaks havoc on even the closest of relationships. Option 1 is hopefully the option you will be pursuing. With that said, you need some personal time so that options 2 & 3 hopefully don't become reality.

1) You should consider the high road for your children's sake. They need to see you are a good man and father, despite what your wife has done and is going through. You need to provide the stability for them. You are right, it is not an easy task, but what task is easy in a military career. First and foremost do what you can for the kids. Yes that will mean putting personal things on the back burner, but they will be the most susceptible in this situation and they need grounding.

2) It does sound like you need a separation. Since she is the one as you describe not providing the support at this time, can she be the one to find alternate quarters by herself? Allow her to come to the kids when she can. Maybe this can giver her a chance to come around to her better senses. Again, what situation grounds your children the best?

3) See if you can come together to resolve the finances eventually. My wife did this to me while I was away. She hid the debt, made me think everything was OK and then the claymore went boom when I walked back into the house. It was nasty for a while. Finances can heal, though it may take time, but your family has to mend first.

4) your wife may be "calling the shots" right now but you are both going through this together, whether or not she acknowledges it. Get counseling for yourself, try to work things out for yourself first so you can then provide direction for your children and get them counseling if they need it. This is a sign of strength - you are not going to let the situation overwhelm you, you are going to take it head on. Maybe your wife will see what you are doing and eventually decide to come back to the fold.

5) IMHO, you have the right idea about getting some friends and family to help your wife, but she has to want it. Don't make it appear like you are doing an end run leading to an "intervention"/ambush, this could make things worse.

The worst thing that works against us is time and patience. We have to give it time and show patience and that is like slow torture, when we want to see immediate resolution. Been there and done it. Please Top, do your best to not lose faith in yourself and your children's resiliency. Your wife you may have to let go of in order to heal and find the best path forward through the mine field. I'm always willing to lend an ear if you need one. Try your best to enjoy the holidays.

Response by PO3 Brendan "Smitty" Smith made Dec 24 at 2014 12:19 PM

PO3 Brendan "Smitty" Smith — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 12:19:47 -0500

Top,
First let me say that I hope and pray the restorative measures you are implementing take hold and you are able to save your marriage. However, if all else fails, I think you should pursue full custody of your children. It seems to me your wife is withdrawing from life. She has neglected her financial responsibilities, her household responsibilities, and her motherly duties.

It sounds like she resents that you went off to war and left her to handle the day to day operations of a house with three children. While it wasn't fair, and in a perfect world, you never would have left, life is not fair and it is far from perfect. It's not fair to you either, spending 4 deployments away from your kids. But she doesn't seem to be seeing, or caring about that side of the equation.

Hopefully, she'll realize what she's throwing away. Hopefully it won't be necessary, but if it is, if she forces your hand, you have to do what's best for you and especially your children. To me, that sounds like being with you.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 24 at 2014 12:23 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 12:23:52 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member: I just got tagged into this post, but I understand fully where you are coming from. My marital situation is similar is some ways to yours.

Here's what I'm going to recommend: First, talk to your doctor and/or do some research. She may have a hormonal imbalance that has not been diagnosed. A hormonal imbalance can cause people to feel tired, depressed, and not want to deal with things such as day-to-day life. Based on your description, she is also showing some of the classic series of signs of functional depression. A functionally depressed person may also act out in ways, such as getting a credit card, spending money, and possibly even having an affair, or several affairs, in order to try to make themselves feel better (Please note: I'm not suggesting she is having an affair - it is something that could manifest if she is functionally depressed and you need to be aware of it). I think, that a hormonal imbalance and/or functional depression are your #1 and #2 likely causes of what's going on here!

Second, get your wife (you'll need to go with her) to the doctor and have them run a full blood panel. This will determine if there are any hormonal imbalances. The hormonal imbalances can be treated with medicines, as well as any depression she may have. Make sure you find out all the side effects of any meds before she goes on any - because there may be mood swings involved - which you should also be aware of. Also, you should discuss your own depression with your doc! This is important because you need to know how to handle it and your doc can give you some advice - you may need to see a specialist for this.

Third: Go get counseling. Discuss all of this with a counselor - even if she won't go, you need to go because it will help you understand how you should NOT enable her any more. If you can, get her to go with you - which may be hard - but at some point, you must get her to go.

Fourth: Separate your finances, at least for now. Call all the credit card companies, and lock the cards out if you can. You might want to make arrangements with the credit card companies to go on a payment plan.

Let me know if you have any questions - I'll be glad to help where I can.

Response by TSgt Jackie Jones made Dec 24 at 2014 12:26 PM

TSgt Jackie Jones — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 12:26:50 -0500

I'll keep it short and you can take what you like- a close friend of mine was in a similar situation, but HE had given up on her (no financial burdens and bills tho). He was convinced, for the children's sake, to go with his wife to a "marriage bootcamp". The two of them paid for the 5 days and travelled to Texas from California. It really changesd his outlook on his relationship. I don't know if it will work out in the long run, but for now, he has realized there is something worth working on. Maybe, your wife can be convinced to do this sort of thing. After his experience, I am contemplating going with my husband before we have problems. Good luck my friend, and I hope you find a solution, whatever it may be.

Response by SPC David S. made Dec 24 at 2014 1:18 PM

SPC David S. — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 13:18:33 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member thank you for reaching out to us here at RP. Your honesty is to be admired. While I know saving your marriage is top in your mind you need to take care of yourself first. In order for you to there for your kids you need to be firmly grounded as your children are going to need you if things don't work out between you and your wife. There is a non-profit that I work with that offers free counseling services for service members and their family members as well. Its called the Soldier's Project. Please reach out to these guys in working this out. Praying for you.

http://thesoldiersproject.org/

Response by SFC William Adamek made Dec 24 at 2014 1:21 PM

SFC William Adamek — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 13:21:45 -0500

I went through a similar situation that started before I retired but didnt end until after I did. I am now a single dad (full time custody), happier than I have been in a long time, and far better off financially than I ever was during that marriage. I too did everything in my power to save the marriage but could never really get the trust back from the lies, deceits, and indescretions on my ex's part. I was bringing in nearly $100k a year, and we were perpetually broke and in debt.

Looking back, the worst part was on the kids (one hers and one ours) and what they saw on a daily basis. They learn by what they see us doing. My son caught his mom with another man while I was out of the house. If you are deciding about custody, remember that. They are seeing how she has handled money, household and relationships. Do you want them to learn and grow up learning these same traits. We started at the 50/50 custody and they eventually just stayed with me full time.

My ex has now been diagnosed bi-polar, has gotten some help, and is working on her problems. But we have been divorced 8 years now and the last 6 of our marriage was horrible for the kids and me both. Her daughter is grown now and our son is a senior in HS who may talk to his mother once or twice a month.

If this was one of your troops with this problem and it was affecting their life, their family, and thier career like this is obviously affecting yours... how would you guide them. How many times have we seen our troops throw away their careers only to end up with the same result after the fact.

Whichever way you go, its about more than you... think of the kids and their perspective on marriage, life and how they are going to handle their futures

Response by SGM Paul Shenep (R) made Dec 24 at 2014 1:28 PM

SGM Paul Shenep (R) — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 13:28:32 -0500

Top I am happy for you coming here to vent and albeit this too shall pass. Meaning, what worked for me was time--one day at a time Top. One foot in front of the other. Just think of what you bring to the table once the storm has passed, another tool to help others through the fog of family which really undoubtedly makes us stronger noncoms. No one will admit it, but we need NCOs that's been through the gamit. That's not my first wife in my picture. I remember what my chaplain said to me was, "sometimes you have to let a butterfly go and sometimes you have to take out the garbage." Since then and before you know it, and it happens really happens FAST: is you will be watching your kids walk across the stage and next, grand kids on the lap. I envy all my buddies, I'm still waiting on the grand kids. Meanwhile, your Soldiers need you, we need you, and your family needs you. First things first is you, by following the morals that got you here. So, take the guidance given over you with a sober mind and decision during Christmas season and try to keep some normalcy in your diet, fitness, and sleep.

Response by SPC Leisel Luman made Dec 24 at 2014 1:32 PM

SPC Leisel Luman — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 13:32:33 -0500

Truly hanous environment for you to come home to after serving this country. I agree with LTC Strickland only because YOU want to save this marriage. You are setting the example but if your desire does not come to fuitition you will part with the knowledge that you did everything in your power to save your family and yourself. Her behavior is toxic, abusive, cruel, & criminal. Even if it is a medical problem it's no more excusable than a male soldier comming home with medical problem abusing his wife. I'm angry and outraged for you. Since I'm CatholIc all of my unspoken words and feeling About this will cost me some extra time at Mass today.

Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Dec 24 at 2014 1:43 PM

LTC Jason Strickland — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 13:43:14 -0500

We've already raised nearly $400 just in a few hours this AM on RallyPoint. I am not surprised at the generosity of the brothers and sisters in arms that make this forum so powerful.
Let's not stop the momentum for 1SG Private RallyPoint Member and his family!
Please consider a donation of $10 to "whatever your heart tells you" in order offer a retreat for this family who is struggling.
Visit our website and click on the donate button in the top right corner. When it takes you to PayPal, mention RallyPoint or Jerry Healy in the comments/notes section.

http://www.projectsanctuary.us

Home - Project Sanctuary

Home page for the Project Sanctuary website

Response by PO2 Jonathan Scharff made Dec 24 at 2014 2:14 PM

PO2 Jonathan Scharff — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 14:14:16 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member I am so sorry that you are going through this. I too have had many difficulties in life to deal with. I have read all of the above postings and unfortunately don't have anything else to offer other than my prayers for your family. Please know that as I sit down to Christmas dinner with my family you will be mentioned out loud as well as in my private prayers.

I have donated to Project Sanctuary along with many other RP members and I hope that you are able to take advantage of that.

Please let us know if there is anything that any of us can do. Obviously, based on this outpouring of advise and offers for assistance, we are available and willing. I have sent you a friend request with my cell phone if you need another friend to talk to. Please take me up on this if you feel that I can be of any help.

Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Dec 24 at 2014 2:21 PM

LTC Jason Strickland — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 14:21:55 -0500

Update to my last post...we're now at $500 to help 1SG Private RallyPoint Member and his family. Give what you can to your military family!

If you are donating for 1SG Healy and his family, then be sure to write his name or RallyPoint in the memo section. Donation link is in the upper right hand corner of our website.

http://projectsanctuary.us

Home - Project Sanctuary

Home page for the Project Sanctuary website

Response by SSG Trevor S. made Dec 24 at 2014 3:53 PM

SSG Trevor S. — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 15:53:33 -0500

If your instinct is to go to counseling, going by yourself because she won't go would be a course of action. Remember that you may offer guidance to anyone willing to be receptive but the only person you can truly change is yourself.

Response by SGT Steven Montgomery made Dec 24 at 2014 5:48 PM

SGT Steven Montgomery — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 17:48:07 -0500

Sorry for your troubles 1SG Private RallyPoint Member, I'll definitely make a donation to help you and your wife get some counseling. It has to help and I hope you can save your marriage.

Response by SSG Jim Foreman made Dec 24 at 2014 7:51 PM

SSG Jim Foreman — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 19:51:12 -0500

First, you know one person can’t make a relationship work. You can try all you want, but if she is done...she is done. Second, how could you trust her again if she has been hiding all the debt she has gotten you into? A friend of mine found himself in a situation similar to yours. After he paid off the first 50g in credit card bills his wife accumulated she incurred another 80g in bills. He later found out she was spending 6 to 8 hours a day on her cell with a guy from England [doesn't mean that is what your wife is doing]. Third, you said you don't like the way she is acting towards your children. Why would you trust her with 50% custody?
I wish I could give you the answers you are looking for, but only you know what to do. I only mentioned some things that jumped out to me. You’re in a crappy situation, good luck.

Response by SPC Donald Moore made Dec 24 at 2014 7:59 PM

SPC Donald Moore — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 19:59:51 -0500

Your best option is to keep the relationship together but she has got to be willing to work for that to happen. You said that she isn't willing to engage in any effort to mend the relationship, so that may be a non-starter.

Option 2 is what I ended up with and it is difficult, but you need to be the one to initiate the divorce proceedings if you want to have any sort of favorable outcome. Whoever files has the advantage in the eyes of the court (at least in my state) and you need to take the initiative if that is where you have to go. Talk to a lawyer and gather your evidence of her neglect of the children in favor of this game and show her to be irresponsible and take custody of the children from her. Put her on the loosing side of the equation or you will never forgive yourself. Take it from me, I have been through it twice.

Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Dec 24 at 2014 10:01 PM

LTC Jason Strickland — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 22:01:12 -0500

Thanks to all who have contributed thus far!
We are now at over $600 raised for 1SG Healy.
If you are donating for 1SG Private RallyPoint Member and his family, then be sure to write his name or RallyPoint in the memo section. Donation link is in the upper right hand corner of our website.
http://www.projectsanctuary.us

Home - Project Sanctuary

Home page for the Project Sanctuary website

Response by SPC(P) Micah Lavigne made Dec 24 at 2014 10:16 PM

SPC(P) Micah Lavigne — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 22:16:28 -0500

1SG I have not been married for 15 years. mine is barely a year old. I cannot offer advise based on experience. I can however offer advise based on knowledge and my parent's success.

My Dad is a Vet and even in his post military life would be gone working late hours. and caused a rift with my Mom. Have you tried Marriage counseling or talking privately with a Chaplain. Ask your wife why she wants to leave you? Show you are willing to make it work and Mean it! My Dad had to put all his cards on the table and it just ended up being he had to stop working late nights and weekends (he was self employed so it was easy yes but hard due to business economics) He had to raise his Costs of services and hire crews so he could manage and accept job offers from prospective clients.

I don't know what your sacrifice would be to make it work with your family 1SG but as a married man with one failed marriage I will say If I was willing to make sacrifices and not just show economic support maybe it would have gone better

I wish you luck and a Donation shall be given soon (It's Christmas and I went overboard on my family)

Merry Christmas

Response by 1SG David Niles made Dec 24 at 2014 11:07 PM

1SG David Niles — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 23:07:15 -0500

Man, i wish I had some advise for you, I wish I had that perfect solution that will make everything go back to the way, we men think was good, My wife and I have both had are ups and downs, but we have been both willing to work on it. The latest was the empty nest syndrome. We worked through it and learned to live together and be together without children in the house. It was tense for a couple of weeks, but it is working out for us after 26 yrs. Again, both have to want it. If not, then understand, the children come first, everything else is second, as you stated you went through it, make them your focus, make them your everything, and seek GOD, I don't care what religion you are, but most believe in a GOD, give it up to him and he will give you the strength to take the next step and the step after that. God Bless Top and good luck.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 25 at 2014 12:17 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 00:17:31 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member It's hard to go through what you are, even more so during the Holiday season. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 25 at 2014 12:47 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 00:47:25 -0500

Top,
Make a deal with your wife. If she really wants a divorce you will give it to her, and be the bad guy... but she has to fully commit for 3-6 months to being an equally yoked and loving partner again. If after re-learning how to love you and herself again she still wants a divorce than something is wrong. Either way it will show your kids that you both gave it a full measure of devotion to try to re-kindle what she lost.
I know it is not necessarily what you want to hear, but sometimes the hardest step is the first.

Response by SSG Robert Blair made Dec 25 at 2014 12:48 AM

SSG Robert Blair — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 00:48:31 -0500

1SG, first off I am sorry you are going through this. I went though a very similar situation myself. Fought this battle for over six years.
It may not work for everyone but here is what worked for me:
Although I could hardly afford it, I got a place on my own (continuing to share responsibilities of the children daily). We went to therapy on our own. Some of that therapy helped me and some helped her. What really broke her was she realized how jealous she was of the thought that I might be dating. Which was a pain trying to prove otherwise, but that was her wake up that she wasn't over us. She continued therapy and took it very seriously. The desire to fix both of our independent flaws was a major help. You both need to want to fix it for yourselves not for the other. That's what we were doing wrong. Four months ago she calmly asked me to come back home and we have been like we were the first few years together. I always believed marriage doesn't take a break and that you should always be working at it. I think I was wrong. Sometimes you have to take a break from each other for the good of your marriage.
Take time to find yourselves again as individuals and then merge once again as you did when you first met.
I hope some of this helps you as it did me.
Good luck 1SG. I will

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Dec 25 at 2014 2:19 AM

SFC Mark Merino — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 02:19:36 -0500

I wrote a phone book, and it vanished.
Paraphrased version: No marriage will succeed unless both parties are willing to fight like all hell to save it. Staying in a marriage for convenience, money, children, etc. is never worth it. Miserable people make miserable spouses, parents, and human beings. Do everything in your power to make it work, but know that even the pain of divorce (should it happen) will fade away. I spent years alone to get my head straight and got help with the VA, left my whiskey behind, and PRAYED A LOT! I went through a miserable 20 yr marriage and the divorce from hell. I found the person God truly meant for me to be with (from Japan......last place you think to look...lol). We have something that my first marriage lacked......respect. Respect for God, respect for each other, respect for the sanctimony of marriage. You spent a career taking care of everyone, Top. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Vacations and get aways are nice, but they don't change the heart. They postpone resentment, pain, and whatever else is at the core of the problem. If you can get into counseling, I advise biting your lip and letting her talk and talk and talk and let her paint you as the antichrist while you hold your tongue. It is hard to do, but it will dramatically help your cunselor to zero in on the true cause of the dysfunction. When we get defensive and sidetrack our spouse, the constant side-tracking helps NO ONE. Avoid the word "You" and "always" when it is your chance to speak. Many spouses let those words bring out the hardest defense mechanisms and they quit listening to what is being said and just plan for their response. Throw in "I feel like...." and "Sometimes that feels hurtful when.....". If couples can stick to simple rules in the etiquette of "discussion", you can make days of therapy as successful as months of therapy. I'm just a simple pudgy old man, who's 20 yr marriage failed, so please take these ramblings with a miniscule grain of salt. I will say that we are all here for you and judging by the outpouring of encouraging advice (especially from some SERIOUS power players in the military) you have brought the RallyPoint community even closer during this most special time of the year by sharing your pain with us. Merry Christmas brother. Hang tough and God bless you all. Please add this coveted RallyPoint Commendation Medal to your other significant list of accolades.

Response by 1LT David Moeglein made Dec 25 at 2014 5:29 AM

1LT David Moeglein — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 05:29:12 -0500

1SG Jerry Healy, I hear you. I am inspired by the support that you are getting from our peers. There are some very helpful suggestions posted. I admire your diligence and commitment to your family.

All married people by definition have marriage issues. I recommend three books to all of my clients struggling with them:
1) The DNA of Relationships, by Gary Smalley;
2) The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman; as well as
3) Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, by Emerson Eggerichs.

These authors of these books come from a Christian perspective, but it is really just common horse sense. My Jewish wife keeps rereading them, and I am sure glad she does.

I hesitate to say too much. We can get overwhelmed by too much information, and most of what we communicate is through body language. Hence, it is important having professional resources to help work through things in person. I really want to keep this simple. I would rather point to the resources that I know have made a difference in people's lives. Although I am a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker, the authors of these books are the masters. All three write from a humble place.

Should you want, I would be happy to respond if you drop me a message offline. I wish you and your family all of the best.

Response by SMSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 25 at 2014 8:04 AM

SMSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 08:04:54 -0500

Shirt, there is no way to put this lightly, this is a shitty situation to say the least. Unfortunately you can not control how another thinks and feels. Have you ever heard of the saying "everyone knows what to do with a kicking mule except for the guy that has one." This is a prime example of that. I can give you al the advice in the world, but you are the one that has to make the tough decision. I went through a similar issue with my ex wife about three years ago. I was TDY to a field training RTC when I received a call from my mom three days before I was to come home. She informed me that my wife had moved out of our house. Mind you I spoke to my wife everyday while I was TDY and she gave no clue what she had done. I also found out that she maxed out a 25K credit card. We have one child together and that doesn't make things any easier. I called her after I spoke to my mom and asked her how her day was going, she told me that she went to the park and took a few of my daughters friends with them. I then confronted her and asked if she moved out and she responded with, you must have found out from this little rat over here! I was floored and couldn't believe what she just said. I returned home a few days later to a pretty empty house. I had a fridge, living room furniture and a mattress on the floor. I owned a 2700 sq ft home at the time, so needless to say it was pretty bare. I changed the locks on the door and changed the code to the garage. The day I got home she wanted to discuss her actions and I told her that her actions spoke louder than words. She was in the Military for 14 years so this dear john shit wasn't going over well with me. We worked out a custody schedule and made it work for about three months. After that she came back on her hands and knees crying begging to come back. I told her that if she ever packed a bag that we would be finished. Everything went well for about nine months. My mother bartends at the enlisted club on base and I stopped in after work to have a drink and talk to her about my brothers B-Day. I called my wife and told her where I was and what I was doing. At about 6:00 I get a call asking if I were coming home to make dinner. I told her that so would be there by 7:00. When I got home she had started packing. I told her to keep packing and that I would not go through the motions and allow that type of behavior, about a month later the movers showed up to the door and I showed them everything to take as she cried and begged me not to let it happen. She had leased the same house that she did before putting us Ina financial bind once more. The end result was a divorce 50/50 custody and I met my soon to be wife about six years later at our military ball. I can't even begin to tell you how much happier I am. My son to be spouse is going through an officer board, I picked up an E-9 position and my daughter wants to live with me. Continue to show your kids that you love them and hold them to the standard! They will resect you for that because it's the right thing to do, might not win by popular demand, but it's the right thing to do. I wish you the best my friend!

Response by SSG Peter Muse made Dec 25 at 2014 9:09 AM

SSG Peter Muse — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 09:09:16 -0500

Jerry Healy,
First off, God Bless and Merry Christmas to you and your family. Second, thank you for your sacrifices over the years. Four years ago I walked out on a marriage that I left the Army with 14 years and a fresh 6 yr re-enlistment in hopes to save it. There are lot's of similarities in our story although the roles are reversed in some places - things I did you did to save it and some of the things she is feeling, I felt.. That makes me zero qualified to give you any advice because these things are like fingerprints and every situation is unique even if many of the lines look the same. I will say communication is certainly a key and probably that needs to be facilitated by a 3rd party professional who you both feel comfortable with. Thanks and hats off to all of the RP family for giving you great support and options. To that I would only add that you make sure you get whatever help you need to get a firm grip on your own emotions and responses. You have counseled scores of people through this situation but the ton of bricks just hit differently when they hit home and it's like trying to direct traffic after having your own car crash. I will say that you can get to her "why" for all of this but it takes great listening skills and asking the questions that focus on what she is feeling and leaving your side of the story completely out of it. Thus the third party, because one of the hardest things for people to do is listen with the intent of understanding rather with the intent of replying or diagnosing. The counselors I went to, she chose, and they were unable to steer through to the source. Both the Priest and the Minister gave up so that is why it is important to select facilitation you can trust and who is an expert at getting to this. The person who comes to mind for me is Maj. Glen Wurglitz, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychology/Clinical Neuropsychology. He co-leads the Army Soldier 360 program. Folks in Germany and JBLM might know him. You can look him u p on youtube and Google and I am happy to connect you if you like. S360 is, in most cases , command funded and even though it might not be scheduled in your area, it might be worth a TDY trip. One note to your finances is that even those numbers do not mean sure bankruptcy if you two split. I had more than that and held on and am knocking it down slowly while working to increase my ability to pay. There is a book titled "How Rich People Think" and although the title is accurate, it does not speak to how the book can change how you approach the financial situation you described.
1SG you are an awesome influence here and this community has showed how it can come together and not let you down and that is what it's all about for any of us who served or serve. We are strongest when we work together. God Bless.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 25 at 2014 10:19 AM

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 10:19:55 -0500

I will say you should read the Power of Now and the Four Agreements.
The wife in my opinion has already moved on to someone else and thats probably where the money went.
Children if you can afford boarding school that would be my first opition if not, grandparents or sister and brothers who have kids.
Depending on the state in which you got married hopefully is not a common law state. Finacially, you can recover over time. There is the opition to file bankrut or make payment options to the lenders.
Most important of all dont take what she did personally, Her actions were about her state of well being, and hers alone. I could go on but the road ahead will not be easy and will only heal with time. Stay strong and it foes get better.

Response by SGT Michael Doggett made Dec 25 at 2014 10:40 AM

SGT Michael Doggett — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 10:40:02 -0500

1SG Jerry Healy, it is so awesome to read the support and encouragement you are receiving from so many people. One of the advantages of today’s technology and social media.

First off, I would like to commend you for your desire to keep your marriage together. Seems in today's society it is so easy and common to see divorce being the first line of defense rather than the last. It would be easy to blame this situation on your deployments. After all, 4 deployments leaving a wife with 3 small kids would be a challenge for even the best of marriages.

I too went through what I will call “relationship hell” several years ago. Married (for the 4th time), with 3 kids from my 3rd wife, I found myself (my family) deep in debt and heading towards another divorce. I was a 2nd level manager at a very large company where I was home every night so I did not have the excuse of not being physically present. I went to church on Sunday’s and sang in the choir. I drove a nice car and seemed to have it all together. Yet, divorce seemed to be the road I was on. It was not due to an affair (in the traditional sense; I was married to my job) or to arguing and fighting, which made it really hard for me to comprehend and deal with. My first response was to try to fix my wife. After all, I had it all together (this was my mind set through my previous marriages as well). I was managing several hundred people, had an important title and made good money so it couldn’t be something wrong with me; it had to be her. It seemed the more I pushed the further apart we became. I tried to convince her that she needed therapy and that I would go to support her. We finally decided on a marriage counselor and spent the next 3 months going to fix what I had determined to be her problem. But try as I might, things were not changing. It was at this time that the therapist made a recommendation to me that I seek out a personal therapist to work on some things myself. Wow!!! What was I paying this guy for? 3 months and he is telling me to go somewhere else. To make a long story short, I took his advice and sought out a therapist. As it turned out, there were a lot of issues that I needed to fix with myself, and it was only after I started working on myself that my relationship with my wife started to mend. The damage was years in the making so the repair didn’t happen over night. I am happy to say that things are better then ever now, not because I changed her, but because I took care of myself, which resulted in changed attitudes and expectations towards each other.

I share this because as I read your post I recognized a lot of similarities in our response to the storm. I too tried to work her through her friends and family. We had also made a pact to not involve the kids (they new a whole lot more than we realized). I too went through a lot of self-doubt, depression, anger and confusion. We were also deep in debt with no light in sight. My fight or flight reaction was telling me to run, after all, that is what I did on my previous marriages. Your children need stability in their lives and they have to be the priority in the decisions you make. Running is not the answer. If your wife is truly being neglectful towards your kids then it is even more critical that you not “cut ties”. I was a weekend parent and through some personal and professional changes, I made it work. The financial rollercoaster will eventually right itself, if you remain pro-active in your approach to it. You would not believe the freedom of what cutting up credit cards will bring you.

Take care of yourself 1SG Jerry Healy, seek out a professional therapist who won’t put up with your crap and call you on your shortcomings. You will be in my prayers and thoughts and I hope to hear of the positive changes that will happen in the days to come. Merry Christmas 1SG Jerry Healy and a Happy 2015.

Response by Sgt Jennifer Mohler made Dec 25 at 2014 1:34 PM

Sgt Jennifer Mohler — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 13:34:36 -0500

It sounds as if she may also suffer from depression? It may help for her to have a session or two with a therapist to explore this. If she is indeed suffering they can help her heal. If not you can rule it out and try to move forward. I hope this all works out. Broken families break my heart and I dispair at watching a family fall apart.

Response by SSgt Rilene Ann made Dec 25 at 2014 8:13 PM

SSgt Rilene Ann — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 20:13:28 -0500

I think a lot of military are quick to find a partner and marry compared to those of the same age in civilian life -not always making a choice for the right reasons. As I was military (Flying Wing) married to military (PJ) who became injured in a jumping accident during the time before Iraq. I say being wounded especially puts a strain on a marriage especially when the marriage is not strong to begin with. Some personalities view the marriage as taking away from their military brothers time. And of course the support of the family plays a lot. If you marry into a family that has never had a family member who experienced the military there are often biases. I grew up in a military family compared to his who had family members that joined the peace corp to avoid the draft. I think their biases did not help. But of course it was ultimately our fault things did not work out.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 25 at 2014 10:42 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 22:42:01 -0500

Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Develop a course of action plan

COA1: What is most likely will happen with you and your family.
COA2: What is least likely will happen to you and your family.
COA3: What is the most dangerous situation for you and your family.

Seek counsel for yourself and children. Write everything down in pertaining to the events that led to this situation.

Start learning about divorce laws within your state.

If your wife accumulates debt in your name without your consent you may want to write a letter to the creditors and refute the debt. The creditors will go after your wife.

Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Dec 26 at 2014 8:40 AM

LTC Jason Strickland — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 08:40:00 -0500

I want to once again update the RallyPoint team on your generosity to help 1SG Private RallyPoint Member and his family. Collectively, we've raised over $650 to help 1SG Jerry Healy and his family. Please continue to give what you can to this military family here on RallyPoint!

If you are donating for 1SG Healy and his family, then be sure to write his name or RallyPoint in the memo section. Donation link is in the upper right hand corner of our website.

I sincerely appreciate the efforts and donations already made and continue to request that you tag other RallyPoint members and let them know how we're helping one of our brothers in arms who is immediate need of assistance! A gift of as little as $10 from any of the 500,000 members in this forum will go a long way to provide the Healy family a six-day retreat and two years of follow up.

http://projectsanctuary.us

Home - Project Sanctuary

Home page for the Project Sanctuary website

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 26 at 2014 10:07 AM

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 10:07:59 -0500

I have seen something identical with my BF spouse....it turned out to be a gambling addiction. You mention CC debt in the thousands, follow the trail...it will reveal where she is spending it. If indeed it is online gambling, she needs some serious help.
As a health care prcrisislll it is ominous that she doesn't want to care for the kids or herself anymore, this is not a moral lapse in character, this is a mental health crisis. Not quite a psychotic break, but a mental health crisis none the less. Sometimes a spouse will snap when forced to shoulder all the responsibilities of the home. Sounds like she burnt out for with your previous op tempo.
There is an emotional burn-out, physical burn-out, and both of those reek havoc on the adrenal glands. If she is open to a physical exam where you could go in with her, I suggest you start there. A drug test sounds appropriate as well...since she is acting out of character.

A forensic accountant could look at your current financial records and tell you if a bankruptcy is appropriate. Sometimes if you fail to pay your CC, you can negotiate for a smaller balance, the CC company will have to agree to accept less.

As far as the kids are involved, try to establish and keep a routine.. do not get them involved in your personal dealing as of yet.

It is difficult trying to save a relationship when only one party wants it to work...which leads me to all the time she is chatting, with whom, and why? If it is a female or male, both can be ominous? Or is it a chat room, where she is having an emotional relationship? Will she share the phone with you?

At some point you may need to preserve your sanity and cut sling, but don't decide until you have exhausted all avenues....please PM with any questions...many of these same things happened in my past relationshio, and it ended up being a year torrid affair. I wouldn't wish thst on my enemy. God Speed 1SG

Response by CPO Bernie Penkin made Dec 26 at 2014 1:44 PM

CPO Bernie Penkin — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:44:09 -0500

Hello 1SGT. Looks like you are trying to cover all bases. A lot of folks here are standing by to help. It is going to take both of you to get the marriage back on track. My prayers go out to you.

Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Dec 26 at 2014 6:14 PM

LTC Jason Strickland — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 18:14:53 -0500

Here's the latest update to the RallyPoint team on your efforts to help 1SG Private RallyPoint Member and his family. Since we began on Dec. 24, we've raised over $700 to help 1SG Jerry Healy and his family. Please continue to give what you can to this military family here on RallyPoint!

As a reminder, if you are donating for 1SG Healy and his family, then be sure to write his name or RallyPoint in the memo section. Donation link is in the upper right hand corner of our website.

I appreciate the efforts and donations already made and continue to request that you tag other RallyPoint members and let them know how we're helping one of our brothers in arms who is immediate need of assistance! A gift of as little as $10 from any of the 500,000 members in this forum will go a long way to provide the Healy family a six-day retreat and two years of follow up.

As always, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

http://projectsanctuary.us

Home - Project Sanctuary

Home page for the Project Sanctuary website

Response by CMC Robert Young made Dec 26 at 2014 8:42 PM

CMC Robert Young — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 20:42:38 -0500

1SG, I experienced, and have observed others experience similar circumstances in the years following 9/11. As a reservist repeatedly recalled to active service, the drain on home life was enormous.

First and foremost, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Second, self care is a must. You must maintain your own health and wellbeing to be positive force in any future course of action. Healthy body & mind are absolutely essential now and for the future. Don't try to do this on your own. Individual counseling is a must. If that evolves into couples counseling so much the better, but for the time being you must focus on keeping yourself healthy. Diet, exercise, rest, and diversionary activity to give your mind the opportunity to rest are requirements.

Third, my observation about the situation based on your post is that this did not develop overnight, and likewise will not be healed overnight. Much can be said for perseverance. There is rarely an easy way out of the darkness. Remember, regardless of the outcome, you're running a marathon, not a sprint.

Fourth, I would strongly recommend that you (or possibly your mutual friends since they are more likely to be well received) encourage your wife to seek some medical screening. The lack of impulse control, fatigue, changes in temperament, social withdrawal, etc are all indicative of chemical dependency, depression, hormone imbalance, or a host of other medically treatable causes. The caveat I would offer here is that unless she gets serious about pursuing a solution to her situation, you are powerless to help.

I could write a book, but time dictates that I close now. Send me e-mail if needed. I (and I'm sure the remainder of the PR crowd are as well), am here for you. Stay strong. Pray hard!

Response by PO3 Maria Flasher made Dec 27 at 2014 2:16 AM

PO3 Maria Flasher — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 02:16:16 -0500

1SG,
I am not of the frame of mind to ever give unwarranted advice, but it seems you need a woman to tell you the honest truth. Having read your entire story in a nut shell as presented here I can tell you that this is not your fault. When the end to a relationship comes, one of the parties blames themselves while the other places all of the blame on the one who is already blaming themselves. This has obviously made it that much easier for your wife to separate herself from your situation. Sadly there are obviously other people involved and her selfishness is teaching your children that this is acceptable behavior. It's not. Trust me when I say that because I am a wife of a military member myself. I would like to think that my husband and I have always been very honest with each other. Our marriage has not been perfect, but then again is there even such a thing as a perfect marriage? I think not. Regardless there have been times when I have been absolutely fed up with his neglect. He has always been a difficult person to deal with, but I also know that I have not always made things easy on him. It's easy to see the faults of those around you when you are angry and makes it much more difficult to see your own faults as a result. If there is any chance to resolve the issues within your marriage it will take two level heads who are willing to make amends and work harder towards a common goal of finding each other again. Unfortunately I do not feel that after reading all of this that your wife has already checked out of your relationship. Being a singular caregiver to your children will be difficult but if she is neglecting them to the point where you don't feel that you can trust her to be left alone with them I would advise documenting her neglect for the courts and filing for full custody. You say that being there for your kids will be difficult for you, but it will also end up being very rewarding. Your wife has proven to you before she turned her back on your family that she was capable of taking care of your kids single-handedly so you should know that it is possible for you to do also. Over time your kids will get use to your parenting style. This too will take time and patience and just a little bit of caring, but it is doable. As a 1SG you have certain leadership skills in handling military "children". I can guarantee you that it is possible to use these same skills when caring for your children. You are stronger than you think and a part of a community that will support you in this new challenge. Do not forget that.

Response by 1SG Ramon Rodriguez Torres made Dec 27 at 2014 9:01 AM

1SG Ramon Rodriguez Torres — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 09:01:18 -0500

Top, I am very aware of your current situation. As I read your message, it took me back to my own painful “homecoming” war. Most of my friends advised me to leave home. However my heart was not ready for that. I have my children and her to work for. After 16 years of marriage, I have to do everything within my power to save it. So I worked on a mission to save my marriage. I knew that it was going to be long and painful road. However I have to do my best mission planning. And if I failed I did everything to save our marriage. My plan was setup on defense. My plan was:
1. Give her space at your home! Don't let her leave the home or your marriage will be OVER!
2. Build your space. Try to keep yourself busy.
3. Talk to your chaplain. You are going to need support.
4. Make new memories. Take a few vacations
5. Take a desk job. 1SG work is very demanding.
6. Make a financial plan. Bring her to the discussion. Be advise, she is going to refuse at first! But this is going to be a big eye opener for her.
7. Take your time; it is a long road ahead!
8. Don't push too hard!!
9. And last, be strong!!!

Finally, I was in your shoes. I was a 1SG in the brink of losing his family. I did some drastic changes for the best of my family and my marriage. And it works! Good luck Top and God be with you and your love ones!

Rod

Response by SPC(P) Jay Heenan made Dec 27 at 2014 8:52 PM

SPC(P) Jay Heenan — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 20:52:19 -0500

As everyone else here has stated, I will pray for strength, understanding and patience for the both of you. It is a definitely a challenging and stressful time for all of you and having gone through a messing (and very expensive) divorce, I am praying you both find a way through the darkness and remember why you fell in love in the first place. God Bless you and know that all of us here are certainly pulling for you!

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Dec 27 at 2014 11:36 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 23:36:03 -0500

Nightly prayer from AZ, Top.

Response by SGT Justin Singleton made Dec 28 at 2014 8:54 AM

SGT Justin Singleton — Sun, 28 Dec 2014 08:54:47 -0500

Thank you, 1SG Private RallyPoint Member, for putting yourself out there for us...a great example for the lower ranks who might be dealing with similar situations. As many others have noted, it sounds like deep-rooted depression (doesn't always have to be an affair). I have nothing truly to add that others haven't already said, but I wanted to encourage you to stay strong and continue being an example.

Response by COL Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 28 at 2014 10:48 AM

COL Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 28 Dec 2014 10:48:11 -0500

Top - I am not that close to your location, but needless to say 2014 was a tough year for me personally as well as my marriage of 13 years ended. I didn't post a single thing about it on fb or anywhere else. This is actually the first mention of it I've made. Those who were close to me knew what was going on. Others did not. My only advice is that your kids will always come first but in time, you will go through a process to rediscover you. After a long marriage with children, we often get lost in living for them. It gets harder before it gets better, much like any military school lol. All I can say is to lean on those you are closest to you, as you will discover who you real friends are. Take each day one day a time, and NEVER, EVER lose hope. After having one of my own Soldiers take their life last month, I plead with you to remember those children and keep going. I am not saying that you've expressed those thoughts, but relationship stuff like this and employment are the two biggest causes of folks taking their own life. It doesn't discriminate based on rank or seniority. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help. The debt and all that other stuff is temporary. If I can ever be of assistance, feel free to message me as well and I'd be happy to give you my number. Regards...Eric

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 28 at 2014 12:58 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 28 Dec 2014 12:58:27 -0500

Top, it is possible to save your marriage. However, it's going to take both of you to work this out. You can't have half that want to save the marriage and the other half on the fence. Just like marriage is a joint effort, saving one is a joint effort as well. I experienced this about 5 years ago. It ended in divorce, however it was the better choice! I fought hard to save the marriage, but when I saw that I was the only one fighting I had to stop and ask the hard questions. I had to see where her mind and heart was, and of course I had to pray about it. I was married for 9 years and while I was fighting it hurt like hell to let go, but once I let go a weight was lifted and life turned out better for me and my kids. Sometimes you have to let go and let God work on you. You may not like what you're seeing at first, but you'll understand when your blessings begin to bear fruit and become plentiful.

Response by LCpl Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 28 at 2014 6:58 PM

LCpl Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 28 Dec 2014 18:58:07 -0500

I really have nothing to add 1SG, I went through a pretty painful short marriage and long divorce... it's a hard spot you're in. Good luck.

Response by SSG Tim Everett made Dec 29 at 2014 4:57 AM

SSG Tim Everett — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 04:57:40 -0500

1SG Private RallyPoint Member I'm never one to issue love advice, even when asked, on account of the fact that I don't think people who have had trouble in love need to be handing out advice.

What I will do, however, is offer advice from the perspective of someone who went through divorce with a devious woman. Not that your wife is, mind you. To me it sounds like her mind is made up -- I hope that isn't the case and I hope that you cut through the emotional responses and that your actions convince her to work it out. It sounds like she's brought up her issues and concerns, and perhaps that's a first step for her.

I want to say, up front, that I hope things work out for you. I see a lot of people here on RP supporting you and rooting for your family and your marriage. I'm right there with them, because reasons. I don't want anyone, least of all you, to get the idea that I'm not firmly in your corner with the make-it-work team. Just want that to be abundantly clear up front.

Now for the flip side -- the "what if things go south" aspect. Unfortunately, it seems like her mind is more or less made up. So prepare yourself for the eventuality that it may not work out. So faced with that possibility... consider the fact that she's already shattered your trust over this financial dishonesty. Do you really think it's a good idea to play the good guy during a divorce? Who knows what sort of trick she'll play when it comes down to fighting for her survival? I went through a divorce in 2006, and as of November 2014 I fought yet another court battle for visitation rights to my oldest son despite the fact that I live 45min from him. This was despite "gentleman's agreeement" by my ex-wife and I to play fair and do right by our son for both parents. That never happened. Playing the good guy will get you nothing but trouble.

I'm going to voice the possibly unpopular and possibly downvote-worthy response of saying *IF* it looks like a divorce is imminent, you need to immediately go to war, and you need to fight as if your life depends on it. As a soldier and as a man, you're automatically lined up to get screwed if the Minnesota courts are anything like Georgia -- I'm not saying this to be sexist, I'm saying it as anecdotal "fact" from my lawyer: courts tend to side with women when kids are involved, and during alimony/child support decisions, soldiers are seen as a meal ticket because it's a guaranteed income where they can easily take your money. If it were me, and it was at one point, I'd suggest canceling anything money-related that has her name attached to yours -- joint accounts, joint cards, etc. Anything in your name, keep it that way. Anything in hers, if it's a credit card, try and get it shut off. Bills, bank accounts, credit cards and charge cards, everything. Anything of hers that YOU are paying for, shut it off. Get new debit cards issued, and keep the numbers private. Hell, hide your wallet.

Get a reputable divorce attorney and don't let on that you're doing it. Have them give you a list of tasks you need to accomplish, and you need to beat her to the finish line on those tasks. In fact, preferably get it before she even gets a lawyer.

If she's tanked your finances, the only thing you have left is your military paycheck. If she's not working, she'll be using your paycheck to fund her divorce and her divorce attorney. I don't think I need to point out how ridiculous that idea is, so that's enough of that. If you make your money YOUR money and not joint money, she has to figure out how to pay for an attorney. If she can't afford one and you can, if you guys go to court, she has to represent herself. And that's almost a guaranteed win for you, if you steel yourself and don't give in.

Again, to reiterate, I really REALLY hope you're able to save your marriage. And I hope the advice and opinions I posted are therefore completely unnecessary. I'm pulling for you, Top.

Response by SSG Jason Cherry made Dec 29 at 2014 6:52 AM

SSG Jason Cherry — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 06:52:45 -0500

Sadly, I wish I had something to offer, but in regards to this situation.... mine did not work out.

I applaud you stepping forward and risking your total exposure for a solution. The epitome of courage, to me anyway.

Best wishes to you 1SG Private RallyPoint Member

Response by SPC(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 29 at 2014 2:52 PM

SPC(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 14:52:43 -0500

1SG I don't want to be out of place commenting on this, but I want to say that I went through a similar situation (though only after being married for 3 years at the time). I just want to tell you as bad as things are, they can get better. There is always hope.

In my situation my wife got unexpectedly pregnant and only a couple of months later was informed that her mother was dying of pancreatic cancer. With one brother in law being schizophrenic, one in prison and the sister in law having no association to the family all of the burden of caring for my mother in law landed on my wife. At the same time she had major problems throughout the pregnancy and was nearly hospitalized herself. Long story short her mother died 2 months after my daughter was born and she spiraled deep into depression and having quit work to care for her mom she had no socialization outside the home and that just made things worse.

She came to me one day and pretty much told me the same thing, that she had made up her mind that she was leaving and that we needed to figure out what to do with our daughter. There was the beginnings of an online affair. Bottom line it was hopeless, but with persistence, I convinced her that for the sake of our daughter we should try counseling. It was the best decision we ever made... not because the counseling was effective actually the opposite. The counseling we got was completely corny and useless, but that fact was the first thing we were able to agree on in years and repairing our relationship definitely began there. I was later able to convince her to seek counseling for her depression, and eventually with time our marriage was stronger than it had ever been. I feel the biggest successes I had with repairing the damaged relationship with my wife was to admit my failings and try to pick up where I had been slacking. Also, from the counseling we got a book called The Five Love Languages ( http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ ). That was extremely helpful to us.

I pray for the best for you and your family.

Home | The 5 Love Languages | Improving Millions of Relationships… One Language at a Time.

The 5 Love Languages

Response by Sgt Paul Cavnar made Dec 29 at 2014 11:15 PM

Sgt Paul Cavnar — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 23:15:23 -0500

Top Healy - there's lots of good help on here and I don't have anything more to add than I hope you don't put the blame on yourself because she has to take responsibility for her own decisions. I will keep you in our prayers and want you to understand there are many more than I who pray you'll keep the faith and persevere. Bless you for reaching out to this great extended family on RP!

Response by SPC Christopher Busby made Dec 30 at 2014 4:44 AM

SPC Christopher Busby — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 04:44:47 -0500

stay strong top, and know that there is always other options. remember your battles, we will alway be here for you.

Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Dec 30 at 2014 10:07 AM

LTC Jason Strickland — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 10:07:05 -0500

Just wanted to provide another update for those following this posting. 1SG Private RallyPoint Member and I spoke on the phone yesterday and today we're continuing to work out specific ways our team at Project Sanctuary can help him and his family.
Donations are still needed in order for the RallyPoint team to get his family to a retreat. Since we began on Dec. 24, we've raised over $750 to help 1SG Jerry Healy and his family.

As a reminder, if you are donating for 1SG Healy and his family, then be sure to write his name or RallyPoint in the memo section. Donation link is in the upper right hand corner of our website.

I continue to appreciate the efforts and donations already made and continue to request that you tag other RallyPoint members and let them know how we're helping one of our brothers in arms who is immediate need of assistance! A gift of as little as $10 from any of the 500,000 members in this forum will go a long way to provide the Healy family a six-day retreat and two years of follow up.

As always, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

http://projectsanctuary.us

Home - Project Sanctuary

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Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Mar 10 at 2015 2:55 PM

LTC Jason Strickland — Tue, 10 Mar 2015 14:55:54 -0400

I want to provide an update to all who have donated on behalf of 1SG Private RallyPoint Member and his family.

Jerry and I have spoken on numerous occasions over the past couple of months. Based on his current family situation, Project Sanctuary is going to temporarily set aside the $750 raised by RallyPoint members until Jerry and his family can find an appropriate time to attend one of our therapeutic retreats.

I am very appreciative of the donations raised by the RallyPoint members on behalf of this family. Project Sanctuary is committed to our donors to appropriately use the financial resources entrusted to us and I echo that commitment to those of you who have donated to help 1SG Healy.

We will continue to take donations to serve our military and veteran families and appreciate the support offered by the outstanding community here on RallyPoint. If you want to contribute, visit http://projectsanctuary.us visit the top right corner and the "DONATE TODAY" box and mention "RallyPoint" or "Jerry Healy" in the comments.

As always, please contact me if you have any questions. I've tagged both RallyPoint members that have donated or have an interest in this discussion topic.

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Response by MSgt Jamie Lyons made Mar 10 at 2015 3:39 PM

MSgt Jamie Lyons — Tue, 10 Mar 2015 15:39:52 -0400

1Sg Healy....here is my cell phone number: [login to see] . Call me whenever you need someone to talk to. I went through something very similar about 7 years ago. THINGS WILL GET BETTER I PROMISE. At that time I didnt believe it....my world was pulled right out from under me. BUT I PROMISE THERE IS A SOLUTION!!! You cant see it right now, neither could I. But believe me when I tell you...you will get through this. You ARE NOT ALONE and as much as I am breathing you will never be. Like I said, call anytime.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 10 at 2015 4:22 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 10 Mar 2015 16:22:50 -0400

1SG, I sent you a connection request. Please accept. I have a message to give you.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 14 at 2015 8:18 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 20:18:58 -0400

1SG Private RallyPoint Member, this update was from 4 days ago?

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 11 at 2017 11:39 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 23:39:05 -0400

1SG Private RallyPoint Member : It has been a while since you posted this, but I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering you've been through. I don't know where you are in your trials, but I pray that you are doing better - both personally, and with your family. One thing I can say - and this is for those who may be going through something similar: There comes a time, when no matter what you want and no matter how hard you try, you have to admit that things are not working out, and basically, as we said when I was in Aviation: "cut sling load." I can't tell you if that is the right thing to do because each person is different. I also can't tell you (if it is the right thing to do) when you should do it, or when enough is enough.

Though I also don't know the laws for your state (unless you're in NC), I can say that a separation might be the answer. Think of a separation as a way to put some distance between your spouse and you and the situation, without actually fully severing all ties. Most states view separation as temporary (meaning, it gives you time and space to work out your issues with your partner), and often as a prelude (some, like NC, even require it) to divorce. Separation does not mean either partner has a right to start dating or seeing others - because, even though separated, you are "still married" - which means that you must (in most states) still abide by the tenants of your marriage vows. Failure to do so, only gives the other partner more leverage in any divorce proceedings. Some states do allow separated partners to "date" - but that doesn't mean "sleep with" someone. Additionally, separation means that the two partners are still responsible for providing for each other: So if one spouse works, and the other is the primary bread-winner, then the primary bread-winner is still responsible for ensuring the other spouse has the ability to make ends meet.

Family situations are the worst, and often the most difficult, combat experience you will ever encounter. Not because of the danger (there is none), but because they are extremely personal. Taking out a bad guy at 300 meters is comparatively easy - you don't know the guy, he's evil, and he's intent on killing you or your others. With a divorce, you were very personally a part of this person's life, you probably still love them, probably had kids with them, you've shared experiences - both good and bad, and you've spent most of the marriage sharing everything else you ever had or did with them. Whether you think of them as good or evil often depends on how deteriorated the situation is.

With regards to that: My advice is to try to be as friendly as possible, try to stay at least friends, and, where possible, give them what they ask for, but don't be a pushover either - for every demand you give into that you don't really want to give into, ask for something in return. If they are unreasonable, hopefully, you have a good lawyer, and a fair judge who can see who's being unreasonable.

Again, I hope you're doing well, and I pray for you.

Response by SSG Antoinette Azevedo Toscano made Feb 27 at 2018 10:31 AM

SSG Antoinette Azevedo Toscano — Tue, 27 Feb 2018 10:31:09 -0500

Jerry,

My heart goes out to you and your family. I am praying for the best possible outcome for all of you.

I want to congratulate you and to tell you how proud I am of your personal growth that is evident in your posts.

You are very strong to step up and to be the father your children need even though you are scared. This, my friend, is what it means to be brave.

My advice is to continue to focus on being the man that you know you are. Continue to grow. And just as it seems you have been doing, do some self-analysis to learn from this circumstance.

You can do this and your RP community is here for you.

Response by Alanna Alison made Mar 31 at 2018 4:05 PM

Alanna Alison — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 16:05:01 -0400

I am Alenna Alison This is my testimony on how my ex lover come back home..i want to say a very big thanks and appreciation to chief priest ODUMODU for bringing back my lover who left me for almost 2 year,i feel like my life is completely over, so one day as i was browsing searching on the internet for recommend spell caster who will help me to bring my lover back, Finally i met a writing how so many testimony talking about how ODUMODU help to restore relationship back,so i decided to give it a try so i contacted the spell caster called ODUMODU and explain my problems to him,and he cast spell love spell luckily within the 48 hours my lover really called me and started apologizing for all he had caused me.and be begging me to accept him back and will are live happily marriage, I am the happiest woman on earth today because ODUMODU has done a wonderful deeds in my life and i will continue to share this testimony, i pray God almighty give you the strength and wisdom to help more people having similar problem like mine, contact him. [login to see]

Response by SFC Christopher Taggart made Mar 31 at 2018 4:21 PM

SFC Christopher Taggart — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 16:21:18 -0400

Re: "Is it possible to save my marriage?" I would have to say no...your wife has already answered your question. Sorry to hear 1SG.

Response by Alanna Alison made Mar 31 at 2018 9:40 PM

Alanna Alison — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 21:40:42 -0400

Response by Selma Espinosa made Feb 6 at 2021 4:38 AM

Selma Espinosa — Sat, 06 Feb 2021 04:38:49 -0500

When I thought I had lose my husband to another lady, I thought he was gone forever. Priest Obongibok helped me cast a spell,that brought back my darling husband love and attention to me and my kids. I know a lot of people need this happiness in their homes. You can write him; Obongibok@ priest. com or WhatsApp + [login to see]

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 6 at 2021 10:53 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 06 Feb 2021 10:53:48 -0500

Best of luck. I was in a similar situation when I resigned from the Army at 17 years active to not PCS away from my kids in the divorce. Best decision I could have made.